We're Back Bitches

Two babies and one totaled car later, we're back. Get ready. Bitches!

It's really real this time!

Well, this is it. The last episode featuring Lauren Conrad. Personally, I'm bummed about the switch to Kristen Cavalarri, because it sounds like it's going to be SO fake that even I won't be able to enjoy the guilty pleasure of it anymore. I'm debating whether or not I'll be back to blog the next season. But, I'm getting ahead of myself. First we have to say goodbye to Lauren and watch the Speidi wedding train wreck.

We begin with Lauren and Lo dishing about their final house party. They're moving out, but neither will say what's next. Lauren doesn't seem to know what she'll be doing, but she's moving out and that's that! They decide that everyone needs to come over one last time to say goodbye to the house.

Heidi is busying planning her princess wedding and she drops the bomb on She-Pratt that she's going to ask Holly to be her Maid of Honor. She-Pratt is pissed! On the other side of town, Spencer and Heidi's mom, Darlene, are out on a nice lunch date. It's a tad awkward to say the least, but Spencer starts in with apologizing pretty quick. Darlene is skeptical, with good reason, but Spencer tells her he's been going to therapy and that he's really changed. She caves and gives him her blessing. You can almost see the evil creeping through his eyes when he hears her say it. I think it's all an act!

Time for Heidi to get wild and crazy at her bachelorette party! Or...not. It's super tame and just a bunch of girls getting together to take quizzes and watch the bride open presents. Holly arrives 30 minutes late and then doesn't even write down the gifts that people got Heidi. Gasp! She-Pratt is livid that she isn't living up to her MOH duties.

Hey! It's Broday! Pulling double-duty...first, he has dinner with Lauren to try and convince her to go to the wedding. Then, he meets up with Spencer to hear how much Spencer has changed. I will admit, I am starting to believe Spencer has changed. He seems so different now, so aware of how much of a d-bag he used to be. Broday doesn't buy it for 2 seconds. He knew Spencer really well back in the day and I have to say that he might be right about this. Spencer is an evil little weasel, and this whole apology act might be his greatest fake-out ever.

Time for Lauren to end her stint at People's Revolution. Kelly Cutrone may be one of my favorite people to appear on The Hills. She is ballsy and blunt and doesn't take any sh**, but at the same time, when Lauren asked her for advice, she was well-spoken and knowledgeable and genuinely nice. I think Kelly got a bad rap, but I also doubt that she's gives a crap what other people think about her. SO, onward and upward, Lauren. With Kelly's blessing, you are free to conquer the fashion world!

Time to get this marriage started! It's rehearsal dinner time! They dine at Cut, the restaurant owned by Wolfgang Puck, that feature huge photos of Speidi (lame). Everything seems to be going fine, until Holly gives her toast. It's terrible. She makes up some crap about Heidi praying for a perfect "love match" out in the woods with sticks and berries. I wish I were making this up. I think Holly is either drunk or stupid or both. Strangely, I never thought Holly was that bad before all this wedding stuff, but she's acting like a jerk. She throws food at her brother and gets something on Heidi's new purse. Still, everything's relaxed and Heidi's not upset. But after Holly leaves the table to talk with her mom about how she wants to leave the dinner, Heidi gets nervous and asks Spencer to check on them. A little bit of the old Spencer comes out when he calls Holly out for being immature and throwing food at 25 years old. And Holly comes back by saying that it wasn't rude and Darlene agrees (!) and Spencer (understandably) doesn't get what planet these two are living on and decides he should leave before he gets really mad. Another sign of the new Spencer coming through? Holly tries to leave, but Darlene won't let her and when Spencer comes back to the table without them, Heidi is even more confused.

The next day Holly sees the error of her ways (she must have been drunk) and apologizes to Heidi while they get manicures. She even offers to relinquish her MOH title to She-Pratt but Heidi won't let her. They're sisters, after all! All is well.

More goodbyes at Lauren and Lo's party. It's a small group of the usual suspects, but I think I saw Doug there, which is surprising, because I haven't seen him without Paris Hilton in months. Lauren gives a pretty lame toast and then everyone goes on being lame. She-Pratt makes one final attempt at getting Lauren to come to the wedding, but she still won't budge.

