Broday's "Bromance" is a Pain in my Kardashian

Who hasn't seen the MTV promo for their new Monday nights and heard Broday ask "What is a Bromance?"

I think he answers that it's something like a friendship between your good buddies....

WRONG-O Broday.

What is a Bromance ? I'll tell you. It's a lame attempt at recreating Paris Hilton's My New Best Friend, only for guys. I didn't think it'd be possible to have a show on TV worse than Paris' but I was wrong. Broday takes the cake with this stinker.

You're probably feeling sorry for me about right now because I wasted an hour of my life watching this catastrophe, but don't - cause I didn't. No, I formed pretty strong opinions about this rotten tomato of a show in all of about 3 minutes.

During a commercial break of Jon & Kate plus 8 (a true gem of a show) I decided I'd check out Bromance. What I saw almost made me throw up in my mouth. The instant I tuned in, the contestants were arriving at a club where they were hoping they'd find the four girls they picked up that day decked out in lingerie waiting to get into the club. You see that was their challenge - have four girls show up at the club for a lingerie party. I didn't watch past that to see who was successful - I had to get back to that lovable family of two sets of multiples.

I did change back over around 8:50ish thinking I could stomach the end and not wanting to miss a minute of The City. I was wrong.

This time I tuned in just in time to hear Broday tell the guys it was elimination night and he was heading up to his hot tub to think it over. No thanks Broday - I quickly returned to TLC.

So in short I will not be tuning in for Bromance because it sucks. But I will be watching The City and I have lots of opinions to share. So maybe I'll try a recap tomorrow night. It probably won't be near as funny, well written or insightful as Jenny's, but I'll give it the ol'college try - which is more than MTV can say for their most recent "masterpiece" Bromance.

Oh, and did I mention that guy in the picture above (the one you don't recognize) his name is Sleazy T. I rest my case.

O' Christmas Tree!

I can't help but show off the tree Jules and I put together for our work Christmas party. Check it out!

So I married a d-bag

Another season is about to come to an end. Will Heidi really marry Spencer in a court of law? Will Lauren be able to find a friend who sticks with her through thick and thin (Lo doesn't count, sorry)? Will Whitney ever talk to any of these losers ever again? Let's find out...right now!

In the aftermath of the Speidi wedding, Heidi returns to work at Bolthouse (as an intern?) and she's meeting up with Work Friend and Brent to talk "business." Brent asks the girls how their vacations were and Heidi admits to getting married after they "had a couple margaritas." Nice. Brent's response? "Shut up." and then "Alright." Yeah, that's about everyone's reaction, Brenty boy!

Lauren and Lo are getting primped for an event that night. Bolthouse is throwing the event and Heidi will likely be there. All this build up will lead up to a Lauren/Heidi reunion. So, get ready.

Oh. God. This is the ultimate Justin Bobby shot if ever there was one. Check that out. Overalls. No shirt. On a hog. Yep. That pretty much sums up Justin Bobby in a nutshell. Where the hell are those two heading? Looks like a little bungalow in Palm Springs. Just the two of them. For a weekend retreat without drama. Pop open the champagne!

Whoa, things just got real. Heidi's mom is in town. You can cut the tension with a knife. She and Spencer are just sitting in silence. When Heidi comes in she's surprised to see her mom and I think that's the point. This is an intervention, you idiot. Mom gets pretty upset about the whole thing, but Heidi defends her decision again by referencing the margaritas (seriously, you should cut that from your description, you aren't making it any better) and a beautiful sunset. Her mom says that if Heidi's happy then she's happy, but then she starts crying because it's just another example of how she isn't involved in Heidi's life anymore. Heidi then invites her to City Hall the next day where they are going to make it legal. This is your chance, Darlene! Swipe Spencer with your SVU on the way there - I'll owe you big time! At least Spencer has learned to keep his mouth shut. He lets Heidi do all the talking and sits on the couch trying to look innocent.

Back in Palm Springs Justin and Audrina talk about their relationship. Justin starts talking about the heavens and his lucky stars and I'm pretty sure he almost says truth and time tell all, and then he tells her that he's so lucky to know Audrina. That he never opens up with other people. And then he gives her a ring. NOT what you're thinking. It's a sweet ring, very simple, but he gives it to her as a sign that...uh...um...he's not a d-bag? So, anyways, way to go, JBob!

