A Wee-Wentz

We all know what Ashlee and Pete did after 80's prom night....

I have to be honest, the thought of a Wee-Wentz makes me shudder. These are two people who get on every nerve I have, and a little person who will be the combination of these two...I can't think of anything worse.

WHAH?!

I must be seeing things because 1) his hair color is atrocious (it's Ryan Adams if you couldn't tell) and 2) Mandy?? This doesn't make sense to me. She's a goody-goody. They don't go together. I find this very upsetting.

I know they're married now, but...

Matching bangs? It's a bit much...

Here comes...Sue E?

This past weekend Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz made it official at her parents' home in California. The reception was an "Alice in Wonderland" themed event complete with Mad Hatter Hat on the cake. I'm sure it was a lovely event, not really my taste, but lovely nonetheless.



The Simpson/Wentz nuptials got me to thinking about weddings. And since themed weddings seem to be all of the rage these days, I'm sure a wedding like the one I am about to describe would not disappoint.



If I were planning a wedding, I'd be sure to plan it as follows. And you all owe me one loud Sooooie!



Venue - Ah, the venue. Perhaps the most important decision the bride will make. The venue determines the feel of the wedding. Formal, casual, semi-formal? The venue tells all. That's why I would make sure my wedding took place at Donald W. Reynold's Razorback Stadium on the 50 yard line of Frank Broyles field.



Apparel - Another very important decision and one that can get very costly...but have no fear, when you are a b-dazzling queen, no event is too large for you. Bridesmaids should wear cutoff jean skirts, with a t-shirt, b-dazzled specially for them. "I'm with groomsman #"(corresponding football number) will be on the back of each shirt.

And the groomsmen shouldn't have to worry with a pesky tux. Just launder up your football jersey and wear it with some khakis and we're in business folks.



Flowers - Homecoming Mum Corsages anyone?



As for the music, why hire a professional band when you have "The Best in Sight in Sound," right in your backyard? The groom and all of his men will walk out to the fight song, they'll hit that line, hit that line and (if he's smart) keep on going...while the bridal party will walk out accompanied by "Hey Baby." Classic tunes if you ask me.



After the I do's this party moves into the locker room! The groom's cake (a razorback, of course) would sit on the training table and guests will be served "Rebel Devil Eggs" and "Tangy Tiger Treats" for refreshments. The bride and groom should enjoy their first dance as husband and wife to the triumphant, "O Lord, it's hard to be humble, when your an Arkansas Razorback fan" changing the words to "O, Lord it's hard to be humble, when you marry a Razorback man..."



After a few rousing rounds of calling the hogs, the couple should be off for their honeymoon, riding away with a "Just Married" sign attached to their red VW bug.

Now what?

How am I supposed to fill the Hills-shaped void on Mondays? It's just not the same. Oh well, I guess I'll just have to watch the Sex and the City movie and subsequently all the SATC DVDs all over again.

Also heading our way in August, comes a spin on "My Super Sweet 16," the show in which bratty kids from all over the country are thrown ridiculously extravagant sweet 16 birthday parties by their incredibly wealthy parents. This new show gets interesting when the brats that we've seen in past seasons are revisited, only this time, they're getting served!

"My Super Sweet 16: Exiled" will follow several of the show's former stars and give them a reality check by sending them to remote areas of the world like Africa and the frozen tundra of the Arctic Circle. Oh yeah, b*tches! Those catty divas are getting what they deserve! They will have to spend their time abroad with girls their own age to see how they live. Trust me, it ain't gonna be pretty. And I can hardly wait to watch!

That's a wrap.

Here we go, it's the end of another year of bad decisions, blank stares and relationship vacations. The Hills season finale is finally here! Just about everyone got some screen time (the back of the head is Whitney) and it really felt great to see everyone one last time before the break. Be. Strong. Here we go!

Audrina is taking Justin Bobby's advice and looking into getting her own apartment. Her first stop is an open loft with an awesome wall of windows. Sober J.Bob is totally zen with life. He is actually making reasonable arguments about why Audrina should consider moving out. It's odd. Audrina has yet to talk to Lauren about possibly moving out. I see a heart-to-heart in her future. Could Lauren be saying goodbye to another roommate at the end of a season?

Spencer has taken up residence in casa Heidi and since she's still in Vegas, she probably doesn't mind too much. ShePratt offers to tell him where Heidi is and he "promises not to do anything crazy." Question: does anything Spencer ever promises to do end up coming to fruition? The answer, simply, is no. He's gonna screw things up royally for her. And he's taking ShePratt with him!

Heidi and Brent are taking a tour of the casino/hotel with Sam in an effort to reinvent the place. Heidi is the driving force behind this retooling and that's scary, but she does seem to be taking it seriously. I'm sure it's a lot easier to get work done when your psychotic boyfriend/fiance isn't constantly interrupting everything you're doing.

Lauren and Whitney talk about the sitch with Audrina and Whit suggests a "roommate dinner" to talk about any issues that are brewing among the girls. Kinda cheesy, but it's a good idea to at least talk to Audrina since Lauren never sees her. Apparently the guest house is like a whole other world.

The Pratts are hitting up Vegas. ShePratt totally screws Heidi and finds out where she is (via random phone call) and Spencer then drives right to the hotel, parks the car in the loading area (leaving ShePratt there by herself) and runs inside. He continues his jackassery by interrupting Heidi, Sam, Brent and some other dude and asks for "a word with" Heidi outside. I am embarrassed for Heidi right now. Speidi fight and Spencer admits that he wants them to get back together and Heidi yells at him for not loving her enough to understand that she's in an important meeting for her career. He then begs her to come back to LA with him. Cut to Heidi walking back to Brent and the boys just as they are leaving for the night. After Brent tells Heidi to get her sh*t together ("You only get one chance with Sam"), he leaves and now Heidi's alone with her head in her hands.

