It's really real this time!

Well, this is it. The last episode featuring Lauren Conrad. Personally, I'm bummed about the switch to Kristen Cavalarri, because it sounds like it's going to be SO fake that even I won't be able to enjoy the guilty pleasure of it anymore. I'm debating whether or not I'll be back to blog the next season. But, I'm getting ahead of myself. First we have to say goodbye to Lauren and watch the Speidi wedding train wreck.

We begin with Lauren and Lo dishing about their final house party. They're moving out, but neither will say what's next. Lauren doesn't seem to know what she'll be doing, but she's moving out and that's that! They decide that everyone needs to come over one last time to say goodbye to the house.

Heidi is busying planning her princess wedding and she drops the bomb on She-Pratt that she's going to ask Holly to be her Maid of Honor. She-Pratt is pissed! On the other side of town, Spencer and Heidi's mom, Darlene, are out on a nice lunch date. It's a tad awkward to say the least, but Spencer starts in with apologizing pretty quick. Darlene is skeptical, with good reason, but Spencer tells her he's been going to therapy and that he's really changed. She caves and gives him her blessing. You can almost see the evil creeping through his eyes when he hears her say it. I think it's all an act!

Time for Heidi to get wild and crazy at her bachelorette party! Or...not. It's super tame and just a bunch of girls getting together to take quizzes and watch the bride open presents. Holly arrives 30 minutes late and then doesn't even write down the gifts that people got Heidi. Gasp! She-Pratt is livid that she isn't living up to her MOH duties.

Hey! It's Broday! Pulling double-duty...first, he has dinner with Lauren to try and convince her to go to the wedding. Then, he meets up with Spencer to hear how much Spencer has changed. I will admit, I am starting to believe Spencer has changed. He seems so different now, so aware of how much of a d-bag he used to be. Broday doesn't buy it for 2 seconds. He knew Spencer really well back in the day and I have to say that he might be right about this. Spencer is an evil little weasel, and this whole apology act might be his greatest fake-out ever.

Time for Lauren to end her stint at People's Revolution. Kelly Cutrone may be one of my favorite people to appear on The Hills. She is ballsy and blunt and doesn't take any sh**, but at the same time, when Lauren asked her for advice, she was well-spoken and knowledgeable and genuinely nice. I think Kelly got a bad rap, but I also doubt that she's gives a crap what other people think about her. SO, onward and upward, Lauren. With Kelly's blessing, you are free to conquer the fashion world!

Time to get this marriage started! It's rehearsal dinner time! They dine at Cut, the restaurant owned by Wolfgang Puck, that feature huge photos of Speidi (lame). Everything seems to be going fine, until Holly gives her toast. It's terrible. She makes up some crap about Heidi praying for a perfect "love match" out in the woods with sticks and berries. I wish I were making this up. I think Holly is either drunk or stupid or both. Strangely, I never thought Holly was that bad before all this wedding stuff, but she's acting like a jerk. She throws food at her brother and gets something on Heidi's new purse. Still, everything's relaxed and Heidi's not upset. But after Holly leaves the table to talk with her mom about how she wants to leave the dinner, Heidi gets nervous and asks Spencer to check on them. A little bit of the old Spencer comes out when he calls Holly out for being immature and throwing food at 25 years old. And Holly comes back by saying that it wasn't rude and Darlene agrees (!) and Spencer (understandably) doesn't get what planet these two are living on and decides he should leave before he gets really mad. Another sign of the new Spencer coming through? Holly tries to leave, but Darlene won't let her and when Spencer comes back to the table without them, Heidi is even more confused.

The next day Holly sees the error of her ways (she must have been drunk) and apologizes to Heidi while they get manicures. She even offers to relinquish her MOH title to She-Pratt but Heidi won't let her. They're sisters, after all! All is well.

More goodbyes at Lauren and Lo's party. It's a small group of the usual suspects, but I think I saw Doug there, which is surprising, because I haven't seen him without Paris Hilton in months. Lauren gives a pretty lame toast and then everyone goes on being lame. She-Pratt makes one final attempt at getting Lauren to come to the wedding, but she still won't budge.

Even if Lauren won't be there, the show must go on! Let me give you a few guest highlights: Brent Bolthouse and Heidi's Work Friend, Broday and his trashy gf Jayde, Audrina, Lo, STACIE THE BARTENDER (OMG, she's with Spencers friend!), Justin Bobby (yes!), and duh-da--da-daaahh LAUREN! Of course, she's a sneaky one and just heads right back to the bride's room and says hello to her there. It's a very special moment as everyone in the room is shocked to see her and Heidi especially is moved almost to tears.

All the while guests continue to come in including Kristen Cavalarri! Oooh, such drama. Maybe no one knew that she was going to be the "new Lauren" at the time of the wedding, because everyone's totally surprised to see her there.

And after Lauren and Heidi share a tender moment, Lauren heads into the church to take her seat. Lo immediately tells her that Kristen Cavalarri is there. Am I missing something? Are they still fighting? I thought all that crap about Stephen was long since over. Oh man, I miss those early Laguna Beach days. But anyway, Lauren is surprised and they seem to be totally avoiding eye contact with each other. I don't get it, but OK.

The vows go without a hitch and no one even objects! And this is where it starts to feel incredibly staged. People leave the church and Kristen goes over to talk to Lo and Audrina and asks them to set her up with a new guy (nice setup for next season!). And as Speidi are exiting the church, Lauren slyly exits through the back entrance and gets into a limo. And Heidi decides to throw the bouquet then and there (lame) and guess who catches it! Kristen! How incredible! It's like passing the torch. The totally lame, definitely staged torch. She must be on cloud nine to be so lucky. If this is a hint of things to come, then count me out. I felt like I was watching a sitcom. And not in a good way.

So, that's it. Lauren has moved on. And based on the previews (which I had to watch without sound because MTV was screwed up), things look to be staying full of drama. The tag line of "The bitch is back" is intriguing, but I don't know if I'll get into it. There did look like a potential hook up between Kristen and Justin Bobby, though! We'll see what happens. As for now, it's time to enjoy the summer and reflect on all the lessons The Hills has taught us. And...done! I'm hitting the pool!

An added bonus: Brittnee informed me that Speidi have tried to quit the TV show I'm a Celebrity...Get Me Out of Here! because it's too hard. Aww, boo-hoo. No, I mean literally, Heidi cries. Yama-hama! Heidi without makeup is SCARY! Have a great summer everyone!

This wasn't in the script!

I've got to save up my energy for the season finale next week, so this recap will be short and sweet.

Leading up to the finale, all the pieces are falling in line to have a Lauren-less Speidi wedding. Will She-Pratt or Heidi or SPENCER be able to convince Lauren to attend?! Everyone and the dog is invited, so Lauren might go so that she won't be home alone.

In other news, She-Pratt goes to a party thrown by Kelly Cutrone (without knowing she threw it) and runs into her! It's mega awkward, especially when She-Pratt blames her poor performance on the fact that Kelly wasn't around very much. Ack! And Broday brings Jayde to the party and they sit literally 3 feet from Audrina and bad mouth her. Seriously? Are they still talking about this? Hasn't it been like 3 weeks since that drama? Get over it. If you're still mad, don't sit right next to her and cause so much drama. Lame.

After She-Pratt's attempts to get Lauren to go to the wedding failed, Heidi asks Spencer to call her and apologize. He flat out refuses. Surprise! Heidi tells him that he "will do this" for her, but it's not looking good.

Heidi must realize this because she decides that she will deliver the wedding invitation herself. It doesn't go that well. Lauren basically just tells Heidi that she thinks she's making a mistake by marrying Spencer and that she sees how Heidi is losing connections to her friends and family because of him. One last attempt to convince Heidi that she's making a mistake that will probably do as much good as Heidi's personal wedding invitation.

But! Just when everyone had thought it was over, Lauren gets a call from Spencer himself! He sounds genuinely sorry, and whether he truly is or not remains to be seen, but it feels sincere. He apologizes for spreading the sex tape rumors and causing pain to her and her family. Lauren is not surprisingly weary of the call and his intentions, but he makes it clear that he doesn't think she owes him anything by coming to the wedding. He tells her that Heidi really wants her to come and that if she has any place in her heart for Heidi, she should consider coming. I won't lie, I thought it was a nice apology. Ever since Speidi started going to therapy, he's been less of a d-bag. And since it looks like the wedding will happen, it's probably a good thing that he's making an effort for Heidi.

