Stop Yelling At Me

New friends

2010-09-13T09:10:00.000-07:00

McKenzie and Emmett have met before, but Emmett was a little too young to interact very much with her. This past week, they did a little bonding!

We got at least one good group photo.

McKenzie pointing out her new friend...Emmett kind of enjoys it!

Emmett's thinking, "You can stand all on your OWN?!"
And McKenzie's like, "Does this kid even appreciate these toys? I should probably take them for myself."

McKenzie gave Emmett a hug and it was so adorable! It was her first "hug" and Brittnee will probably appreciate the fact that she didn't even use her arms!

The boy's got rhythm

2010-08-16T08:40:00.000-07:00

Emmett is only one of the many satisfied customers of Andrew Davie's Dance School. Thanks for the sweet moves!

Bacon

2010-08-14T14:00:00.001-07:00

I'm still regretting passing up that buy two get three free bacon deal at Harris Teeter last week. Just thought you ladies should know...

Needs a Little Tweaking

2010-08-13T12:17:00.000-07:00

So iPhoto has a cool feature that recognizes faces and can organize your pictures by who is actually in the picture. It's helpful when you're searching for a picture of someone specific. However, it takes a little time to set up and it's not always quite right. Tonight I was confirming some pictures of Brittnee and iPhoto suggested this one. I mean, I see the resemblance in McKenzie's fashion forward skirt, but that's about it. Keep working on it, iPhoto.PS: If one of you ladies doesn't step up and make a post, I will put another picture of my child on here.

The Weather

2010-08-12T18:01:00.001-07:00

It's so hot that McKenzie rarely wears pants. And apparently, orders large drinks from Chick-Fil-A.

We're Back Bitches

2010-07-29T20:27:00.000-07:00

Two babies and one totaled car later, we're back. Get ready. Bitches!

It's really real this time!

2009-05-31T20:30:00.000-07:00

Well, this is it. The last episode featuring Lauren Conrad. Personally, I'm bummed about the switch to Kristen Cavalarri, because it sounds like it's going to be SO fake that even I won't be able to enjoy the guilty pleasure of it anymore. I'm debating whether or not I'll be back to blog the next season. But, I'm getting ahead of myself. First we have to say goodbye to Lauren and watch the Speidi wedding train wreck.

We begin with Lauren and Lo dishing about their final house party. They're moving out, but neither will say what's next. Lauren doesn't seem to know what she'll be doing, but she's moving out and that's that! They decide that everyone needs to come over one last time to say goodbye to the house.

Heidi is busying planning her princess wedding and she drops the bomb on She-Pratt that she's going to ask Holly to be her Maid of Honor. She-Pratt is pissed! On the other side of town, Spencer and Heidi's mom, Darlene, are out on a nice lunch date. It's a tad awkward to say the least, but Spencer starts in with apologizing pretty quick. Darlene is skeptical, with good reason, but Spencer tells her he's been going to therapy and that he's really changed. She caves and gives him her blessing. You can almost see the evil creeping through his eyes when he hears her say it. I think it's all an act!

Time for Heidi to get wild and crazy at her bachelorette party! Or...not. It's super tame and just a bunch of girls getting together to take quizzes and watch the bride open presents. Holly arrives 30 minutes late and then doesn't even write down the gifts that people got Heidi. Gasp! She-Pratt is livid that she isn't living up to her MOH duties.

Hey! It's Broday! Pulling double-duty...first, he has dinner with Lauren to try and convince her to go to the wedding. Then, he meets up with Spencer to hear how much Spencer has changed. I will admit, I am starting to believe Spencer has changed. He seems so different now, so aware of how much of a d-bag he used to be. Broday doesn't buy it for 2 seconds. He knew Spencer really well back in the day and I have to say that he might be right about this. Spencer is an evil little weasel, and this whole apology act might be his greatest fake-out ever.

Time for Lauren to end her stint at People's Revolution. Kelly Cutrone may be one of my favorite people to appear on The Hills. She is ballsy and blunt and doesn't take any sh**, but at the same time, when Lauren asked her for advice, she was well-spoken and knowledgeable and genuinely nice. I think Kelly got a bad rap, but I also doubt that she's gives a crap what other people think about her. SO, onward and upward, Lauren. With Kelly's blessing, you are free to conquer the fashion world!

Time to get this marriage started! It's rehearsal dinner time! They dine at Cut, the restaurant owned by Wolfgang Puck, that feature huge photos of Speidi (lame). Everything seems to be going fine, until Holly gives her toast. It's terrible. She makes up some crap about Heidi praying for a perfect "love match" out in the woods with sticks and berries. I wish I were making this up. I think Holly is either drunk or stupid or both. Strangely, I never thought Holly was that bad before all this wedding stuff, but she's acting like a jerk. She throws food at her brother and gets something on Heidi's new purse. Still, everything's relaxed and Heidi's not upset. But after Holly leaves the table to talk with her mom about how she wants to leave the dinner, Heidi gets nervous and asks Spencer to check on them. A little bit of the old Spencer comes out when he calls Holly out for being immature and throwing food at 25 years old. And Holly comes back by saying that it wasn't rude and Darlene agrees (!) and Spencer (understandably) doesn't get what planet these two are living on and decides he should leave before he gets really mad. Another sign of the new Spencer coming through? Holly tries to leave, but Darlene won't let her and when Spencer comes back to the table without them, Heidi is even more confused.

The next day Holly sees the error of her ways (she must have been drunk) and apologizes to Heidi while they get manicures. She even offers to relinquish her MOH title to She-Pratt but Heidi won't let her. They're sisters, after all! All is well.

More goodbyes at Lauren and Lo's party. It's a small group of the usual suspects, but I think I saw Doug there, which is surprising, because I haven't seen him without Paris Hilton in months. Lauren gives a pretty lame toast and then everyone goes on being lame. She-Pratt makes one final attempt at getting Lauren to come to the wedding, but she still won't budge.

Even if Lauren won't be there, the show must go on! Let me give you a few guest highlights: Brent Bolthouse and Heidi's Work Friend, Broday and his trashy gf Jayde, Audrina, Lo, STACIE THE BARTENDER (OMG, she's with Spencers friend!), Justin Bobby (yes!), and duh-da--da-daaahh LAUREN! Of course, she's a sneaky one and just heads right back to the bride's room and says hello to her there. It's a very special moment as everyone in the room is shocked to see her and Heidi especially is moved almost to tears.

All the while guests continue to come in including Kristen Cavalarri! Oooh, such drama. Maybe no one knew that she was going to be the "new Lauren" at the time of the wedding, because everyone's totally surprised to see her there.

And after Lauren and Heidi share a tender moment, Lauren heads into the church to take her seat. Lo immediately tells her that Kristen Cavalarri is there. Am I missing something? Are they still fighting? I thought all that crap about Stephen was long since over. Oh man, I miss those early Laguna Beach days. But anyway, Lauren is surprised and they seem to be totally avoiding eye contact with each other. I don't get it, but OK.

The vows go without a hitch and no one even objects! And this is where it starts to feel incredibly staged. People leave the church and Kristen goes over to talk to Lo and Audrina and asks them to set her up with a new guy (nice setup for next season!). And as Speidi are exiting the church, Lauren slyly exits through the back entrance and gets into a limo. And Heidi decides to throw the bouquet then and there (lame) and guess who catches it! Kristen! How incredible! It's like passing the torch. The totally lame, definitely staged torch. She must be on cloud nine to be so lucky. If this is a hint of things to come, then count me out. I felt like I was watching a sitcom. And not in a good way.

So, that's it. Lauren has moved on. And based on the previews (which I had to watch without sound because MTV was screwed up), things look to be staying full of drama. The tag line of "The bitch is back" is intriguing, but I don't know if I'll get into it. There did look like a potential hook up between Kristen and Justin Bobby, though! We'll see what happens. As for now, it's time to enjoy the summer and reflect on all the lessons The Hills has taught us. And...done! I'm hitting the pool!

An added bonus: Brittnee informed me that Speidi have tried to quit the TV show I'm a Celebrity...Get Me Out of Here! because it's too hard. Aww, boo-hoo. No, I mean literally, Heidi cries. Yama-hama! Heidi without makeup is SCARY! Have a great summer everyone!

This wasn't in the script!

2009-05-26T17:24:00.000-07:00

I've got to save up my energy for the season finale next week, so this recap will be short and sweet.

Leading up to the finale, all the pieces are falling in line to have a Lauren-less Speidi wedding. Will She-Pratt or Heidi or SPENCER be able to convince Lauren to attend?! Everyone and the dog is invited, so Lauren might go so that she won't be home alone.

In other news, She-Pratt goes to a party thrown by Kelly Cutrone (without knowing she threw it) and runs into her! It's mega awkward, especially when She-Pratt blames her poor performance on the fact that Kelly wasn't around very much. Ack! And Broday brings Jayde to the party and they sit literally 3 feet from Audrina and bad mouth her. Seriously? Are they still talking about this? Hasn't it been like 3 weeks since that drama? Get over it. If you're still mad, don't sit right next to her and cause so much drama. Lame.

After She-Pratt's attempts to get Lauren to go to the wedding failed, Heidi asks Spencer to call her and apologize. He flat out refuses. Surprise! Heidi tells him that he "will do this" for her, but it's not looking good.

Heidi must realize this because she decides that she will deliver the wedding invitation herself. It doesn't go that well. Lauren basically just tells Heidi that she thinks she's making a mistake by marrying Spencer and that she sees how Heidi is losing connections to her friends and family because of him. One last attempt to convince Heidi that she's making a mistake that will probably do as much good as Heidi's personal wedding invitation.

But! Just when everyone had thought it was over, Lauren gets a call from Spencer himself! He sounds genuinely sorry, and whether he truly is or not remains to be seen, but it feels sincere. He apologizes for spreading the sex tape rumors and causing pain to her and her family. Lauren is not surprisingly weary of the call and his intentions, but he makes it clear that he doesn't think she owes him anything by coming to the wedding. He tells her that Heidi really wants her to come and that if she has any place in her heart for Heidi, she should consider coming. I won't lie, I thought it was a nice apology. Ever since Speidi started going to therapy, he's been less of a d-bag. And since it looks like the wedding will happen, it's probably a good thing that he's making an effort for Heidi.

Next week's hour-long season finale will air on Sunday night. Tune in to see the Speidi wedding spectacular and bid Lauren adieu!

The Hills meets Walker, Texas Ranger

2009-05-19T18:58:00.000-07:00

So close to the season finale! All the drama building to one, pathetically lame climax in two weeks! OMG! Let's break down this episode:

Time for Spencer to get his act together. Heidi's REAL dad is coming to town and he's never met a boyfriend before. But, he's seen The Hills, right? I mean, he's "met" Spencer like we've all "met" Spencer. What else does he need to know? Also, Heidi's dad is a cowboy and will probably bring his gun to LA. Um, yes. I really like where this is going.

Audrina is getting more involved in her work, which means that she flirts with dudes in bands and gives the Evil Eye to girls in the music video. This week she's working with a band called The White Tie Affair, which is definitely not as cool a name as Parachute Knapsack, or whatever the ridiculous name of that previous band was a couple seasons ago. Also, Audrina has a crush on the lead singer and She-Pratt had a thing with one of the band members the last time they were in town. I don't see how this could go wrong!

HEIDI'S DAD TIME!! He's wearing a cowboy hat!! He's got steely blue eyes and he's a man of few words. He does start referring to a "Code of the West," which might involve shooting rabbits and other innocent creatures. I hope Spencer doesn't get caught in the crossfire.

Instead of goin' huntin', Spencer and Heidi's dad go walking at Venice Beach and Spencer asks Heidi's dad for permission to marry her. Despite the initial promise I thought her dad had, he agrees. He only mentions his Colt 45 twice. TWICE! C'mon, Bill! This wedding is going to happen and you aren't doing anything to stop it!

Time for Lauren to grow a pair and fire She-Pratt! Wow, She-Pratt is going to go ahead and CRY in the middle of the office. Yikes. Embarrassing for Lauren! Lauren made up some stupid reason about Kelly not having time to train a new person right now. To give you an idea of how lame that reason was, She-Pratt didn't even believe her when she said it.

So, in the wake of She-Pratt being FIRED FROM HER INTERNSHIP (seriously, does that even happen?!), she goes crying to Heidi and whines about how Lauren fired her. There was a tiny glimmer of "I told you so" in Heidi's eyes when she heard those words.

On the other side of town, Lauren tells Lo how She-Pratt cried during the firing. Lo has no pity and tells Lauren that she did what needed to be done. Geez, we got another Kelly Cutrone in training!

It's the big moment for Speidi! The third or fourth proposal! I've lost count at this point. Spencer rents a ferris wheel and when they get to the top it stops. Heidi is so scared by this that she yells, "Oh, Spency!" SPENCY! Haha! This whole season has been worth it just to hear that nickname. Anyway, Spencer tells Heidi that he asked her dad for permission to marry her. Heidi's surprised and tells Spencer that getting married is a bad idea. And that he'd have to make amends with Lauren AND Darlene (Heidi's mom) and give her a huge, princess wedding before she would even consider it. So, he makes up some crap about pretending to do those things and then drops some bling on her to make her forget about all that other stuff. The ring is huge, from what I can tell. It looks to be a yellow diamond, but it's tough to say since it's dark. Heidi is all smiles and they share an awkward kiss and that's that. The wedding is ON. And supposedly it's in two weeks on the season finale. That's some quick planning!

What's next: Will Heidi and Spencer ever get off that ferris wheel? Will She-Pratt and Lauren make up? Will someone please tell Justin Bobby to crash the wedding in those ridiculous black and white socks he was wearing last week?

"Uhhhh...line!"

2009-05-12T17:55:00.000-07:00

Another week of Audrina drama is upon us. J-Bob found out about Audrina and Broday's tryst in Hawaii and he's not happy. Even though they weren't technically together...those two are destined to be together and unhappy for the rest of their lives.

In more crazy person news, She-Pratt is showing Lauren her true colors by announcing that she wants to stop stressing about work and go on a "man-hunt." She already found a cute guy she likes (Robert) and she can't focus for 5 seconds to listen to Lauren as she warns her not to slack off at work. I think I see where this is going...it's called previews. MTV needs a lesson in the art of surprise.

Heidi and her work friend are talking about all they still have left to do for a work event and Heidi's all, "I know, I still have to get my nails done and find a new outfit," and work friend stares at her thinking, "Do you do any actual work?" Oh, and Heidi gets a text message from Stacy to visit her and talk. Awesome, can't wait.

In not-at-all-surprising news, She-Pratt is distracted at work and isn't listening to Lauren about what she needs to do. Lauren is supposed to go style an event all by herself tomorrow and she's entrusting She-Pratt to pack her bags for her. MISTAKE.

Audrina is working a showcase (how about this week's episode and all the actual work being done?!) and ordering people around. While the band performs, she gets a call from J-Bob! He wants to talk about Hawaii so she agrees to meet him tomorrow.

Surprise, She-Pratt forgot to pack a bag for Lauren for the shoot. So Lauren calls She-Pratt and asks her to bring the clothes to her at the shoot, but since She-Pratt is "on her lunch break" she won't go. Lauren hangs up on her (!) and decides to get a messenger to do it. She-Pratt is getting canned!

Heidi and Stacy have the lamest polite-fight ever. A fight where they pretend like they're being nice but they are actually saying things like, "You're crazy," "You're a homewrecker," "Your boyfriend is a d***," and "Good luck finding a guy," all in a super friendly tone of voice. It's hilarious.

Audrina met up with J-Bob and they "talked things through." Uhhh, not so much. Audrina gets there and after telling J-Bob to stop calling and texting her, she gets up to leave. J-Bob follows her and they yell a little bit in the street. But Audrina is obviously done messing with J-Bob drama, so she doesn't put up with his requests to listen to his side of things. I say good for her!

Kelly Cutrone is back and she's pissed! She asks to see Lauren in her office and when She-Pratt asks if she wants to see her too, she responds with, "No. I don't." Oh, she's catty and curt and I love it. Kelly tells Lauren that someone is going to pay for the mistake and that Lauren has to take care of it by the end of the week. Hehehe, Lauren has to fire She-Pratt. Awesome! But Lauren gets back to her desk and chickens out! Oh, Lauren, it's best to do it right away, like Kelly says - "Like a guillotine." Yes, Kelly. Yes.

Next week: some stuff happens. Maybe Lauren fires She-Pratt, maybe not. My DVR cut out before they showed the previews. This is better, actually. Maybe I'll be surprised by some of the next episode!

This guy? Really?

2009-05-06T16:41:00.000-07:00

The aftermath of the Broday and Audrina hook up is about to unfold. Lauren and Audrina go shopping and when Lauren tells Audrina that Jayde (Broday's gf) and Broday have been fighting for days since he told her about the Hawaii hookup, Audrina's response is, "So it's an issue?" What. The. Crap. Audrina? YES. It is an ISSUE. My God, you sleep with a guy who has a girlfriend and you think that she'll understand that "feelings are feelings" as Broday so eloquently put it? Oh no, it's about to GO DOWN. Jayde is gunnin' for you. Not all gf's are as understanding (read: idiotic) as Heidi and let their bf's do whatever they want.

Hey, everybody! Heidi's work friend is back and she's wearing a shirt with a tie attached to it! And scene.

Frankie's having a BBQ and Lauren and Lo show up sans Audrina. They aren't dumb enough to bring along Jayde's nemesis. But Audrina texts anyway to say that she's coming and Lauren's all, "Who's she coming with?" As in: "What idiot decided that it would be a good idea to get involved with this fight?"

It would also appear that there's some drama in Heidiwood. Spencer is seeing that trampy waitress again and Heidi read his text from Stacy so she knows that they're supposed to meet up! So, Heidi grabs her sister and She-Pratt and they go to the same bar to confront that home-wrecker! (Also, what is happening with She-Pratt? The bronzer, the necklace? OMG, lady. You need to cool it.)

So, Broday's gf, Jayde? She looks like a tranny. I'm not even trying to be mean, but I kept thinking, who does she look like? She looks like a man. Her eye brows are WHACK, she has duck lips and she has enough foundation on to cover some five o'clock shadow. I guess what I'm trying to say is: Audrina stands little to no chance of walking out of this BBQ without getting bitch-slapped. Audrina and Jayde attempt to talk it out, but it doesn't go very well, because Audrina doesn't admit to doing anything wrong and Jayde seems to get so mad that she can't even think of anything to say. So, Audrina leaves. I guess she's banned until Jay-day break up?

Watching therapy sessions with Speidi is the best part of this show. It's like finally someone with half a brain can get in the middle of their fights and make them realize that they are idiots.

Audrina and She-Pratt decide to go to a party where Broday and Jayde are also likely to be. Jayde is drinking Jager straight from the bottle the way someone might drink water after a long run. And, as one might expect, she confronts Audrina and things get awkward. In the end, even though Audrina talked a big game about standing up to Jayde, she leaves because she can't handle the drama.

Ooh, Spencer's back for some solo therapy! He actually makes way more sense when talking to someone who's not a raging moron. But, even though he knows that all he needs to do to fix the current drama between him and Heidi is to stop going out to the clubs, he can't promise to do that. That's the Spencer I know!

Lauren meets up with Broday with their obligatory once-a-season dinner date and they talk about the love triangle that is destroying Broday's life. Lauren thinks that Broday needs to apologize to Audrina because she's been facing the wrath from Jayde, but he doesn't think that's a good idea because Jayde would probably find out and kick his a$$. So he thinks the apology should wait and Lauren responds with, "Sometimes we sacrifice friendships for the ones we love. It wouldn't be the first time." You see what she did there? She brought it right back to her. That selfish little minx can't let others have the spotlight for two seconds?!

Next time: Audrina says good-bye to J-Bob; Heidi confronts Stacy; and She-Pratt FAILS at her internship (surprise!).

Is this whore-y enough?

2009-04-28T16:32:00.000-07:00

On this week's episode of The Hills, the girls crash the boys' weekend in Hawaii. Broday is mad for 4 seconds and then the girls agree to do shots and he's in heaven. I think Doug is on this trip. As in, Doug the guy who dated Lauren to be on The Hills and then moved to She-Pratt to stay on The Hills and then gave up on The Hills and moved to Paris Hilton. THAT Doug. He sucks. And there's also Frankie and Sleazy T and Broday, of course. For the girls there's Lauren, Lo, Audrina and She-Pratt.

Heidi and Spencer are shopping in Barnes and Noble (probably staging a photo shoot in the children's books section!) and Heidi mentions that Colby, her ex-boyfriend from forever ago, is coming to town for a visit. Well, of course he is! Those two haven't seen each other in five years and after one arranged visit in CO (by Heidi's mom!) they are suddenly friends again. Spencer is jealous, obviously, even though anyone could tell that Heidi was so not into Colby when she was forced to eat dinner with him. But Colby goes to Bible college, so I think he could give some great advice to Spencer.

Oooh, it's a double date with Speidi and Colby and his girlfriend. Ha! Looks like Spencer has nothing to worry about! Colby's girlfriend, Ashley, warms up to Heidi right away by telling her that "she looks so different." OMG! This girl is incredibly unaware and I love it! Heidi is pretty surprised because she must have a Don't Talk About My Plastic Surgery Clause written into her contract. Looks like Ashley didn't sign it! They go on to talk about how they are saving themselves for marriage and Spencer's jaw basically hits the floor. He's having a lot of fun messing with them and even invites Colby to go boxing with him the next day. I hope Colby beats the crap out of him.

Over in Hawaii She-Pratt tells Audrina that hooking up with Broday might be a good way to get J-Bob back. She's got a million ideas, folks! Priceless.

Boxing time with Spencer and Colby gives way to more questions from Spencer about how Colby could possibly manage to stay a virgin. Colby informs him that it's not hard and that he prays a lot, but that he's looking forward to a bigger payoff. And that's when he invites Spencer to join his Bible Study that night. Because Colby hosts a Traveling Bible Study? Awesome!

Tensions arise in Hawaii when Audrina admits to having a little crush on Broday. How is this not super weird for Lauren and Audrina?!

At the Traveling Bible Study, where it would seem that Spencer and Heidi both had their own Bibles (!), Spencer asks to see the verse where it forbids sex before marriage. Ashley refers to it as "fornification" and Colby quickly corrects her, "fornication!" Not that he, you know, pays attention to that or anything, gah! Anywhoo, they find the verse that condemns Speidi to hell and then move on. Spencer is saddened by this news, I guess, and decides to text during Bible Study. And let's be honest, even if he and Heidi weren't going to hell before, he'd be well on his way already.

Drama is averted in Hawaii when Broday refuses Audrina's subtle offer to be "more than friends." AKA, he didn't follow her inside the house. Frankie gives him shit for it, but he tells everyone that he's in love with his girlfriend, Jayde. He's a better man than I thought he was, but I'm pretty sure that Jayde sucks.

Oh snap! Nevermind! He just waltzed into the house to talk to Audrina and told her that he thinks she's sweet and that he's glad they've been friends for so long and he doesn't want there to be any hard feelings. BUT...if something were to happen one night, with no one else around, well "feelings are feelings." That's the Broday I know! And it's confirmed the next morning as the girls wake up to discover that Audrina slept over at Broday's place! Good thing "no one else was around" so it can be their little secret!

As the boys and girls dish about what happened between Audrina and Broday, one thing is certain, Jayde is gonna cut a bitch. Audrina, watch your back!

Don't hate.

2009-04-27T18:58:00.000-07:00

I haven't recapped in two, now three weeks. I suck. I just watched the last two episodes of The Hills and here's the interesting stuff. This week's episode to follow tomorrow!

Wedding FAIL

With the Speidi wedding coverage all over the interwebs, it's a little hard to play into the possible break-up drama. The "will they or won't they?" factor is gone, and it wasn't even all that strong to begin with, considering that those two fame-whores will do anything to get attention. This is their biggest media stunt to date. But I can't wait for when Heidi pees in an outdoor toilet to find out if she's preggers or not. (And PS - Is that Darlene in that photo?! Heidi's mom?! I expected more from you, D. I really did.)

And speaking of fame-whores! She-Pratt is begging Lauren to get her an internship at People's Revolution. I can already tell that Kelly Cutrone is not going to like She-Pratt. And yet Lauren is going to risk her job to get her an interview. Lauren might have stopped making stupid decisions about boys, but she hasn't stopped making stupid decisions!

At the interview, Kelly eats her alive. She busts her chops about wanting to use PR to build her handbag line. And then she asks if She-Pratt can use a computer and print labels. Any office monkey can print a damn label and She-Pratt has no clue. She is hopeless. If she gets this internship then it will be because MTV paid Cutrone to do it.

In Speidi news, Heidi returns from CO and she and Spencer are still fighting. She-Pratt convinces Heidi to hit the bars to try and find Spencer and his friend Charlie to see if he's behaving. And what do you know?! A million bars in LA and they happen to find the one that Spencer goes to! Incredible detective work, ladies. And how is it that Spencer will still not admit to being a d-bag even when Heidi catches him out with the bartender and her friends?! He is the worst. And now that I know about the wedding, that makes Heidi, Mrs. Worst.