The "roommate dinner" idea fails because either Lauren didn't make the invite expressly clear to Audrina, or Audrina had other plans that she didn't mention to Lauren. As Lauren and Lo are making the meal, Audrina heads out on her own, leaving the girls bewildered. Lauren decides that they need to have a heart-to-heart. Duh, I called it.

Back in Vegas, Brent is waiting for Heidi to show up, but Sam pulls up and tells him they need to go. Brent tries calling one more time, to no avail, so they leave. What happens next will shock you: Heidi, Spencer and ShePratt riding down the escalator at the airport, getting ready to head back to LA. I have too many problems with this scenario to even begin to list, but most important is why didn't she call Brent and explain or apologize for BEING AN IDIOT?!! Seriously? This girl better be getting fired.

Here comes the heart-to-heart. It starts out casually enough, but Audrina has been harboring some resentment towards Lauren and Lo and when that surfaces it comes as a real surprise to Lauren, who didn't realize that she had done anything wrong. Audrina says that she feels that Lo is pushing them apart, and Lauren starts to cry, since she and Lo are BFF. Obviously, Audrina isn't going to win in a battle over who gets to hang out with Lauren all the time, and it seems as if Audrina can't handle being second fiddle. Sadly, Lauren seems to know what has to happen next and walks out, back into her apartment with Lo.

At the same time, Speidi pull up to the old apartment. They BOTH go inside. It looks like the dramatic (read: ridiculous) gesture worked for Heidi. Maybe she just needed to know just how crazy Spencer was before she got back together with him. They're both insane.

And that's it. Another season over. I'll also be watching the Hills live after show because apparently they are going to play a sneak peak "shocking" trailer for season four.

UPDATE: Shocking? Definitely not. Same ol' sh*t, different day? Sounds about right. Lauren enters the dating scene again; Audrina and Lo have a confrontation about the whole Lauren thing; Scary lady talks to Whitney about moving to NYC; Spencer vows never to speak with ShePratt again after he throws her a bday party (she invited Lauren); and blank stares aplenty! Oh, and it starts in AUGUST! What?! That's insane - we hardly have to wait at all!

JJ Mayiston

I'm gone for just 10 days and this happens....

It's a weird pairing to me. What do you think?

Now, just pretend you don't hate each other...

First, a quick note about the Rolling Stone cover featuring the ladies of The Hills. Have you all seen this yet? I read it one day while perusing some merchandise at a local bookstore (I didn't buy it, so sue me). The article was fine, whatever, no new revelations or anything. But what is interesting is that all the girls were present at the same time for the shoot. Lauren and Heidi were apparently on "best behavior" during. The cover pic they choose is weird. Lauren isn't even looking at the camera and Whitney is practically falling down. Plus, there's Heidi. Ugh. What is this, Maxim? Give me a break with the sex kitten stuff, Heidi. We don't want to see your duck lips pouting anymore. Enough is enough! And on to the recap...

Another day at work for Bolthouse Industries. Heidi approaches Brent about relocating to another Bolthouse office. Brent dishes her some serious BS about being actively involved in a hotel/casino in Vegas. Code for: move to Vegas and pretend to work for us to get us more publicity! Nice work, Montag.

Those b*tches have their own pool! Lo and Lauren are sunning themselves and Audrina comes out to tell them how she's hanging out with Alkaline Trio. She politely invites them to come and see her for a bit in the afternoon and Lo clearly hates this idea because her face looks like she just ate a lemon. Hates it. PS. Alkaline Trio? Gimme a break, Audrina.

Sweet, Alkaline Trio are recording their album and Audrina and her work friend are pretending to be into it. Lauren and Lo stay for about 5 seconds. I don't really blame them. The music sucks and they are just standing there awkwardly. So Lo pouts until she gets to leave and go get some food. While they are eating sushi they talk about how it's hard to talk to Audrina. It's clear that Lo is the new Audrina. I'll go ahead and say it: good riddance!

ShePratt heads over to Heidi's place and gets the word on Heidi's new job. ShePratt feels sorry for her bro because "they are perfect for each other," which may be true since I don't know two other terrible people that I'd like to fix either of them up with. But mostly it's because if Heidi leaves then ShePratt will be stuck with him! That would suck for her. Heidi makes ShePratt promise not to tell Spencer. That's not happening. Duh. She practically texts him while they're still talking.

OMG! A puppy! She's adorable, as all puppies are. The shocker comes when Lo says that "in puppy school, she's gonna be like, 'I have TWO mommies'" and Audrina looks as if she will burst into tears.

I can't recap this next scene because I hate Spencer so much, but basically ShePratt tells Spencer to "stop being such a jerk and eating all our steak" (OK, that's from Napoleon Dynamite) and move out. He continues to call HER pathetic (wow) and tell her that he can't wait to move out. Well, you've waited quite a bit already, now haven't you? He's the worst.

J.Bob's in the house! He's talking coherently and it's throwing me off. It looks like Audrina is feeling awkward living there and J.Bob convinces her to look into other places.

Oh Lord. Brent and that other Bolthouse dude pull up to the PLANE (as in on the runway) and take off to Vegas. Meanwhile, Spencer pulls up to the old apartment with a duffle bag only to find that Heidi's not there. Oh snap. This is awesome. He's sad. He calls ShePratt to see what the dealio is and I will admit that I'm surprised (and delighted) that ShePratt didn't tell him that Heidi was leaving. And you know that he's heading to Vegas...

Next week: Season finale!! Guess who's going to Vegas to ruin Heidi's life AND her job?! He's an awesome guy, huh? Audrina talks to Lauren about Lo breaking up their friendship. Lauren cries. I will be tuning in.