Even if Lauren won't be there, the show must go on! Let me give you a few guest highlights: Brent Bolthouse and Heidi's Work Friend, Broday and his trashy gf Jayde, Audrina, Lo, STACIE THE BARTENDER (OMG, she's with Spencers friend!), Justin Bobby (yes!), and duh-da--da-daaahh LAUREN! Of course, she's a sneaky one and just heads right back to the bride's room and says hello to her there. It's a very special moment as everyone in the room is shocked to see her and Heidi especially is moved almost to tears.

All the while guests continue to come in including Kristen Cavalarri! Oooh, such drama. Maybe no one knew that she was going to be the "new Lauren" at the time of the wedding, because everyone's totally surprised to see her there.

And after Lauren and Heidi share a tender moment, Lauren heads into the church to take her seat. Lo immediately tells her that Kristen Cavalarri is there. Am I missing something? Are they still fighting? I thought all that crap about Stephen was long since over. Oh man, I miss those early Laguna Beach days. But anyway, Lauren is surprised and they seem to be totally avoiding eye contact with each other. I don't get it, but OK.

The vows go without a hitch and no one even objects! And this is where it starts to feel incredibly staged. People leave the church and Kristen goes over to talk to Lo and Audrina and asks them to set her up with a new guy (nice setup for next season!). And as Speidi are exiting the church, Lauren slyly exits through the back entrance and gets into a limo. And Heidi decides to throw the bouquet then and there (lame) and guess who catches it! Kristen! How incredible! It's like passing the torch. The totally lame, definitely staged torch. She must be on cloud nine to be so lucky. If this is a hint of things to come, then count me out. I felt like I was watching a sitcom. And not in a good way.

So, that's it. Lauren has moved on. And based on the previews (which I had to watch without sound because MTV was screwed up), things look to be staying full of drama. The tag line of "The bitch is back" is intriguing, but I don't know if I'll get into it. There did look like a potential hook up between Kristen and Justin Bobby, though! We'll see what happens. As for now, it's time to enjoy the summer and reflect on all the lessons The Hills has taught us. And...done! I'm hitting the pool!

An added bonus: Brittnee informed me that Speidi have tried to quit the TV show I'm a Celebrity...Get Me Out of Here! because it's too hard. Aww, boo-hoo. No, I mean literally, Heidi cries. Yama-hama! Heidi without makeup is SCARY! Have a great summer everyone!

This wasn't in the script!

I've got to save up my energy for the season finale next week, so this recap will be short and sweet.

Leading up to the finale, all the pieces are falling in line to have a Lauren-less Speidi wedding. Will She-Pratt or Heidi or SPENCER be able to convince Lauren to attend?! Everyone and the dog is invited, so Lauren might go so that she won't be home alone.

In other news, She-Pratt goes to a party thrown by Kelly Cutrone (without knowing she threw it) and runs into her! It's mega awkward, especially when She-Pratt blames her poor performance on the fact that Kelly wasn't around very much. Ack! And Broday brings Jayde to the party and they sit literally 3 feet from Audrina and bad mouth her. Seriously? Are they still talking about this? Hasn't it been like 3 weeks since that drama? Get over it. If you're still mad, don't sit right next to her and cause so much drama. Lame.

After She-Pratt's attempts to get Lauren to go to the wedding failed, Heidi asks Spencer to call her and apologize. He flat out refuses. Surprise! Heidi tells him that he "will do this" for her, but it's not looking good.

Heidi must realize this because she decides that she will deliver the wedding invitation herself. It doesn't go that well. Lauren basically just tells Heidi that she thinks she's making a mistake by marrying Spencer and that she sees how Heidi is losing connections to her friends and family because of him. One last attempt to convince Heidi that she's making a mistake that will probably do as much good as Heidi's personal wedding invitation.

But! Just when everyone had thought it was over, Lauren gets a call from Spencer himself! He sounds genuinely sorry, and whether he truly is or not remains to be seen, but it feels sincere. He apologizes for spreading the sex tape rumors and causing pain to her and her family. Lauren is not surprisingly weary of the call and his intentions, but he makes it clear that he doesn't think she owes him anything by coming to the wedding. He tells her that Heidi really wants her to come and that if she has any place in her heart for Heidi, she should consider coming. I won't lie, I thought it was a nice apology. Ever since Speidi started going to therapy, he's been less of a d-bag. And since it looks like the wedding will happen, it's probably a good thing that he's making an effort for Heidi.

Next week's hour-long season finale will air on Sunday night. Tune in to see the Speidi wedding spectacular and bid Lauren adieu!