MTV is shilling out the big bucks! She-Pratt got the internship. But Kelly told Lauren that if she screws up then she's got to fire her. Awesome. Another friendship doomed to fail.

Even though I know that she won't back up her words, Heidi did give Spencer what-for at lunch the next day. It's probably the most "real" she's ever been and it was great to see her act like a human being in a relationship. But nothing lasts forever...

You're kidding me, right?

Even though J-Bob did "put a ring on it," Audrina is unhappy in the relationship, so she's looking for a new guy. She-Pratt is FAILING at her internship at PR. And Speidi is still fighting about going to a therapist. So let's see how this episode shakes down.

Audrina has her eyes set on...wait for it...BRODAY! Good God, it's just like high school when all the popular kids just dated other popular kids and swapped boyfriends and girlfriends over and over. That didn't make sense then and it doesn't make sense now. Broday was with Lauren and Lauren is Audrina's best (ish) friend so any combination of those three is going to equal AWKWARD. Not to mention the fact that Broday is dating some duck-lipped hoochie mama (Jayde) who's getting very possessive. Yeah, that'll last.

There's some classic J-Bob in this episode. Me-thinks he's back on the sauce again because he's all over the place. Broday's trying to convince him to win Audrina back and he's bouncing to the music, and interrupting Broday with, "We should go surfing again!" Focus, J-Bob. Unfortunately, even when he's focused, he's still an idiot and he and Audrina start fighting again. I thought they were totally broken up, but she's still acting like they're together and that he's a bad boyfriend. Oh, those two.

Guess who sucks at their job? A LOT. She-Pratt. Like, more than words can say. She's got ADD or something. She doesn't focus and when Lauren asks her a question, she spaces out and won't answer. This was a huge mistake. But I secretly hope that Kelly fires her and she goes down in a blaze of whatever the opposite of glory is. Shame maybe. That would work.

Hehehe, it's time for therapy with our favorite couple! They start blabbing about their pathetic drama-filled lives and the therapist (my new favorite person!) calls them "high schoolish." BAM! Take THAT, Speidi! You just got served. Therapy-style. And then the therapist makes them face each other and tell the other one how they feel. Spencer doesn't take it seriously, so Heidi flips and then the therapist sides with Heidi at first, but then is all, "Why are you still with him if you think he's checked out emotionally?" God, therapy is awesome. It's like the perfect way to get people to understand that they are acting like d-bags.

The ladies who lunch (Lauren, Lo and Audrina) decide that they take a trip to Hawaii at the same time the boys are taking their trip to Hawaii. But they promise, "no drama." "Famous last words," says Lauren. Indeed.

Next time on The Hills: Audrina and Broday?! Say it ain't so! Bro-dri-nay? Awesome.

Hope you brought a barf-bag!

2009-04-07T18:58:00.000-07:00

Because the rough seas of friendship are about to get a little choppy! Welcome back, bitches! Hope you enjoyed your Speidi-Free time because it's about to end. Right now. I heard Lauren isn't really featured that much this season because her life was "drama-free," but I know that those two idiots will be able to bring some drama to the table. As you've probably heard by now, this will be Lauren's last season of The Hills. As in, Lauren is wisely moving on with her life and MTV is going to continue this show without her. I don't know how I feel about that. Without Lauren the show's anchor would be Audrina? Heidi? SPENCER?! Oh god no!

Anyway, let's begin with the recap, shall we? We open - where else? - at lunch. She-Pratt and Heidi start gabbing about Lauren's upcoming surprise party. It seems as if Heidi wasn't invited. Shocker. But Heidi is shocked since she and Lauren have been "talking and texting and stuff." So She-Pratt agrees to take the fall and bring her as her guest. I smell drama!

Well, well, well...look who's finally friendly! It's Lo and Audrina! It seems they've joined forces to throw Lauren a surprise party. And, being the good script-reading girls that they are, they fill us in on what's happened with them during their hiatus. JustinBobby is out of the picture (Ha! Yeah right, Audrina.), because even "after the ring" he gave her in Palm Springs, nothing changed. I never would have seen that coming, Audrina, don't feel bad (*eye roll*). Also, the girls make it seem like the Lauren-Heidi thing is a little one-sided...aka Heidi is a pathetic loser who won't stop stalking Lauren.

And speaking of the pathetic loser! Heidi and She-Pratt are getting gussied up and whispering about how Heidi didn't tell anyone that she was coming - not even Spencer! So they flat out lie (and poorly, I might add), that they're going to girls' night out and that Lauren *might* be there. I mean, it's her birthday, so I'd give it at least a 50/50 chance, right?

Lauren's bday party is on a yacht and she is blindfolded so she has no clue where they are. The girls actually pull off a pretty good surprise, thanks mostly to Frankie who yells in Lauren's blindfolded face and scares the crap out of her! Another job well done, Frankie.

Back in D-bag Village, we are introduced to Charlie, "Spencer's Friend." Riiiight. I'm guessing he's a cameraman? paid extra? hobo? they hired to complete the scene. We are also introduced to Stacie, the bartender at some skeezy club. She's pouring shots of Patron, the same thing that Spencer had right before he tricked Heidi into marrying him. Awwww.

Oh, and in case you were worried about it, Heidi made it to the yacht before it left the dock! Now they're all on board together! The only way to get away from her is to jump ship. Pretty ruthless plan, Heidi. She's smarter than we give her credit fo--hahahahaha! I'm sorry, even I couldn't make it through that without laughing. Anyway, Lauren's pissed at She-Pratt for inviting her former bestie. Looks like She-Pratt's going overboard!

Lots of talking going on at the yacht. Not surprisingly, the whole Heidi drama has taken over the night. But Lauren's not freaking out about it. On the contrary, she and She-Pratt have a good talk about why she and Heidi aren't friends (hint: it's because of Spencer!) and how she can't understand why Heidi just won't let it be. Lo also gives some words of advice to Heidi and I doubt Heidi will listen to them because she doesn't like taking good advice.

We return to Spencer's night of debauchery and it looks like he's encountered an enemy - She-Pratt's ex-boyfriend. He goes to say hello, but ex-bf is none-to-pleased to see Spencer flirting with the hottie bartender. Me-thinks he'll be spilling the beans about this!

And about 3 seconds later She-Pratt gets a text from her ex about Spencer's flirting. She waits about half a second before telling Heidi and Heidi proclaims that she "wants to get off the boat." Well, here's a life vest and a paddle. We'll be seein' ya!

Turns out she just calls Spencer and asks if the rumor is true, which he denies. And then he tells her he's going to go beat up ex-bf for lying. Spencer's a d-bag and all, but there's no way he can win a fight. And yet, ex-bf is shockingly wimpy! After trash-talking for a minute, Spencer finally wails on the guy, catching him off-guard. He proceeds to punch him a good 5 or 6 times before the fight is broken up. Then, he grabs his jacket, tells his "friend" that they're bouncing and off he goes. News reaches the yacht fast and before even Heidi knows, someone yells that "Spencer just hit Cameron!"

Lauren decides to take this opportunity to remind Heidi just how much Spencer sucks. She doesn't mince words and things get pretty emotional. If you watched the trailer, you know what happens, and it seems as if the girls honestly wish that the situation was different but neither of them can agree on how to make it work now. Tears are shed and hugs are given. In the end, they are still up-in-the-air as friends.

We were on a break!

Spencer decides to pay She-Pratt a visit and tell her off. Because this whole thing was clearly her fault. Spencer is obviously blaming everyone but himself for the encounter at the bar and resulting fight with Heidi. But I don't know how far that will get him because Heidi is FINALLY acting like a semi-normal adult! She decides that the only person she can trust in this situation is the bartender from the night that Spencer got into a fight. Turns out she was right, because homegirl was completely honest with Heidi and told her what Spencer said. She also mentioned that if that were *her* man, she wouldn't be happy with the way he acted. Thankfully someone is telling it like it really is! Now, if only Heidi would actually listen to her.

After a brief argument in which Heidi told Spencer that she knows what really happened at the bar and Spencer tried to turn things around on Heidi ("I can't believe you don't trust me!"), Speidi are taking yet another break. This time Heidi's going back to CO to think about things. Who wants to put money down on Spencer going out there again to surprise her?!

I guess Lauren is still enrolled in school? Uhhh, OK. She and She-Pratt are out looking at fabric swatches and Lauren isn't being very helpful. She finally tells S-P that she doesn't think it was cool that Heidi went to her birthday party and that if S-P was really her friend she would have told Heidi not to go. Then S-P went a little crazy and asked, "Why can't you just be friends with her?!" And Lauren was like, "Because I hate your brother and she's marrying him!" Ah-ha! Don't you remember, She-Pratt? It's not just because Lauren has too many friends and can't fit one more in the group. Lauren tells S-P to seriously stop trying to force Heidi and her to be friends. And I doubt S-P will listen, but good try anyway.

Hell has frozen over! Broday and Spencer together again! Spencer sent Broday a text about his "desperate situation" and Broday had to answer the call of a former BFF. Sounds nice, right? Oh, that's until you hear Broday agreeing with Spencer. Saying that he should be mad at Heidi for believing Cameron over him. See, and this is where your logic falls apart, Broday...SPENCER WAS FLIRTING WITH THE BARTENDER. Get it through your head!! Cameron was totally in the right sending a text to She-Pratt. He didn't know that S-P would show it to Heidi right away or at all. God, these people are driving me crazy!

Hmmm, on the other hand, Broday is trying to convince Spencer to spread his wings and have some guy time. Yeah. Yeah, I like where this is going. Go on, Spencer, go have some guy time. He won't make it one night without eff-ing something up. Speidi will be dunzo!

In chilly Colorado, Heidi's parents are trying to convince her to go back with her old boyfriend (of like 20 year ago), Colby. He's got his act together, keeps asking about Heidi and...whatdaya know?! He just happens to be at the restaurant! What?! Such a coincidence! OK, I don't know how many people even read this blog, or out of those people how many actually still watch The Hills. But the scene in the CO restaurant is priceless, I'm telling you. This Colby kid sits at their table and Heidi's mom proceeds to recount all the good times he and Heidi had together. Then she starts saying how Colby was a wrestling stud back in the day and Heidi fires back with, "Spencer is a purple belt in Jiu Jitsu." AAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

I'm sorry, but I have to catch my breath. That's the funniest thing that's ever been said on The Hills, including all of JustinBobby's drug-induced ranting. Thanks, Heidi. Thanks a million.

Broday and Lauren meet up to dish about the bday party and the resulting drama. And Lauren mentions that she thinks it's funny that after Spencer and Heidi burned both Lauren and Broday, they have no one else to call except for them. Oh Lauren, you are so wise.

And while Heidi is in CO telling her mom that she's glad that she and Spencer didn't get married, Spencer is back at that bar flirting it up with the bartender. Oh, he's wooing her good. Giving her the ol' weasel eyes and trying to put his skeezy beard in just the right light. Yeah, I bet the ladies are glad that he's back on the prowl. And PS, what girl in her right mind witnesses the drama that goes down between a boyfriend and a girlfriend and thinks, "Yeah, I need a man like that. I wonder if they're over yet." If she wants him, she can have him.

This season on The Hills! Spencer and that bartender really go out on a date! Lauren gets She-Pratt a job at People's Revolution (Kelly Cutrone is BACK!), Broday gets a new girlfriend just as Audrina tells him that she has a crush on him and She-Pratt tells her to hook up with Broday to get JustinBobby back! It's gonna be a good one! You know, relative to other seasons...not actually good.

Coming Soon

2009-04-06T19:55:00.000-07:00

So, I was all prepared to write the recap of The Hills tonight. But I guess it's an hour long and MTV.com hasn't put it online yet. I waited patiently for about 15 minutes and watched several videos online, including that one from Justin Timberlake and Ciara. Um, have you seen that yet? It's crazy. You should check it out if you enjoy either of those two artists, but it's not exactly safe for work. That's all I'm saying.

Tune in tomorrow for my Hills Season 5 premiere recap!

What's that look?

2009-03-12T07:43:00.000-07:00

Oh, hey Mandy Moore, how's it going? What's that? You say you secretly married Ryan Adams on Tuesday? Wow. Yeah, that is exciting. Except...what's that look on your face? It doesn't quite look like happiness to me. It looks a wee bit like SHAME. Hmmm.

I just wonder why you decided to get married so quickly and forgo the whole big, elaborate ceremony. Oh, I know Ryan's a little shy, but "secret weddings" often signify something else entirely. Do I need to spell it out for you, Moore?! I am on to your little game here. You read my blog post and decided to prove me wrong just for spite! Well, I've got news for you. I still give it 6 months. Starting from the original post on February 11, 2009. Start counting down to August 11, Mandy.

Either that or you're pregnant.

PS. Nice scarf.

Get out your Kleenex!

2009-02-25T07:49:00.000-08:00

It's the new trailer for The Hills Season Five!! MTV is calling this the trailer for Season Four "bonus episodes," but they should just fess up to the fact that America's Best Dance Crew isn't pulling in those ratings like they'd hoped. (I actually love that show, but the truth hurts). Let's take a look! Recap below!

We open with Lauren visiting a card reader. Is she an idiot? People on The Hills need to STOP PRETENDING THEY AREN'T ON TV! I could be a card reader too if my clients' lives were broadcast for millions of people to see.

"I see that you have terrible taste in men. You seem to pick the biggest d-bags around and pretend that you can change them."

See? Easy. So, nice try lady, give Lauren her $50 bucks back.

Anyway, it's Lauren's birthday and her friends have decided to throw her a surprise party. Is it a costume party? Because Lauren is dressed as a flapper. That deep red lipstick is not a great look for you, Conrad, keep trying. Determined to win her friend back, Heidi decides to crash the party and make a grand gesture to show Lauren how much...she's still ruining other people's lives? I'm confused, but let's go with it.

In Heidi's other life, we see that Spencer has gone back to his flirting ways and is trying to pick up a bartender. And then he denies it to Heidi when She-Pratt's boyfriend tells on him. Spencer is pissed, things are likely to get ugly.

Back in Lauren-land, the whole gang gathers to celebrate the last night in Lauren's house. Why do they move every year? Especially when Lauren doesn't have any idea what she's going to do next. Is it like the Real World where MTV picks a new location and tricks out these amazing houses for jerks to live in on their tab? Wow, I think I just solved that mystery. I'm a regular Sherlock over here!

Now we see snow bunny Heidi (in a ridiculous hat) telling her mom that she doesn't know if she and Spencer can "get through this." Her mom basically does cartwheels upon hearing this news. Operation Bring Speidi Down is officially in action.

And it looks like things are bad enough to make Spencer go crawling back to Broday! I thought that they were DUNZO. But Lauren comments to Broday that the two people Spencer and Heidi screwed over the most are the only two people they have left. Ouch!

This really does play like a movie trailer. And now it's time for the big finale! Lauren and Heidi. Together. Crying. Hugging. I would be lying if I said that I didn't tear up when I watched this. And on that note, I must go and seriously re-evaluate my life. See you in March, bitches!

I give it 6 months. Tops.

2009-02-11T19:38:00.001-08:00

Mandy Moore and Ryan Adams have gotten engaged, People.com reports. OK. What?! This is doomed to fail. She's dated everyone from Wilmer Valderrama to Andy Roddick to DJ AM (read: has bad taste). And he's a wackadoo rock star who may have cleaned up his image, but is not the kind of guy you want to marry. I love his music, but I've seen interviews with him and he's bonkers.

I'm going to take bets as to when this relationship ends, have your say in the comments section. My prediction: 6 months - engagement called off.

VH1, I hardly knew ye.

2009-01-13T11:18:00.000-08:00

Vh1 has changed. They used to be the music channel for parents back when MTV was playing videos for young people (aka me). I always imagined older people watching Vh1 and thinking, "Thank God for this channel because Vanessa Williams and Michael Bolton need an outlet for their amazing videos." I'll admit, my TV dial might have wandered over to Vh1 from time to time to watch the Mariah Carey/Boyz II Men video. Oh, what? That song/video was A-MAZ-ING and don't even try to tell me otherwise.

But the point I'm trying to make is this: when did Vh1 die and come back to life as E! Entertainment Television?

It's impossible to turn on Vh1 and watch anything other than a reality show. I dare you to find a block of music videos on during waking hours. Top 20 Countdown? Yeah, it's on at like 8 AM on Saturday morning and who the hell even votes for the videos anymore? And how do we know what the so-called "videos" even look like? All we see anymore is Bret Michaels, skanky girls, Bobby Brady, Sharon Osbourne, Scott Baio, Tila Tequila, and Flava Flav. What network in hell thinks that programming with "stars" like these is a good thing?

Well, that would be the same network that just premiered Confessions of a Teen Idol and Tool Academy. And here is where my argument falls apart because I watched BOTH of these shows last Sunday. Judge not lest ye be judged, I guess. Tool Academy is a piece of crap show that I won't watch again. Basically, girls tricked their bad boyfriends into going on a reality show, so that they might be rehabilitated into good boyfriends. It's hard to watch. The guys are total jerks (aka tools) and the girls should have left them long before reality TV show tryouts.

The real winner is Confessions of a Teen Idol because Real World's own Eric Neis is on it! Haha! Since when is Eric Neis considered a teen idol? There are also two dudes from Baywatch on there and some older guys who I didn't know at all and then there's the guy from 90210 who dated Donna Martin for a while and also had a #1 song - Jamie Walters. But the best thing about this show is that it's co-hosted by Scott Baio and the older brother from The Wonder Years! Riiiight. Because these guys have their shit together?? What?! Scott Baio gets married and has a baby and all the sudden he's hosting reality shows and giving advice?! Heaven help us all.

Like any show on Vh1, they pile the idols into a warehouse and put them through exercises designed to help them discover themselves. There are focus groups, makeovers, tantrums, tears and more! And I think that at the end they'll all find work just like Bobby Brady and his crazy wife did...on another reality show. Because, listen closely washed out celebs, no one cares about you anymore. You will forever have a career on Vh1, but that's it. We won't be seeing the new movie starring "That one guy from Baywatch!" any time soon. Give it up. Or try and convince the geniuses at Vh1 to give you Another Shot at Real Love from a Tool Teenage Idol who Doesn't Play Videos Anymore.

Celebrity Sighting...Well Sorta....

2009-01-06T09:34:00.000-08:00

Last night Andrew and I went out to eat in celebration of his 26th birthday. After what was probably the most delicious meal I’ve ever had at Outback, we hit up WalMart for a battery for his RoboDuck. I wanted to check out the jeans in the men's section because my little brother Riley really likes Wranglers and I wanted to see if they had his size. They didn't. But believe me, I didn't leave the jeans section disappointed.

As I was leaving the section a young man pushing a buggy caught my eye. He looked extremelly familiar and after I saw the young lady clinging to his arm I knew exactly who he was. It was the eldest Duggar child and his teenage bride…her name escapes me now, but it doesn’t matter. I’m sure they have changed it to something that begins with a J – probably Janessa - it was probably part of their wedding vows - "I promise to love, honor, obey and go by the name Janessa, as long as we both shall live"... As I looked at them trying to be 100% certain of their identity I ran through a "Duggar Woman Checklist" of sorts:

Long crimped brown hair - Check
No make-up - Check
Long blue jean skirt - Check
Short-sleeve plaid button up shirt - Check (mind you it was 25 degrees outside)
Clinging to his arm cause until the day they got married all they were allowed to do was hold hands - Check

Yep - if it walks like a Duggar, dresses like a Duggar and looks like a Duggar it must be a Duggar!

I was estactic. I wanted to say hi, begin a pleasant conversation, become friends, but after the blog post I wrote about them a couple of months ago I didn't feel it'd be right. So instead I began whisper yelling at Andrew trying to get his attention so he'd turn around and see them too. He told me later he was intently staring at the tacky lingerie across the aisle trying to come up with a joke to crack about it and that's why it was so hard to get his attention. Finally he turned around and I told him of the Duggar sighting. He turned (pretty obviously, I might add) to check them out.

Andrew offered to take a picture of me with the Duggars and looking back I regret that I was too embarrassed to ask them - what a gem that would have been. And I could have posted on the blog along with my post.

I think I talked about my "celebrity" sighting for a good 45 minutes after it happened and I'm sure Andrew was thinking "these people aren't celebrities" but to me they are. It's like I told Andrew, I'm so used to seeing them on the tv doing things in Fayetteville, but never actually seeing them in Fayetteville that sometimes I'm not sure they're really real. Last night confirmed it - all 21 of the Duggars are real.

Oh and for those of you who have seen the show - no, Joshua and his teen bride "Janessa" were not accompanied by chaperons.

And if you're bored...they have their very own website!

Broday's "Bromance" is a Pain in my Kardashian

2008-12-30T12:41:00.000-08:00

Who hasn't seen the MTV promo for their new Monday nights and heard Broday ask "What is a Bromance?"

I think he answers that it's something like a friendship between your good buddies....

WRONG-O Broday.

What is a Bromance ? I'll tell you. It's a lame attempt at recreating Paris Hilton's My New Best Friend, only for guys. I didn't think it'd be possible to have a show on TV worse than Paris' but I was wrong. Broday takes the cake with this stinker.

You're probably feeling sorry for me about right now because I wasted an hour of my life watching this catastrophe, but don't - cause I didn't. No, I formed pretty strong opinions about this rotten tomato of a show in all of about 3 minutes.

During a commercial break of Jon & Kate plus 8 (a true gem of a show) I decided I'd check out Bromance. What I saw almost made me throw up in my mouth. The instant I tuned in, the contestants were arriving at a club where they were hoping they'd find the four girls they picked up that day decked out in lingerie waiting to get into the club. You see that was their challenge - have four girls show up at the club for a lingerie party. I didn't watch past that to see who was successful - I had to get back to that lovable family of two sets of multiples.

I did change back over around 8:50ish thinking I could stomach the end and not wanting to miss a minute of The City. I was wrong.

This time I tuned in just in time to hear Broday tell the guys it was elimination night and he was heading up to his hot tub to think it over. No thanks Broday - I quickly returned to TLC.

So in short I will not be tuning in for Bromance because it sucks. But I will be watching The City and I have lots of opinions to share. So maybe I'll try a recap tomorrow night. It probably won't be near as funny, well written or insightful as Jenny's, but I'll give it the ol'college try - which is more than MTV can say for their most recent "masterpiece" Bromance.

Oh, and did I mention that guy in the picture above (the one you don't recognize) his name is Sleazy T. I rest my case.

O' Christmas Tree!

2008-12-24T08:25:00.001-08:00

I can't help but show off the tree Jules and I put together for our work Christmas party. Check it out!

So I married a d-bag

2008-12-22T20:38:00.000-08:00

Another season is about to come to an end. Will Heidi really marry Spencer in a court of law? Will Lauren be able to find a friend who sticks with her through thick and thin (Lo doesn't count, sorry)? Will Whitney ever talk to any of these losers ever again? Let's find out...right now!

In the aftermath of the Speidi wedding, Heidi returns to work at Bolthouse (as an intern?) and she's meeting up with Work Friend and Brent to talk "business." Brent asks the girls how their vacations were and Heidi admits to getting married after they "had a couple margaritas." Nice. Brent's response? "Shut up." and then "Alright." Yeah, that's about everyone's reaction, Brenty boy!

Lauren and Lo are getting primped for an event that night. Bolthouse is throwing the event and Heidi will likely be there. All this build up will lead up to a Lauren/Heidi reunion. So, get ready.

Oh. God. This is the ultimate Justin Bobby shot if ever there was one. Check that out. Overalls. No shirt. On a hog. Yep. That pretty much sums up Justin Bobby in a nutshell. Where the hell are those two heading? Looks like a little bungalow in Palm Springs. Just the two of them. For a weekend retreat without drama. Pop open the champagne!

Whoa, things just got real. Heidi's mom is in town. You can cut the tension with a knife. She and Spencer are just sitting in silence. When Heidi comes in she's surprised to see her mom and I think that's the point. This is an intervention, you idiot. Mom gets pretty upset about the whole thing, but Heidi defends her decision again by referencing the margaritas (seriously, you should cut that from your description, you aren't making it any better) and a beautiful sunset. Her mom says that if Heidi's happy then she's happy, but then she starts crying because it's just another example of how she isn't involved in Heidi's life anymore. Heidi then invites her to City Hall the next day where they are going to make it legal. This is your chance, Darlene! Swipe Spencer with your SVU on the way there - I'll owe you big time! At least Spencer has learned to keep his mouth shut. He lets Heidi do all the talking and sits on the couch trying to look innocent.

Back in Palm Springs Justin and Audrina talk about their relationship. Justin starts talking about the heavens and his lucky stars and I'm pretty sure he almost says truth and time tell all, and then he tells her that he's so lucky to know Audrina. That he never opens up with other people. And then he gives her a ring. NOT what you're thinking. It's a sweet ring, very simple, but he gives it to her as a sign that...uh...um...he's not a d-bag? So, anyways, way to go, JBob!