Next week's hour-long season finale will air on Sunday night. Tune in to see the Speidi wedding spectacular and bid Lauren adieu!

The Hills meets Walker, Texas Ranger

So close to the season finale! All the drama building to one, pathetically lame climax in two weeks! OMG! Let's break down this episode:

Time for Spencer to get his act together. Heidi's REAL dad is coming to town and he's never met a boyfriend before. But, he's seen The Hills, right? I mean, he's "met" Spencer like we've all "met" Spencer. What else does he need to know? Also, Heidi's dad is a cowboy and will probably bring his gun to LA. Um, yes. I really like where this is going.

Audrina is getting more involved in her work, which means that she flirts with dudes in bands and gives the Evil Eye to girls in the music video. This week she's working with a band called The White Tie Affair, which is definitely not as cool a name as Parachute Knapsack, or whatever the ridiculous name of that previous band was a couple seasons ago. Also, Audrina has a crush on the lead singer and She-Pratt had a thing with one of the band members the last time they were in town. I don't see how this could go wrong!

HEIDI'S DAD TIME!! He's wearing a cowboy hat!! He's got steely blue eyes and he's a man of few words. He does start referring to a "Code of the West," which might involve shooting rabbits and other innocent creatures. I hope Spencer doesn't get caught in the crossfire.

Instead of goin' huntin', Spencer and Heidi's dad go walking at Venice Beach and Spencer asks Heidi's dad for permission to marry her. Despite the initial promise I thought her dad had, he agrees. He only mentions his Colt 45 twice. TWICE! C'mon, Bill! This wedding is going to happen and you aren't doing anything to stop it!

Time for Lauren to grow a pair and fire She-Pratt! Wow, She-Pratt is going to go ahead and CRY in the middle of the office. Yikes. Embarrassing for Lauren! Lauren made up some stupid reason about Kelly not having time to train a new person right now. To give you an idea of how lame that reason was, She-Pratt didn't even believe her when she said it.

So, in the wake of She-Pratt being FIRED FROM HER INTERNSHIP (seriously, does that even happen?!), she goes crying to Heidi and whines about how Lauren fired her. There was a tiny glimmer of "I told you so" in Heidi's eyes when she heard those words.

On the other side of town, Lauren tells Lo how She-Pratt cried during the firing. Lo has no pity and tells Lauren that she did what needed to be done. Geez, we got another Kelly Cutrone in training!

It's the big moment for Speidi! The third or fourth proposal! I've lost count at this point. Spencer rents a ferris wheel and when they get to the top it stops. Heidi is so scared by this that she yells, "Oh, Spency!" SPENCY! Haha! This whole season has been worth it just to hear that nickname. Anyway, Spencer tells Heidi that he asked her dad for permission to marry her. Heidi's surprised and tells Spencer that getting married is a bad idea. And that he'd have to make amends with Lauren AND Darlene (Heidi's mom) and give her a huge, princess wedding before she would even consider it. So, he makes up some crap about pretending to do those things and then drops some bling on her to make her forget about all that other stuff. The ring is huge, from what I can tell. It looks to be a yellow diamond, but it's tough to say since it's dark. Heidi is all smiles and they share an awkward kiss and that's that. The wedding is ON. And supposedly it's in two weeks on the season finale. That's some quick planning!

What's next: Will Heidi and Spencer ever get off that ferris wheel? Will She-Pratt and Lauren make up? Will someone please tell Justin Bobby to crash the wedding in those ridiculous black and white socks he was wearing last week?

"Uhhhh...line!"

Another week of Audrina drama is upon us. J-Bob found out about Audrina and Broday's tryst in Hawaii and he's not happy. Even though they weren't technically together...those two are destined to be together and unhappy for the rest of their lives.

In more crazy person news, She-Pratt is showing Lauren her true colors by announcing that she wants to stop stressing about work and go on a "man-hunt." She already found a cute guy she likes (Robert) and she can't focus for 5 seconds to listen to Lauren as she warns her not to slack off at work. I think I see where this is going...it's called previews. MTV needs a lesson in the art of surprise.

Heidi and her work friend are talking about all they still have left to do for a work event and Heidi's all, "I know, I still have to get my nails done and find a new outfit," and work friend stares at her thinking, "Do you do any actual work?" Oh, and Heidi gets a text message from Stacy to visit her and talk. Awesome, can't wait.

In not-at-all-surprising news, She-Pratt is distracted at work and isn't listening to Lauren about what she needs to do. Lauren is supposed to go style an event all by herself tomorrow and she's entrusting She-Pratt to pack her bags for her. MISTAKE.

Audrina is working a showcase (how about this week's episode and all the actual work being done?!) and ordering people around. While the band performs, she gets a call from J-Bob! He wants to talk about Hawaii so she agrees to meet him tomorrow.

Surprise, She-Pratt forgot to pack a bag for Lauren for the shoot. So Lauren calls She-Pratt and asks her to bring the clothes to her at the shoot, but since She-Pratt is "on her lunch break" she won't go. Lauren hangs up on her (!) and decides to get a messenger to do it. She-Pratt is getting canned!

Heidi and Stacy have the lamest polite-fight ever. A fight where they pretend like they're being nice but they are actually saying things like, "You're crazy," "You're a homewrecker," "Your boyfriend is a d***," and "Good luck finding a guy," all in a super friendly tone of voice. It's hilarious.

Audrina met up with J-Bob and they "talked things through." Uhhh, not so much. Audrina gets there and after telling J-Bob to stop calling and texting her, she gets up to leave. J-Bob follows her and they yell a little bit in the street. But Audrina is obviously done messing with J-Bob drama, so she doesn't put up with his requests to listen to his side of things. I say good for her!

Kelly Cutrone is back and she's pissed! She asks to see Lauren in her office and when She-Pratt asks if she wants to see her too, she responds with, "No. I don't." Oh, she's catty and curt and I love it. Kelly tells Lauren that someone is going to pay for the mistake and that Lauren has to take care of it by the end of the week. Hehehe, Lauren has to fire She-Pratt. Awesome! But Lauren gets back to her desk and chickens out! Oh, Lauren, it's best to do it right away, like Kelly says - "Like a guillotine." Yes, Kelly. Yes.

Next week: some stuff happens. Maybe Lauren fires She-Pratt, maybe not. My DVR cut out before they showed the previews. This is better, actually. Maybe I'll be surprised by some of the next episode!

This guy? Really?

The aftermath of the Broday and Audrina hook up is about to unfold. Lauren and Audrina go shopping and when Lauren tells Audrina that Jayde (Broday's gf) and Broday have been fighting for days since he told her about the Hawaii hookup, Audrina's response is, "So it's an issue?" What. The. Crap. Audrina? YES. It is an ISSUE. My God, you sleep with a guy who has a girlfriend and you think that she'll understand that "feelings are feelings" as Broday so eloquently put it? Oh no, it's about to GO DOWN. Jayde is gunnin' for you. Not all gf's are as understanding (read: idiotic) as Heidi and let their bf's do whatever they want.

Hey, everybody! Heidi's work friend is back and she's wearing a shirt with a tie attached to it! And scene.

Frankie's having a BBQ and Lauren and Lo show up sans Audrina. They aren't dumb enough to bring along Jayde's nemesis. But Audrina texts anyway to say that she's coming and Lauren's all, "Who's she coming with?" As in: "What idiot decided that it would be a good idea to get involved with this fight?"

It would also appear that there's some drama in Heidiwood. Spencer is seeing that trampy waitress again and Heidi read his text from Stacy so she knows that they're supposed to meet up! So, Heidi grabs her sister and She-Pratt and they go to the same bar to confront that home-wrecker! (Also, what is happening with She-Pratt? The bronzer, the necklace? OMG, lady. You need to cool it.)