The Hills meets Walker, Texas Ranger

So close to the season finale! All the drama building to one, pathetically lame climax in two weeks! OMG! Let's break down this episode:

Time for Spencer to get his act together. Heidi's REAL dad is coming to town and he's never met a boyfriend before. But, he's seen The Hills, right? I mean, he's "met" Spencer like we've all "met" Spencer. What else does he need to know? Also, Heidi's dad is a cowboy and will probably bring his gun to LA. Um, yes. I really like where this is going.

Audrina is getting more involved in her work, which means that she flirts with dudes in bands and gives the Evil Eye to girls in the music video. This week she's working with a band called The White Tie Affair, which is definitely not as cool a name as Parachute Knapsack, or whatever the ridiculous name of that previous band was a couple seasons ago. Also, Audrina has a crush on the lead singer and She-Pratt had a thing with one of the band members the last time they were in town. I don't see how this could go wrong!

HEIDI'S DAD TIME!! He's wearing a cowboy hat!! He's got steely blue eyes and he's a man of few words. He does start referring to a "Code of the West," which might involve shooting rabbits and other innocent creatures. I hope Spencer doesn't get caught in the crossfire.

Instead of goin' huntin', Spencer and Heidi's dad go walking at Venice Beach and Spencer asks Heidi's dad for permission to marry her. Despite the initial promise I thought her dad had, he agrees. He only mentions his Colt 45 twice. TWICE! C'mon, Bill! This wedding is going to happen and you aren't doing anything to stop it!

Time for Lauren to grow a pair and fire She-Pratt! Wow, She-Pratt is going to go ahead and CRY in the middle of the office. Yikes. Embarrassing for Lauren! Lauren made up some stupid reason about Kelly not having time to train a new person right now. To give you an idea of how lame that reason was, She-Pratt didn't even believe her when she said it.

So, in the wake of She-Pratt being FIRED FROM HER INTERNSHIP (seriously, does that even happen?!), she goes crying to Heidi and whines about how Lauren fired her. There was a tiny glimmer of "I told you so" in Heidi's eyes when she heard those words.

On the other side of town, Lauren tells Lo how She-Pratt cried during the firing. Lo has no pity and tells Lauren that she did what needed to be done. Geez, we got another Kelly Cutrone in training!

It's the big moment for Speidi! The third or fourth proposal! I've lost count at this point. Spencer rents a ferris wheel and when they get to the top it stops. Heidi is so scared by this that she yells, "Oh, Spency!" SPENCY! Haha! This whole season has been worth it just to hear that nickname. Anyway, Spencer tells Heidi that he asked her dad for permission to marry her. Heidi's surprised and tells Spencer that getting married is a bad idea. And that he'd have to make amends with Lauren AND Darlene (Heidi's mom) and give her a huge, princess wedding before she would even consider it. So, he makes up some crap about pretending to do those things and then drops some bling on her to make her forget about all that other stuff. The ring is huge, from what I can tell. It looks to be a yellow diamond, but it's tough to say since it's dark. Heidi is all smiles and they share an awkward kiss and that's that. The wedding is ON. And supposedly it's in two weeks on the season finale. That's some quick planning!

What's next: Will Heidi and Spencer ever get off that ferris wheel? Will She-Pratt and Lauren make up? Will someone please tell Justin Bobby to crash the wedding in those ridiculous black and white socks he was wearing last week?

"Uhhhh...line!"

Another week of Audrina drama is upon us. J-Bob found out about Audrina and Broday's tryst in Hawaii and he's not happy. Even though they weren't technically together...those two are destined to be together and unhappy for the rest of their lives.

In more crazy person news, She-Pratt is showing Lauren her true colors by announcing that she wants to stop stressing about work and go on a "man-hunt." She already found a cute guy she likes (Robert) and she can't focus for 5 seconds to listen to Lauren as she warns her not to slack off at work. I think I see where this is going...it's called previews. MTV needs a lesson in the art of surprise.

Heidi and her work friend are talking about all they still have left to do for a work event and Heidi's all, "I know, I still have to get my nails done and find a new outfit," and work friend stares at her thinking, "Do you do any actual work?" Oh, and Heidi gets a text message from Stacy to visit her and talk. Awesome, can't wait.

In not-at-all-surprising news, She-Pratt is distracted at work and isn't listening to Lauren about what she needs to do. Lauren is supposed to go style an event all by herself tomorrow and she's entrusting She-Pratt to pack her bags for her. MISTAKE.