It's event time! Heidi and Work Friend are schmoozing and meet up with Holly and She-Pratt. It's black tie and She-Pratt is wearing a fur vest and orange shirt. WTF? (*Side note: I'm almost positive that I saw Steven from the Real World Las Vegas at the party. The clip showed him for less than a second, but I have watched enough crappy MTV to pinpoint a Real Worlder from a mile away!) That's when they spot Lauren and Lo from across the room and they wave and it's civil, but Heidi immediately wants to go over to Lauren. So, She-Pratt tells her to do it. And Lo scurries away!

The Heidi and Lauren confrontation. Ya'll it was just so sad. It wasn't even remotely hostile. It's just too bad that things had to happen the way they did because they obviously care about each other even after all that's happened. I have to say, it's one of the few times on The Hills when Heidi seemed real. Not like robotic, reading cue cards, but emotional and heartfelt and honest. And Lauren admitted that she missed Heidi and was there for her if she ever really needed anything. It was just a nice moment between two former friends and I'm glad they repaired some of the damage. Oh, and DEATH to Spencer!

The real Spencer comes out when Darlene confronts him and says that he manipulated the whole wedding. She tells him that she won't let him go to the courthouse to make it legal. But it's an empty threat and Spencer knows it and so he acts like a d-bag and smiles a fake smile and then calls her "mom." STRANGLE HIM, DARLENE!! DO IT!

In Palm Springs JBob and Audrina share a nice morning together and automatically become the most normal couple on the show. Congrats, guys!

It's time for the wedding event of the year! In a courtroom. Wah-wah. Heidi is having doubts because her mom did not show up to support her. And so she heads to the bathroom to "freshen up" aka "jump out the window!" While she's gone, She-Pratt (the witness) tells Spencer that he shouldn't go through with it because it's a scary courtroom wedding and she's supposed to remember this day forever and all she's going to remember is the police officer and judge and that her mom and sister aren't talking to her. All sound arguments. And yet, they proceed with the ceremony. Heidi says her vows and then... THEN.

Spencer stops the ceremony. He won't do it if Heidi is upset about her mom not being there. He will wait to get married if that what she wants. Wow. I can't even believe that he did that. I hate him a little less now. Very little, but it's something. So, the whole wedding thing was a fraud. They aren't married. Heidi, there's still time to get out! I'm getting together with Darlene to break these two apart! With my blog and her actually knowing each of them, I think we stand a chance!

I think that as far as season finales goes, this one was pretty good. We had actual drama instead of manufactured drama and it wasn't a huge let down. I was actually surprised that the wedding was a no-go. Speidi has done a lot of press about how they legally got married, but that was just a sham, it seems. Well played, you a-holes.

See you all next season. Happy Holidays!

We've officially bottomed out

2008-12-18T19:11:00.001-08:00

I know People.com doesn't count as an actual news source, but seriously? This is the type of questions we're asking these days? And I am only feeding the fire by writing this blog. I may have to re-evaluate my life during The Hills hiatus.

One union ends and another begins. And I just threw up.

2008-12-15T20:25:00.000-08:00

Buckle up, kids, this episode will follow the train wreck that was the Speidi wedding. I'm going to have to ignore my own one-line rule for Speidi this post. So you've been warned. Spencer's brainwashing is near completion. Heidi and Spencer arrive in Mexico and it looks as if the vacation was a surprise for Heidi. Spencer tells her that this will be the most memorable vacation of her life and he's probably right. I think it's nearly impossible to forget that weekend in Mexico when you throw caution to the wind and decide to marry a d-bag.

Back in LA, Whit gets a phone call offering her the job at Diane von Furstenberg! Lauren makes faces both sad and happy. Well done.

You know how Speidi always pose for paparazzi in ridiculous getups and situations (like this and this)? Well, I think their need for attention may have permanently altered their brains. Heidi waltzes out to their terrace with champagne wearing a bikini and HIGH HEELS. Spencer is casually lounging on a chair reading a book (probably War & Peace) and it's just like a scene out of a movie. Just to clarify, I mean any one of the Saw movies. Moving on...

LA again - She-Pratt pays a visit to Audrina and JBob is there hanging out, so I guess they're back together...again. She-Pratt is looking high and low (hence the visit to Audrina's - burn!) and cannot find Speidi. She's called everyone, even her mom, who apparently talks to Heidi every day. Alert the authorities! Speidi's on the loose!

Over in Cabo, Speidi spend the night awkwardly sitting alone drinking shots of Patron. Looks like Heidi's sloshed and Spencer uses this ample opportunity to tell her that they should get married. Yes, he told her. He didn't ask her. She's looped out of her mind, and he's trying to trick her into marrying him. He's the devil.

Whitney's going away party attracts Lauren, Lo, Audrina, Broday and Whitney's mom and dad, who are even whiter than Whitney. After a nice speech by Whit's dad, everyone gets all teary-eyed. Whit's leaving and they're all super sad because they've forgotten momentarily about hew new MTV spinoff, The City!

Back in Cabo, Spencer keeps trying to convince Heidi to marry him. Let me give you a few tidbits of his proposal: "madly obsessed with you" "I haven't left your side in two and a half years" "I pretty much keep you from the whole world." Soooo...wanna get married or somethin? Heidi says yes because she's brainwashed and they start to makeout and it's disgusting. Spencer interrupts by saying, "Save some for the honeymoon, yo!" and Heidi responds by saying, "I'll show you what a wife does." Did anyone manager to NOT throw up after reading that? Me neither. They are the WORST.

Lauren and Whitney go out for lunch and recount the memories, which leads to Lauren getting a good cry out. It's a touching moment, except for the fact that Whitney is stone faced! No tears at all. Lauren's really letting go and all Whitney can say is, "I'm really touched that we made it this far." Really? I don't think you are. Because if you were, you'd be CRYING. She's gonna take New York by storm!

Since the news broke that Speidi got married, there has been evidence that it wasn't as shocking as the show - and Speidi - would have us believe. Apparently you need all kinds of different licenses and IDs and birth certificates and basically, they orchestrated the entire thing. Now, the morning after - Heidi admits that the Patron might have helped Spencer accomplish his marriage mission. They watch the video of them after the ceremony and the whole time Heidi keeps saying, "I can't believe we did this." Not in an exciting way, either. It sounds more like regret. Especially when she imagines telling her mom. Yep, that's regret alright!

Whit's getting ready to board her plane for NYC! She has one suitcase and a carry-on bag. I pack more for a 4-day trip than she does when moving her entire life to a new city. I guess she's really starting over up there. Are you guys gonna watch her new show?

Next time on the SEASON FINALE! Heidi's mom comes down to try and talk some sense into Heidi (good luck, I've been trying to do it for years via this blog with no luck); Justin maybe proposes to Audrina (probably not) and Lauren and Heidi have a confrontation that is less violent than those in episodes past. Oh, and Spencer acts like a d-bag to Heidi's mom - surprise! Thank jeebus this season is finally ending!

"Guess who's on the phone!" Satan.

2008-12-08T20:19:00.000-08:00

This week we get to watch Whitney reach for the stars! Kelly Cutrone has set up an interview for her at Diane von Furstenberg to do in-house PR. Kelly must get some kind of sweet commission or something because why would she want to get rid of Whit? The job is in NYC - the same place where her music man boyfriend resides - which means Whitney would be relocating. Wouldn't it be a great idea for MTV to do like a spin-off show following Whitney around? They should look into that...and give me some sort of "finder's fee." Thanks, MTV! Love ya!

Lauren and Audrina decide to remain friends for the good of the networ--I mean, uh, friendship. Yep, and so they are hanging out, it's not awkward at all! Lauren brings up Justin Bobby and wonders if Audrina still "wants that." Audrina responds that she still "wants it" and I vomit in my mouth a little bit. Lauren also tells Audrina that her parents are moving from their Laguna Beach home so she and Lo are gonna go and pack up her old room. Seriously? This is episode-worthy material here? I can't wait to watch Lauren and Lo look through old yearbooks and pretend that their high school days were just like everyone elses.

She-Pratt meets up with Cheester Cheetah (the beard is outta control) and he tells her to dump Cameron. His logic? They've broken up like 4 or 5 times. He has the nerve to say to her, "Do you know how immature this relationship sounds from an outside perspective?" Yeeeah, because she's gonna take relationship advice from a guy who got his girlfriend fired, alienated all his girlfriend's friends and family and generally has no concept of how to be a good human being. Riiiight.

Over at People's Revolution Whit tells Lauren about her DvF interview. Of course Lauren's sad, but she knows that this is the big time for Whitney.

I've seen the DvF offices before on Project Runway, and they are massive and very simplistic with large sculptural pieces and a ginormous staircase. Whitney has to walk up the staircase and I had a Good Morning America flashback for a second, but she handled it. In heels no less! She nails with interview with her future boss who looks like a sassy minx! She's gonna be trouble!

She-Pratt breaks up with Cameron. That's it. Whatever. It's time for me to admit that I watch The Hills on MTV.com. Way less commercials and I can write the recap as I watch. It's really raw that way, you know? Totally in-the-moment blogging. But, I'm telling you this because there are comments on MTV.com below the video of the episode and they are usually stupid, but this one hit the nail on the head. Observe:

"NOBODY CARES WHAT HAPPENS WITH STEPHANIE PRATTS LIFE....... SHE IS FAKE..... CUT THAT WHOLE SEGMENT OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Can someone get that person a blog?

Lauren and Lo take a trip down memory lane by reading Lauren's old diary and her will. Not kidding. She requested to be buried in her homecoming dress with her crown. Awesome.

In NYC, music man meets up with Whitney after her interview and they are the cutest couple ever. He better not be a jerk face. Those musician types are tricky! I might have to watch The City just to see Whitney and Jay (music man) interact. Finally some reality in this damn show. Their love isn't jaded yet like all of Lauren's relationships. How refreshing.

Next time: Whit gets a job! She moves away and Lauren loses yet another friend. Maybe losing isn't the right word, but whatever. And it looks as if we get to witness the Speidi nuptials! I AM GAGGING.

Is it just me or is she about to laugh?

2008-12-01T19:39:00.000-08:00

Looks like we have to watch more of this Lauren/Audrina feud in tonight's episode. I really need to know how long these arguments go on in real life because I'm barely two episodes and I'm already about to die. Imagine if you had to live it! *Shudder*

Over at Epic Records, Audrina and Bangs are trying to deconstruct the situation. Here's a question for ya: why doesn't Bangs wear makeup when she knows she's gonna be on national television? I mean, it's one thing to act like you don't know who Spencer is when he waltzes into Bolthouse and asks to see Heidi. It's a much dumber thing to BE ON THE SHOW and pretend like you don't know about the show. I don't buy it, Bangs! Now put on some concealer so I can try and concentrate on what Audrina is saying instead of getting lost in your under-eye circles. As it is, I have no idea what was said in their convo. Probably something about Justin Bobby letting truth and time tell all.

Hey, it's Broday! Pool party at Lauren's! Guess what he wants to talk about?! Here we go again. Maybe he has some interesting Broday-isms to share. Let's see, we've got "You don't want someone like that (Audrina) in your life" and "It's a win-win" referring to how Audrina not being friends with Lauren is going to be all kinds of good! Thanks, Broday!

Over at Audrina's place, Horseface McTats is chillin' with Audrina and I bet you a hundred dollars I know what they want to talk about!! At least we're finally getting somewhere: she suggests that Audrina apologize to Lauren so that they can be friends again. JBob might be a lost cause, but since Audrina finally believes that the rumor is not true, then she might as well apologize for acting like a crazy lady.

Remember the last post when I said that I would only write one sentence about Speidi in every post? Here it is: They took She-Pratt over to visit Nana Pratt (who is awesome, as all grandma's are) and Spencer totally acted like a major jerk and kept talking about how he and Heidi see Nana all the time and are such good kids. Barf.

Lauren and Whitney pretend to work while gossiping about Whitney's music man (they still talk on the phone!) and then about - what else - the Audrina thing. Looks like Audrina is going to take Horsey's advice and apologize!

Nana Pratt and She-Pratt go out for a one-on-one talk and start talking smack about Spencer. She-Pratt asks why Spencer is her favorite grandchild and suggests that if Nana looked closer at Spencer then maybe he wouldn't be her favorite. Is it me, or is it weird that Nana is totally cool with She-Pratt saying that Spencer is her "favorite" grandchild? Isn't there an unwritten law that says all grandchildren are loved the same? And thou shalt never speak otherwise? Pretty sure it's a law. Anyway, not that She-Pratt's so awesome, but Spencer shouldn't be anyone's favorite anything. Period.

Get out your Kleenex, it's time for the big apology. Cue the sappy music. OK, so Lauren tells Audrina that she can't believe she didn't trust her enough not to believe the rumor and Audrina goes on about how she (Audrina) doesn't trust anyone. Then she says that she thinks she would be happier if she didn't have JBob in her life because she has been so torn up inside lately. Lauren tells her that she only wants her to be happy and hopes that she can learn to trust people. It's hard to tell if Lauren totally forgives her, but they do walk out together and make plans to hang out next week, but Lauren still makes a sad face and leaves without much fanfare. It looks as if Audrina thinks they made up though, she's all huge toothy smiles! That apology was lame though, Lauren didn't even cry and although Audrina did cry, she invested in waterproof mascara so it's not an ugly cry. Worthless. Just like this whole episode.

Next time: She-Pratt gets back together with her boyfriend...maybe. And Whitney goes to interview at Diane Von Furstenberg! The finale could be any week now, since we all now know what happens after that interview! I hope that means no more Audrina/Lauren drama.

Happy Thanksgiving

2008-11-26T17:57:00.000-08:00

Brant and I are hosting our first Thanksgiving tomorrow and I'm pretty pleased with my table. It's simple, but then again, that's what I like about it. Happy Thanksgiving to everyone!!!

I don't believe this

2008-11-24T19:39:00.000-08:00

First off, it has to be said: I hope Heidi and Spencer are happy living the rest of their married lives together. Away from me. In a far away distant land with no paparazzi and fake photo ops. You know, just whatever. I don't even care about them. I hereby announce that for this post - and all future posts - that I will only devote one sentence to Speidi. So, let's begin!

A few months back the "scandalous" news of a Lauren and JBob hookup hit the gossip rags and it took everyone about half a second to realize that it was false. Why? Because we have eyes/noses and can see/smell why Lauren would never EVER want to hookup with JBob. He's disgusting. I mean, sure, he's made some changes. He's living a zen lifestyle and he's sober (maybe) and I think he's up to showering like 2 times a week, but still. It's just not happening. Too bad it took Audrina all episode and two ruined friendships to figure that out.

Not only did she ask Lauren and JBob repeatedly if they hooked up, but she didn't believe them when they told her no. Apparently a friend of Audrina's (Dino) told her that it happened, but it has been speculated that Audrina started the rumor herself to get more press. That would explain why she milked this rumor thing for the whole episode even when both parties involved vehemently denied the allegations. Uh, check that last sentence out. I could basically be a lawyer. I object!

In order to build her case (legal term), Audrina texted around a million people and told them the news. Such character witnesses as Broday, Frankie and She-Pratt! Oh yeah, that lineup will add credibility to your case. Overruled!

In addition to accusing both JBob and Lauren via phone calls and text messages, she also pays each one a face-to-face visit. Lauren's visit doesn't go well. Audrina's tone is very accusatory and she doesn't appreciate it. Then Lauren becomes a hostile witness (legal term) and Audrina storms out. OK, let's take a 30 minute recess. Geez, this lawyer stuff is hard.

Heidi has to work in a cubicle now! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

Audrina's visit with JBob comes after she's sent him around 50 voicemails and texts and he finally meets up with her at a bar and agrees to plead his case. And we get to hear some evidence of her previous voicemails and it seems as if Audrina got a little mean on the phone. He's hurt by how she spoke to him. Obviously she was upset by the news, but what ever happened to innocent until proven guilty, Audrina? Did you even go to law school?!

So, now it seems that Audrina has lost both her best friend and her boyfriend. How will she get them back? She seems to feel that a meeting at a nightclub with Lauren could be the next step. And it might have worked...if she didn't ask Lauren AGAIN if the rumor was true or not!! Seriously. OK, and here is where things get messy. Lauren tells Audrina that she would never hook up with JBob because she thinks he is disgusting. I think her exact words were, "I would rather kill myself than hook up with him." Yikes. I was afraid that would happen. Clearly, Audrina is living in some kind of screwed up world where people like JBob are physically attractive to her, but I was not sure how she would respond to the news that others are repulsed by his presence. And now we find out, and it's not good. She gets defensive and lashes out at Lauren and tries to blame this whole thing on her. That's when Lauren says that Audrina is "way worse than Heidi." Ouch! Order in the court!

The way things are left after this episode makes me wonder how much more we'll be seeing of ol' Audrina. Oh well, good luck on the bar exam...you're gonna need it!

Next time: Nana Pratt visits! Maybe she can talk some sense into stupid Spencer. And Audrina attempts to rebuild her friendship with Lauren...again.

So I guess Heidi and LC aren't going to be friends again...

2008-11-24T14:33:00.001-08:00

In the words of Julie Mannon, "I guess Hell froze over."

http://www.people.com/people/article/0,,20242463,00.html

The worst person in the world. Easy.

2008-11-17T20:56:00.000-08:00

Tonight's episode opens with Lauren asking Whitney about her music man friend and Whitney says they have been in touch and, oh wait...that's right, this show is about Lauren and she interrupts her immediately and blurts out that Holly is staying with her since Heidi kicked her out. Phew! Cuz I was almost confused about whether I was watching The Hills or The City. Thanks for clarifying, LC. Anyway, Holly's staying with Lauren and I'm sure that Speidi are going to be mad. Let the drama ensue.

Audrina and JBob venture to his world, Venice Beach (aka land of the freaks). They plan a vaca to Mexico and sit on the beach. JBob gets very zen like and makes it an excuse for why he doesn't like to stay at Audrina's place.

Over at Speidi's house Spencer finds Heidi going through her ridonkulous wardrobe. She is trying to stay busy and since Spencer spends all day playing arcade games, he's unaware of the concept. They start to argue about how Spencer got Heidi fired and how "that wasn't the only thing he did." Heidi apparently doesn't know where Holly is? Really? Like she seriously kicked her out and that was it? Yikes. And Spencer makes some dumb comment about how he is so sad that he doesn't get to see Holly anymore. And see, that is the thing: how can she be with someone like that? I don't care who you are (Heidi or not), if someone says something like that about someone that you care about - friends, family, whatever - then that's it. You're done. Why even bother dealing with someone like that? In the oh-so-wise words of Mr. Brent Bolthouse, "You are the company you keep, Heidi." Think about it!

Party time with Lauren and Audrina! That was lame city. They just sat at the bar and didn't talk about anything interesting. Losers.

Horse-face sister is over at Audrina's place, which is already fully decorated. Horsey starts to question whether or not JBob is a good guy for only seeing Audrina when it's convenient for him. Hey listen, long-face, you have been on this show for like 3 minutes, so I don't really understand how you think you can skip past the blank stare phase of your contract and move right into the asking scripted questions portion. You aren't getting any more money, if that's what you're after. The economy just can't handle it right now.

Time for Heidi to beg for her job back! After some pretty mediocre grovelling Sam agrees to give her a temporary position because they are opening a new hotel. I don't know what she'll be doing exactly and they don't get into it because Sam basically pushes her out the door. Oh, but he does say that Spencer isn't welcome at any of his hotels or clubs or even streets that he's walking on. The kid sucks and Sam knows it and now he's blacklisted - booyah! So, I give it, what, maybe three episodes before Spencer screws it up for Heidi again? Actually, how many episodes until the finale? Yeah, I think that's about right.

The computer lab at FIDM is so futuristic! The computers sit on little floating tables perched on plastic beach chairs!

Over at the girls' place, Holly, Lauren and Lo dish about the terrible situation that Spencer has caused between Holly and Heidi. Lauren sticks up for Heidi because she knows first-hand that he's the one pulling the strings. Remember when Heidi thought that she and Lauren were possibly going to be friends again? Guess again, honey, Spencer would probably kill you first. Are they still selling those "I blame Spencer" t-shirts at gofugyourself?

Spencer is a tool. Direct quote, "To be honest, I'm really glad that you got your job back because now you won't be mopin' around here anymore." He is the worst person in the world. For once, Heidi actually seems annoyed at something he said, but she doesn't do anything about it. Grow a pair, Heidi!!!! She-Pratt arrives to break the news that Holly is crashing with Lauren and here comes the drama. I can't even bring myself to type the nonsense that spills out of Spencer's mouth, but just know that he's an idiot and tries to blame Heidi's Mom, Lauren, Holly AND Heidi before acknowledging that he could possibly be the problem. And when Heidi yells, "Maybe you're the problem!" it is sweet vindication. Finally, she said it. Finally!

Audrina and JBob head to dinner and afterward he pretends to find a mysterious present for Audrina under the table...and I will admit that it's kind of adorable. I know, I hate myself for thinking that. He gets her a t-shirt that she liked (went back and got it after they were at a shop together, which is even more adorable) and she's thrilled about it. He admits he can be good when he wants to be. Oh, JBob, you lovable rogue! Look at that smile!

That's it. The episode's over. Pretty lame. I guess some stuff happened, but it wasn't all that great. Next week: Audrina hears that Lauren hooks up with JBob! I remember hearing about this a while back and thinking, "There's no way in hell that's true!" But looks like Audrina may believe the rumors. And it looks like they get in a pretty nasty fight. Finally, some good drama! They don't pay me to recap crappy episodes like this! Ummm...yeah, they don't pay me at all, actually, so whatever.

What is up with your face?

2008-11-10T20:15:00.000-08:00

This episode is titled, "Back to New York," and it's mostly about Whitney so maybe it will be semi-interesting.

We start off at People's Revolution - Kelly Cutrone has requested that Lauren and Whit head to NYC to help with a busy fashion show. The girls are pumped and Whitney admits that her and that model dude from NYC have texted a little bit since she met him. Ohhh, how romantical!

This reminds me to ask if anyone is going to watch Whitney's new spin off, "The City," when it starts? I love Whit, but it looks boring. Not like this crap is so riveting, though. But I think that someone else needs to do recaps. Who's up for it?!

Anywhoodle, the girls arrive in NYC where Kelly is bitching everyone up and immediately she asks them, "Where's your black?" As in, if you aren't wearing black clothes, you are fired. But not really...I'm sure it was just a warning. They are working a men's fashion week runway show tonight and Whit's "boy" is in it!

Oh god, this next scene is so uncomfortable I can barely bring myself to type about it. I'll make it brief, as in the only thing the models were wearing while the girls tried not to to giggle right in their faces! So awkward! Lauren crushes on some dude from TX who is really cute, although kinda odd. And Whit runs into her "boy" and watches him strip down. Uh, yeah, like I said, AWKWARD!

Back in LA, jobless Heidi pouts while applying a pound of makeup and Spencer is all, Why are you upset? Being unemployed is working out great for me! And Heidi is not amused at all by his comments. She is clearly really annoyed with herself and Spencer for letting things happen that night the way they did. And let this be a lesson to you all, idiocy is no way to get ahead in life.

Catwalk time! Ewww, weird...the boys look all gross with some weird bronzer applied to their cheekbones to make them look tan? stupid? either one, really. The TX model invites the girls to a party after the show. The girls seem excited, and Whit's "boy" looks very stalker-y. He'll probably go with them and lurch in the background or something.

At the party Whit is enthralled with the musician who's on stage, and it turns out that he's TX model's BFF and roommie! Ah-ha! A little double date action, perhaps? Ah, no...it would seem that TX model has a girlfriend, and so all his flirting was apparently just for show. That's stupid. But Whit could care less because she can't even blink long enough to stop staring at this guy on stage. Uh oh, "boy" has arrived! He's trying to get Whit to pay attention to him, but she blows him off because she is clearly way more interested in the music man. When music man is done with his show, he heads down to where his friends are and meets the Whit and Lauren and they act like school girls with huge crushes and stare at him with mouths agape like they've never seen someone so hot. I mean, he's cute, but a little too grungy for my taste.

Over in LA, Speidi go out to "celebrate" Heidi's first night off in forever and they run into Brent Bolthouse! What a coincidence! This stuff almost never happens in real life, but it always works out for MTV! They are so lucky! Spencer acts like he has to use the restroom so that he can go over and talk to Brent. He tries to apologize (legitimately) and BB is like, "Uh, I don't think we should be having this conversation. I don't even know you. It's making me a little uncomfortable." What?! Geez, Brent is a total wimp. I think he almost called his bodyguard on SPENCER PRATT. Wow. Anyway, I don't think Spencer did Heidi any favors with his little apology. And now they're banned from all SBE events. Whoops!