So, Broday's gf, Jayde? She looks like a tranny. I'm not even trying to be mean, but I kept thinking, who does she look like? She looks like a man. Her eye brows are WHACK, she has duck lips and she has enough foundation on to cover some five o'clock shadow. I guess what I'm trying to say is: Audrina stands little to no chance of walking out of this BBQ without getting bitch-slapped. Audrina and Jayde attempt to talk it out, but it doesn't go very well, because Audrina doesn't admit to doing anything wrong and Jayde seems to get so mad that she can't even think of anything to say. So, Audrina leaves. I guess she's banned until Jay-day break up?

Watching therapy sessions with Speidi is the best part of this show. It's like finally someone with half a brain can get in the middle of their fights and make them realize that they are idiots.

Audrina and She-Pratt decide to go to a party where Broday and Jayde are also likely to be. Jayde is drinking Jager straight from the bottle the way someone might drink water after a long run. And, as one might expect, she confronts Audrina and things get awkward. In the end, even though Audrina talked a big game about standing up to Jayde, she leaves because she can't handle the drama.

Ooh, Spencer's back for some solo therapy! He actually makes way more sense when talking to someone who's not a raging moron. But, even though he knows that all he needs to do to fix the current drama between him and Heidi is to stop going out to the clubs, he can't promise to do that. That's the Spencer I know!

Lauren meets up with Broday with their obligatory once-a-season dinner date and they talk about the love triangle that is destroying Broday's life. Lauren thinks that Broday needs to apologize to Audrina because she's been facing the wrath from Jayde, but he doesn't think that's a good idea because Jayde would probably find out and kick his a$$. So he thinks the apology should wait and Lauren responds with, "Sometimes we sacrifice friendships for the ones we love. It wouldn't be the first time." You see what she did there? She brought it right back to her. That selfish little minx can't let others have the spotlight for two seconds?!

Next time: Audrina says good-bye to J-Bob; Heidi confronts Stacy; and She-Pratt FAILS at her internship (surprise!).

Is this whore-y enough?

On this week's episode of The Hills, the girls crash the boys' weekend in Hawaii. Broday is mad for 4 seconds and then the girls agree to do shots and he's in heaven. I think Doug is on this trip. As in, Doug the guy who dated Lauren to be on The Hills and then moved to She-Pratt to stay on The Hills and then gave up on The Hills and moved to Paris Hilton. THAT Doug. He sucks. And there's also Frankie and Sleazy T and Broday, of course. For the girls there's Lauren, Lo, Audrina and She-Pratt.

Heidi and Spencer are shopping in Barnes and Noble (probably staging a photo shoot in the children's books section!) and Heidi mentions that Colby, her ex-boyfriend from forever ago, is coming to town for a visit. Well, of course he is! Those two haven't seen each other in five years and after one arranged visit in CO (by Heidi's mom!) they are suddenly friends again. Spencer is jealous, obviously, even though anyone could tell that Heidi was so not into Colby when she was forced to eat dinner with him. But Colby goes to Bible college, so I think he could give some great advice to Spencer.

Oooh, it's a double date with Speidi and Colby and his girlfriend. Ha! Looks like Spencer has nothing to worry about! Colby's girlfriend, Ashley, warms up to Heidi right away by telling her that "she looks so different." OMG! This girl is incredibly unaware and I love it! Heidi is pretty surprised because she must have a Don't Talk About My Plastic Surgery Clause written into her contract. Looks like Ashley didn't sign it! They go on to talk about how they are saving themselves for marriage and Spencer's jaw basically hits the floor. He's having a lot of fun messing with them and even invites Colby to go boxing with him the next day. I hope Colby beats the crap out of him.

Over in Hawaii She-Pratt tells Audrina that hooking up with Broday might be a good way to get J-Bob back. She's got a million ideas, folks! Priceless.

Boxing time with Spencer and Colby gives way to more questions from Spencer about how Colby could possibly manage to stay a virgin. Colby informs him that it's not hard and that he prays a lot, but that he's looking forward to a bigger payoff. And that's when he invites Spencer to join his Bible Study that night. Because Colby hosts a Traveling Bible Study? Awesome!

Tensions arise in Hawaii when Audrina admits to having a little crush on Broday. How is this not super weird for Lauren and Audrina?!

At the Traveling Bible Study, where it would seem that Spencer and Heidi both had their own Bibles (!), Spencer asks to see the verse where it forbids sex before marriage. Ashley refers to it as "fornification" and Colby quickly corrects her, "fornication!" Not that he, you know, pays attention to that or anything, gah! Anywhoo, they find the verse that condemns Speidi to hell and then move on. Spencer is saddened by this news, I guess, and decides to text during Bible Study. And let's be honest, even if he and Heidi weren't going to hell before, he'd be well on his way already.

Drama is averted in Hawaii when Broday refuses Audrina's subtle offer to be "more than friends." AKA, he didn't follow her inside the house. Frankie gives him shit for it, but he tells everyone that he's in love with his girlfriend, Jayde. He's a better man than I thought he was, but I'm pretty sure that Jayde sucks.

Oh snap! Nevermind! He just waltzed into the house to talk to Audrina and told her that he thinks she's sweet and that he's glad they've been friends for so long and he doesn't want there to be any hard feelings. BUT...if something were to happen one night, with no one else around, well "feelings are feelings." That's the Broday I know! And it's confirmed the next morning as the girls wake up to discover that Audrina slept over at Broday's place! Good thing "no one else was around" so it can be their little secret!

As the boys and girls dish about what happened between Audrina and Broday, one thing is certain, Jayde is gonna cut a bitch. Audrina, watch your back!

Don't hate.

I haven't recapped in two, now three weeks. I suck. I just watched the last two episodes of The Hills and here's the interesting stuff. This week's episode to follow tomorrow!

Wedding FAIL

With the Speidi wedding coverage all over the interwebs, it's a little hard to play into the possible break-up drama. The "will they or won't they?" factor is gone, and it wasn't even all that strong to begin with, considering that those two fame-whores will do anything to get attention. This is their biggest media stunt to date. But I can't wait for when Heidi pees in an outdoor toilet to find out if she's preggers or not. (And PS - Is that Darlene in that photo?! Heidi's mom?! I expected more from you, D. I really did.)

And speaking of fame-whores! She-Pratt is begging Lauren to get her an internship at People's Revolution. I can already tell that Kelly Cutrone is not going to like She-Pratt. And yet Lauren is going to risk her job to get her an interview. Lauren might have stopped making stupid decisions about boys, but she hasn't stopped making stupid decisions!

At the interview, Kelly eats her alive. She busts her chops about wanting to use PR to build her handbag line. And then she asks if She-Pratt can use a computer and print labels. Any office monkey can print a damn label and She-Pratt has no clue. She is hopeless. If she gets this internship then it will be because MTV paid Cutrone to do it.

In Speidi news, Heidi returns from CO and she and Spencer are still fighting. She-Pratt convinces Heidi to hit the bars to try and find Spencer and his friend Charlie to see if he's behaving. And what do you know?! A million bars in LA and they happen to find the one that Spencer goes to! Incredible detective work, ladies. And how is it that Spencer will still not admit to being a d-bag even when Heidi catches him out with the bartender and her friends?! He is the worst. And now that I know about the wedding, that makes Heidi, Mrs. Worst.

MTV is shilling out the big bucks! She-Pratt got the internship. But Kelly told Lauren that if she screws up then she's got to fire her. Awesome. Another friendship doomed to fail.

Even though I know that she won't back up her words, Heidi did give Spencer what-for at lunch the next day. It's probably the most "real" she's ever been and it was great to see her act like a human being in a relationship. But nothing lasts forever...

You're kidding me, right?

Even though J-Bob did "put a ring on it," Audrina is unhappy in the relationship, so she's looking for a new guy. She-Pratt is FAILING at her internship at PR. And Speidi is still fighting about going to a therapist. So let's see how this episode shakes down.

Audrina has her eyes set on...wait for it...BRODAY! Good God, it's just like high school when all the popular kids just dated other popular kids and swapped boyfriends and girlfriends over and over. That didn't make sense then and it doesn't make sense now. Broday was with Lauren and Lauren is Audrina's best (ish) friend so any combination of those three is going to equal AWKWARD. Not to mention the fact that Broday is dating some duck-lipped hoochie mama (Jayde) who's getting very possessive. Yeah, that'll last.