Audrina is working a showcase (how about this week's episode and all the actual work being done?!) and ordering people around. While the band performs, she gets a call from J-Bob! He wants to talk about Hawaii so she agrees to meet him tomorrow.

Surprise, She-Pratt forgot to pack a bag for Lauren for the shoot. So Lauren calls She-Pratt and asks her to bring the clothes to her at the shoot, but since She-Pratt is "on her lunch break" she won't go. Lauren hangs up on her (!) and decides to get a messenger to do it. She-Pratt is getting canned!

Heidi and Stacy have the lamest polite-fight ever. A fight where they pretend like they're being nice but they are actually saying things like, "You're crazy," "You're a homewrecker," "Your boyfriend is a d***," and "Good luck finding a guy," all in a super friendly tone of voice. It's hilarious.

Audrina met up with J-Bob and they "talked things through." Uhhh, not so much. Audrina gets there and after telling J-Bob to stop calling and texting her, she gets up to leave. J-Bob follows her and they yell a little bit in the street. But Audrina is obviously done messing with J-Bob drama, so she doesn't put up with his requests to listen to his side of things. I say good for her!

Kelly Cutrone is back and she's pissed! She asks to see Lauren in her office and when She-Pratt asks if she wants to see her too, she responds with, "No. I don't." Oh, she's catty and curt and I love it. Kelly tells Lauren that someone is going to pay for the mistake and that Lauren has to take care of it by the end of the week. Hehehe, Lauren has to fire She-Pratt. Awesome! But Lauren gets back to her desk and chickens out! Oh, Lauren, it's best to do it right away, like Kelly says - "Like a guillotine." Yes, Kelly. Yes.

Next week: some stuff happens. Maybe Lauren fires She-Pratt, maybe not. My DVR cut out before they showed the previews. This is better, actually. Maybe I'll be surprised by some of the next episode!

This guy? Really?

The aftermath of the Broday and Audrina hook up is about to unfold. Lauren and Audrina go shopping and when Lauren tells Audrina that Jayde (Broday's gf) and Broday have been fighting for days since he told her about the Hawaii hookup, Audrina's response is, "So it's an issue?" What. The. Crap. Audrina? YES. It is an ISSUE. My God, you sleep with a guy who has a girlfriend and you think that she'll understand that "feelings are feelings" as Broday so eloquently put it? Oh no, it's about to GO DOWN. Jayde is gunnin' for you. Not all gf's are as understanding (read: idiotic) as Heidi and let their bf's do whatever they want.

Hey, everybody! Heidi's work friend is back and she's wearing a shirt with a tie attached to it! And scene.

Frankie's having a BBQ and Lauren and Lo show up sans Audrina. They aren't dumb enough to bring along Jayde's nemesis. But Audrina texts anyway to say that she's coming and Lauren's all, "Who's she coming with?" As in: "What idiot decided that it would be a good idea to get involved with this fight?"

It would also appear that there's some drama in Heidiwood. Spencer is seeing that trampy waitress again and Heidi read his text from Stacy so she knows that they're supposed to meet up! So, Heidi grabs her sister and She-Pratt and they go to the same bar to confront that home-wrecker! (Also, what is happening with She-Pratt? The bronzer, the necklace? OMG, lady. You need to cool it.)

So, Broday's gf, Jayde? She looks like a tranny. I'm not even trying to be mean, but I kept thinking, who does she look like? She looks like a man. Her eye brows are WHACK, she has duck lips and she has enough foundation on to cover some five o'clock shadow. I guess what I'm trying to say is: Audrina stands little to no chance of walking out of this BBQ without getting bitch-slapped. Audrina and Jayde attempt to talk it out, but it doesn't go very well, because Audrina doesn't admit to doing anything wrong and Jayde seems to get so mad that she can't even think of anything to say. So, Audrina leaves. I guess she's banned until Jay-day break up?

Watching therapy sessions with Speidi is the best part of this show. It's like finally someone with half a brain can get in the middle of their fights and make them realize that they are idiots.

Audrina and She-Pratt decide to go to a party where Broday and Jayde are also likely to be. Jayde is drinking Jager straight from the bottle the way someone might drink water after a long run. And, as one might expect, she confronts Audrina and things get awkward. In the end, even though Audrina talked a big game about standing up to Jayde, she leaves because she can't handle the drama.

Ooh, Spencer's back for some solo therapy! He actually makes way more sense when talking to someone who's not a raging moron. But, even though he knows that all he needs to do to fix the current drama between him and Heidi is to stop going out to the clubs, he can't promise to do that. That's the Spencer I know!