OMG. Whitney and the music man are totally hitting it off! She bought him a shot (!) and they are flirting and he invites her out afterward. Oh, Whitney, you tramp! Just kidding, she's being pretty silly about it. She goes over to Lauren and pretty much recreates the entire conversation that they just had and Lauren is the one encouraging her to be forward with him. "Boy" is visibly annoyed.

Well, well, well...back in LA Heidi decides it's her turn to make Brent feel uncomfortable and this time it's Brent who does all the talking. He lectures her about how "you are the company you keep" and how Spencer "is bad news" and says all the things that we wish everyone else on this damn TV show would yell in Heidi's face! And it doesn't seem to register with her. Surprise. Then she grovels for a job at Bolthouse, but he's not feelin' it so much. Shocker.

In NYC (the club they're at is called Il Bastardo), Whitney and the music man (did I mention he's Australian? Accents!!) are really hitting it off. "Boy" comes over and asks that Whit come over and talk to him for a minute and she says OK and then ends up leaving right away with the music man! Holy crap! Whit is taking the train to STD city!! Where's Lauren, btw? Whit just left her there! Yikes. And one of "boy's" friends has to explain to him that he just got served. He didn't even realize - or want to admit it - and that makes him even more lame. Looks like Whit has already burned bridges in The City! Way to go!

Next time: Holly moves in with Lauren, Heidi comes crawling back to Bolthouse begging for a job back, Speidi fight over their increasingly back familiar relationships and J.Bob's toothbrush moves into Audrina's fancy new bathroom. Ooohhh!

"A man so great he needed two names"

2008-11-03T20:09:00.000-08:00

Cursed Lauren gets the news that Audrina is moving out! At the end of the week! Geez, that was fast. Lauren looks a little dejected and I can't blame her. She's 0 for 2 as far as roommies are concerned. And no, Lo doesn't count.

Stupid Heidi is doing some work thing. Looks like a big deal grand opening and she decides that adding Spencer, She-Pratt and Audrina to the guest list would be a good idea. This is why Heidi will never be more than an intern or whatever she is at Bolthouse. Not only did she NOT SHOW UP to the last big meeting with the owner, but now she's inviting her stupid boyfriend. I hope she really does get fired.

Whitney and Lauren talk about Audrina moving out for about 20 seconds. That scene was pointless.

Audrina goes out to dinner with J.Bob and basically asks him to move in with her in her new house. His response? "Hmmm...let it just happen and see what happens." And let's let truth and time tell all, Audrina. Don't fight it. In his defense, didn't they just become "official" last week?

We get the first look at Audrina's new house with her tatted-up sister Casey. Casey is a bit of a horse-face and she's rockin' some bright pink lipstick. Not the best. We really don't get to see any room in Audrina's new place except the kitchen, which is really nice. Way too nice for someone who will probably never cook in it. Jerk. But anyway, Audrina says that she wants to decorate "all romantic" with white curtains and candles. Um, that's a fire hazard. And J.Bob with his leather jackets and denim vests is going to look sorely out of place there. But it's her big plan to woo him again. Shhh, don't tell her that it probably won't work.

Lauren and Lo reminisce on the "good times" they had living with Audrina. The best they can come up with is giving Justin Bobby two names. Well, that was pretty special. Way to make time for those memories, ladies.

Over at the big Bolthouse shindig, Heidi assumes that her "work" at the event is over and decides to get a drink. Then Spencer, She-Pratt, Audrina, horse-face and J.Bob show up. They decide to toast the fact that Audrina is moving out as if Lauren is so terrible. Whatever. Heidi's had "three tequilas" and she's wasted. Then the head Bolthouse guy, Sam, comes over and asks if they're still working. BUSTED! Heidi is slurring her speech a little and trying to pretend like she's all serious worker-lady, but the man isn't an idiot. Too bad that Heidi took work friend down with her, though. Let that be a lesson to anyone who wants to be friends with Heidi. She will get you fired.

Oh yes, here comes the good stuff! OK, so first of all, Brent Bolthouse asks Kimberly (aka work friend) to come into his office and he asks if she was drinking last night. She says no, that she never would, out of respect to him. LAME! He's buys it, but then asks if Heidi was drinking and work friend doesn't say yes, but she doesn't say no. She's not going to sell out her friend (kinda). So, Brent asks to see Heidi and she admits to drinking and he's upset by that, but even more so that Spencer was there, because he thinks Spencer's a bad influence on her. And after telling her that he's had her back on several occasions, he says that he's disappointed in her and then he says, "I'm firing you." Oh man, how lame of a firing is that?! Can't you be a man and say "You're fired," Brent (P.S. nice hat)? Heidi takes it like a champ, doesn't cry, gets her bag and leaves. And scene. I can't wait until she breaks the news to Spencer!

It's finally moving day for Audrina! She and Lauren catch up while packing boxes. It's a tender moment. The girls get a little choked up when the moving van pulls away. But this time there's no evil boyfriend masterminding the entire situation, so I'm sure it will be fine. They'll stay friends. Or whatever. Who cares.

I didn't see a preview for next week's episode. How far into the season is it? It feels like this one's been on for 10 years already.

Is that a glittery bike helmut?

2008-10-27T20:33:00.001-07:00

Oh hey, it's another week of Audrina's Love Life! Last time I checked, Audrina didn't have her own spin-off...yet. What could it be called...hmmmm. Maybe "The Are You Seriously Tuning In For This Trash?" Ok, ok, I might watch. I'm so pathetic. On to the recap!

Lauren and She-Pratt head to the LA version of NYC's Mood fabrics to "work on a school project" or something that the producers concocted. They're there for about 5 seconds before She-Pratt starts yelling at Lauren that she has a boyfriend. I think she just likes saying "I have a boyfriend" because this dude that she's seeing - Cameron - was total dullsville and I can't think of a good reason why anyone would be excited over him? The girls plan to meet up later so Lauren can meet Cam. There's only one problem: Broday will be there! Dun, dun, DUHNNN!!

Lauren and Broday hang out at her place by the pool. They talk about how Broday needs to be nice to She-Pratt when they go out and he acts all macho and says that if Cam tries to "step to him" he's gonna "show him what's up." Ha, actually, those words are totally mine, but someone's gotta add some drama to this show! Oh, and then Lauren pushes Broday in the pool and I get a good laugh. Nice one, LC!

Whee! It's the Australian guy! I don't recall his name, so I'll call him Aussie. Aussie and Audrina go out to dinner and he starts grilling her about the Cabo trip. See, I like this guy already because he doesn't mess around with casual conversation and compliments. Straight to business! Audrina tells him the truth, that it was a "guys weekend" and that she and Lauren shared a room but he doesn't buy it. I don't blame him, but since she's actually telling the truth it kinda sucks.

Time for the showdown at Crown Bar! Things get awkward pretty much immediately. Cam acts all tough before Broday shows up and after Lauren and Lo arrive (Lo with some prepster!) he claims that he wants to tell Broday that he "hates" him, but when Broday shows up he's like a puppy with a tail between his legs. All talk and no action, eh?!

What the eff is Brandy doing on The Hills?! Yes, R&B singer from 10 years ago, that Brandy, is at a recording studio and Audrina and Bangs are there to...help? Stare? Uh...make Brandy look better by comparison? Who knows, but Brandy is sinking to new lows by using The Hills to promote her new album. I expected better from you, B, I really did.

Justin shows up at Epic to talk to Audrina. He's decked out in a white flannel shirt, beanie cap and sleeveless denim vest. Let that image sink in before you read what's about to happen next. Got a good mental picture (see above)? Great, because apparently it really worked for Audrina since she fell for it and is gonna take him back. Maybe the line that did it was, "I'll pretty much always be there for you." Awww...wait, what? So close, J.Bob, almost had it. Almost. He comes through in the end with, "I want you to be with me," which is loads better than the other line, but still sounds a little bossy if you ask me.

Uggh! More Audrina! She and Bangs dissect the J.Bob situation and Bangs gives her some tough love. I can appreciate her honesty. It's better than when Lauren talks to Audrina and pretends to give her advice, but winds up just agreeing with everything Audrina says. Anyway, Audrina now has the tough job of telling Aussie that even though he's cute and nice and respectful and showers regularly and wears normal clothes and has a sweet accent, she's going with J.Bob. Good luck.

Wow, 15 minutes into the episode and we're only just now getting a glimpse of Speidi. And since the show is really only 20 minutes long after commercials and only 18 minutes long when you factor in staring time, that's pretty pathetic. Sorry, Speidi! They have lunch with She-Pratt and it's the most boring two minutes of the episode so I refuse to recap it.

Alright, listen, if that floozy Audrina really does get her own spinoff, I will be SO pissed! She just dumped a great guy for JUSTIN-BOBBY! She is a LOSER. If anyone is getting their own reality show, it should be Aussie guy! Can't MTV just do a "Bachelor" type spinoff and try and find him a date? Not that he needs the help, but this is definitely sadder than anything else I've seen on The Hills. Audrina is dead to me.

Next week: Audrina moves out to get a place with J.Bob, Lauren watches another girl drive away with her boyfriend, and Heidi gets fired?! Maybe. It was hard to tell what Brent "Mumbles" Bolthouse said, but I think that's it. Oh, and I'll be referring to Audrina as "The Idiot."

The Hills: The Lost Scenes

2008-10-25T08:07:00.001-07:00

Do you guys remember when watching The Hills wasn't the mind-numbingly painful experience it is today? Back in the first season when they weren't famous and actually had real conversations? Well, watching The Hills: The Lost Scenes is like a trip down memory lane! It's an hour of Lauren and the gang actually talking - not staring - about all kinds of stupid things that normal people talk about. I have to imaging that when we see an episode of The Hills and it's close to 10% stare-face action, that we're missing some great dialogue between Lauren and Audrina or even Speidi. Why is it being cut? This is reality show gold! If given the choice of watching an episode of The Hills or watching all the footage from the cutting room floor of that episode? Easy - cutting room floor. Without a doubt, that stuff is way more entertaining than the "drama" that they manufacture on the show these days.

Watch it!

Saddle up, Y'all!

2008-10-25T08:04:00.000-07:00

I can hardly stop laughing long enough to challenge you to come up with a better headline!

Are you kidding me with this?

2008-10-20T20:18:00.000-07:00

Cabo! On Doug's private jet no less. They all suck. Doug's wearing a v-neck tank top and looks like an idiot...there, that's basically enough to set the scene. Oh, and Justin and Audrina are both in Cabo which might lead to some awkwardness!

Mmmm, the beach. I need a vacation. These jerks are acting like they've never been to the beach before. Audrina and Lauren are frolicking out in the sand. Uh, you live in LA! Can't you take a scooter to the beach every day? Whatever. The boys are gossiping about Audrina's boyfriend, Cory, in the hot tub. Frankie is a total blabbermouth. Pretty sure he wasn't supposed to mention the word "boyfriend" to J.Bob. Great, there goes the weekend!

Back in the real world (ha!) Heidi and She-Pratt go shopping. S-P is wearing knee high BLACK socks and Chuck Taylor's. Taking fashion advice from Heidi, it seems. She starts bragging about how she has a new boyfriend and that none of her other friends are in town. So Heidi invites them over for a double date! Perfect!

Cabo: Audrina and Justin sit next to each other at dinner and it's a little weird. They aren't together, but they're sort of there together, and anyway, Justin is probably going to hook up with someone else. In bromance news, Frankie makes a birthday toast to Broday and he almost cries. Then they all do shots. Ugh. OK, and I have TWO tank top sightings. Not cool Doug and Broday. I think that's all Doug wears (see photo above).

Doug's present to Broday is less femme - a hoarde of single girls. They parade down to the dinner table and then off to the beach. Then Lauren and Audrina (who had previously been the only 2 girls) act like they're superior and try and sort out the J.Bob dilemma. Uh, he's a loser? Cased closed. Now I really deserve a shot.

In what is obviously the best montage MTV has ever made, the pool party begins and drunken co-eds begin to party down! Happy birthday, Broday, you jackass.

Time for the double date. She-Pratt and Cameron are 30+ minutes late, but at least they aren't at Don Antionio's. Spencer is evil, as always. He brings up Doug! But Cameron takes it all in stride, I guess. Apparently though, Cameron knew Broday way back when and Spencer's none too pleased about this!

In a total junior high move, J.Bob steals a flower scrunchie that Cory had given to Audrina and won't give it back. But I'm pretty sure that Audrina shot it over to him, so she deserves what she gets. And the antics continue the next morning when they have another confrontation about how Audrina ditched J.Bob for Cory. He still won't give her the flower back and she's pouting. I can't believe I just typed that. This is the sh*ttiest episode ever. I mean, did you see the jean cut-offs!?

She-Pratt and Spencer have words over his crappy behavior at the date last night. Get this, S-P went and found him where he was working out! Oh man, what a set up that was! He was wearing a shirt without an ounce of sweat on it and all we see is him running down some stairs. It's like, "Cue Spencer, down stairs, and ACTION!" He really shows his acting chops when he stretches during the conversation. Nice. Really convincing portrayal.

Over at Cabo Jr. High, Guidance Counselor Lauren is talking to Audrina about letting Justin go. Wise words, from Ms. I Have No Luck With Men.

Next time: I can hardly bring myself to type the words... Audrina. Goes back. To Justin. Shoot me now.

WTH?

2008-10-14T19:15:00.000-07:00

Julie had a great idea regarding this picture...she said we should see who can come up with the best headline....I'd start, but I'm still at a loss for words. This outfit is just plain awful.

"Judged!"

2008-10-13T20:20:00.000-07:00

This week we delve into the love life of Audrina. I can hardly contain my excitement. Supposedly she's dating some new Australian guy named Cory. And yet she still talks about Justin Bobby as if he is the Gold Standard of boyfriends. Nutzo!

Spencer decides to break the Cone of Silence with She-Pratt and call her up for an emergency bitch session. Sadly, I don't think She-Pratt even cares that he's using her to have someone listen to his problems. That's sad on several levels, least of which is that she actually accepts his offer just to spend time with him. I'll never understand those Pratts. Thank god.

Over at People's Revolution the girls dish about Audrina's love life while holding clipboards. It's very professional. They are both on Team Cory and J.Bob is gonna lose his sh*t when he watches this ep! I wonder if any of the "cast members" of The Hills actually watch the show? Except for Speidi. I'm sure they Tivo it and own all the DVDs (post-surgery, of course).

Hehehe...Australian's talk funny. Audrina's date with Cory goes well, they talk about their relationship status' and some other crap. Who knows what he's saying, but it must have been the right things because the next thing we know it's morning and Cory and Audrina exit the Guest House to grab some cereal in the Big Girl House. Lauren enters the kitchen and does a quick double take, but she obviously approves of Cory so she invites him not only to Malibu (where they're heading that afternoon) but also to Cabo (where they're heading in a couple of weeks for Broday's birthday). Geez! Slow down, Lauren! She probably just wants him to go so she can listen to him talk about the weather. "It's summah tyhme." Oooh, dreamy.

Spencer tries to convince Heidi that Holly should move out. He puts down an ultimatum: either she moves out or he does. Oh, snap!

Whitney and Carmen Sandiego sit around the pool talking about how awesome Cory is and then Frankie and Doug have to come up and ruin it by saying that they're going to invite J.Bob to hang out. The really interesting thing is that Frankie says, "He's our boy and we hang out with him like every day." Uh, what? Wait, Justin Bobby? No...It can't be...Really? I am shocked. They NEVER show the guys hanging out together. Of course, if they'd only air Bromance already I'm sure I'd get an idea of what that's like. Anyway, turns out that Frankie and the gang invited J.Bob to Cabo so Audrina's gonna have to figure out how to juggle two guys!

Heidi confronts Holly about the living situation. Holly seems upset that Spencer is making Heidi choose between both of them, but I imagine that she'll cave and move out. Trouble is, she doesn't have a job and so that means the only place she can afford to live is...oh right, nowhere. Maybe she'll move in with Lauren?

Oh no. Justin Bobby is baaack. Complete with leather jacket at the pool. I tell ya he's one in a million. He tells Audrina that if she ditches her top he'll get in the pool. She does it. Because she has low self-esteem. And he comes through on his promise and goes into the pool COMPLETELY NAKED. I bet MTV wasn't expecting anyone like him when they started filming The Hills! She lets down her guard for a split second and tells him that she is excited for Cabo and he says something like, "When we go to Cabo I'm gonna get in trouble." AKA, "I will probably hook up with someone else!" Audrina should bring Cory and shove it in J.Bob's face! Audrina and J.Bob status is still unknown.

Someone needs to scrub down the pool!

Next time: Cabo!

PS. The title of this week's post is a direct quote from Eric after he saw me writing this recap. Not only was it a commentary on how he feels about me writing a blog post about The Hills, but I also thought it was fitting for an episode about Audrina's love life. Ha, burn!

What I'm Enjoying

2008-10-09T07:46:00.000-07:00

A show about an incredibly perceptive guy who uses his hunches to help police solve crimes. I bet you think I'm just a little late catching up to the great show that is Psych, right? Well, give me some credit here. This blog was founded on the love of all things TV, so you can rest assured that I watch Psych. Anyway, there is a new show on CBS called The Mentalist and it's actually pretty entertaining. I'm loving Simon Baker as Patrick Jane, the former fake psychic who now uses his skills to catch criminals. It's fun and witty, but not quite as light-hearted as Psych. If you were thinking about adding a new show to your line-up this season, check it out.

By the way I'm only two episodes in, so if the show tanks I'm not taking responsibility for this post.

Bitter, Table for Two!

2008-10-06T20:08:00.001-07:00

In the aftermath of Momma Montag's cry-fest and rampage against Spencer, we find that Holly has decided to hang out with Lauren. Let Step Two in plan "Get Heidi Away from Spencer and Back with Lauren" begin!

Audrina and Bangs go get some coffee and dish about Audrina's date with some guy named Colin. NOT Justin-Bobby! That scene lasts about 15 seconds because this story-line is boorrrring.

Holly and Heidi head out for an alfresco coffee and Holly mentions that Lauren is really happy and maybe "misses her." Hmmm...maybe you aren't putting those two things together quite right? Heidi starts a sob story about how Lauren wasn't the only one hurt when their friendship ended and Holly suggests that maybe Lauren needs to be reminded of that with a heartfelt letter. Awwww...eehhhccchhhk. Pardon my gagging.

Date time with Audrina and Colin! They're talking about music and her job and it's really boring. And then they start to down some drinks and Colin admits that he's the "happiest drunk you'll ever meet" and Audrina's all, "well Justin always gets in fights when he drinks." Colin is unfazed and brings it back to his game and then tells her she has beautiful eyes. Smooth move. Better than anything J.Bob has ever said to her. Colin could have said, "uh, I like your...uh, cell phone" and Audrina probably would've thought he'd just proposed, she's so starved for romance.

Time for Holly and Lauren to reconnect at S Bar. I'll be honest, Holly seems pretty nice and she reminds me of Heidi before all the plastinization of the facial area. Lauren is genuinely laughing recounting their days when they lived in the same room. And then Lo goes and ruins the mood with a, "you remind me so much of Heidi!" Looks like Holly's gonna have to work extra hard to win back Lauren for Heidi!

Lauren and Whitney get to "work" at People's Revolution. And by that I mean read the letter from Heidi! OH SNAP! What?! She totally wrote Lauren and old-fashioned letter on personalized Heidiwood stationery (OK, I don't know for a fact, but it's probably true)! The letter says that she's sorry for everything she's said and that she takes responsibility and that she was hurt in the ordeal, too. So, will Lauren believe that she's sincere? Lauren thinks that Heidi must be feeling lonely now that Holly's back and hanging out with Lauren and that Heidi's trying to reconnect. But she also can't believe that Heidi won't just blame Spencer. Because at the heart of this entire conflict is the fact that Lauren is mad at Spencer, not Heidi. But Heidi has always defended Spencer and made it seem as if she was in cahoots with him.

Whoa! Second date with Audrina and Colin! The only part MTV airs is a discussion of whether or not Audrina and J.Bob are together or not. Wow, riveting. He's dunzo for sure.

Holly heads over to casa Lauren and they talk about the letter from Heidi. Lauren says that if Heidi just wants forgiveness, that she gave it to her a long time ago. It's not about that anymore. Then Lauren asks if Heidi has any good friends and Holly admits that Heidi only has her. Lauren seems pretty sympathetic, but then she says that it's not about her, and if it weren't for Spencer they could probably be friends again. Holly perks up at this information and repeats what Lauren says, as if getting an official verbal contract to send to Heidi like, "hey, dump his ass and she'll take you back!"

Lauren and Audrina have a heart-to-heart and Audrina breaks the news that she's dumping Colin for J.Bob, even though he hasn't done anything to make her want to keep him, other than still being in the back of her head. Lauren suggests that she tell J.Bob that she's been dating other guys and see what he says. Then Lauren fills Audrina in on the Heidi gossip and Lauren ponders what everyone would be doing if Heidi had never met Spencer. And by "met" I'm sure she means, "been bamboozled into thinking that he wanted to get to know her when in actuality he just wanted to get on TV." Yeah, I wonder...

Audrina heads out with J.Bob to tell him about the date she went on and he acts as if he could care less. He asks if Colin was "nice" and calls her "dude" like they're just drinkin' buddies. Then she calls him out for supposedly dating other women and then he starts talking about some ridiculous mess that reminds me of that time when he said "let's let truth and time tell all." He's a zen-master, I tell ya.

Time for Holly to start Step Three in plan "Get Heidi Away from Spencer and Back with Lauren." Step Three is simple. Lie. Through your teeth. Tell Heidi how much Lauren misses her and how much she wants them to be friends again. Huh, that's funny, I sure don't remember Lauren ever saying anything like that during their conversations. Weird. Anyway, Step Three is in full effect! Heidi admits that if Lauren were to come up to her and say that she would like to be friends again, that she'd probably say, "yeah, that's cool, whatever, call me later." When we all know that she'd run up and hug her and never let her go again because she misses her so much that it hurts!! And that's when Spencer saunters in, because he's obviously been listening in on their conversation (oh, he's the greatest guy, for reals) and asks Heidi, "WTF?" Holly tells Heidi that Spencer is the only thing standing in the way of her and Lauren being friends again and Spencer is thrilled with this news! As long as he is with Heidi, then there's no Lauren. I mean, it's like his lucky day. But Holly sees another challenge because if she can accomplish plan "Get Heidi Away from Spencer and Back with Lauren" then she'll be rid of that evil Chester Cheetah for good! Good luck brave warrior. Good luck!

Next time on The Hills...Audrina sluts it up and Heidi probably pouts about something. Is anyone else enjoying this season as much as I am?!

PS. I totally stole the title for this post from Kristin Chenoweth's bit at the Emmy Awards. I'll give credit where credit is due...I thought it was a great line!

17 Kids and Counting...

2008-10-06T16:30:00.000-07:00

Have either of you caught the newest reality show to hit the airways? It's called 17 Kids and Counting and it has got to be the WORST show on television. This show is on Monday nights following Jon and Kate plus 8 and follows a family of Arkansas, NWArkansas to be exact as they raise 17 children...oh and did I mention they are pregnant with #18? I'm sure you have all heard of them...they are the Duggar family.

Let me first say that I'm totally fine with people having as many children as they like. I'm just not interested in watching as they try to raise the 17 kids. I get it, TLC saw that they had a smash hit in Jon & Kate Plus 8 and thought, hmmm...if people like watching 8 kids, they'll LOVE watching 17. WRONG-O.

Here's the deal, I find J&KP8 appealing for the following reasons:

The kids are adorable because they are ages 4 and 7
Everyone loves cute sets of multiples
Jon and Kate were only trying for 3 kids total and ended up with 8 and we get to watch how they deal with this
Jon and Kate lead normal lives - Maddy and Cara go to regular school and the kids dress normal, I'd even venture to say trendy
The kids once fought over who was more Asian
The kids throw fits, hit each other and act up - just like every other kid in America

I find 17K&C not appealing for the following reasons:

Their kids range in age from around 1 year to 20
While I think they do have a set or two of multiples, they don't have 6 that are the same age
Every kid's name starts with a "J" - and that is annoying
The mother talks in the most annoying soft-spoken manor...it's like she's always whispering
The kids are perfectly behaved and rarely act out - and even if they do act out, they've got nothing on Maddy Gosling

There really are about 1,000 more reasons that I find that show annoying, but I'll leave you with this. I was on TLC's website and I read that the next episode of the Dugger show will focus on Dugger dating rules, two of which are: No kissing until your wedding day and no unchaperoned dates.

REALLY?! I've got an 8x10 of that.

New header

2008-10-06T07:40:00.000-07:00

As you can see, I put up a new header over the weekend. I also changed our tag line, because although it's true that we do have something to say about everything, we often don't get around to saying it on the blog. Oh well, no biggie. I think that the new tag line is more representative of what the blog has become. It was either that or "We hope you like The Hills!"