It's event time! Heidi and Work Friend are schmoozing and meet up with Holly and She-Pratt. It's black tie and She-Pratt is wearing a fur vest and orange shirt. WTF? (*Side note: I'm almost positive that I saw Steven from the Real World Las Vegas at the party. The clip showed him for less than a second, but I have watched enough crappy MTV to pinpoint a Real Worlder from a mile away!) That's when they spot Lauren and Lo from across the room and they wave and it's civil, but Heidi immediately wants to go over to Lauren. So, She-Pratt tells her to do it. And Lo scurries away!

The Heidi and Lauren confrontation. Ya'll it was just so sad. It wasn't even remotely hostile. It's just too bad that things had to happen the way they did because they obviously care about each other even after all that's happened. I have to say, it's one of the few times on The Hills when Heidi seemed real. Not like robotic, reading cue cards, but emotional and heartfelt and honest. And Lauren admitted that she missed Heidi and was there for her if she ever really needed anything. It was just a nice moment between two former friends and I'm glad they repaired some of the damage. Oh, and DEATH to Spencer!

The real Spencer comes out when Darlene confronts him and says that he manipulated the whole wedding. She tells him that she won't let him go to the courthouse to make it legal. But it's an empty threat and Spencer knows it and so he acts like a d-bag and smiles a fake smile and then calls her "mom." STRANGLE HIM, DARLENE!! DO IT!

In Palm Springs JBob and Audrina share a nice morning together and automatically become the most normal couple on the show. Congrats, guys!

It's time for the wedding event of the year! In a courtroom. Wah-wah. Heidi is having doubts because her mom did not show up to support her. And so she heads to the bathroom to "freshen up" aka "jump out the window!" While she's gone, She-Pratt (the witness) tells Spencer that he shouldn't go through with it because it's a scary courtroom wedding and she's supposed to remember this day forever and all she's going to remember is the police officer and judge and that her mom and sister aren't talking to her. All sound arguments. And yet, they proceed with the ceremony. Heidi says her vows and then... THEN.

Spencer stops the ceremony. He won't do it if Heidi is upset about her mom not being there. He will wait to get married if that what she wants. Wow. I can't even believe that he did that. I hate him a little less now. Very little, but it's something. So, the whole wedding thing was a fraud. They aren't married. Heidi, there's still time to get out! I'm getting together with Darlene to break these two apart! With my blog and her actually knowing each of them, I think we stand a chance!

I think that as far as season finales goes, this one was pretty good. We had actual drama instead of manufactured drama and it wasn't a huge let down. I was actually surprised that the wedding was a no-go. Speidi has done a lot of press about how they legally got married, but that was just a sham, it seems. Well played, you a-holes.

See you all next season. Happy Holidays!

We've officially bottomed out

I know People.com doesn't count as an actual news source, but seriously? This is the type of questions we're asking these days? And I am only feeding the fire by writing this blog. I may have to re-evaluate my life during The Hills hiatus.

One union ends and another begins. And I just threw up.

Buckle up, kids, this episode will follow the train wreck that was the Speidi wedding. I'm going to have to ignore my own one-line rule for Speidi this post. So you've been warned. Spencer's brainwashing is near completion. Heidi and Spencer arrive in Mexico and it looks as if the vacation was a surprise for Heidi. Spencer tells her that this will be the most memorable vacation of her life and he's probably right. I think it's nearly impossible to forget that weekend in Mexico when you throw caution to the wind and decide to marry a d-bag.

Back in LA, Whit gets a phone call offering her the job at Diane von Furstenberg! Lauren makes faces both sad and happy. Well done.

You know how Speidi always pose for paparazzi in ridiculous getups and situations (like this and this)? Well, I think their need for attention may have permanently altered their brains. Heidi waltzes out to their terrace with champagne wearing a bikini and HIGH HEELS. Spencer is casually lounging on a chair reading a book (probably War & Peace) and it's just like a scene out of a movie. Just to clarify, I mean any one of the Saw movies. Moving on...

LA again - She-Pratt pays a visit to Audrina and JBob is there hanging out, so I guess they're back together...again. She-Pratt is looking high and low (hence the visit to Audrina's - burn!) and cannot find Speidi. She's called everyone, even her mom, who apparently talks to Heidi every day. Alert the authorities! Speidi's on the loose!

Over in Cabo, Speidi spend the night awkwardly sitting alone drinking shots of Patron. Looks like Heidi's sloshed and Spencer uses this ample opportunity to tell her that they should get married. Yes, he told her. He didn't ask her. She's looped out of her mind, and he's trying to trick her into marrying him. He's the devil.