Lauren meets up with Broday with their obligatory once-a-season dinner date and they talk about the love triangle that is destroying Broday's life. Lauren thinks that Broday needs to apologize to Audrina because she's been facing the wrath from Jayde, but he doesn't think that's a good idea because Jayde would probably find out and kick his a$$. So he thinks the apology should wait and Lauren responds with, "Sometimes we sacrifice friendships for the ones we love. It wouldn't be the first time." You see what she did there? She brought it right back to her. That selfish little minx can't let others have the spotlight for two seconds?!

Next time: Audrina says good-bye to J-Bob; Heidi confronts Stacy; and She-Pratt FAILS at her internship (surprise!).

Is this whore-y enough?

On this week's episode of The Hills, the girls crash the boys' weekend in Hawaii. Broday is mad for 4 seconds and then the girls agree to do shots and he's in heaven. I think Doug is on this trip. As in, Doug the guy who dated Lauren to be on The Hills and then moved to She-Pratt to stay on The Hills and then gave up on The Hills and moved to Paris Hilton. THAT Doug. He sucks. And there's also Frankie and Sleazy T and Broday, of course. For the girls there's Lauren, Lo, Audrina and She-Pratt.

Heidi and Spencer are shopping in Barnes and Noble (probably staging a photo shoot in the children's books section!) and Heidi mentions that Colby, her ex-boyfriend from forever ago, is coming to town for a visit. Well, of course he is! Those two haven't seen each other in five years and after one arranged visit in CO (by Heidi's mom!) they are suddenly friends again. Spencer is jealous, obviously, even though anyone could tell that Heidi was so not into Colby when she was forced to eat dinner with him. But Colby goes to Bible college, so I think he could give some great advice to Spencer.

Oooh, it's a double date with Speidi and Colby and his girlfriend. Ha! Looks like Spencer has nothing to worry about! Colby's girlfriend, Ashley, warms up to Heidi right away by telling her that "she looks so different." OMG! This girl is incredibly unaware and I love it! Heidi is pretty surprised because she must have a Don't Talk About My Plastic Surgery Clause written into her contract. Looks like Ashley didn't sign it! They go on to talk about how they are saving themselves for marriage and Spencer's jaw basically hits the floor. He's having a lot of fun messing with them and even invites Colby to go boxing with him the next day. I hope Colby beats the crap out of him.

Over in Hawaii She-Pratt tells Audrina that hooking up with Broday might be a good way to get J-Bob back. She's got a million ideas, folks! Priceless.

Boxing time with Spencer and Colby gives way to more questions from Spencer about how Colby could possibly manage to stay a virgin. Colby informs him that it's not hard and that he prays a lot, but that he's looking forward to a bigger payoff. And that's when he invites Spencer to join his Bible Study that night. Because Colby hosts a Traveling Bible Study? Awesome!

Tensions arise in Hawaii when Audrina admits to having a little crush on Broday. How is this not super weird for Lauren and Audrina?!

At the Traveling Bible Study, where it would seem that Spencer and Heidi both had their own Bibles (!), Spencer asks to see the verse where it forbids sex before marriage. Ashley refers to it as "fornification" and Colby quickly corrects her, "fornication!" Not that he, you know, pays attention to that or anything, gah! Anywhoo, they find the verse that condemns Speidi to hell and then move on. Spencer is saddened by this news, I guess, and decides to text during Bible Study. And let's be honest, even if he and Heidi weren't going to hell before, he'd be well on his way already.

Drama is averted in Hawaii when Broday refuses Audrina's subtle offer to be "more than friends." AKA, he didn't follow her inside the house. Frankie gives him shit for it, but he tells everyone that he's in love with his girlfriend, Jayde. He's a better man than I thought he was, but I'm pretty sure that Jayde sucks.

Oh snap! Nevermind! He just waltzed into the house to talk to Audrina and told her that he thinks she's sweet and that he's glad they've been friends for so long and he doesn't want there to be any hard feelings. BUT...if something were to happen one night, with no one else around, well "feelings are feelings." That's the Broday I know! And it's confirmed the next morning as the girls wake up to discover that Audrina slept over at Broday's place! Good thing "no one else was around" so it can be their little secret!

As the boys and girls dish about what happened between Audrina and Broday, one thing is certain, Jayde is gonna cut a bitch. Audrina, watch your back!