Oh no you didn't

2008-09-29T20:30:00.000-07:00

We start at the gym with Lauren and Whitney, working out with the personal trainer Whitney went out with last season. Awkward! Lauren's working the punching gloves with her trainer and Whit asks if she missed anything while she was gone in Italy. Oh geez, again with the She-Pratt/Doug business. Even the trainer has an opinion of the situation. And - surprise! - it's the same as everyone else's opinion: She-Pratt sucks. Even Spencer knew that it was shady.

Time for confrontation at FIDM: Lauren plays mute when She-Pratt prances over to ask how she's doing. Really, She-Pratt? You think that she still doesn't know? When Lauren calls her out with a blunt, "What are you doing?" She-Pratt has the balls to blame Doug 100% for "using [her] to get back at [Lauren]." She can't even look at Lauren while she lies. She swears that she won't call him back and deleted him from her phone. And THEN! She immediately asks, "Are you going to his party tomorrow?" She's officially the dumbest person ever. She not only just denied wanting to go out with Doug, she also lied about deleting him from her phone and ever calling him again and then? She wants to know if Lauren will be attending the party that he's throwing the next evening. Cuz don't worry, She-Pratt will totally be there. Wait, what? She was invited "weeks ago before [She-Pratt] was even friends with him." Riiiight. Lauren seems as confused as I am and yet she just stares ahead instead of slapping her upside the head like any normal person would have done. Lauren, I hope you read these posts and take notes. Stupid people deserve head slaps. And you're going to be dishing out plenty of 'em.

Oh god, that's not even the best part of the episode because Momma Montag (MM) is visiting!! Supposedly it's a surprise for Heidi's bday, but if that's Heidi's best acting then homegirl is hopeless. I don't even care because MM is the only person who will tell Spencer to shut the hell up. Can't wait! Uh-oh, time to break the news that Spencer has moved back in - yikes. MM is not pleased. It seems as if Holly spilled the beans earlier to MM, but that doesn't prevent a little tiff not 30 seconds after MM walks in the door. And Spencer is just sitting on the couch, smiling, acting as if this whole thing is Heidi's fault. He's the worst. MM and Spencer set a date for lunch to get to know each other. I have a feeling that MM is getting the raw end of that deal.

Well, look-ee, look-ee - who's out to dinner with Doug? It couldn't be She-Pratt. No, because she deleted him from her phone. You mean she was LYING?! What next, will you tell me that this entire show is staged? She-Doug scheme about ways to fool everyone into thinking that they're "just friends." Crazy kids. Crazy, delusional, kids.

Over at People's Revolution, the girls pretend to "style jeans" as they talk about She-Doug. Whit's coming to the party and Lauren guarantees that she'll "hate him." She's probably right.

This next scene is right outta Laguna Beach (first season!) when the boys would get together to play pick up basketball and during "half time" or whatever one of them would be all, "dude, who are you gonna ask to prom?" And the other dudes would be like, "uh, yeah, i dunno, maybe Lo." And they would have a good laugh about nothing really, but the obligatory "Boys Talk about Prom Scene" was filmed and they could move on to another "Girls Talk Sh*t about Each Other Behind Their Backs Scene." In other words, it was refreshingly scripted. So here we go:

The scene: Doug's house (back porch overlooking the Hollywood Hills)

The players: Doug and Broday and Doug's cell phone

The drama: Broday accuses Doug of shadiness with She-Pratt; Doug denies it, blames her; Broday asks if they're coming to the party; Doug says yes; Doug asks Broday not to make anyone cry. *Laughter*

And scene. Thanks, fellas.

Time for the MM/Spencer lunch date! I don't know if I can accurately explain how incredibly rude Spencer is to MM. He turns everything she says and flips it back onto her to make it seem like she's an idiot and he's the smartest person ever. MM says that she thinks he's "very controlling and manipulative" and he responds with, "oh, is that what you think, from Crested Butte?" Now, granted, CB ain't the hottest spot on the map, but I think CBees can still look at a peace of sh*t and know that it's a piece of sh*t. It's not that hard to figured out that Spencer's a jerk and thankfully MM has the stones to say it straight to his face! I LOVE her!

Time for the party at Doug's house! All the usual suspects: Broday, Frankie, Audrina, JBOB (!), Lo, Lauren, she-Pratt - *gasp!* Oh NO! Quote of the episode: Lauren (while looking at Broday, Doug and Frankie): "You know what's really gross? I've kissed two outta three of those...that's awful." Yes, yes it is. Whoa - Jenn Bunney sighting! Where has she been this year? Oh, that's right, I don't care.

Alright, I know there are some people who don't watch the episode and only read the recaps (Kari), but trust me, the scene when Whitney and Lauren are totally soaked by Doug's cannonball is something that you have to see for yourselves. Fast forward to 20 minutes into the episode. Seriously. It's awesome. Because afterwards when Doug is semi-apologizing to Whitney, she says, "That's OK, I don't even know you...and I don't want to." HAHA! Yes, take that DOUG!

Poor She-Pratt's all alone texting to fake numbers, when Broday wanders over to start something. He calls her out for trying to date Doug and she denies it. Blah, blah, blah. Whitney and Lauren watch from afar and Lauren's pretty much over it. She's not pissed, just ambivalent to the fact that She-Pratt is exactly what Broday said she was: CAH-RAZAY!

Mother/daughter bonding time turns into a bitch-fest about Spencer pretty quick at Heidi and MM's lunch. MM tells Heidi that Spencer was rude and sarcastic to her and Heidi shakes it off. MM is sad that they aren't close anymore and then MM breaks out the tears. Heidi is stone-faced. Not that she could move, given that her face is about 92% plastic, but still, that's cold!

Final scene: back at Doug's house. She-Pratt is pining away for Doug in his room while Doug, Broday, Frankie, Lauren and Lo talk about the She-Doug thing. Doug spends close to 5 minutes explaining that he felt sorry for She-Pratt and wanted to help her because she was a "lost little puppy" and the best part: She-Pratt can totally hear every word that they are saying. So, she starts to cry and Lauren gets fed up with Doug and finds She-Pratt alone in his room and begins to wipe her tears. She has forgiven her yet AGAIN even when there's no justifiable reason for her to do so. But just when Lauren has said, "what you did sucks, but it's done," She-Pratt starts to blame Doug and lie about what she did and Lauren looks at her and shrugs like, really? You couldn't just leave it alone? See what I was saying about her being the dumbest person ever?

This recap was ridiculously long, but the episode was really good! Hope everyone liked it!

Next time: Audrina goes on a date - but NOT with JBob! Heidi gets sentimental about the past and sends Lauren an email. Everyone gangs up on Spencer for ruining their friendship!!

"I mean, plaid FLANNEL? Is he crazy?"

2008-09-22T19:55:00.000-07:00

Lucky Lauren gets to go to Italy (for some unexplained reason) and she leaves Lo and Audrina all alone to bond. This could get interesting...oh, who am I kidding? This is going to be boring as hell.

She-Pratt heads over to the girls' villa to talk to Audrina about how Doug asked her out. Audrina, who has learned some lessons in friendship recently, tells She-Pratt to wait until Lauren gets home to make sure it's OK to date her ex-boyfriend. C'mon, they really weren't bf/gf and Lauren broke up with him so she won't care. But some drama will come out of this, don't worry.

Heidi and Work Friend are talking about a work event. WF said something about "gate ramps" and Heidi was like, "uh yeah, whatev...so, I'm bringing Spencer to the event." Nice, way to focus on work at work, Heidi. Geez, BB needs to fire her, pronto. Apparently, Spencer is a fuddy-duddy and never wants to go out. Unless they go to the arcade, then he's all, "I'll go on ahead and grab us a table by Duck Hunt!"

Whoa! Lo and Audrina are trying to make this friendship thing work. Lo's asking about Justin and then Audrina immediately wants to change the subject away from her terrible excuse for a relationship, and tells Lo about Doug asking Stephanie out. Whoops! Now all of Facebook knows, awesome job, Audrina!

Later that evening Lo and Audrina run into Speidi at GOA. It's some awkwardness, because Heidi comes over to talk to Audrina (leaving Lo alone to chug her drink) and they're making small-talk and then BAM! Audrina is telling Heidi about She-Pratt and Doug. Great, so now Heidi is going to tell all of MySpace and the entire world knows. Lauren is probably getting text-messaged from a bagillion people about this over in Italy. And also, Speidi invited Audrina and Justin to the Bolthouse event. Sounds right up JBob's alley!

Next day, at Speidi's place, (where she's still not welcomed) She-Pratt tells Spencer how Doug asked her out. Even HE realizes that "LC" will "freak out." So there's really no excuse for She-Pratt not understanding that concept.

Time for the Bolthouse event (X Games party), which is some kind of skate park/rock concert thing and JBob is there! He's wearing a turned-up baseball hat and a plaid flannel shirt buttoned all the way up. Miraculous, just when I thought he couldn't get any better. Anyway, they find Speidi and proceed to dish on the She-Pratt/Doug future date. I am sick of this already, why don't they just go out and get it over with and get cut from the show because they are out of Lauren's life. The end.

Finally! It's the date of the century! She-Pratt arrives at the restaurant to meet Doug and they talk about how neither Broday or Lauren will approve of their date. And THEN! This is awesome, ok, Broday's MOM is at the restaurant! She's like a quasi-celebrity and she is botoxed within an inch of her life. She knows She-Pratt and comes over to the table to say hello and meets Doug who has talked to her on the phone before. Then she asks if they're on a date and they both simultaneously answer/scream, "NO!" No, we're not on a date, so don't tell your son, who will then tell Lauren who will then end our contract with MTV who will then cease to pay us money for being idiots!!!! NOOOO! And She-Pratt sums up the experience in a few words, "that's not good." No, no it isn't.

Back in the real world (ha!), Audrina and Bangs get together to dish about...what else!...the She-Pratt/Doug thing. I'm sick of this.

Sh*t is about to hit the fan, people! Lauren is BACK! Two days early, btw, because she had "seen all the Italy had to offer." Uh, what? She is insane. First, she disses Paris (France, not Hilton) and now she only needs 3 days in Italy? What a loser. Anyway...they proceed to tell Lauren how Audrina has been hanging out with Speidi (ouch!) and then Audrina tells her about the She-Pratt/Doug catastrophe. Lo observes that Doug asked her out to make Lauren jealous, which is a good theory, since I don't know why anyone would be attracted to She-Pratt. Lauren seems bummed, but not pissed about the whole thing.

Lauren and Broday go out to dinner and the cat's outta the bag! They had barely ordered water when Broday told her about the date. Lauren has assumed that there was only talk and no date, but she is informed of the actuality of the situation. NOW she's pissed. Now Broday has validation after all the months of claiming that She-Pratt is shady. Good work, I guess. Anyway, that's it. Lauren knows and now we have to wait and see what happens between her and Steph.

Next week: Momma Montag comes to visit and has words with Spencer!! And Doug and She-Pratt make their case on why they should still be on The Hills earning fat paychecks for doing absolutely nothing. Can't wait.

The Secret's Out

2008-09-19T07:50:00.000-07:00

I probably will not be watching the new 90210 any longer. I have limited tolerance for teen soaps and frankly, Gossip Girl beat 'em to it. Kelly Taylor has a little boy now. And this week it was revealed that Dylan is the dad. That's all I really needed to know. Thanks and don't look for me next week.

OMG! Like, we're totally friends again!

2008-09-15T20:38:00.000-07:00

Tonight's episode begins in casa de Speidi and house guest Holly is trying to convince Heidi ad Spencer to go out with her. Heidi claims she has work (ha!) and Spencer would probably rather stay inside and feel sorry for himself. So Holly suggests that she go hang out with Lauren which causes Speidi's ears to perk right up. Uh oh! Another traitor! What is it with the sibling disloyalty around here? Is there something about Spencer and Heidi that would make their own flesh and blood want to hang out with their sworn enemies? Huh. Can't imagine.

Over at People's Revolution Whitney asks Lauren about things with Audrina. Friends again, who cares, blah, blah... What's really strange is that Lauren sounds like an old, life-long smoker. She must've had a tough week yelling at everything in sight because it's like listening to a man talk to Whitney about all of his problems. First up, Holly has just texted her. Oh god, not this again! All of Speidi's relatives want to be friends with her!

At Epic Records we get to meet Audrina's boss (?) lady who's telling her about an event that she will need to work. Man alive. You thought that Lauren was a stare-face with Lisa Loveless, get a load of Starey McBlankeyes over here! Seriously, is she listening? It's like the words are going in but nothing's registering. Hello? Audrina? Blink if you can hear me. No? Nothing. Wow. How about a nod, an acknowledgement of any kind that you're listening? Still zip. She's useless. This event is going to crash and burn.

Faster than you can say sibling betrayal, Holly is meeting up with Lauren at Lauren's favorite cafe! Lauren warns Holly about the dangers of befriending her and breaking apart families. This is serious stuff. Holly shrugs it off pretty casually, though.

Audrina and JBob meet up for dinner and talk about something, I guess. I can't get over how JBob is a totally different person this season. He's cleaned up, he's making fairly intelligent remarks (I mean, this is still the Hills), he's actually listening to Audrina (which is more than I can say). Thumbs up, JBob! Audrina has invited him to the gig thing she's "running" and she really wants him to be there. Cue JBob screw-up in five...four...three...two...one...

Whoa! Audrina is in Lauren and Lo's house! I guess they really ARE friends. Lauren officially got the invite to the gig.

Gig time! There are lots of losers around and they are qualifying that as a success for Audrina. I spy Lauren, She-Pratt and Lo. Guess who isn't there! Damn you, JBob! Every time I think you have cleaned up your act, you go and screw things up again!

What the eff? Did you all know that Holly is OLDER than Heidi? There is no way. That makes no sense. She looks so much younger and more vibrant than duck lips that I guess I just assumed she was younger. This has thrown me for a loop! Oh, and Holly told Heidi that she met up with Lauren for lunch and at first Heidi acts annoyed, but you can tell that when Holly says that "Lauren totally misses" her that she smiles because she does too. Awwww...dump Spencer for crying out loud!!

After the party there's the after-party. Peeps at the band thing are hanging out and still no sign of JBob. But She-Pratt is totally flirting with one of the band members. I smell a hook-up!

Time for Audrina's friend, Bangs, to dish out some advice about JBob. Suddenly Audrina is always "give, give, give" and JBob never gives anything back. News to me! I thought they were doing good. He hasn't burped in her face in a while...good lord, Audrina, what else do you WANT from him?!

Alright, kudos to MTV for this last scene. It feels like I'm actually watching honest emotions for once. Lauren is talking to She-Pratt about hanging out with Holly and remembering the good times with Heidi. And Heidi is talking to Work Friend about how she misses Lauren. They keep cutting from Lauren to Heidi in such a way that makes me truly think that they could be friends again one day.

Next time: Lauren goes on vaca, leaving Audrina and Lo to be BFFs! She-Pratt goes out with Doug! And Broday totally tattles on her! You know he couldn't WAIT to do it!

Tinkering

2008-09-14T15:39:00.000-07:00

Guess what I did this weekend!? I totally changed the blog! I made us a new header in Photoshop and went ahead and color-coordinated everything to match. So, uh, I hope you like it!

RR/RW Challenge

2008-09-12T19:34:00.000-07:00

Every year I eagerly await the new round of Real World/Road Rules Challenges. Some of the finest moments in reality tv have happened on this show. In fact, I once wrote a paper in one of my advertising classes on the Challenge and even quoted Coral when she said, "I beat bitches up." Now if that wasn't quality reality tv programming, I don't know what is.

So it should come as no surprise, that I have been anxious for the start of a new season. And maybe it's my fault for building it up in my head, for expecting too much, for wanting to understand what the heck was going on from the beginning of the first show. Yeah, it has to be my fault...it couldn't be MTV's fault for opening with a lame first episode. No, no that couldn't be it...I mean MTV is the same network that gave us the 2008 MTV Music Video Awards, and those weren't terrible, right? WRONG.

I know it's my responsibility to watch and blog about this season's challenge, but I don't know if I can watch another episode....so here's what may be my final recap:

TJ Lavin (who is he anyway?) is the host again...they strand a bunch of Yea-Whos from past RR/RW on a deserted island (but there is one new guy and I can't place him, so I suspect he's just totally new). And you wanna guess what this year's big twist is? They will live out in the elements...no sweet party pad this year kids - you're pretty much on Survivor, only MTV style.

So it's pretty much the same drama, the same alliances and the same partying, just not at a sweet villa in Mexico. I especially loved that Tonya came on the show to show the world how she's got her act together and swiftly shows the world that she's still crazy Tonya (hey-remember Kari got that sweet Boondoggle of her at that fight in LR).

Cliff's Notes of Episode One: Dropped on a island - don't drink all the water - we have to use outhouses - we only have rice - let's get naked in the water and hook up - I need to puke - there are no challenges - there's a plane dropping supplies - let's kick Tonya off - the end.

Happy Halloween!

2008-09-08T19:54:00.000-07:00

The episode opens and Lauren, Lo and She-Pratt are in a "Vegas library" with a HUGE book open and they are listing off jails that Broday ISN'T being held at. It's like Where In the World Is Carmen Sandiego, except much, much stupider.

Oh. No. The boys are back and they are laughing it up because apparently they were in the casino jail filing a police report on some loser who got up in their faces the night before. They did nothing wrong. They spent FIVE HOURS in the casino jail to make sure that this jerk was brought to justice. It's like Matlock, except much, much stupider.

Time to leave Vegas, but not before Audrina meets up with Lauren at the hotel lobby as they are leaving. It's really awkward because Lauren is super pissed since this thing has been blown way out of proportion. And now they "need to talk" but not until they get home. That's if Audrina makes it there...you know Lauren is willing her plane to crash with her mind!

Over at Casa Spiedi Spencer doesn't wait 2 seconds before breaking his promise to Heidi that he won't say anything to Holly about the not-so-perfect situation. He immediately tells her that since Heidi loves Holly so much she would never tell her that she wants her to move out of their apartment. What a jerk. Holly storms out of the apartment and this is totally gonna come back to Spencer. Heidi will kill him!

Yay! Whitney! I'm ready for a reality check! They talk about the Lauren/Audrina controversy. Ugggh, give me a break. Then they go and "style some jeans" because their job is ridiculous.

Audrina and JBob go out to dinner and guess what they talk about! JBob goes all peaceful warrior on her and tells her to get rid of the negative chi or some stuff. I think he's Audrina's guru now.

Over at People's Revolution, Kelly gathers everyone up to talk about their upcoming event at Area. They are going to be styling an artist named Lady Gaga and Whitney gets to do it all by her little self! Awwww! She's all growed up, y'all!

OK. Y'all. Heidi and Spencer. Their life is like a sitcom. It's not real. Heidi comes skipping home and then freaks out on Spencer immediately because Holly isn't home. All the sudden she's "really worried about her!" Then Spencer tells her that he "might've said something about her movin' out." He's getting the death stare. It's over for him.

AH! While Lauren and Lo are talking about "the drama that shall not be named" (that's for you, Kari), I can totally see that Lo is on Facebook! I have to friend her! Yesss!! Stalker time!

Whoa, it's already the PR event - I thought they were going to set this up for a while - and Lauren is STILL talking about how stressed out she is over this Audrina drama. I'm going to scream. Meanwhile, Lady Gaga is wearing a patent leather catsuit (why would I lie about that?) and there is zipper drama! Phew! Lauren fixes the zipper and all is well. Except for the fact that she's wearing a CATSUIT and Whitney is in charge of her whole look. Yikes!

Holly and Heidi made up. Those are all the words that they deserve.

Uh oh, somber music! It's the showdown of the century! All you need to know is that they fought for a bit about how the other one wasn't making an effort to be a friend and that the other one was really trying to make it work. Make sense? No? Awesome. Anyway, in the end they decide to let the past be in the past and be friends again. They both seem happy with the decision, but I don't know if it will last. They are too different. Sometimes you can't force a friendship. Wasn't that profound? I'm so deep.

Next time Holly contacts Lauren and MTV hints that Lauren and Heidi might want to be friends again. So. Not. Happening. I am NOT falling for it THIS time, MTV. Ha ha! I win! Oh god, I'm a loser...

Raise your hand if you suck!

2008-09-07T19:55:00.000-07:00

So, Doug has a jet. A private jet. Ugggh. Lauren, Lo, She-Pratt, Broday, Frankie and Doug head aboard the jet and are off to Vegas! The plane ride starts off with a bang when Broday says that "We've been through some stuff together, but having Stephanie here is like having Spencer here...cheers!" Uh, what??

I think it might be Spring Break, judging by all the partying young people at the pool. Or is that what Vegas is like all year round now? The girls settle in to their room and talk about how Broday made that inappropriate comment on the plane. Lauren says that the best revenge is for Lauren to prove him wrong. Oh, Lauren...so naive, this one!

This time, the first thing we see Spencer doing at his apartment is playing an arcade game with plastic guns. He's really getting into it. Shocking! And speaking of shocking - Holly is moving out to LA!! Who would have guessed?!?! Spencer is P-I-S-S-E-D. He throws a tantrum and tells Heidi that it will probably affect their relationship. Maybe they'll break up?!!!

Back in Vegas the girls head to the boys' room, which is much more awesome than theirs, and talk about how Audrina dissed Lauren the other night when they saw her out at a club. Not surprisingly, she didn't want to talk to Lauren while she was out with Lo and it really hurt Lauren's feelings. Broday keeps telling her to kick her out of the house. Stone cold! Apparently Audrina and Justin Bobby are going to be in Vegas, too. It's going to be awesome when they run into each other!

Whoa - Holly's already in LA! She's moving in with Speidi for a while and there could be some trouble. But, what the hell is this?! Spencer is actually being nice to Holly? He gives her a high five (!!) and then asks her how her drive was? Who is this and what have they done with Spencer...and why didn't they do it months ago?! Watching him nod politely is probably the most hilarious thing I've seen this whole season.

Audrina and J.Bob check into their hotel room and talk about the "growing tension" between Audrina and Lauren. MTV knows how to set up a showdown, just get ready. It's coming.

The gang goes out to dinner at Cut (apparently, it's Wolfgang Puck's restaurant) and toast to Frankie's birthday. Then She-Pratt asks Broday why he told Lauren not to be friends with her. He calls her "crazy" and a "complete psycho" and references her old "drug problem." Yikes. Then he tells her to "leave" and everyone keeps trying to change the subject, but it's too late and She-Pratt is crying. She and Lauren head to the bathroom but dinner is pretty much a total downer now. Lauren and She-Pratt go to their room and decide that She-Pratt shouldn't listen to Broday because he's a jerk face.

Time to go clubbin'! OK, so here's the deal. Audrina and JBob enter the club and IMMEDIATELY Broday goes up to Justin and starts talking to him about the Audrina/Lauren thing. THEN Audrina finds Frankie and HE starts talking to her about how they just need to talk. People. Stay out of their business. This is becoming a much bigger deal than it needs to be. But, apparently it's too much for Audrina to handle so she and JBob decide to leave. Crisis averted - aka MTV just made a HUGE deal out of nothing. Why do I always fall for it?!

Back in LA, Spencer arrives at Heidi's work and demands that she come down to talk to him. Are you ready for the big reason why he is so upset? Really, I mean, I don't know if you can handle this. She...erased...two of his Tivo shows. I know. Try and remain calm. This is a difficult situation for all of us. Heidi is seriously not having it. She tells Spencer that he should get out of the house to deal with it. Now THAT'S an idea!

Time to leave Vegas, but not before Frankie comes to visit so he can tell them that Broday is in the slammer! Doug got punched and they are both in jail. And scene. Seriously, MTV? Are you kidding me? That's the end of the episode. JERKS!

Next time: Drama. Just...more drama and more idiots. Yeah, stay tuned. Oh, and it's on tomorrow night because MTV hates me. Do they think I have time for all of these recaps?!

I don't think Brandon is coming back...

2008-09-03T18:09:00.000-07:00

Unless there is going to be a side plot for a Grizzly-Man adventure in his contract. Yikes!!

Dylan, Kelly, I Hate You Both

2008-09-02T19:08:00.001-07:00

Ever since I heard about a new 90210, I must admit that I've been pretty excited. I've been addicted to the original from day one. I mean, when you realize that 90210 is on every day at 3 and 4 on Lifetime, you don't just catch it when you can. You schedule classes around it. And that's exactly how my potluck roomie and I bonded my freshman year. It's been years since the crazy exploits of Brenda, Dylan, Kelly, Steve, Brandon, Donna and David, so yeah, I was a little anxious to see the new show. And even a lackluster fan of the original would surely tune in to see Kelly and Brenda reunite on screen. So here goes...