There's some classic J-Bob in this episode. Me-thinks he's back on the sauce again because he's all over the place. Broday's trying to convince him to win Audrina back and he's bouncing to the music, and interrupting Broday with, "We should go surfing again!" Focus, J-Bob. Unfortunately, even when he's focused, he's still an idiot and he and Audrina start fighting again. I thought they were totally broken up, but she's still acting like they're together and that he's a bad boyfriend. Oh, those two.

Guess who sucks at their job? A LOT. She-Pratt. Like, more than words can say. She's got ADD or something. She doesn't focus and when Lauren asks her a question, she spaces out and won't answer. This was a huge mistake. But I secretly hope that Kelly fires her and she goes down in a blaze of whatever the opposite of glory is. Shame maybe. That would work.

Hehehe, it's time for therapy with our favorite couple! They start blabbing about their pathetic drama-filled lives and the therapist (my new favorite person!) calls them "high schoolish." BAM! Take THAT, Speidi! You just got served. Therapy-style. And then the therapist makes them face each other and tell the other one how they feel. Spencer doesn't take it seriously, so Heidi flips and then the therapist sides with Heidi at first, but then is all, "Why are you still with him if you think he's checked out emotionally?" God, therapy is awesome. It's like the perfect way to get people to understand that they are acting like d-bags.

The ladies who lunch (Lauren, Lo and Audrina) decide that they take a trip to Hawaii at the same time the boys are taking their trip to Hawaii. But they promise, "no drama." "Famous last words," says Lauren. Indeed.

Next time on The Hills: Audrina and Broday?! Say it ain't so! Bro-dri-nay? Awesome.

Hope you brought a barf-bag!

Because the rough seas of friendship are about to get a little choppy! Welcome back, bitches! Hope you enjoyed your Speidi-Free time because it's about to end. Right now. I heard Lauren isn't really featured that much this season because her life was "drama-free," but I know that those two idiots will be able to bring some drama to the table. As you've probably heard by now, this will be Lauren's last season of The Hills. As in, Lauren is wisely moving on with her life and MTV is going to continue this show without her. I don't know how I feel about that. Without Lauren the show's anchor would be Audrina? Heidi? SPENCER?! Oh god no!

Anyway, let's begin with the recap, shall we? We open - where else? - at lunch. She-Pratt and Heidi start gabbing about Lauren's upcoming surprise party. It seems as if Heidi wasn't invited. Shocker. But Heidi is shocked since she and Lauren have been "talking and texting and stuff." So She-Pratt agrees to take the fall and bring her as her guest. I smell drama!

Well, well, well...look who's finally friendly! It's Lo and Audrina! It seems they've joined forces to throw Lauren a surprise party. And, being the good script-reading girls that they are, they fill us in on what's happened with them during their hiatus. JustinBobby is out of the picture (Ha! Yeah right, Audrina.), because even "after the ring" he gave her in Palm Springs, nothing changed. I never would have seen that coming, Audrina, don't feel bad (*eye roll*). Also, the girls make it seem like the Lauren-Heidi thing is a little one-sided...aka Heidi is a pathetic loser who won't stop stalking Lauren.

And speaking of the pathetic loser! Heidi and She-Pratt are getting gussied up and whispering about how Heidi didn't tell anyone that she was coming - not even Spencer! So they flat out lie (and poorly, I might add), that they're going to girls' night out and that Lauren *might* be there. I mean, it's her birthday, so I'd give it at least a 50/50 chance, right?

Lauren's bday party is on a yacht and she is blindfolded so she has no clue where they are. The girls actually pull off a pretty good surprise, thanks mostly to Frankie who yells in Lauren's blindfolded face and scares the crap out of her! Another job well done, Frankie.

Back in D-bag Village, we are introduced to Charlie, "Spencer's Friend." Riiiight. I'm guessing he's a cameraman? paid extra? hobo? they hired to complete the scene. We are also introduced to Stacie, the bartender at some skeezy club. She's pouring shots of Patron, the same thing that Spencer had right before he tricked Heidi into marrying him. Awwww.

Oh, and in case you were worried about it, Heidi made it to the yacht before it left the dock! Now they're all on board together! The only way to get away from her is to jump ship. Pretty ruthless plan, Heidi. She's smarter than we give her credit fo--hahahahaha! I'm sorry, even I couldn't make it through that without laughing. Anyway, Lauren's pissed at She-Pratt for inviting her former bestie. Looks like She-Pratt's going overboard!

Lots of talking going on at the yacht. Not surprisingly, the whole Heidi drama has taken over the night. But Lauren's not freaking out about it. On the contrary, she and She-Pratt have a good talk about why she and Heidi aren't friends (hint: it's because of Spencer!) and how she can't understand why Heidi just won't let it be. Lo also gives some words of advice to Heidi and I doubt Heidi will listen to them because she doesn't like taking good advice.

We return to Spencer's night of debauchery and it looks like he's encountered an enemy - She-Pratt's ex-boyfriend. He goes to say hello, but ex-bf is none-to-pleased to see Spencer flirting with the hottie bartender. Me-thinks he'll be spilling the beans about this!

And about 3 seconds later She-Pratt gets a text from her ex about Spencer's flirting. She waits about half a second before telling Heidi and Heidi proclaims that she "wants to get off the boat." Well, here's a life vest and a paddle. We'll be seein' ya!

Turns out she just calls Spencer and asks if the rumor is true, which he denies. And then he tells her he's going to go beat up ex-bf for lying. Spencer's a d-bag and all, but there's no way he can win a fight. And yet, ex-bf is shockingly wimpy! After trash-talking for a minute, Spencer finally wails on the guy, catching him off-guard. He proceeds to punch him a good 5 or 6 times before the fight is broken up. Then, he grabs his jacket, tells his "friend" that they're bouncing and off he goes. News reaches the yacht fast and before even Heidi knows, someone yells that "Spencer just hit Cameron!"

Lauren decides to take this opportunity to remind Heidi just how much Spencer sucks. She doesn't mince words and things get pretty emotional. If you watched the trailer, you know what happens, and it seems as if the girls honestly wish that the situation was different but neither of them can agree on how to make it work now. Tears are shed and hugs are given. In the end, they are still up-in-the-air as friends.

We were on a break!

Spencer decides to pay She-Pratt a visit and tell her off. Because this whole thing was clearly her fault. Spencer is obviously blaming everyone but himself for the encounter at the bar and resulting fight with Heidi. But I don't know how far that will get him because Heidi is FINALLY acting like a semi-normal adult! She decides that the only person she can trust in this situation is the bartender from the night that Spencer got into a fight. Turns out she was right, because homegirl was completely honest with Heidi and told her what Spencer said. She also mentioned that if that were *her* man, she wouldn't be happy with the way he acted. Thankfully someone is telling it like it really is! Now, if only Heidi would actually listen to her.

After a brief argument in which Heidi told Spencer that she knows what really happened at the bar and Spencer tried to turn things around on Heidi ("I can't believe you don't trust me!"), Speidi are taking yet another break. This time Heidi's going back to CO to think about things. Who wants to put money down on Spencer going out there again to surprise her?!

I guess Lauren is still enrolled in school? Uhhh, OK. She and She-Pratt are out looking at fabric swatches and Lauren isn't being very helpful. She finally tells S-P that she doesn't think it was cool that Heidi went to her birthday party and that if S-P was really her friend she would have told Heidi not to go. Then S-P went a little crazy and asked, "Why can't you just be friends with her?!" And Lauren was like, "Because I hate your brother and she's marrying him!" Ah-ha! Don't you remember, She-Pratt? It's not just because Lauren has too many friends and can't fit one more in the group. Lauren tells S-P to seriously stop trying to force Heidi and her to be friends. And I doubt S-P will listen, but good try anyway.