Whitney's going away party attracts Lauren, Lo, Audrina, Broday and Whitney's mom and dad, who are even whiter than Whitney. After a nice speech by Whit's dad, everyone gets all teary-eyed. Whit's leaving and they're all super sad because they've forgotten momentarily about hew new MTV spinoff, The City!

Back in Cabo, Spencer keeps trying to convince Heidi to marry him. Let me give you a few tidbits of his proposal: "madly obsessed with you" "I haven't left your side in two and a half years" "I pretty much keep you from the whole world." Soooo...wanna get married or somethin? Heidi says yes because she's brainwashed and they start to makeout and it's disgusting. Spencer interrupts by saying, "Save some for the honeymoon, yo!" and Heidi responds by saying, "I'll show you what a wife does." Did anyone manager to NOT throw up after reading that? Me neither. They are the WORST.

Lauren and Whitney go out for lunch and recount the memories, which leads to Lauren getting a good cry out. It's a touching moment, except for the fact that Whitney is stone faced! No tears at all. Lauren's really letting go and all Whitney can say is, "I'm really touched that we made it this far." Really? I don't think you are. Because if you were, you'd be CRYING. She's gonna take New York by storm!

Since the news broke that Speidi got married, there has been evidence that it wasn't as shocking as the show - and Speidi - would have us believe. Apparently you need all kinds of different licenses and IDs and birth certificates and basically, they orchestrated the entire thing. Now, the morning after - Heidi admits that the Patron might have helped Spencer accomplish his marriage mission. They watch the video of them after the ceremony and the whole time Heidi keeps saying, "I can't believe we did this." Not in an exciting way, either. It sounds more like regret. Especially when she imagines telling her mom. Yep, that's regret alright!

Whit's getting ready to board her plane for NYC! She has one suitcase and a carry-on bag. I pack more for a 4-day trip than she does when moving her entire life to a new city. I guess she's really starting over up there. Are you guys gonna watch her new show?

Next time on the SEASON FINALE! Heidi's mom comes down to try and talk some sense into Heidi (good luck, I've been trying to do it for years via this blog with no luck); Justin maybe proposes to Audrina (probably not) and Lauren and Heidi have a confrontation that is less violent than those in episodes past. Oh, and Spencer acts like a d-bag to Heidi's mom - surprise! Thank jeebus this season is finally ending!

"Guess who's on the phone!" Satan.

This week we get to watch Whitney reach for the stars! Kelly Cutrone has set up an interview for her at Diane von Furstenberg to do in-house PR. Kelly must get some kind of sweet commission or something because why would she want to get rid of Whit? The job is in NYC - the same place where her music man boyfriend resides - which means Whitney would be relocating. Wouldn't it be a great idea for MTV to do like a spin-off show following Whitney around? They should look into that...and give me some sort of "finder's fee." Thanks, MTV! Love ya!

Lauren and Audrina decide to remain friends for the good of the networ--I mean, uh, friendship. Yep, and so they are hanging out, it's not awkward at all! Lauren brings up Justin Bobby and wonders if Audrina still "wants that." Audrina responds that she still "wants it" and I vomit in my mouth a little bit. Lauren also tells Audrina that her parents are moving from their Laguna Beach home so she and Lo are gonna go and pack up her old room. Seriously? This is episode-worthy material here? I can't wait to watch Lauren and Lo look through old yearbooks and pretend that their high school days were just like everyone elses.

She-Pratt meets up with Cheester Cheetah (the beard is outta control) and he tells her to dump Cameron. His logic? They've broken up like 4 or 5 times. He has the nerve to say to her, "Do you know how immature this relationship sounds from an outside perspective?" Yeeeah, because she's gonna take relationship advice from a guy who got his girlfriend fired, alienated all his girlfriend's friends and family and generally has no concept of how to be a good human being. Riiiight.

Over at People's Revolution Whit tells Lauren about her DvF interview. Of course Lauren's sad, but she knows that this is the big time for Whitney.

I've seen the DvF offices before on Project Runway, and they are massive and very simplistic with large sculptural pieces and a ginormous staircase. Whitney has to walk up the staircase and I had a Good Morning America flashback for a second, but she handled it. In heels no less! She nails with interview with her future boss who looks like a sassy minx! She's gonna be trouble!

She-Pratt breaks up with Cameron. That's it. Whatever. It's time for me to admit that I watch The Hills on MTV.com. Way less commercials and I can write the recap as I watch. It's really raw that way, you know? Totally in-the-moment blogging. But, I'm telling you this because there are comments on MTV.com below the video of the episode and they are usually stupid, but this one hit the nail on the head. Observe:

"NOBODY CARES WHAT HAPPENS WITH STEPHANIE PRATTS LIFE....... SHE IS FAKE..... CUT THAT WHOLE SEGMENT OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Can someone get that person a blog?