The Walsh... I mean, the Wilson's pull up loser cruiser style to a beautiful LA mansion, apparently directly out of a Kansas dustbowl because that van is really dirty! Annie is cute, Dixon is adopted, mom is a photographer and dad is the new West Beverly Hills High principal. Didn't see that one coming. Obviously the parents are going to be much more a part of the storyline than Jim and Cindy ever were. The two hour premiere was really long, so I'll just catch you up on the highlights:

Ethan and Naomi are the hottest couple in town. He's a lacrosse star and she's rich. She reminds me of Jessie Spano (when I looked up the correct spelling of Spano, Google had the following suggestions of how to complete my request: Jessie Spano caffeine pills, Jessie Spano excited and Jessie Spano freak out). Annie immediately sees Ethan hooking up with another girl, which does not bode well for his relationship with Naomi.

Annie is about to make a new friend, or enemy, when I'm hit with a tornado warning. Dang. Fortunately, I later realize that the girl she was talking to was none other than Erin Silver! Maybe I'm giving too much credit here, but I'm impressed with how the producers actually try to make this seem like a continuation of the original show. I had pretty much forgotten about Erin Silver, but of course she would be going to West Beverly right about now. Good call, producers. Silver's an angry little soul. I'm sure we'll get more on that later.

Ok. Back to the details. This show is so complicated already. Let's see... Dixon is a lacrosse star, but not all of his teammates appreciate that. Naomi and Ethan break up and Ethan starts to fall for Annie. However, Annie has already ditched her Kansas boyfriend and been swept off her teeth* by Ty Collins, who I will refer to at Toothy Ty. He takes her to San Francisco on their first date. And get this, she gets busted because her mom finds a matchbook from a San Fran restaurant in her jeans. Who takes matchbooks?! Lame-o way to get caught in my opinion. Annie should talk to Brenda. Speaking of Brenda, she arrives approximately one hour and thirty minutes into the premiere, not that I was waiting or anything.

Brenda and Kelly meet up at The Pit and Nat is so glad to see them there. Has Nat been on anything else? This guy owes 90210 everything! They chat for about 10 seconds before the show moves on. I'm hoping to see more of them!! Oh and Kelly has a kid and I really need to know who the father is. Last I know, she was probably going to be with Dylan and if Luke Perry struts into West Beverly, I'll be that much happier.

This is getting really long. Basically, the new 90210 is the old 90210 meets The O.C. and has a menage a trois with Gossip Girl. In other words, a ridiculous exaggeration of life as a sixteen-year-old that I can't help but watch! Not sure if I can do updates each week because the storylines are so complicated. But I do think I can come up with something about the show, so keep watching and keep reading.

Sidenote: I saw a preview for the new movie "The Women." Annette Bening's character tells the cosmetic sales lady "This is my face. Deal with it." I laughed.

*As I reread this post, I realized that I typed teeth, instead of feet. Obviously, Toothy Ty has already gotten to me.

She's totally about to laugh in his face

2008-09-02T16:41:00.000-07:00

Time for Whitney to set up the episode - she's off to NYC and looks like Lauren is over Doug. There aren't any sparks so Lauren's gonna dump his ass. Looks like Doug's 15 minutes are O-V-E-R!

Lauren meets up with She-Pratt at FIDM and they are going to try and make it work. Why? I have NO idea!

Whit has arrived in NYC! Already Kelly has asked her why she's late and told her to go upstairs and help with the casting. The MALE model casting. Whitney is literally not looking anyone in the eye. She's so scared of the guys! Kelly takes over and asks a guy to go out with them later that night. Whitney turns beet red at the prospect of a date.

Spiedi head to lunch at Cut in LA. I guess it's a nice place, but any place that will let Speidi in is obviously trash-tastic. Their whole interaction is basically Spencer whining that they're never alone and Heidi telling him that she misses She-Pratt. Hmmm, looks as if they aren't so much on the same page? But the BEST is when Spencer LOOKS AT HIS WATCH and says, "Time to get in bed and cuddle my dear!" and then takes a HUGE drink of wine. Is he kidding? The sad part is, I really don't know. Heidi looks SO excited!

Lauren meets up with Broday (he might as well change it permanently) for sushi. She's running late...probably because she had to squeeze herself into those LEATHER LEGGINGS (no photo to be found - damn!). Lauren. What. The. Hell. They talk about Doug not being the right guy for Lauren and how Broday IS the right guy for Lauren. Just start dating again, already.

Back in NYC Whit meets the male model for drinks and, lo and behold!, Kelly and "everyone else" cancels. That sneaky little minx! She had it planned all along, that Kelly Cutrone! Working for the devil has some perks, at least. Whit and the model have a decent date, they walk around the city and talk about NYC vs. LA and then they have a nice goodbye at Whit's hotel. If it wasn't already official, Whitney is the most normal person on this show.

Whit's back in LA she gives Lauren the run-down of her "total date-style" encounter with the male model (I didn't catch his name, is the reason I keep calling him that). I can tell they had a good time, but Whitney immediately puts the focus back on Lauren (that's a good little supporting cast-member!) and asks her about Doug and Lauren makes this face:

Obviously can't wait to see him. She's going to break up with him later.

Over in Speidiwood, She-Pratt is attempting (God only knows why) to heal her relationship with Spencer by buying him gifts. I just threw up. When Spencer decides he doesn't want to be in your life, you thank your lucky stars and head in the opposite direction! But alas, she has bought him "The Secret History of the CIA" (uh, what??) to win him back. Spencer accepts the gift but won't say anything more than one-word answers to She-Pratt's questions. And that's that. Run, woman, run while you can!

Time to break Doug's heart. Time for Lauren to tell him that he sucks and she hates him. It's breakup time! Doug gets a little defensive when Lauren says that "it's just not there." And after a little bit of back and forth about how her crush didn't turn into anything more, they are back to being just friends. That was lame. Why am I surprised?

Next week: They head BACK to Vegas! Hopefully no one will flash their "Britney" like last year! Here's what's up: it's on Sunday, after the VMAs (yes, I will watch them, I'm an addict), so set your DVRs to record! Audrina and Justin Bobby form a team against the rest of the gang. Broday makes She-Pratt cry and then winds up in jail (for different reasons...I think) with Doug. Yowza!

So, it's NOT Monday?

2008-09-02T13:19:00.000-07:00

I've thought that it was Monday all day today. I only just now realized that it's actually Tuesday and I missed The Hills last night. No, I don't put it on series record, because MTV likes to pretend that those episodes are always "new" which means that I am constantly recording Hills episodes that I've already seen. It's annoying. What's also annoying, however, is having to remember to record it myself. I had been doing so great until this holiday interfered with my plan. And I blame Spencer. Jerk.

Chasing the drama

2008-08-25T20:08:00.000-07:00

This week it's She-Pratt's birthday and she's invited Lauren to attend. Lauren asks if she can bring a date and She-Pratt gets all weirdly inquisitive about him. Then she says that he's exactly her type. Uh-oh...I think I know where THIS is going. (Pssst, thanks MTV for filling in all the blanks with the endless previews!)

Lauren and Doug do lunch. Does Lauren eat at that same cafe every single day of her scripted life? She comes in, sits her butt at the patio table by the sidewalk and orders a salad. Change it up, Conrad! Geesh! The conversation between her and Doug is so stimulating that these are the things that I'm left to ponder. It's either this or, "I just don't get along with her brother (aka Spencer), so I hope he won't be there (aka her birthday party)." Well, if there's one thing I've learned from watching a gazillion episodes it's this: Spencer will ALWAYS show up at the exact place that you wish he wouldn't. It is his way. And he will act like a jackass. Ooops! Spoiler!

Audrina and coworker Bangs talk "work" for literally 5 seconds and then talk sh*t about Lo for apologizing to Audrina. Bangs suggests that it's "Audrina versus Lo, a battle to the death!" I am officially on Team Lo. Audrina is goin' down!

Time for work at People's Revolution. Whitney's talking about work and Lauren stares blankly at her until she inquires as to what Lauren will be doing this week. Way to follow the cues, Whit! More talk of the feared run-in with Spencer Pratt. Dun dun dun!!! I wonder if he will be there!

Over at Don Antonio's Heidi's tramped up in 2 pounds of makeup (probably just finished shooting her latest music video - see earlier post photo!) and Spencer's threatening to cut off all communication with Stephanie. She's friends with the "girl I despise more than anything on the Earth" (direct quote, btw). Apparently Speidi will make an appearance at the party and after that it's over. Really. No, really, this time I promise!

Time to get ready! Lauren and Lo put on their makeup and talk about world peace, and politics and then ponder the global warming crisis. All in a night's work! After a debate like that they need a night out to just let loose! Audrina comes in the bathroom (obviously during a heated convo about third-world hunger) and Lo stares daggers at her. Don't interrupt her when she's talking about feeding the world, Audrina! Team Lo - 1 point.

Oh goody! Dinner out for the People's Revolution crew. My favorite incompetent staffer (Jessica) starts shooting off at the mouth and Kelly IS NOT HAVING IT. I have no idea what Jessica was even about to say, but Kelly interrupts with this quote: "No, no, no, no. Because it's my company and the answer's no to that. I don't want you to talk to a stylist. I'm just going to say what I want. Since it's my company. You? Pretty, pretty, happy, happy. Pitch stories. It's common sense. We wanna grow. If we do that everybody will move up. If we don't, people are gonna be cut." Wow. Why hasn't she fired Jessica yet??

Everyone starts arriving at Boulevard 3, where She-Pratt is having her bday partay. It's the regular cast of characters, including Doug, who arrives with Broday (OK, seriously, every time I type Brody it always comes out Broday. I don't know why my fingers always put that extra "A" in there, but it's staying, so deal with it!) and Frankie. Lo sees Audrina and instead of heading for the hills (haha, get it?!) she stays put and is actually polite. Then, when other people start having conversations, she says a couple of nice things to Audrina who tries to burn a hole in her head with her powerful stare. Aurdina is such a b*tch! She's going to put up a better fight than I thought...Team Audrina - 1 point. All tied up.

Oh no! I can't believe it! Guess who showed up! No, guess. You'll never guess so I'll just tell you - Spencer! OMG!! No WAY! And he brought balloons! Because that's what people do when they are cutting their sister of our their lives! They bring balloons! Oh, what a happy birthday it will be!

Broday immediately "bounces" because he doesn't want to deal with "drama" and I don't blame him. Just minutes after Speidi arrive they make things awkward and Lauren, Lo and Doug decide to "bounce" as well. This has gone from a fun party to a dud of a party, leaving Stephanie alone with some no-names and Speidi. HAHAHAHA!! Oh, that's pure poetry.

*Commerical note: Are you guys aware of this "Exiled" show? Sweet 16-ers sent away to far-off countries to re-prioritize their lives? Awesome! I'll be watching!*

Spencer goes to Stephanie's apartment and tells her that they are DONE. It's over.... She's FREE!!! That is the best birthday present she could've ever gotten.

Oh boy. Here comes the good stuff. Over at People's Revolution guess who just got CANNED!?! Jessica! I called it! Kelly calls Whitney up and breaks the bad news to her. And then she offers her Jessica's job on the spot! Whitney will now be living a "bi-coastal lifestyle" according to Kelly. I guess Whit accepted it, because Kelly just told her not to make any plans for the next couple months...or the rest of her life. Nice knowin' ya, Whit!

Over at fashion design school She-Pratt tells Lauren that she's sorry about the drama that Speidi caused at her party. Lauren tells her that she's got to work at earning her trust, since most of her friends have told her that She-Pratt can't be trusted. It looks as if She-Pratt is hurt by this statement, but she's a Pratt and is probably just thinking about how she can annoy someone later on. It's tough work.

Next time! Whit heads to NYC and meets a boy! Lauren breaks up with Doug - maybe? And some other stuff that is probably ridiculous. See ya then!

Kari Potter

2008-08-25T17:40:00.000-07:00

Jenny - I fear we may have lost our dear friend Kari. She has fallen under the spell (pun intended) of one boy wizard, Harry Potter.

Unbeknownst to me, Kari began reading these "novels" in June and only lacks one to finish the series. In that incredibly short time she has also seen (correct me if I'm wrong Kari) two of the movies. And she did all of this without letting on a thing to us muggels.

I guess I should have started worrying when she abruptly quit watching The Hills, but I didn't. I just thought it was a phase, she'd come back around, maybe she just really enjoyed reading Jenny's take on each episode and then secretly watched re-runs. I know now she was just too busy reading her Harry Potter collection.

Kari, I'm just worried about you. I've seen plenty of Harry Potter fanatics, and I'm just afraid of you turning into one. Oh, and if you have a room decorated in Harry Potter the next time I come to your house, I'm sorry, but that will probably be the official end to our friendship.

I'm with THAT guy

2008-08-25T17:39:00.000-07:00

Stunned. I don't know who in their right mind decided that it would be OK to let Heidi make a video in a suit of spandex and outrageous hair. Someone will pay for this!

This is awkward.

2008-08-18T20:07:00.000-07:00

Season 4. It's here. Can you handle this?! I'm gonna recap the hell out of it! Let's go.

Yay! It's Whitney! A birthday party's in the works for Audrina! AND Lauren has a date with an old prom date! LAME! But at least she's getting out of her dating "slump" - Whitney's word. As if Whit's an expert. Season 4 starts off with a bang!

Heidi's sister is coming in to town and she's going to find out that she and Spencer are shacking up! Uh-oh. Wait, why wouldn't Heidi want to tell everyone that her and Spencer are back together? Oh, is it because that her family hates Spencer? I suppose that could have something to do with it.

Audrina is apparently not really friends with Lauren anymore since she told her work friend ("Bangs") that she was surprised that Lauren would want to throw her a party. But Lauren seems to think that everything is fine - or she wouldn't have just told Whitney about a super fun party she was going to throw for "one of her best friends."

AAHH!! More Montag spawn! Ouch, Holly looks like Heidi before the surgery. Spencer "Chester Cheetah" is currently busy playing video games and won't bother talking to Holly at all. What a jerk-face. THEN! He acts all put-out because he and Heidi are "just putting things back together." Hmmm...maybe if you actually try and be nice to her family, that would be a step in the right direction? No? Too logical? OK, my bad. Oh, and the beard is looking great. (What? He obviously does the exact opposite of everything I think he should do. I'll show him!)

Lauren's date night! My favorite part of the "getting-ready" segment was when Lauren asked Lo if she would ask her out on a second date (as in, if they were the ones going on a date) and Lo goes, "I dunno." Tough one, Lo, looks like things just got a little too real.

As for the date, all you need to know is that there was a lot of staring and stimulating conversation such as, "I think your drink says a lot about you." "What does a beer say about me?" "That you're a guys-guy." (And Lauren ordered a Fuzzy Dragon, so what the hell does that say about her?!) Plus, Doug asked her out again about 20 minutes into their first date. Slow down, buddy! She fell for it so we'll see you at the birthday party!

Spencer is awakened at NOON by the Sisters Montag, he decides to bitch-up Heidi and Holly for making him breakfast. I think you found a keeper, Heidi!

It's party time and speaking of bitching-up, Lo is not being very friendly to Audrina. In Lo's defense, Audrina did invite some Sketchy McSketchersons to the party. But Lo has to learn to smile and say something nice and then talk sh*t about her later with Lauren. Gosh, get a clue!

Oh boy, it's LA makeover time for Holly. Bleach blonde highlights are OK, but don't go getting duck lips!

JUSTIN BOBBY! In a leather jacket. At a pool party. In LA. I think that's the best birthday present Audrina could ever receive. And that's probably for the best, because Lo isn't getting her anything. She didn't even hang out at the party at all.

Holly leaves after hanging out in LA for about 5 minutes. Spencer is a total jerk when she leaves. Holly hints at possibly moving out to LA and when Heidi offers to let her stay at their apt. Spencer loses it. After Holly drives away (in a cab - can't drive a sister to the airport, Heidi?) she blows up at her for offering to help her sister. How quickly he forgets that he crashed on HIS sister's couch for several months. Playing video games. All. Day. Long.

Lo attempts to make nice with Audrina but after about 5 minutes of back and forth trying to figure out why they still aren't close, Lo says that she feels like she's putting forth effort and that Audrina isn't giving anything back. Audrina lets Lo know that she just doesn't care if they are never friends. Whoa. Harsh. Lo is visibly shaken up by these harsh words and gets up to leave the beach house. Bring on the bitchiness! If you thought Lo was bitchy before, just you WAIT, girlfriend. Just wait.

Lauren talks to Whitney to close out the episode. I like how Lauren's conversations with Whitney bookend the show. Whitney's advice is like a pearl of wisdom. She gives Lauren something to ponder during the show and then they wrap up that lesson at the end of the show. Tonight's lesson: This show is ridiculous.

Coming up this season, more drama, more staring, more backstabbing! Bring it on!

Before it begins...

2008-08-18T19:01:00.000-07:00

“I think that maybe Lauren is tired of [being on the show], but we’re just beginning,” Montag told Ryan Seacrest during an interview Monday on his KIIS-FM radio show. “We’re not even remotely sick of it.”

Not even just a little? Cuz I am SO sick of them. Are they serious? Why do they think that people like them? They are the butt of every joke and yet they still believe that a show could revolve around them.

Pratt added, “It’s my favorite show. I love it. The Hills season 10 is what I’m going for.”

Let me ask you all a favor: if I am still writing blog recaps of The Hills in 6 more years, just kill me. Please. I don't even know why I still watch this show half the time, since most of what happens is in the tabloids months before we actually see it on the show. But I really get a small amount of joy from ridiculing these ridiculous girls who make mind-numbingly stupid decisions day-in and day-out. And the Speidi relationship is BY FAR the worst part of the show.

Oh, and I thought this was funny. Heidi has a new single out (shield your ears - it's called 'Overdosin') and it's about her relationship with Spencer. When Ryan Seacrest asked if a wedding was in their future she said, "I’m waiting for the ring to make that song.” Hmmm. Really? Did you forget that the first ring was a purple plastic monstrosity that Spencer bought at Claire's? I wouldn't take your chances on a second ring. And also, didn't she call off the engagement? And now she's all, "He hasn't given me a ring. Boo-hoo." It's like she doesn't realize that her life is filmed and then projected onto millions of TV screens. We KNOW when you're LYING. Ugghhh, see you jerks on season 4 - up next!

No, Brant, I Cannot Do That

2008-08-11T18:11:00.000-07:00

Since summer TV pretty much sucks, I've welcomed the seemingly non-stop Olympic coverage. I think we are three days into it and I've watched at least ten hours of this stuff. No matter the event, Brant enjoys asking me the question "Could you do that?" So in honor of that oh so hilarious and not at all annoying question, I would like to make a little list.

Top Five Olympic Events I Could Never Do

1. Diving (Synchronized or Individual) - I hold my nose when I jump into the water. Enough said here.

2. Gymnastics (Floor) - Anyone who has seen my cartwheel is well aware of my gymnastic skills. However, I simply could not do the random dance interludes. Yeah, the dance interludes. That's the only reason I could not do floor.

3. Badminton - I didn't not even realize until yesterday that this was an officially santioned Olympic event, much less that it was bad-minton, not bad-mitton. And the Chinese LOVE their badminton. The #1 male and #1 female players in the country recently got engaged... they are considered the Posh and Becks of China! Anyway, back to the list. If I remember correctly, I can play the sport. As a ten year old, I might have even been good, but I could not devote my life to this sport. Ever. And therefore, my Olympic dreams as a badminton champ are dead.

4. Water Polo - Tread water. Swim the length of the pool. Tread water. Rise up out of the pool with no assitance and throw a ball as hard as you can. Swim back. Tread water. Um, my legs hurt right now. No dice.

5. Opening Ceremony - That's right. I sincerely doubt I would have had any chance to make it as a member of the opening ceremony group. And there were over 15,000 people so it's not like there wasn't a bit of opportunity there. Although, the population is approaching a zillion over there, so I guess the odds were against me. Still, that was the best opening ceremony... no, the best display of art in motion I have ever seen. Getting 2,008 people to move in the same direction at the same time is a magnificent feat and I totally would have screwed it up!

RIP: StopYellingAtMe.blogspot.com

2008-08-04T19:16:00.000-07:00

Our poor, poor blog is dead. It hasn't seen a new post since early June. I'm even thinking of writing an obituary for it.
I was talking to my boss about it today and she had an interesting point - once we swore off celebrity gossip, we clearly swore off our blog too. So to restore life back to our blog I propose this: We'll still steer clear of the celebrity "news" but we continue to post our opinions on pop culture and tv...after all our love of those things brought the three of us together as friends and brought about this blog.
The Hills will be starting soon and Jenny will (hopefully) resume her episode recaps. And since I watch Jon and Kate Plus 8 each week - I will be recap those. Kari,what are you watching? Anything you can recap?
I'm not ready to kill off the blog yet!

Casting Issues

2008-06-29T19:13:00.000-07:00

Watch this commerical please. I'm sure you've seen it before. And if either of you want to show me how to embed a video, that would be great. Until then, I've just got the link:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Uij0lW2Apt0

This commerical has bothered me for several weeks. Every time I see it I think "I really don't like that lady," and unfortunately for Vonage, that lady is on their side. Does anyone else find the guy more endearing and likeable than the girl? I think it's her eyebrows.

Breaking News!

2008-06-24T07:36:00.000-07:00

This is an actual screen shot from my iGoogle page. I did not photoshop this at all.

I would say that it must be a slow news day for ET Online - Breaking News to report that Charlize Theron loves spaghetti, but it's a growing trend to think that the public really wants to know these "interesting tidbits." I don't have anything else to say other than I could honestly care less. And I even like reading celebrity news gossip! This just seems to be crossing the line.

Shiny Happy People Laughing

2008-06-06T17:59:00.001-07:00

Last night Andrew and I attended a Carrie Underwood/Keith Urban concert as part of Wal Mart's shareholder convention. Even though neither of us work at Wal Mart and neither of us are shareholders, Wal Mart was generous enough to open the event to the public.

Before the show, I was most excited to see Carrie Underwood, but I have to tell you, I left the concert most excited about Keith Urban's performance. Both were wonderful, but Keith Urban was just really entertaining. His show was awesome.

Throughout the entire Carrie Underwood show I found myself thinking I hate her, I just really hate her, even though I don't. And let me tell you why.

Basically Julie summed it up in one sentence: "She's a shiny person." And Julie is right.

Shiny people are those that never have a hair out of place, are always dressed to the nines and appear perfect. They basically just make you feel really bad about yourself. And that's how I felt people after her show.

So I have made my "Post-Carrie Underwood Show Self-Improvement List" and here it is:

1) Hair extensions in August
2) A few shades blonder
3) A tan exterior with sunless tanner
4) A couple of shopping trips to Mason's (even though I can't afford her $700+ Christian Louboutin heels, I'll find some kicking heels)
5) A new slimmer physique

This may sound ridiculous to you, but you go to one of her concerts and see how you feel when you leave...I bet you'll be creating a "Post Show" to-do list too.

Oh, and just to make myself feel a little bit better, I googled her today to find a picture of her when she was on American Idol and before she turned into a complete "Shiny" person...and while she wasn't completely unfortunate looking, she was as shiny as she is now:

A Wee-Wentz

2008-05-29T18:06:00.000-07:00

We all know what Ashlee and Pete did after 80's prom night....

I have to be honest, the thought of a Wee-Wentz makes me shudder. These are two people who get on every nerve I have, and a little person who will be the combination of these two...I can't think of anything worse.

WHAH?!

2008-05-28T16:27:00.000-07:00

I must be seeing things because 1) his hair color is atrocious (it's Ryan Adams if you couldn't tell) and 2) Mandy?? This doesn't make sense to me. She's a goody-goody. They don't go together. I find this very upsetting.

I know they're married now, but...

2008-05-21T19:09:00.001-07:00

Matching bangs? It's a bit much...

Here comes...Sue E?

2008-05-20T17:33:00.000-07:00

This past weekend Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz made it official at her parents' home in California. The reception was an "Alice in Wonderland" themed event complete with Mad Hatter Hat on the cake. I'm sure it was a lovely event, not really my taste, but lovely nonetheless.

The Simpson/Wentz nuptials got me to thinking about weddings. And since themed weddings seem to be all of the rage these days, I'm sure a wedding like the one I am about to describe would not disappoint.

If I were planning a wedding, I'd be sure to plan it as follows. And you all owe me one loud Sooooie!

Venue - Ah, the venue. Perhaps the most important decision the bride will make. The venue determines the feel of the wedding. Formal, casual, semi-formal? The venue tells all. That's why I would make sure my wedding took place at Donald W. Reynold's Razorback Stadium on the 50 yard line of Frank Broyles field.

Apparel - Another very important decision and one that can get very costly...but have no fear, when you are a b-dazzling queen, no event is too large for you. Bridesmaids should wear cutoff jean skirts, with a t-shirt, b-dazzled specially for them. "I'm with groomsman #"(corresponding football number) will be on the back of each shirt.

And the groomsmen shouldn't have to worry with a pesky tux. Just launder up your football jersey and wear it with some khakis and we're in business folks.

Flowers - Homecoming Mum Corsages anyone?