Hell has frozen over! Broday and Spencer together again! Spencer sent Broday a text about his "desperate situation" and Broday had to answer the call of a former BFF. Sounds nice, right? Oh, that's until you hear Broday agreeing with Spencer. Saying that he should be mad at Heidi for believing Cameron over him. See, and this is where your logic falls apart, Broday...SPENCER WAS FLIRTING WITH THE BARTENDER. Get it through your head!! Cameron was totally in the right sending a text to She-Pratt. He didn't know that S-P would show it to Heidi right away or at all. God, these people are driving me crazy!

Hmmm, on the other hand, Broday is trying to convince Spencer to spread his wings and have some guy time. Yeah. Yeah, I like where this is going. Go on, Spencer, go have some guy time. He won't make it one night without eff-ing something up. Speidi will be dunzo!

In chilly Colorado, Heidi's parents are trying to convince her to go back with her old boyfriend (of like 20 year ago), Colby. He's got his act together, keeps asking about Heidi and...whatdaya know?! He just happens to be at the restaurant! What?! Such a coincidence! OK, I don't know how many people even read this blog, or out of those people how many actually still watch The Hills. But the scene in the CO restaurant is priceless, I'm telling you. This Colby kid sits at their table and Heidi's mom proceeds to recount all the good times he and Heidi had together. Then she starts saying how Colby was a wrestling stud back in the day and Heidi fires back with, "Spencer is a purple belt in Jiu Jitsu." AAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

I'm sorry, but I have to catch my breath. That's the funniest thing that's ever been said on The Hills, including all of JustinBobby's drug-induced ranting. Thanks, Heidi. Thanks a million.

Broday and Lauren meet up to dish about the bday party and the resulting drama. And Lauren mentions that she thinks it's funny that after Spencer and Heidi burned both Lauren and Broday, they have no one else to call except for them. Oh Lauren, you are so wise.

And while Heidi is in CO telling her mom that she's glad that she and Spencer didn't get married, Spencer is back at that bar flirting it up with the bartender. Oh, he's wooing her good. Giving her the ol' weasel eyes and trying to put his skeezy beard in just the right light. Yeah, I bet the ladies are glad that he's back on the prowl. And PS, what girl in her right mind witnesses the drama that goes down between a boyfriend and a girlfriend and thinks, "Yeah, I need a man like that. I wonder if they're over yet." If she wants him, she can have him.

This season on The Hills! Spencer and that bartender really go out on a date! Lauren gets She-Pratt a job at People's Revolution (Kelly Cutrone is BACK!), Broday gets a new girlfriend just as Audrina tells him that she has a crush on him and She-Pratt tells her to hook up with Broday to get JustinBobby back! It's gonna be a good one! You know, relative to other seasons...not actually good.

Coming Soon

So, I was all prepared to write the recap of The Hills tonight. But I guess it's an hour long and MTV.com hasn't put it online yet. I waited patiently for about 15 minutes and watched several videos online, including that one from Justin Timberlake and Ciara. Um, have you seen that yet? It's crazy. You should check it out if you enjoy either of those two artists, but it's not exactly safe for work. That's all I'm saying.

Tune in tomorrow for my Hills Season 5 premiere recap!

Get out your Kleenex!

It's the new trailer for The Hills Season Five!! MTV is calling this the trailer for Season Four "bonus episodes," but they should just fess up to the fact that America's Best Dance Crew isn't pulling in those ratings like they'd hoped. (I actually love that show, but the truth hurts). Let's take a look! Recap below!



We open with Lauren visiting a card reader. Is she an idiot? People on The Hills need to STOP PRETENDING THEY AREN'T ON TV! I could be a card reader too if my clients' lives were broadcast for millions of people to see.

"I see that you have terrible taste in men. You seem to pick the biggest d-bags around and pretend that you can change them."

See? Easy. So, nice try lady, give Lauren her $50 bucks back.

Anyway, it's Lauren's birthday and her friends have decided to throw her a surprise party. Is it a costume party? Because Lauren is dressed as a flapper. That deep red lipstick is not a great look for you, Conrad, keep trying. Determined to win her friend back, Heidi decides to crash the party and make a grand gesture to show Lauren how much...she's still ruining other people's lives? I'm confused, but let's go with it.

In Heidi's other life, we see that Spencer has gone back to his flirting ways and is trying to pick up a bartender. And then he denies it to Heidi when She-Pratt's boyfriend tells on him. Spencer is pissed, things are likely to get ugly.

Back in Lauren-land, the whole gang gathers to celebrate the last night in Lauren's house. Why do they move every year? Especially when Lauren doesn't have any idea what she's going to do next. Is it like the Real World where MTV picks a new location and tricks out these amazing houses for jerks to live in on their tab? Wow, I think I just solved that mystery. I'm a regular Sherlock over here!

Now we see snow bunny Heidi (in a ridiculous hat) telling her mom that she doesn't know if she and Spencer can "get through this." Her mom basically does cartwheels upon hearing this news. Operation Bring Speidi Down is officially in action.

And it looks like things are bad enough to make Spencer go crawling back to Broday! I thought that they were DUNZO. But Lauren comments to Broday that the two people Spencer and Heidi screwed over the most are the only two people they have left. Ouch!

This really does play like a movie trailer. And now it's time for the big finale! Lauren and Heidi. Together. Crying. Hugging. I would be lying if I said that I didn't tear up when I watched this. And on that note, I must go and seriously re-evaluate my life. See you in March, bitches!

So I married a d-bag

Another season is about to come to an end. Will Heidi really marry Spencer in a court of law? Will Lauren be able to find a friend who sticks with her through thick and thin (Lo doesn't count, sorry)? Will Whitney ever talk to any of these losers ever again? Let's find out...right now!

In the aftermath of the Speidi wedding, Heidi returns to work at Bolthouse (as an intern?) and she's meeting up with Work Friend and Brent to talk "business." Brent asks the girls how their vacations were and Heidi admits to getting married after they "had a couple margaritas." Nice. Brent's response? "Shut up." and then "Alright." Yeah, that's about everyone's reaction, Brenty boy!

Lauren and Lo are getting primped for an event that night. Bolthouse is throwing the event and Heidi will likely be there. All this build up will lead up to a Lauren/Heidi reunion. So, get ready.

Oh. God. This is the ultimate Justin Bobby shot if ever there was one. Check that out. Overalls. No shirt. On a hog. Yep. That pretty much sums up Justin Bobby in a nutshell. Where the hell are those two heading? Looks like a little bungalow in Palm Springs. Just the two of them. For a weekend retreat without drama. Pop open the champagne!

Whoa, things just got real. Heidi's mom is in town. You can cut the tension with a knife. She and Spencer are just sitting in silence. When Heidi comes in she's surprised to see her mom and I think that's the point. This is an intervention, you idiot. Mom gets pretty upset about the whole thing, but Heidi defends her decision again by referencing the margaritas (seriously, you should cut that from your description, you aren't making it any better) and a beautiful sunset. Her mom says that if Heidi's happy then she's happy, but then she starts crying because it's just another example of how she isn't involved in Heidi's life anymore. Heidi then invites her to City Hall the next day where they are going to make it legal. This is your chance, Darlene! Swipe Spencer with your SVU on the way there - I'll owe you big time! At least Spencer has learned to keep his mouth shut. He lets Heidi do all the talking and sits on the couch trying to look innocent.

Back in Palm Springs Justin and Audrina talk about their relationship. Justin starts talking about the heavens and his lucky stars and I'm pretty sure he almost says truth and time tell all, and then he tells her that he's so lucky to know Audrina. That he never opens up with other people. And then he gives her a ring. NOT what you're thinking. It's a sweet ring, very simple, but he gives it to her as a sign that...uh...um...he's not a d-bag? So, anyways, way to go, JBob!

It's event time! Heidi and Work Friend are schmoozing and meet up with Holly and She-Pratt. It's black tie and She-Pratt is wearing a fur vest and orange shirt. WTF? (*Side note: I'm almost positive that I saw Steven from the Real World Las Vegas at the party. The clip showed him for less than a second, but I have watched enough crappy MTV to pinpoint a Real Worlder from a mile away!) That's when they spot Lauren and Lo from across the room and they wave and it's civil, but Heidi immediately wants to go over to Lauren. So, She-Pratt tells her to do it. And Lo scurries away!