Lauren and Lo take a trip down memory lane by reading Lauren's old diary and her will. Not kidding. She requested to be buried in her homecoming dress with her crown. Awesome.

In NYC, music man meets up with Whitney after her interview and they are the cutest couple ever. He better not be a jerk face. Those musician types are tricky! I might have to watch The City just to see Whitney and Jay (music man) interact. Finally some reality in this damn show. Their love isn't jaded yet like all of Lauren's relationships. How refreshing.

Next time: Whit gets a job! She moves away and Lauren loses yet another friend. Maybe losing isn't the right word, but whatever. And it looks as if we get to witness the Speidi nuptials! I AM GAGGING.

Is it just me or is she about to laugh?

Looks like we have to watch more of this Lauren/Audrina feud in tonight's episode. I really need to know how long these arguments go on in real life because I'm barely two episodes and I'm already about to die. Imagine if you had to live it! *Shudder*

Over at Epic Records, Audrina and Bangs are trying to deconstruct the situation. Here's a question for ya: why doesn't Bangs wear makeup when she knows she's gonna be on national television? I mean, it's one thing to act like you don't know who Spencer is when he waltzes into Bolthouse and asks to see Heidi. It's a much dumber thing to BE ON THE SHOW and pretend like you don't know about the show. I don't buy it, Bangs! Now put on some concealer so I can try and concentrate on what Audrina is saying instead of getting lost in your under-eye circles. As it is, I have no idea what was said in their convo. Probably something about Justin Bobby letting truth and time tell all.

Hey, it's Broday! Pool party at Lauren's! Guess what he wants to talk about?! Here we go again. Maybe he has some interesting Broday-isms to share. Let's see, we've got "You don't want someone like that (Audrina) in your life" and "It's a win-win" referring to how Audrina not being friends with Lauren is going to be all kinds of good! Thanks, Broday!

Over at Audrina's place, Horseface McTats is chillin' with Audrina and I bet you a hundred dollars I know what they want to talk about!! At least we're finally getting somewhere: she suggests that Audrina apologize to Lauren so that they can be friends again. JBob might be a lost cause, but since Audrina finally believes that the rumor is not true, then she might as well apologize for acting like a crazy lady.

Remember the last post when I said that I would only write one sentence about Speidi in every post? Here it is: They took She-Pratt over to visit Nana Pratt (who is awesome, as all grandma's are) and Spencer totally acted like a major jerk and kept talking about how he and Heidi see Nana all the time and are such good kids. Barf.

Lauren and Whitney pretend to work while gossiping about Whitney's music man (they still talk on the phone!) and then about - what else - the Audrina thing. Looks like Audrina is going to take Horsey's advice and apologize!

Nana Pratt and She-Pratt go out for a one-on-one talk and start talking smack about Spencer. She-Pratt asks why Spencer is her favorite grandchild and suggests that if Nana looked closer at Spencer then maybe he wouldn't be her favorite. Is it me, or is it weird that Nana is totally cool with She-Pratt saying that Spencer is her "favorite" grandchild? Isn't there an unwritten law that says all grandchildren are loved the same? And thou shalt never speak otherwise? Pretty sure it's a law. Anyway, not that She-Pratt's so awesome, but Spencer shouldn't be anyone's favorite anything. Period.

Get out your Kleenex, it's time for the big apology. Cue the sappy music. OK, so Lauren tells Audrina that she can't believe she didn't trust her enough not to believe the rumor and Audrina goes on about how she (Audrina) doesn't trust anyone. Then she says that she thinks she would be happier if she didn't have JBob in her life because she has been so torn up inside lately. Lauren tells her that she only wants her to be happy and hopes that she can learn to trust people. It's hard to tell if Lauren totally forgives her, but they do walk out together and make plans to hang out next week, but Lauren still makes a sad face and leaves without much fanfare. It looks as if Audrina thinks they made up though, she's all huge toothy smiles! That apology was lame though, Lauren didn't even cry and although Audrina did cry, she invested in waterproof mascara so it's not an ugly cry. Worthless. Just like this whole episode.

Next time: She-Pratt gets back together with her boyfriend...maybe. And Whitney goes to interview at Diane Von Furstenberg! The finale could be any week now, since we all now know what happens after that interview! I hope that means no more Audrina/Lauren drama.