As for the music, why hire a professional band when you have "The Best in Sight in Sound," right in your backyard? The groom and all of his men will walk out to the fight song, they'll hit that line, hit that line and (if he's smart) keep on going...while the bridal party will walk out accompanied by "Hey Baby." Classic tunes if you ask me.

After the I do's this party moves into the locker room! The groom's cake (a razorback, of course) would sit on the training table and guests will be served "Rebel Devil Eggs" and "Tangy Tiger Treats" for refreshments. The bride and groom should enjoy their first dance as husband and wife to the triumphant, "O Lord, it's hard to be humble, when your an Arkansas Razorback fan" changing the words to "O, Lord it's hard to be humble, when you marry a Razorback man..."

After a few rousing rounds of calling the hogs, the couple should be off for their honeymoon, riding away with a "Just Married" sign attached to their red VW bug.

Now what?

2008-05-19T18:59:00.001-07:00

How am I supposed to fill the Hills-shaped void on Mondays? It's just not the same. Oh well, I guess I'll just have to watch the Sex and the City movie and subsequently all the SATC DVDs all over again.

Also heading our way in August, comes a spin on "My Super Sweet 16," the show in which bratty kids from all over the country are thrown ridiculously extravagant sweet 16 birthday parties by their incredibly wealthy parents. This new show gets interesting when the brats that we've seen in past seasons are revisited, only this time, they're getting served!

"My Super Sweet 16: Exiled" will follow several of the show's former stars and give them a reality check by sending them to remote areas of the world like Africa and the frozen tundra of the Arctic Circle. Oh yeah, b*tches! Those catty divas are getting what they deserve! They will have to spend their time abroad with girls their own age to see how they live. Trust me, it ain't gonna be pretty. And I can hardly wait to watch!

That's a wrap.

2008-05-12T20:01:00.000-07:00

Here we go, it's the end of another year of bad decisions, blank stares and relationship vacations. The Hills season finale is finally here! Just about everyone got some screen time (the back of the head is Whitney) and it really felt great to see everyone one last time before the break. Be. Strong. Here we go!

Audrina is taking Justin Bobby's advice and looking into getting her own apartment. Her first stop is an open loft with an awesome wall of windows. Sober J.Bob is totally zen with life. He is actually making reasonable arguments about why Audrina should consider moving out. It's odd. Audrina has yet to talk to Lauren about possibly moving out. I see a heart-to-heart in her future. Could Lauren be saying goodbye to another roommate at the end of a season?

Spencer has taken up residence in casa Heidi and since she's still in Vegas, she probably doesn't mind too much. ShePratt offers to tell him where Heidi is and he "promises not to do anything crazy." Question: does anything Spencer ever promises to do end up coming to fruition? The answer, simply, is no. He's gonna screw things up royally for her. And he's taking ShePratt with him!

Heidi and Brent are taking a tour of the casino/hotel with Sam in an effort to reinvent the place. Heidi is the driving force behind this retooling and that's scary, but she does seem to be taking it seriously. I'm sure it's a lot easier to get work done when your psychotic boyfriend/fiance isn't constantly interrupting everything you're doing.

Lauren and Whitney talk about the sitch with Audrina and Whit suggests a "roommate dinner" to talk about any issues that are brewing among the girls. Kinda cheesy, but it's a good idea to at least talk to Audrina since Lauren never sees her. Apparently the guest house is like a whole other world.

The Pratts are hitting up Vegas. ShePratt totally screws Heidi and finds out where she is (via random phone call) and Spencer then drives right to the hotel, parks the car in the loading area (leaving ShePratt there by herself) and runs inside. He continues his jackassery by interrupting Heidi, Sam, Brent and some other dude and asks for "a word with" Heidi outside. I am embarrassed for Heidi right now. Speidi fight and Spencer admits that he wants them to get back together and Heidi yells at him for not loving her enough to understand that she's in an important meeting for her career. He then begs her to come back to LA with him. Cut to Heidi walking back to Brent and the boys just as they are leaving for the night. After Brent tells Heidi to get her sh*t together ("You only get one chance with Sam"), he leaves and now Heidi's alone with her head in her hands.

The "roommate dinner" idea fails because either Lauren didn't make the invite expressly clear to Audrina, or Audrina had other plans that she didn't mention to Lauren. As Lauren and Lo are making the meal, Audrina heads out on her own, leaving the girls bewildered. Lauren decides that they need to have a heart-to-heart. Duh, I called it.

Back in Vegas, Brent is waiting for Heidi to show up, but Sam pulls up and tells him they need to go. Brent tries calling one more time, to no avail, so they leave. What happens next will shock you: Heidi, Spencer and ShePratt riding down the escalator at the airport, getting ready to head back to LA. I have too many problems with this scenario to even begin to list, but most important is why didn't she call Brent and explain or apologize for BEING AN IDIOT?!! Seriously? This girl better be getting fired.

Here comes the heart-to-heart. It starts out casually enough, but Audrina has been harboring some resentment towards Lauren and Lo and when that surfaces it comes as a real surprise to Lauren, who didn't realize that she had done anything wrong. Audrina says that she feels that Lo is pushing them apart, and Lauren starts to cry, since she and Lo are BFF. Obviously, Audrina isn't going to win in a battle over who gets to hang out with Lauren all the time, and it seems as if Audrina can't handle being second fiddle. Sadly, Lauren seems to know what has to happen next and walks out, back into her apartment with Lo.

At the same time, Speidi pull up to the old apartment. They BOTH go inside. It looks like the dramatic (read: ridiculous) gesture worked for Heidi. Maybe she just needed to know just how crazy Spencer was before she got back together with him. They're both insane.

And that's it. Another season over. I'll also be watching the Hills live after show because apparently they are going to play a sneak peak "shocking" trailer for season four.

UPDATE: Shocking? Definitely not. Same ol' sh*t, different day? Sounds about right. Lauren enters the dating scene again; Audrina and Lo have a confrontation about the whole Lauren thing; Scary lady talks to Whitney about moving to NYC; Spencer vows never to speak with ShePratt again after he throws her a bday party (she invited Lauren); and blank stares aplenty! Oh, and it starts in AUGUST! What?! That's insane - we hardly have to wait at all!

JJ Mayiston

2008-05-12T03:51:00.000-07:00

I'm gone for just 10 days and this happens....

It's a weird pairing to me. What do you think?

Now, just pretend you don't hate each other...

2008-05-05T19:49:00.000-07:00

First, a quick note about the Rolling Stone cover featuring the ladies of The Hills. Have you all seen this yet? I read it one day while perusing some merchandise at a local bookstore (I didn't buy it, so sue me). The article was fine, whatever, no new revelations or anything. But what is interesting is that all the girls were present at the same time for the shoot. Lauren and Heidi were apparently on "best behavior" during. The cover pic they choose is weird. Lauren isn't even looking at the camera and Whitney is practically falling down. Plus, there's Heidi. Ugh. What is this, Maxim? Give me a break with the sex kitten stuff, Heidi. We don't want to see your duck lips pouting anymore. Enough is enough! And on to the recap...

Another day at work for Bolthouse Industries. Heidi approaches Brent about relocating to another Bolthouse office. Brent dishes her some serious BS about being actively involved in a hotel/casino in Vegas. Code for: move to Vegas and pretend to work for us to get us more publicity! Nice work, Montag.

Those b*tches have their own pool! Lo and Lauren are sunning themselves and Audrina comes out to tell them how she's hanging out with Alkaline Trio. She politely invites them to come and see her for a bit in the afternoon and Lo clearly hates this idea because her face looks like she just ate a lemon. Hates it. PS. Alkaline Trio? Gimme a break, Audrina.

Sweet, Alkaline Trio are recording their album and Audrina and her work friend are pretending to be into it. Lauren and Lo stay for about 5 seconds. I don't really blame them. The music sucks and they are just standing there awkwardly. So Lo pouts until she gets to leave and go get some food. While they are eating sushi they talk about how it's hard to talk to Audrina. It's clear that Lo is the new Audrina. I'll go ahead and say it: good riddance!

ShePratt heads over to Heidi's place and gets the word on Heidi's new job. ShePratt feels sorry for her bro because "they are perfect for each other," which may be true since I don't know two other terrible people that I'd like to fix either of them up with. But mostly it's because if Heidi leaves then ShePratt will be stuck with him! That would suck for her. Heidi makes ShePratt promise not to tell Spencer. That's not happening. Duh. She practically texts him while they're still talking.

OMG! A puppy! She's adorable, as all puppies are. The shocker comes when Lo says that "in puppy school, she's gonna be like, 'I have TWO mommies'" and Audrina looks as if she will burst into tears.

I can't recap this next scene because I hate Spencer so much, but basically ShePratt tells Spencer to "stop being such a jerk and eating all our steak" (OK, that's from Napoleon Dynamite) and move out. He continues to call HER pathetic (wow) and tell her that he can't wait to move out. Well, you've waited quite a bit already, now haven't you? He's the worst.

J.Bob's in the house! He's talking coherently and it's throwing me off. It looks like Audrina is feeling awkward living there and J.Bob convinces her to look into other places.

Oh Lord. Brent and that other Bolthouse dude pull up to the PLANE (as in on the runway) and take off to Vegas. Meanwhile, Spencer pulls up to the old apartment with a duffle bag only to find that Heidi's not there. Oh snap. This is awesome. He's sad. He calls ShePratt to see what the dealio is and I will admit that I'm surprised (and delighted) that ShePratt didn't tell him that Heidi was leaving. And you know that he's heading to Vegas...

Next week: Season finale!! Guess who's going to Vegas to ruin Heidi's life AND her job?! He's an awesome guy, huh? Audrina talks to Lauren about Lo breaking up their friendship. Lauren cries. I will be tuning in.

Will you be my boyfriend?

2008-04-28T19:57:00.000-07:00

It took Lo and Lauren about 5 seconds to find and buy a house. They take Audrina there to show her around and let her know she'll be staying in the guest house. She seems cool with it, but it's kind of weird.

Lauren and Lo dish over lunch about Stephen Coletti (LC's old flame from Laguna Beach), who's in town for the weekend. He might make an appearance at the housewarming. Lo is super excited!

Cut to a coffee house where Spencer is sitting by himself on the couch. When ShePratt shows up she says, "You're always here..." and that's just sad. He's pathetic. ShePratt breaks the news that she's going to Lauren's housewarming party. Spencer doesn't take it well, obviously, and acts like a jerk.

It's the night of the housewarming party and the ladies are prepping for the guests. As they talk about who was invited, Audrina gets super defensive when Lauren asks her to "rewind" and tell her about Justin Bobby. The previews make it out to look like Lauren thinks that it's weird that Audrina invited J.Bob, when in fact, with the entire scene shown, it's only that she's curious about how often they've been hanging out. I think that J.Bob has already brain-washed Audrina into thinking that it's no one's business when they hang out. But the thing is, when you live with 2 of your good girlfriends, they are going to want to know about your boyfriend. So, you'd better be prepared to talk about him! I doubt that this living situation thing is going to last.

Party time! Brody is there with the new gf, Cora! He brought a juicer...it's awkward.

ShePratt tells Heidi about wanting to go to Lauren's party. Heidi freaks out and starts spouting off about "loyalty" and "being shady" and sounds exactly like Spencer. ShePratt finally feels guilty enough to hang out with Heidi instead of going to Lauren's party. It's kind of sad, but at the same time, she and Lauren can't realistically be good friends, so I'm fine with it.

Minus a point for Lo who says, "Brody's girlfriend's very pretty, with very large breasts." OK....ummmm, that may be true, but don't say it right to Lauren's face as if she still doesn't love Brody! What was she thinking?! Stephen arrives (chewing gum like a cow chews cud) and they set the scene with Leona Lewis' Bleeding Love (that songs rules!). Stephen finds Lauren and seriously won't stop chomping on the gum. It's sort of awkward, because the gum is a complete giveaway that he's nervous. If only he had come in the party all confident - Lauren would have fallen right back in love with him. Hmmm, I never thought I would say this, but Stephen could take some pointers from Justin Bobby. Not on the attire (I hope that picture is available for this post! *Update: It wasn't. Stupid MTV.), but on the confidence. He walks in like he owns the place, and it obviously makes Audrina fall back in love with him.

Audrina and JB talk about the drama that will inevitably come back into the picture if they start hanging out again. Chill out with worrying about it, dude! He gets so upset that people want to know about him. Stephen seems to have calmed down and he and Lauren catch up a bit. Lauren says, "You know when you go home and you just feel so comfortable? I just want this home to feel like that" and he totally doesn't get it, and says something about decorating it and making it "Lauren-esque" and it's not even about that. It's about wanting to go home and see the people that you live with and not feel uncomfortable in your own place. With Audrina there, it's awkward and forced now. Not homey at all. She forgives him enough to talk about a future lunch together.

Looks like lunch has turned into a dinner date! Lauren is super fancy in her drapey gown (from her own fashion line??) and Stephen shows up wearing a hoodie. Nice. At least he's stopped with the gum. Well, well...we've got some Daughtry in the background ("Feels Like Tonight" eh?) and they are dining at a nice Italian restaurant. They start talking about how everyone (Lo and their moms) was giving them a hard time about hanging out with each other that night. Then Stephen busts out with the rhetorical, "Can't I just hang out with a good friend and have it just be platonic?" Lauren looks devastated. Whatever, they are both in denial. They both want to date the other one, they just don't want to admit it! Flirty smirks are exchanged in the car on the way home. Just stop the charade!

Lo's back in my good graces, because she's such the curious friend and it's impossible not to laugh at how nosey and curious she is about Lauren and Stephen's date. Lauren admits that it was good to see him, but that it feels like high school when they're together. And Lo says, "Well maybe one day it will work out and you'll get married. Because that's what I really want!!" Lo is the best cast member on this show. Period.

Next time: Lauren gets a PUPPY! ShePratt kicks Spencer out! Audrina thinks about moving out! And Heidi kicks it to Vegas with Brent Bolthouse! Don't miss it!

I'm gonna be sick

2008-04-28T17:38:00.000-07:00

OMG. What is THIS?! First, they are invited to the the White House Correspondents' Association Dinner (no joke) and now they are scheduling photo ops in DC?! This has got to stop!! The saddest thing about Speidi is that all of their photos are so staged. Even if other "celebs" tip off the paparazzi to their whereabouts, they at least act like they are surprised to see them there. Spencer and Heidi have pose-offs with each other that look completely ridiculous. I don't get it, and I don't get them.

PS. WHY are they still together?!?!

PPS. Heidi needs to quit with the high-waisted shorts. ASAP.

That's not true.

2008-04-21T20:01:00.000-07:00

Yeah. It's an old photo. But I can't stand to look at Heidi's new face anymore, so deal with it. On to the recap!

While folding clothes, Whitney and Lauren dish about Audrina and Heidi hanging out. Lauren's not down with Heidi hanging out in her old apt, and it seems like its putting a strain on her current roommate sitch. Anyway, the girls are back together AGAIN at People's Revolution working for Satan herself.

Lo's back and they're all going out! Lo makes a huge faux paus and says, "Maybe ShePratt will bring Heidi!" Stone-faced by both Audrina and Lauren. Apparently they are not in the mood to joke about this serious matter.

Heidi has a closet full of hooker clothes and especially hooker shoes. She looks so cheap now. She is excited about possibly running into Lauren at the club because she's delusional and doesn't realize that Lauren is actually mad at her.

Enter the club and both sets of girls are in separate areas. Lauren leaves to get some champagne and Heidi pounces!! Heidi has just seen Justin Bobby (!!!!) and needs to tell Audrina right away that he's in the club. So, she heads over and tells Audrina that she will keep him away from her. Then, Lauren comes back to find that Heidi's all up in her spot. THEN, Justin Bobby shows up and Heidi stands up and says, "Hey Justin!" and scoots over so he can sit next to Audrina! This right after Audrina told Heidi that she has been trying really hard to get over him. Heidi is just a crappy friend and she doesn't even realize it.

Heidi is so desparate for friends, she's chatting up Justin Bobby and telling him about how her and Audrina were friends before Lauren and Audrina. Yeah, uhh, we all get it. You've told us a thousand times! Lauren can hear all this (since she's only 2 people away) and she gets up to leave. She and Lo head out and Audrina gets cozy with J.Bob. Trouble.

Did you all watch the Fresh Takes episode?? "Hello, Hot Toddy, anyone?!"

Lo and Lauren talk about getting a "house for all the girls" because Lauren needs to get out of the apartment. They talk about inviting Audrina to live with them and Lauren will ask Audrina when she gets back from dinner with JUSTIN BOBBY. To quote Lo, "That's not true!" But, I guess it is true. And Lo responds with an even better quote, "Maybe Audrina will bring Heidi AND Justin Bobby to the new house! ... (shaking finger) That's not allowed."

Oh, man. First J.Bob quote of the night:
Audrina - "Mmmm, you smell good!"
J.Bob - "Really? I haven't showered in weeks."

You have been missed, JB. JB has moved closer to the beach, getting his priorities in check. Uhh...JB seems almost coherent. This is too weird. He's actually looking Audrina in the eye and having a decent conversation. I'm so confused!

Surprise! Spencer's hanging out at the apartment alone watching TV. Heidi arrives to see ShePratt and she tries to cover and ask Spencer how he's doing. He doesn't buy it and she gets uncomfortable. She tells him how Lauren was "icy" to her the other night and he has no sympathy for her at all. Shocking. He's such a loser. Heidi stays for about 2 minutes and then leaves because that's about how long it takes for Spencer to anger anyone to the point of wanting to be in a different room.

OK, the next scene takes place at a restaurant - Lo and Lauren are lunching and waiting for Audrina to arrive. They say funny things and Lo is officially my favorite cast member. I hope they do get a house because then she'd probably be in every episode and that's good TV, people. When Audrina gets there it gets SUPER awkward and Audrina gets defensive about J.Bob and the mention of moving into a new house. And this is where I yell at the TV, "Stop the charade! You had a great run, but things are changing. If you get a house together it will only destroy the friendship!" But, of course, Audrina accepts the invitation to move in and it's incredibly awkward because now Audrina feels like the odd-man-out. This is not going to be pretty.

Next week: House hunting! House warming parties! Justin Bobby gets a haircut! AND Stephen from Laguna Beach returns which "warms Lo's little black heart!"

Gracie and Gabbie

2008-04-21T15:41:00.000-07:00

Gracie and Gabbie week one. Gracie hates Gabbie, can't you tell? Note Andrew's hand forcing Gracie to cuddle Gabbie and the very sad look on our normally very happy dog's face.

Gabbie's second bath. She hates it. She looks like a drowned rat. Look at her huge nose and her ears.

Gabbie loves to play with Gracie. And Gracie is warming up to her. I think Grace likes having the company when we're not at the house.

Here is a picture of Gabbie posing. She's pretty cute.

I apologize for the lousy formatting. You guys are welcome to fix it or just leave it be - Clearly, I chose to leave it be.

A Tearful Goodbye

2008-04-18T11:50:00.000-07:00

This week marked the end of a marvelous TV show - Rob & Big. Big moved out because he had to make a home for his new baby. Rob was completely surprised to hear the news, as Big so eloquently put it: "A little lavender, a little lovin', Now you got a little Big in the oven." Funny.

I'm not sure who decided to have a camera crew follow these two around, but it was a great decision. I almost shed a tear when Big drove off last night. Who knew I could care so much about a little skater dude and his humongo body guard?

Jessica's Gonna Lose It!

2008-04-16T07:33:00.000-07:00

Oh, man. Not only is little Ashlee Simpson getting married soon - but apparently, it'll be a shotgun weddin', y'all! She's preggers. Her fiance Pete Wentz initially denied the rumors in such a way that I almost think that he didn't even know Ashlee was prego.

"There is a witch hunt for people to be pregnant whenever they get engaged in Hollywood," he wrote to MTV News Monday. "This is all news to me. I can't wait for the story about how I'm really in a gay relationship and this is all just a cover ... I mean really, this is crazy ... I mean we're engaged, that's true, and happy about it."

Wow. So, not only did he not know about the bun in the oven, but apparently he's trying to hide a gay relationship? Why did that come up? Do you think the interviewer was like, "Wait, what?" And then Pete said, "I mean, uhhhh...gotta go!!"

Maybe there's a "witch hunt" in Hollywood for pregnancies because EVERYONE in Hollywood is pregnant right now. Seriously. And the typical "first comes love, then comes marriage, blah, blah baby carriage" rhyme doesn't always fly in H-wood. I'm happy for Ashlee and Pete (I guess), but I think it's tacky to flat out lie about a pregnancy and try and blame reporters for making up stories.

"How can you love and hate someone so much at the same time?"

2008-04-14T19:42:00.000-07:00

Ah. The eternal question. I've often asked myself the same thing while simultaneously enjoying an episode of The Hills and wanting to strangle all of the girls for acting so stupid. I guess some questions must go unanswered!

We begin in familiar territory: Heidi is begging Audrina to be her friend and join her for "Girls Night Out." You can tell that Audrina doesn't really want to go, but she says yes anyway. Mistake #1. Mistake #2 would be actually going, instead of just pretending to get sick or something. Regardless, they are at S Bar and lo and behold, Spencer himself shows up! I wonder who could have told him? Hmmm...perhaps his current roommate/sister who, for some strange reason, hasn't kicked him out of her apartment yet. Long story short, Spencer flirts with a couple girls at the bar and Heidi looks like she's gonna cut a b*tch. After about 3 TV minutes (probably 2 hours in real life), Heidi confronts Spencer and they have an argument about whether or not Spencer was really flirting and whether or not they are still together. Heidi gets so mad that she says, "I'm about to cry," to which I must argue that your face probably doesn't produce natural tears anymore, so your crying days are over.

Lauren heads to People's Revolution and you can tell from the first minute she's in there that she's scared to death of Kelly Cutrone. She doesn't even want to see her at all. I can't really blame her, since I am frightened to death of her and there's an entire TV world separating us. Anyway, after initially berating her slow progress, KC tells Lauren that she will need her for the runway show tomorrow. Oh, and I think I might have a new least favorite minor character (your days are over, Work Friend) - Jessica from People's Revolution. Uhm, how dumb is she? Seriously, I can't even imagine how she has lasted this long working for Cutrone! She doesn't strike me as someone willing to give people a second chance. Anyway, Jessica always looks as if she has no clue what anyone is talking about.

Work Friend (she's baaack!) and Heidi have a heart to heart about the terrible night before. This is when Heidi mutters, "How can you love and hate someone so much at the same time?" to which Eric (who was making fun of the show most of the time) responded: "I want people to be afraid of how much they love me." Great, Heidi is the next Michael Scott! Heidi ends up calling Spencer to come over and talk and all they do is fight about whether or not they are actually still together. You'd think that they could come to a decision about this, but it doesn't seem that they do. It's Ross and Rachel all over again!!

The fashion show (which was attended by Kirstie Alley!) goes great and the girls get some praise from Cutrone. She calls Whit a "b*tch is training" and she offers Lauren a job on the spot. Lauren is genuinely surprised, but accepts the offer, to which Cutrone responds, "We plan on making some major changes in our LA office." Cut to Jessica, mouth agape, who maybe senses that someone might have said something that could involve her...but probably not. She's so outta there.

Just one episode tonight girls, which I will say, is a relief. Recapping those one hour eps is time-consuming!

Next week: 2 words. Justin Bobby. See you then.

Greatest picture ever

2008-04-12T10:48:00.001-07:00

How is this not framed in all of our houses?

2008-04-11T06:48:00.000-07:00

This is my upset face

2008-04-08T16:53:00.000-07:00

So, I just finished watching the newest episodes of The Hills, and I really only have one question: Why did the fighting start in the first place?

Seriously, no one has ever come out and said that they were to blame for anything, so it's all just hearsay, and that means that no one's on the same page. Heidi still thinks that Lauren's mad at her because of Spencer. Well, yes...but mostly, no. Heidi was the one who moved out and started to ignore Lauren as a friend. But the straw that broke the camel's back was the infamous sex tape rumor, which Lauren believes was started by Spencer and Heidi. Spencer was definitely at fault, and while Heidi might not have started it, she didn't do anything to stop him from spreading it. So, there. That's why they are fighting. And all the auxiliary people who are in on it, are only "fighting" because they are trying to stay loyal to their friends. And, in this case, that means everyone sided with Lauren because, really, who wants to be friends with someone who will do something that terrible to a person? Not me!

So, in this episode we see just how pissed Spencer and Heidi can get at ShePratt for hanging out with Lauren...plus, how confused Audrina, Lo and Brody are that Lauren has decided to be friends with the devil's sister. In all honesty, I have to side with Lauren's friends on this one. Even if ShePratt isn't a terrible person, she has so much baggage that comes along with being her friend. For one thing - she's Spencer's sister. For another - she's good friends with Heidi. So really, Lauren, how can you think that it will be easy for you two to be friends? It's only going to end badly.