The Heidi and Lauren confrontation. Ya'll it was just so sad. It wasn't even remotely hostile. It's just too bad that things had to happen the way they did because they obviously care about each other even after all that's happened. I have to say, it's one of the few times on The Hills when Heidi seemed real. Not like robotic, reading cue cards, but emotional and heartfelt and honest. And Lauren admitted that she missed Heidi and was there for her if she ever really needed anything. It was just a nice moment between two former friends and I'm glad they repaired some of the damage. Oh, and DEATH to Spencer!

The real Spencer comes out when Darlene confronts him and says that he manipulated the whole wedding. She tells him that she won't let him go to the courthouse to make it legal. But it's an empty threat and Spencer knows it and so he acts like a d-bag and smiles a fake smile and then calls her "mom." STRANGLE HIM, DARLENE!! DO IT!

In Palm Springs JBob and Audrina share a nice morning together and automatically become the most normal couple on the show. Congrats, guys!

It's time for the wedding event of the year! In a courtroom. Wah-wah. Heidi is having doubts because her mom did not show up to support her. And so she heads to the bathroom to "freshen up" aka "jump out the window!" While she's gone, She-Pratt (the witness) tells Spencer that he shouldn't go through with it because it's a scary courtroom wedding and she's supposed to remember this day forever and all she's going to remember is the police officer and judge and that her mom and sister aren't talking to her. All sound arguments. And yet, they proceed with the ceremony. Heidi says her vows and then... THEN.

Spencer stops the ceremony. He won't do it if Heidi is upset about her mom not being there. He will wait to get married if that what she wants. Wow. I can't even believe that he did that. I hate him a little less now. Very little, but it's something. So, the whole wedding thing was a fraud. They aren't married. Heidi, there's still time to get out! I'm getting together with Darlene to break these two apart! With my blog and her actually knowing each of them, I think we stand a chance!

I think that as far as season finales goes, this one was pretty good. We had actual drama instead of manufactured drama and it wasn't a huge let down. I was actually surprised that the wedding was a no-go. Speidi has done a lot of press about how they legally got married, but that was just a sham, it seems. Well played, you a-holes.

See you all next season. Happy Holidays!

We've officially bottomed out

I know People.com doesn't count as an actual news source, but seriously? This is the type of questions we're asking these days? And I am only feeding the fire by writing this blog. I may have to re-evaluate my life during The Hills hiatus.

One union ends and another begins. And I just threw up.

Buckle up, kids, this episode will follow the train wreck that was the Speidi wedding. I'm going to have to ignore my own one-line rule for Speidi this post. So you've been warned. Spencer's brainwashing is near completion. Heidi and Spencer arrive in Mexico and it looks as if the vacation was a surprise for Heidi. Spencer tells her that this will be the most memorable vacation of her life and he's probably right. I think it's nearly impossible to forget that weekend in Mexico when you throw caution to the wind and decide to marry a d-bag.

Back in LA, Whit gets a phone call offering her the job at Diane von Furstenberg! Lauren makes faces both sad and happy. Well done.

You know how Speidi always pose for paparazzi in ridiculous getups and situations (like this and this)? Well, I think their need for attention may have permanently altered their brains. Heidi waltzes out to their terrace with champagne wearing a bikini and HIGH HEELS. Spencer is casually lounging on a chair reading a book (probably War & Peace) and it's just like a scene out of a movie. Just to clarify, I mean any one of the Saw movies. Moving on...

LA again - She-Pratt pays a visit to Audrina and JBob is there hanging out, so I guess they're back together...again. She-Pratt is looking high and low (hence the visit to Audrina's - burn!) and cannot find Speidi. She's called everyone, even her mom, who apparently talks to Heidi every day. Alert the authorities! Speidi's on the loose!

Over in Cabo, Speidi spend the night awkwardly sitting alone drinking shots of Patron. Looks like Heidi's sloshed and Spencer uses this ample opportunity to tell her that they should get married. Yes, he told her. He didn't ask her. She's looped out of her mind, and he's trying to trick her into marrying him. He's the devil.

Whitney's going away party attracts Lauren, Lo, Audrina, Broday and Whitney's mom and dad, who are even whiter than Whitney. After a nice speech by Whit's dad, everyone gets all teary-eyed. Whit's leaving and they're all super sad because they've forgotten momentarily about hew new MTV spinoff, The City!

Back in Cabo, Spencer keeps trying to convince Heidi to marry him. Let me give you a few tidbits of his proposal: "madly obsessed with you" "I haven't left your side in two and a half years" "I pretty much keep you from the whole world." Soooo...wanna get married or somethin? Heidi says yes because she's brainwashed and they start to makeout and it's disgusting. Spencer interrupts by saying, "Save some for the honeymoon, yo!" and Heidi responds by saying, "I'll show you what a wife does." Did anyone manager to NOT throw up after reading that? Me neither. They are the WORST.

Lauren and Whitney go out for lunch and recount the memories, which leads to Lauren getting a good cry out. It's a touching moment, except for the fact that Whitney is stone faced! No tears at all. Lauren's really letting go and all Whitney can say is, "I'm really touched that we made it this far." Really? I don't think you are. Because if you were, you'd be CRYING. She's gonna take New York by storm!

Since the news broke that Speidi got married, there has been evidence that it wasn't as shocking as the show - and Speidi - would have us believe. Apparently you need all kinds of different licenses and IDs and birth certificates and basically, they orchestrated the entire thing. Now, the morning after - Heidi admits that the Patron might have helped Spencer accomplish his marriage mission. They watch the video of them after the ceremony and the whole time Heidi keeps saying, "I can't believe we did this." Not in an exciting way, either. It sounds more like regret. Especially when she imagines telling her mom. Yep, that's regret alright!

Whit's getting ready to board her plane for NYC! She has one suitcase and a carry-on bag. I pack more for a 4-day trip than she does when moving her entire life to a new city. I guess she's really starting over up there. Are you guys gonna watch her new show?

Next time on the SEASON FINALE! Heidi's mom comes down to try and talk some sense into Heidi (good luck, I've been trying to do it for years via this blog with no luck); Justin maybe proposes to Audrina (probably not) and Lauren and Heidi have a confrontation that is less violent than those in episodes past. Oh, and Spencer acts like a d-bag to Heidi's mom - surprise! Thank jeebus this season is finally ending!

"Guess who's on the phone!" Satan.

This week we get to watch Whitney reach for the stars! Kelly Cutrone has set up an interview for her at Diane von Furstenberg to do in-house PR. Kelly must get some kind of sweet commission or something because why would she want to get rid of Whit? The job is in NYC - the same place where her music man boyfriend resides - which means Whitney would be relocating. Wouldn't it be a great idea for MTV to do like a spin-off show following Whitney around? They should look into that...and give me some sort of "finder's fee." Thanks, MTV! Love ya!

Lauren and Audrina decide to remain friends for the good of the networ--I mean, uh, friendship. Yep, and so they are hanging out, it's not awkward at all! Lauren brings up Justin Bobby and wonders if Audrina still "wants that." Audrina responds that she still "wants it" and I vomit in my mouth a little bit. Lauren also tells Audrina that her parents are moving from their Laguna Beach home so she and Lo are gonna go and pack up her old room. Seriously? This is episode-worthy material here? I can't wait to watch Lauren and Lo look through old yearbooks and pretend that their high school days were just like everyone elses.

She-Pratt meets up with Cheester Cheetah (the beard is outta control) and he tells her to dump Cameron. His logic? They've broken up like 4 or 5 times. He has the nerve to say to her, "Do you know how immature this relationship sounds from an outside perspective?" Yeeeah, because she's gonna take relationship advice from a guy who got his girlfriend fired, alienated all his girlfriend's friends and family and generally has no concept of how to be a good human being. Riiiight.

Over at People's Revolution Whit tells Lauren about her DvF interview. Of course Lauren's sad, but she knows that this is the big time for Whitney.

I've seen the DvF offices before on Project Runway, and they are massive and very simplistic with large sculptural pieces and a ginormous staircase. Whitney has to walk up the staircase and I had a Good Morning America flashback for a second, but she handled it. In heels no less! She nails with interview with her future boss who looks like a sassy minx! She's gonna be trouble!

She-Pratt breaks up with Cameron. That's it. Whatever. It's time for me to admit that I watch The Hills on MTV.com. Way less commercials and I can write the recap as I watch. It's really raw that way, you know? Totally in-the-moment blogging. But, I'm telling you this because there are comments on MTV.com below the video of the episode and they are usually stupid, but this one hit the nail on the head. Observe:

"NOBODY CARES WHAT HAPPENS WITH STEPHANIE PRATTS LIFE....... SHE IS FAKE..... CUT THAT WHOLE SEGMENT OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Can someone get that person a blog?

Lauren and Lo take a trip down memory lane by reading Lauren's old diary and her will. Not kidding. She requested to be buried in her homecoming dress with her crown. Awesome.

In NYC, music man meets up with Whitney after her interview and they are the cutest couple ever. He better not be a jerk face. Those musician types are tricky! I might have to watch The City just to see Whitney and Jay (music man) interact. Finally some reality in this damn show. Their love isn't jaded yet like all of Lauren's relationships. How refreshing.

Next time: Whit gets a job! She moves away and Lauren loses yet another friend. Maybe losing isn't the right word, but whatever. And it looks as if we get to witness the Speidi nuptials! I AM GAGGING.

Is it just me or is she about to laugh?

Looks like we have to watch more of this Lauren/Audrina feud in tonight's episode. I really need to know how long these arguments go on in real life because I'm barely two episodes and I'm already about to die. Imagine if you had to live it! *Shudder*

Over at Epic Records, Audrina and Bangs are trying to deconstruct the situation. Here's a question for ya: why doesn't Bangs wear makeup when she knows she's gonna be on national television? I mean, it's one thing to act like you don't know who Spencer is when he waltzes into Bolthouse and asks to see Heidi. It's a much dumber thing to BE ON THE SHOW and pretend like you don't know about the show. I don't buy it, Bangs! Now put on some concealer so I can try and concentrate on what Audrina is saying instead of getting lost in your under-eye circles. As it is, I have no idea what was said in their convo. Probably something about Justin Bobby letting truth and time tell all.

Hey, it's Broday! Pool party at Lauren's! Guess what he wants to talk about?! Here we go again. Maybe he has some interesting Broday-isms to share. Let's see, we've got "You don't want someone like that (Audrina) in your life" and "It's a win-win" referring to how Audrina not being friends with Lauren is going to be all kinds of good! Thanks, Broday!

Over at Audrina's place, Horseface McTats is chillin' with Audrina and I bet you a hundred dollars I know what they want to talk about!! At least we're finally getting somewhere: she suggests that Audrina apologize to Lauren so that they can be friends again. JBob might be a lost cause, but since Audrina finally believes that the rumor is not true, then she might as well apologize for acting like a crazy lady.

Remember the last post when I said that I would only write one sentence about Speidi in every post? Here it is: They took She-Pratt over to visit Nana Pratt (who is awesome, as all grandma's are) and Spencer totally acted like a major jerk and kept talking about how he and Heidi see Nana all the time and are such good kids. Barf.

Lauren and Whitney pretend to work while gossiping about Whitney's music man (they still talk on the phone!) and then about - what else - the Audrina thing. Looks like Audrina is going to take Horsey's advice and apologize!

Nana Pratt and She-Pratt go out for a one-on-one talk and start talking smack about Spencer. She-Pratt asks why Spencer is her favorite grandchild and suggests that if Nana looked closer at Spencer then maybe he wouldn't be her favorite. Is it me, or is it weird that Nana is totally cool with She-Pratt saying that Spencer is her "favorite" grandchild? Isn't there an unwritten law that says all grandchildren are loved the same? And thou shalt never speak otherwise? Pretty sure it's a law. Anyway, not that She-Pratt's so awesome, but Spencer shouldn't be anyone's favorite anything. Period.

Get out your Kleenex, it's time for the big apology. Cue the sappy music. OK, so Lauren tells Audrina that she can't believe she didn't trust her enough not to believe the rumor and Audrina goes on about how she (Audrina) doesn't trust anyone. Then she says that she thinks she would be happier if she didn't have JBob in her life because she has been so torn up inside lately. Lauren tells her that she only wants her to be happy and hopes that she can learn to trust people. It's hard to tell if Lauren totally forgives her, but they do walk out together and make plans to hang out next week, but Lauren still makes a sad face and leaves without much fanfare. It looks as if Audrina thinks they made up though, she's all huge toothy smiles! That apology was lame though, Lauren didn't even cry and although Audrina did cry, she invested in waterproof mascara so it's not an ugly cry. Worthless. Just like this whole episode.

Next time: She-Pratt gets back together with her boyfriend...maybe. And Whitney goes to interview at Diane Von Furstenberg! The finale could be any week now, since we all now know what happens after that interview! I hope that means no more Audrina/Lauren drama.

I don't believe this

First off, it has to be said: I hope Heidi and Spencer are happy living the rest of their married lives together. Away from me. In a far away distant land with no paparazzi and fake photo ops. You know, just whatever. I don't even care about them. I hereby announce that for this post - and all future posts - that I will only devote one sentence to Speidi. So, let's begin!

A few months back the "scandalous" news of a Lauren and JBob hookup hit the gossip rags and it took everyone about half a second to realize that it was false. Why? Because we have eyes/noses and can see/smell why Lauren would never EVER want to hookup with JBob. He's disgusting. I mean, sure, he's made some changes. He's living a zen lifestyle and he's sober (maybe) and I think he's up to showering like 2 times a week, but still. It's just not happening. Too bad it took Audrina all episode and two ruined friendships to figure that out.

Not only did she ask Lauren and JBob repeatedly if they hooked up, but she didn't believe them when they told her no. Apparently a friend of Audrina's (Dino) told her that it happened, but it has been speculated that Audrina started the rumor herself to get more press. That would explain why she milked this rumor thing for the whole episode even when both parties involved vehemently denied the allegations. Uh, check that last sentence out. I could basically be a lawyer. I object!

In order to build her case (legal term), Audrina texted around a million people and told them the news. Such character witnesses as Broday, Frankie and She-Pratt! Oh yeah, that lineup will add credibility to your case. Overruled!

In addition to accusing both JBob and Lauren via phone calls and text messages, she also pays each one a face-to-face visit. Lauren's visit doesn't go well. Audrina's tone is very accusatory and she doesn't appreciate it. Then Lauren becomes a hostile witness (legal term) and Audrina storms out. OK, let's take a 30 minute recess. Geez, this lawyer stuff is hard.

Heidi has to work in a cubicle now! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!




Audrina's visit with JBob comes after she's sent him around 50 voicemails and texts and he finally meets up with her at a bar and agrees to plead his case. And we get to hear some evidence of her previous voicemails and it seems as if Audrina got a little mean on the phone. He's hurt by how she spoke to him. Obviously she was upset by the news, but what ever happened to innocent until proven guilty, Audrina? Did you even go to law school?!

So, now it seems that Audrina has lost both her best friend and her boyfriend. How will she get them back? She seems to feel that a meeting at a nightclub with Lauren could be the next step. And it might have worked...if she didn't ask Lauren AGAIN if the rumor was true or not!! Seriously. OK, and here is where things get messy. Lauren tells Audrina that she would never hook up with JBob because she thinks he is disgusting. I think her exact words were, "I would rather kill myself than hook up with him." Yikes. I was afraid that would happen. Clearly, Audrina is living in some kind of screwed up world where people like JBob are physically attractive to her, but I was not sure how she would respond to the news that others are repulsed by his presence. And now we find out, and it's not good. She gets defensive and lashes out at Lauren and tries to blame this whole thing on her. That's when Lauren says that Audrina is "way worse than Heidi." Ouch! Order in the court!

The way things are left after this episode makes me wonder how much more we'll be seeing of ol' Audrina. Oh well, good luck on the bar exam...you're gonna need it!

Next time: Nana Pratt visits! Maybe she can talk some sense into stupid Spencer. And Audrina attempts to rebuild her friendship with Lauren...again.

What is up with your face?