Other than that, I only have a few other things to say about the first episode:
• "Operation Win Heidi Back" - Spencer's new plan...sounds awesome.
• Heidi's new fake self is scary looking.
• I think that Heidi is keeping the apt. because Spencer doesn't have a job and hence, can't afford it.
• ShePratt has hideous hair - it's mostly the bangs I have a problem with.
• Brody admitted to having a new girlfriend - Cora.

The next episode opens at People's Revolution. I have a revelation for ya - Kelly Cutrone looks like the grim reaper. She is no makeup, no hair brushing, all black, all business, all the time. She scares me. I don't think I could handle her. Props to Whitney for either being tougher than I thought she was or too naive to know that she's crossed over the to dark side.

Lauren wants to know about Whit's job at PR and when she finds out that she's working backstage at shows, Lauren gets a little taste of life after Teen Vogue. Then, when she goes to meet up with Whit for lunch, she winds up helping her out during a busy time of day. Looks like PR will need some help during Fashion Week, and Lauren is the girl for the job! Earlier Whitney had recalled Lauren's first run in with Cutrone, and surprise, KC was kind of a biyatch. And yet, Lauren's all about working for her now. Why do these girls do such stupid things?

In other parts of the Hills, Heidi and ShePratt head out to a new club for girls night and run into Audrina who's there with friends from work. It's fine, they are in different parts of the club, only when all of Audrina's friends ditch her at the same time, Heidi figures it's an invite to go talk to her. It's an awkward convo. Heidi basically cops to being lonely and missing her friends. Audrina doesn't really say anything except that Heidi should learn how to keep her girlfriends when she dates someone. The talk ends with Heidi essentially begging Audrina to call her and hang out. Seriously, she basically groveled at her feet. Not pretty.

After their awkward talk, Heidi figures that they're friends now, so she calls Audrina up to see if she can come over and pick up some of her stuff that she forgot when she moved out. It's a pathetic scene, with Heidi wanting to stay, but obviously realizing that it's too weird to be there since Lauren could show up at any time. And when Lauren does finally show up (don't worry, Heidi had left by then), Audrina breaks the news that Heidi was there and Lauren is pissed. She is still super mad at Heidi and poor Heidi only thinks it's because of something that Spencer did, which is probably why they'll never be able to work it out.

Next week: Lauren goes to work for PR and after a job well done, it looks like she gets a job offer. Plus, will Heidi and Spencer finally break up after Heidi sees him flirting with other women? We can only hope!!

I do blame Spencer

2008-04-07T18:21:00.001-07:00

We each need to order one of these.

I wonder if Heidi will.

An Awards Show for the Real World...REALLY?!

2008-04-07T17:52:00.001-07:00

It's time to end my unplanned hiatus from blogging. And what better way to do that than with a post about one of loves of my life: The Real World.

I bet you a dollar you can't name everyone in that picture off the top of your head. Bonus points if you can name the city they were in and the job they were assigned...

If you know me pretty well, then you know that there was a time in my life (circa JR year of college) that I really, really, really wanted to turn in my audition tape for the show. I even enlisted the help of Jenny and we wrote quite a nice audition song for my taping. It was to the tune of Jessica Simpson's "With You" and mentioned something about the real me being a southern girl with my Sevens on..... I know it's not American Idol, but if I was going to do it, I was going to do it big!

Needless to say, when it came crunch time and the tape needed to be made, I backed out. Anyway I say all that to say this, if there is anyone out there that has loved them some Real World, that she is me. But did MTV really think it was necessary to broadcast a TWO hour awards show in their honor? I'm not going to act like I didn't watch the show, because I did, but I watched it for the same reason you watch a train wreck - I was physically unable to peel my eyes away.

Sadly enough I had forgotten most of the roommates names (unless they are regulars on challenges or they are Coral, of which Coral is both) and sadly enough, I couldn't tell you what cities/seasons most of them were part of. And I for dang sure couldn't tell you much about their place in Real World History.

I have given many of week night to these people to watch what happens when people stop being nice and start being real but to save you the horror of watching the awards show (and I use the term awards loosely), I thought I'd recap for you:

1) Dunbar (Sydney) Steven(Las Vegas) and Kelly (New Orleans) were three roommates I remember not seeing and I say good for them!

2) Colie (Denver) won the "Playa" award

3) Johnny Bananas won the "Hottest Male" award

4)Coral won the "Roommate You Love to Hate" award and then promptly threw her award in the pool - best part of the show

There were probably more awards, but I don't really remember them....I think the Austin cast won for best season and I think Danny and Melinda won for love story or something like that.

Here is the sobering conclusion I came to at the end of the show: I think I'm done with The Real World. There, I said it. I am DONE.

The upcoming season will be the 20th season and I think it will be the first season in years that I have no interest in. I was all of 5 when this crazy experiement with seven strangers started and now, at 25, I'm finally ready to move-out of the RW house!

You Learn Something New Every Day

2008-04-06T15:41:00.001-07:00

What I learned today:

Hangers can be particularly useful in getting dog food out from under the washer and dryer.

Stuck In My Head

2008-04-02T12:57:00.000-07:00

I've had this song stuck in my head all day because it's awesome! You better check it out!

Bleeding Love by Leona Lewis

I must give credit where credit it due... my friend Joy introduced me to this song and I can't thank her enough. It makes me wanna dance!

Please don't give up on The Hills

2008-03-31T20:14:00.000-07:00

Episode 1 - Life back in LA!:

Audrina and Lauren play catch up after a super-happy reunion! Boring. PS. Who is that guy in the photo above? His hair is AWESOME!

Whitney goes face to face with Lisa Love and tells her that she has another job offer. She was so professional, it was almost like I wasn't watching the Hills for a few minutes. Weird. Anyway, Whit has an interview at Kelly Cutrone for a stylist position. She could be leaving Teen Vogue!

Heidi's back at work and talks to Work Friend about Spencer. She wants Spencer to move out, but isn't it his apartment? She mentions that even though she wants him to go, she doesn't plan to date anyone else during the "break." I think we're going to get into a Ross-n-Rachel "we were on a break" situation.

Looks like Spencer's going to be staying with ShePratt! Good ol' siblings! Spencer mentions considering dating other people and it looks like we're in for some trouble.

Whitney heads to her interview with Kelly Cutrone at People's Revolution. Kelly's basically a biyatch. She is yelling at someone while Whit's waiting for her interview. Plus, her interview consists of Kelly talking at her about what People's Revolution does and why it's so cool. Um, yikes. Then she says, "You're basically making a deal with the devil" if you come to work for me. Meaning that Whitney will give up her life, "but get a brand new one." Oh, great. This is going to suck for Whit.

ShePratt spills the beans about Spencer wanting to date other people and Heidi tells her that she wasn't talking about something that drastic. But, instead of calling him to talk about it she just "wishes" that he won't do anything stupid. Probably going to come true, Heidi, just like all your other wishes about Spencer.

Lauren and Audrina head to the club and run into Brody and Frankie and immediately begin to fight. Lauren confronts him about having a new lady and he denies it. They yell and he leaves and then Frankie breaks it down for Lauren. Apparently they both love each other. It reminds me of a favorite line from Seinfeld when Kramer says to Jerry and Elaine, "Can't you two see...that you're in love with each other?!"

It's Lo!! She and Lauren are out for lunch and talk about the Brody situation. It is very Sex and the City of them. Lo says some very Carrie-like things.

Spencer is over at the apartment and moving out and Heidi has a duck-face. I can't even concentrate on what was said...she was "sad" looking and her duck face was extremely prominent.

Whit's basically crying about leaving Teen Vogue. It's sad to see her leave. I don't know how the hell Lauren's going to survive without her!

Episode 2 - ShePratt and a smile:

Lauren and ShePratt have class together. Oh the look on ShePratt's face - priceless and staged. Wouldn't ShePratt notice something's up before she saw Lauren...because of all the CAMERAS??!! Maybe she thought she was going to be starring in this episode. Delusional...

Whitney's over at Kelly Cutrone and it's craziness. Shows, shows, shows! Oh, they are SOO busy. Whitney will probably be working until 3 am. Whitney helps out with some great advice and it seems as if the designers love her.

Back in class ShePratt apologizes to Lauren. They are well on their way to being BFFs!

Whit is in charge at the fashion show and I'm surprised at how good she does. Kelly asks the designers how she did last night and they vouch for her. Some people get out of order and it seems tense, but at the end people seem to be happy. High fives all around!

I love when cameras catch Spencer alone somewhere and he dazed and staring down at the floor. He and ShePratt have a heart to heart. Spencer doesn't trust her enough to share his feelings. Oh, and he still calls Lauren "LC." Wake up, Spencer, it's Lauren now.

ShePratt (hippie-chick, nice head band, btw) and Lauren share lunch and dish about Spencer. Is it bad that I like ShePratt? She is bitching about living with Spencer and totally doggin' on Speidi. I wonder if she's just weaving a web of lies (but really truths) to lure Lauren into a false friendship.

Listen, you guys have to keep watching The Hills. If you stop then how am I going to justify writing these hella-long recaps? At least promise to read the recaps, then.

The Return of The Hills!

2008-03-24T20:45:00.000-07:00

Mariah Carey and the Hills?! Bonjour!

The girls arrive in Paris and squeal with delight at the cold weather and the Eiffel tower. Ooh la la. First stop: ball gowns! Never mind the itinerary...that could come back to bite them later.

Cut to Heidi in Colorado skiing with her mom and having a heart to heart about Spencer over hot cocoa.

French hip hop music! The girls grab their dresses first and, of course, when they get to the shoe store, it's closed. Whitney starts to lose it and Lauren seems to think it'll be fine. Lisa Love has a heart of gold, why wouldn't she forgive them?

ShePratt comes over to Speidi's apt and sees that Spencer (and the apartment) is falling apart. Quote of the episode goes to ShePratt, "Why don't you write a list of everything you've ever done and then do the opposite?" I think he should include the brilliant idea he just had in the list: head to CO and find Heidi on the mountain.

So, MTV is trying out these mini-episodes instead of commercials. Alicia Keys is in them with two other girls who I've never heard of before. I don't know whether or not they will run these things like a series, but I guess it's better than commercials. I just fast forward through them anyway, so who cares?

Lauren and Whitney get geared up for the day...shoes and fashion shoots! Viva La France!

Spencer rolls into Colorado and Heidi's dad greats him with, "What the heck are you doing here?" Awesome. Apparently she's not answering calls from Spencer.

It's Kimball! He's in France and bossing peeps around. What is the deal with this ball, anyway? Who are these "debutantes?" and why does Teen Vogue care about them? Just forget it, because then Lauren gets a phone call from Audrina who tells her that Brody was out with another girl that night. Here's the deal. She's being a good friend, but in my opinion, a great friend would have waited until she got home from Paris to tell her that. Now she's going to be thinking about that the entire time she's in Paris and Lisa Love will probably figure that out and put her on a plane herself! Whitney comes up with a great plan to find new guys in Paris

OK, back to CO and I have to ask, does Heidi's face look weird? It's like her fake nose and lips are a different color that the rest of her face because of the cold. Is it just me?! She looks ridiculous!! Anyway, back to the reunion of Speidi! Heidi pretty much refuses to talk to him, saying that she doesn't know what to say. I wonder if he'll have the balls to ask to stay at her parents house overnight!

Whit and Lauren head out to meet some guys from a band who they met in LA. Surprise, surprise, they are skuzz-tastic. Unruly facial hair and jewelry a-plenty! One of the skuzzers is making eyes at Lauren and offers to take her (and the group) to the Eiffel Tower. They head to get some champagne first and then catch the light show at the Tower. I will admit, it looks cool. I've never been to Paris, so I'm jealous. But I would probably edit out any skuzzers during my trip.

[Preview comment: The movie "Baby Mama" starring Tina Fey and Amy Poehler looks pretty funny. I think those two are hilarious. Basically, Tina's a woman who wants a baby and Amy's a baby mama who will carry a baby for her. Simple enough premise, but I bet they make it funny.]

As Lauren insults Brody in French, she gets a text from Skuzz saying they are hitting a club. Lauren has nothing to wear out to a fancy club and Whitney jokingly suggests that she has a ball gown and Lauren has lost her mind enough to think she's serious. So, not only does she decide to wear it, but she will also be sewing it! SEWING. Needle and thread, my friends. I am pretty damn sure that they are borrowing these gowns and I don't know how she thinks she'll get away with this!

Awkward silence envelops the room as Spencer decides to dine out with the Montag clan. That's ballsy. I bet he does ask to stay with them for the night. He would. He's getting death stares from ALL of the family and decides to make some small talk about the weather. Heidi decides to make a toast about her parents - and only her parents - and it's the first time she seems to be standing up for herself. I'll admit that it seems somewhat forced and silly, but I also think that it's probably the only way she knows to communicate with him. They have an argument in front of her parents about why he came out to CO and I stand behind Heidi because she is actually making sense. I never thought I'd say that!

Lauren is steppin' out in her sewn dress and I'm scared to friggin' death that she's going to spill something on it. What is wrong with her?! So, a debutante escort is making the moves on Lauren and Skuzz is looking pretty jealous. The escort is gross and dancing like an idiot. Lauren is obviously more into the Skuzzer (who, I will admit is much less gross than the escort guy) and they flirt about some stupid things, I don't know. Anyway, they leave and skuzzer runs out to say a proper goodbye before they go. He wants to go out for a drink before they leave for good. OK, so he's growing on me, whatever. He is still wearing skinny jeans and that I just can't forgive.

[Commercial comment: What is up with the trailer for The Ruins that included part of the Hills in it? The trailer voiceover guy starts out saying "Two friends, Lauren and Whitney, head to Paris...and in another part of the world four friends will blah, blah, blah movie promo..." What?! That's a bit extreme, advertisers!]

Oh God. There's a stain on the dress. No, it's a burn from the curling iron! They call the guy from Alberta Ferretti and he says he can get her another dress. That seems easy enough. I was hoping that they'd have to shell out some cash for a replacement dress. No dice. We'll see if Kimball notices the dress is different!

Speidi finally talk one on one and after a brief hint at a breakup, they decide to move out of the apartment. They will live apart, but I can't tell if they're broken up.

The girls arrive at the ball and Lauren's dress is a different dress, but no one's saying anything for now. On with the ball. It's like a prom fashion show or something, with really fancy designing. After the ball, Kimball and Whitney talk it out and Whit admits that she'd probably be happier doing more styling, and he suggest that she explore that...and wait...did she just get fired? Whitney seems unsure herself after he says it. But Lauren comes back just in time to get a phone call from Skuzz to see if she will go on a midnight motorcycle ride through Paris with him. And when she agrees, she ruins not only her hair in the helmet, but probably the second designer dress in two days. Excellent. Seems innocent enough. he drops her at the hotel and she says to call her when he goes to LA. This might not be the last of Skuzzer!!

In the Paris hotel the girls talk about leaving and Whitney admits that she's ready for a change. Will she be leaving Teen Vogue?

Now everyone says their goodbyes. Spencer leaves Heidi in CO and Whit and Lauren leave Paris for LA. That's it!

This season on The Hills: Whitney quits. Brody's new girlfriend. Lo. Stephen. Spencer. Justin Bobby. ShePratt. Heidi. Audrina. And that was awesome! Oh, I can't wait. This has been a mega-long recap, but it was an hour long episode. If you read the whole thing, then hooray for you. And I'll see ya next week!

I'm Not Watching

2008-03-18T16:31:00.000-07:00

I am declaring it right here, right now. I will not be watching Dancing With The Stars this season. I just can't do it. I watched the past 3 seasons and I can't put that much time into a show anymore. It's not even as if I'm too busy to watch. I'm not. But it's a show that requires a lot of time to watch. Typically 3 hours a week spread over 2 days. Well, I'm sorry DWTS, but I can't do it anymore.

Mostly, my reasons for this decision are because the cast is totally lame this season. With the exception of Steve Guttenberg, who is only a good pick because, uh, where has been been all these years?! The mystery will finally be solved. But I don't care enough to watch and find out because I'm sure I'll get sucked in to the show if I tune in for even an hour. So, I won't be watching a single minute.

Hot Mess Tranny Fierceness

2008-03-10T10:26:00.000-07:00

Watch this. It's funny...if you like Project Runway.

That was close!

2008-03-03T10:08:00.000-08:00

I was in the midst of a crisis earlier this morning. I forgot my chapstick! Maybe you don't know, but I have chapstick with me all the time. My lips are used to it, it's a full blown addiction. Can I just tell you the fear that crept into my body when I realized I'd forgotten it? It was horrifying. I immediately had to strategize how to either get my original tube back or find a new one. Call Eric at home and have him bring it on his way up to campus? It seemed a little extreme, but don't think I didn't consider it.

I finally decided that I would have to buy something else for today (and create a backup chapstick...why am I only just now thinking of this?!). So, out I went to White Market, a little independent drug/grocery store fairly close to the Theater. That place is pretty cool - they have a bunch of stuff, just not a ton of varieties of it, which is why I had to compromise and buy the Classic type of chapstick instead of the Moisturizer type. Sometimes we have to make sacrifices, ya know? It was my best option. I paid $1.92 for that little miracle tube and I would have gladly paid $20.

Confessions of an Idol Watcher

2008-02-28T06:07:00.000-08:00

American Idol is back and yet again I've been sucked into watching it. And let me tell you something, I'm loving every minute of it. Well, maybe not last night because most of the girls were terrible. What I'm saying is that I watch American Idol and I'm okay with telling people that. So I thought I would throw out my top contestants and maybe convince you girls to watch. Go here to see their pictures.

Top Boys

David Archuleta: He's only 17 and when he talks his voice sounds crazy, but he's awesome. I literally almost cried when he sang Imagine this week. I can't believe I just wrote that on our blog. My devotion to AI is true. Anyway, my prediction is that he will be in the finals.
Michael Johns: I've heard on the radio that all the girls love this guy. He is cute and I guess the best word I can think to describe him is believable. He seems like a guy that would be fun to know. I want to hear him sing some Coldplay.
David Cook: This guy is this season's Chris Daughtry, but a little more low key. I like him, but I'm not sure exactly why.

Those are my top three. Jason Castro and David Hernandez will do pretty well, but they are not finals bound. Jason has the Jack Johnson vibe going and David can flat out sing.

Top Girls
Syesha Mercado: She is easily one of the most striking contestants. And she seems to have a fun personality. She can definitely sing and I wouldn't be surprised if she were in the finals, or at least the Top Five.
Brooke White: She sang You're So Vain last night and it was my favorite performance. She has also used a guitar and a keyboard in two separate performances and I have to give it to anyone that can play an instrument (and play well) and sing at the same time. That is one skill that certainly escapes me.

And that's it for the girls. I pretty much dislike everyone else. I wouldn't be a good feminist because if I had to pick between listening to music by guys for the rest of the my like and music by girls, I would choose guys without hesitation.

Sidenote: After watching American Idol on Tuesday night, Brant and I sat on the couch and karaoked with onDemand. Tiny Dancer was in the tune of Tim McGraw.. what the hell? My rendition of Bennie and the Jets was pretty spot on.

Project Runway: Heidi's Hilarious

2008-02-21T15:52:00.000-08:00

Almost all Reunion Shows are duds. I usually don't look forward to them at all. I can't say that I was especially looking forward to last night's Project Runway Reunion Show, either. But boy, was I pleasantly surprised! I'll tell you why: Heidi Klum. She is funny. Not like a comedian is funny, but like how you find that the things that little kids do are funny - because they don't know any better. They have no censor. Heidi is sort of like that. Last night's quote: "Victorya's always been a little cold, no?" Said right in front of Victorya! Cut to Victorya - STONE COLD. All in all the show was OK. Heidis' remarks made it enjoyable, and the fact that Christian was awarded fan favorite was nice, since he also cracks me up (ie: Ferocia Coutura, fierce, ohmygod, etc.). But it was just filler until next week's episode where we get to see at least Rami and Chris's 3 designs! My money's on Rami. And I actually think that Jillian will make a strong showing to become the winner. Any other predictions??

Hey Leprosy

2008-02-20T10:42:00.001-08:00

Will, you asked for it...and now you're gonna get it! (The song, not the disease, that is)

Hey, Leprosy

Take em' to Springdale

2008-02-12T18:40:00.000-08:00

It seems NWA has been hit with a new growth and this one ain't fiscal...According to local news reports, there have been NINE reported cases of leprosy in Springdale during the past week. Hey-I can't make this stuff up, but if you don't believe me here's a link to one of the stories:

Leprosy Outbreak

So, as you can see, you should stay out of Springdale if at all possible, or else you might catch the leprosy...ok, I know like 95% of people are immune to it, but what if you were in that other 5%? It'd suck to be you.

Since leprosy seems to be the hot topic up in NWA, my boss decided she would pen a diddy to warn those in our area of the potential wildfire spread of leprosy. I wish so badly I could take credit for this masterpiece, but I've gotta give credit where credit is due.

Enjoy!

(To the tune of JTim's SexyBack)

I'm bringing leprosy back

Them other lepers don't know how to act

I think you're infected, what’s that on your back

So turn around and i'll pick off your scab.

Take em' to Springdale…

[Bridge]

Oozing, babe You see these lesions

Baby, don’t be afraid

I think some armadillo misbehaved

And now my dermis never felt this way

Take em' to the colony…

[Chorus]

Come here girl

Go ahead, be gone with it

Don’t touch my back

Go ahead, be gone with it

Lep-ro-sy

Go ahead, be gone with it

Bacteria on me

Go ahead, be gone with it

Let me see what you're working with

Go ahead, be gone with it

Scabs on those hips

Go ahead, be gone with it

In quarantine a while

Go ahead, be gone with it

Come on, child

Go ahead, be gone with it

And get your leprosy on

Go ahead, be gone with it

Get your leprosy on

Go ahead, be gone with it

[X6] Get your leprosy on

I'm bringing leprosy back

Them other lepers don't know how to act

Come let me make up for the cure you lack

Cause your limb’s fallin off, I gotta get it fast

Take em' to the colony….

[Bridge]

[Chorus]

I'm bringing leprosy back

Them other lepers’ skin’s under attack

If that's your girl you better watch her back

Cause it’ll peel her skin off for me and that's a fact

Take em' to Springdale…

What's the fun in that??

2008-02-12T16:25:00.001-08:00

I used to love the snow. Mostly, I loved snow days. Playing in the snow got to be a bit ridiculous once I reached my teen years. But I would still look forward to forecasts of snow when I lived in Arkansas because it usually meant no school and possibly, no work! Those were good times.

Well, people in Michigan have their sh** together, I guess. Not once since I've moved here has the snow done me one bit of good. Up here, people are ready for the snow with snow blowers and snow plows and salt for sidewalks. There's hardly time for building snow men before the roads are cleared and sidewalks dusted with salt. Today, in fact, it snowed all day long. Sure, it was pretty, but in the back of my mind I'm thinking, "Ughh, I have to walk to the bus stop in a foot of snow...the buses will probably be running late...and I have to get up tomorrow morning and do the same thing because nothing ever closes due to snow up here!" I ask you, what's the fun in that?!

But you know who hates the snow even more than I do?

Sloane. She hates it. I obviously don't blame her for hating it, and she's got it 100x worse. She doesn't have the luxury of wearing shoes, so her tiny little paws get cold and snow packs in all the nooks. She typically manages about 10 feet before begging to be picked up when we go for her "business" walks. Today she wouldn't even do her business! I think we'll be paying for that later.

UGH

2008-02-12T05:05:00.000-08:00

I missed American Gladiators last night and I was kind of upset about it. That is what the writer's strike has done to me. When will it END??????

Not even Heidi's new video...

2008-02-05T18:19:00.001-08:00

...can bring either of you out of blogging retirement?! For shame. Have you seen this thing yet? I made it about a minute before I had to turn it off. If you haven't watched it yet, just google "humiliation" and I'm sure you'll find it at the top of youtube's home page. And that's saying quite a bit considering the content of most of youtube videos. I can't even begin to describe how embarrassed I am for her. My theory is that Spencer released it after he realized that she was never going to marry him. Granted, he is a weasel, but I think she should have just married him and saved herself the embarrassment of this headline, for instance: "You're No Paris Hilton." Burn.

PS. Ya'll had better get back on the blog!

Namaste

2008-01-30T16:11:00.000-08:00

There I am...doing yoga on top of a mountain. Well...I should be clear - that is not actually me. But I have started doing yoga! Close enough.

I asked for some yoga equipment for Christmas (a mat and a couple of blocks) and I am finally putting them to use. My goal is to get up early on Mon, Wed, Fri and do a 30 minute routine. So far this week, I've accomplished my goal.

What's great is that I found some awesome yoga programming on Comcast OnDemand. There's not only yoga, but also some cardio workouts and most are in the 20-30 minute range, which is perfect. And what's also nice about this workout is that I don't have to leave the house and face the bitter Michigan cold.

Basically, I'm feeling one with my chakras and in balance with the universe. It's pretty awesome. Namaste.