This episode is titled, "Back to New York," and it's mostly about Whitney so maybe it will be semi-interesting.

We start off at People's Revolution - Kelly Cutrone has requested that Lauren and Whit head to NYC to help with a busy fashion show. The girls are pumped and Whitney admits that her and that model dude from NYC have texted a little bit since she met him. Ohhh, how romantical!

This reminds me to ask if anyone is going to watch Whitney's new spin off, "The City," when it starts? I love Whit, but it looks boring. Not like this crap is so riveting, though. But I think that someone else needs to do recaps. Who's up for it?!

Anywhoodle, the girls arrive in NYC where Kelly is bitching everyone up and immediately she asks them, "Where's your black?" As in, if you aren't wearing black clothes, you are fired. But not really...I'm sure it was just a warning. They are working a men's fashion week runway show tonight and Whit's "boy" is in it!

Oh god, this next scene is so uncomfortable I can barely bring myself to type about it. I'll make it brief, as in the only thing the models were wearing while the girls tried not to to giggle right in their faces! So awkward! Lauren crushes on some dude from TX who is really cute, although kinda odd. And Whit runs into her "boy" and watches him strip down. Uh, yeah, like I said, AWKWARD!

Back in LA, jobless Heidi pouts while applying a pound of makeup and Spencer is all, Why are you upset? Being unemployed is working out great for me! And Heidi is not amused at all by his comments. She is clearly really annoyed with herself and Spencer for letting things happen that night the way they did. And let this be a lesson to you all, idiocy is no way to get ahead in life.

Catwalk time! Ewww, weird...the boys look all gross with some weird bronzer applied to their cheekbones to make them look tan? stupid? either one, really. The TX model invites the girls to a party after the show. The girls seem excited, and Whit's "boy" looks very stalker-y. He'll probably go with them and lurch in the background or something.

At the party Whit is enthralled with the musician who's on stage, and it turns out that he's TX model's BFF and roommie! Ah-ha! A little double date action, perhaps? Ah, no...it would seem that TX model has a girlfriend, and so all his flirting was apparently just for show. That's stupid. But Whit could care less because she can't even blink long enough to stop staring at this guy on stage. Uh oh, "boy" has arrived! He's trying to get Whit to pay attention to him, but she blows him off because she is clearly way more interested in the music man. When music man is done with his show, he heads down to where his friends are and meets the Whit and Lauren and they act like school girls with huge crushes and stare at him with mouths agape like they've never seen someone so hot. I mean, he's cute, but a little too grungy for my taste.

Over in LA, Speidi go out to "celebrate" Heidi's first night off in forever and they run into Brent Bolthouse! What a coincidence! This stuff almost never happens in real life, but it always works out for MTV! They are so lucky! Spencer acts like he has to use the restroom so that he can go over and talk to Brent. He tries to apologize (legitimately) and BB is like, "Uh, I don't think we should be having this conversation. I don't even know you. It's making me a little uncomfortable." What?! Geez, Brent is a total wimp. I think he almost called his bodyguard on SPENCER PRATT. Wow. Anyway, I don't think Spencer did Heidi any favors with his little apology. And now they're banned from all SBE events. Whoops!

OMG. Whitney and the music man are totally hitting it off! She bought him a shot (!) and they are flirting and he invites her out afterward. Oh, Whitney, you tramp! Just kidding, she's being pretty silly about it. She goes over to Lauren and pretty much recreates the entire conversation that they just had and Lauren is the one encouraging her to be forward with him. "Boy" is visibly annoyed.

Well, well, well...back in LA Heidi decides it's her turn to make Brent feel uncomfortable and this time it's Brent who does all the talking. He lectures her about how "you are the company you keep" and how Spencer "is bad news" and says all the things that we wish everyone else on this damn TV show would yell in Heidi's face! And it doesn't seem to register with her. Surprise. Then she grovels for a job at Bolthouse, but he's not feelin' it so much. Shocker.

In NYC (the club they're at is called Il Bastardo), Whitney and the music man (did I mention he's Australian? Accents!!) are really hitting it off. "Boy" comes over and asks that Whit come over and talk to him for a minute and she says OK and then ends up leaving right away with the music man! Holy crap! Whit is taking the train to STD city!! Where's Lauren, btw? Whit just left her there! Yikes. And one of "boy's" friends has to explain to him that he just got served. He didn't even realize - or want to admit it - and that makes him even more lame. Looks like Whit has already burned bridges in The City! Way to go!

Next time: Holly moves in with Lauren, Heidi comes crawling back to Bolthouse begging for a job back, Speidi fight over their increasingly back familiar relationships and J.Bob's toothbrush moves into Audrina's fancy new bathroom. Ooohhh!

"A man so great he needed two names"

Cursed Lauren gets the news that Audrina is moving out! At the end of the week! Geez, that was fast. Lauren looks a little dejected and I can't blame her. She's 0 for 2 as far as roommies are concerned. And no, Lo doesn't count.

Stupid Heidi is doing some work thing. Looks like a big deal grand opening and she decides that adding Spencer, She-Pratt and Audrina to the guest list would be a good idea. This is why Heidi will never be more than an intern or whatever she is at Bolthouse. Not only did she NOT SHOW UP to the last big meeting with the owner, but now she's inviting her stupid boyfriend. I hope she really does get fired.

Whitney and Lauren talk about Audrina moving out for about 20 seconds. That scene was pointless.

Audrina goes out to dinner with J.Bob and basically asks him to move in with her in her new house. His response? "Hmmm...let it just happen and see what happens." And let's let truth and time tell all, Audrina. Don't fight it. In his defense, didn't they just become "official" last week?

We get the first look at Audrina's new house with her tatted-up sister Casey. Casey is a bit of a horse-face and she's rockin' some bright pink lipstick. Not the best. We really don't get to see any room in Audrina's new place except the kitchen, which is really nice. Way too nice for someone who will probably never cook in it. Jerk. But anyway, Audrina says that she wants to decorate "all romantic" with white curtains and candles. Um, that's a fire hazard. And J.Bob with his leather jackets and denim vests is going to look sorely out of place there. But it's her big plan to woo him again. Shhh, don't tell her that it probably won't work.

Lauren and Lo reminisce on the "good times" they had living with Audrina. The best they can come up with is giving Justin Bobby two names. Well, that was pretty special. Way to make time for those memories, ladies.

Over at the big Bolthouse shindig, Heidi assumes that her "work" at the event is over and decides to get a drink. Then Spencer, She-Pratt, Audrina, horse-face and J.Bob show up. They decide to toast the fact that Audrina is moving out as if Lauren is so terrible. Whatever. Heidi's had "three tequilas" and she's wasted. Then the head Bolthouse guy, Sam, comes over and asks if they're still working. BUSTED! Heidi is slurring her speech a little and trying to pretend like she's all serious worker-lady, but the man isn't an idiot. Too bad that Heidi took work friend down with her, though. Let that be a lesson to anyone who wants to be friends with Heidi. She will get you fired.

Oh yes, here comes the good stuff! OK, so first of all, Brent Bolthouse asks Kimberly (aka work friend) to come into his office and he asks if she was drinking last night. She says no, that she never would, out of respect to him. LAME! He's buys it, but then asks if Heidi was drinking and work friend doesn't say yes, but she doesn't say no. She's not going to sell out her friend (kinda). So, Brent asks to see Heidi and she admits to drinking and he's upset by that, but even more so that Spencer was there, because he thinks Spencer's a bad influence on her. And after telling her that he's had her back on several occasions, he says that he's disappointed in her and then he says, "I'm firing you." Oh man, how lame of a firing is that?! Can't you be a man and say "You're fired," Brent (P.S. nice hat)? Heidi takes it like a champ, doesn't cry, gets her bag and leaves. And scene. I can't wait until she breaks the news to Spencer!

It's finally moving day for Audrina! She and Lauren catch up while packing boxes. It's a tender moment. The girls get a little choked up when the moving van pulls away. But this time there's no evil boyfriend masterminding the entire situation, so I'm sure it will be fine. They'll stay friends. Or whatever. Who cares.

I didn't see a preview for next week's episode. How far into the season is it? It feels like this one's been on for 10 years already.