Is that a glittery bike helmut?

Oh hey, it's another week of Audrina's Love Life! Last time I checked, Audrina didn't have her own spin-off...yet. What could it be called...hmmmm. Maybe "The Are You Seriously Tuning In For This Trash?" Ok, ok, I might watch. I'm so pathetic. On to the recap!

Lauren and She-Pratt head to the LA version of NYC's Mood fabrics to "work on a school project" or something that the producers concocted. They're there for about 5 seconds before She-Pratt starts yelling at Lauren that she has a boyfriend. I think she just likes saying "I have a boyfriend" because this dude that she's seeing - Cameron - was total dullsville and I can't think of a good reason why anyone would be excited over him? The girls plan to meet up later so Lauren can meet Cam. There's only one problem: Broday will be there! Dun, dun, DUHNNN!!

Lauren and Broday hang out at her place by the pool. They talk about how Broday needs to be nice to She-Pratt when they go out and he acts all macho and says that if Cam tries to "step to him" he's gonna "show him what's up." Ha, actually, those words are totally mine, but someone's gotta add some drama to this show! Oh, and then Lauren pushes Broday in the pool and I get a good laugh. Nice one, LC!

Whee! It's the Australian guy! I don't recall his name, so I'll call him Aussie. Aussie and Audrina go out to dinner and he starts grilling her about the Cabo trip. See, I like this guy already because he doesn't mess around with casual conversation and compliments. Straight to business! Audrina tells him the truth, that it was a "guys weekend" and that she and Lauren shared a room but he doesn't buy it. I don't blame him, but since she's actually telling the truth it kinda sucks.

Time for the showdown at Crown Bar! Things get awkward pretty much immediately. Cam acts all tough before Broday shows up and after Lauren and Lo arrive (Lo with some prepster!) he claims that he wants to tell Broday that he "hates" him, but when Broday shows up he's like a puppy with a tail between his legs. All talk and no action, eh?!

What the eff is Brandy doing on The Hills?! Yes, R&B singer from 10 years ago, that Brandy, is at a recording studio and Audrina and Bangs are there to...help? Stare? Uh...make Brandy look better by comparison? Who knows, but Brandy is sinking to new lows by using The Hills to promote her new album. I expected better from you, B, I really did.

Justin shows up at Epic to talk to Audrina. He's decked out in a white flannel shirt, beanie cap and sleeveless denim vest. Let that image sink in before you read what's about to happen next. Got a good mental picture (see above)? Great, because apparently it really worked for Audrina since she fell for it and is gonna take him back. Maybe the line that did it was, "I'll pretty much always be there for you." Awww...wait, what? So close, J.Bob, almost had it. Almost. He comes through in the end with, "I want you to be with me," which is loads better than the other line, but still sounds a little bossy if you ask me.

Uggh! More Audrina! She and Bangs dissect the J.Bob situation and Bangs gives her some tough love. I can appreciate her honesty. It's better than when Lauren talks to Audrina and pretends to give her advice, but winds up just agreeing with everything Audrina says. Anyway, Audrina now has the tough job of telling Aussie that even though he's cute and nice and respectful and showers regularly and wears normal clothes and has a sweet accent, she's going with J.Bob. Good luck.

Wow, 15 minutes into the episode and we're only just now getting a glimpse of Speidi. And since the show is really only 20 minutes long after commercials and only 18 minutes long when you factor in staring time, that's pretty pathetic. Sorry, Speidi! They have lunch with She-Pratt and it's the most boring two minutes of the episode so I refuse to recap it.

Alright, listen, if that floozy Audrina really does get her own spinoff, I will be SO pissed! She just dumped a great guy for JUSTIN-BOBBY! She is a LOSER. If anyone is getting their own reality show, it should be Aussie guy! Can't MTV just do a "Bachelor" type spinoff and try and find him a date? Not that he needs the help, but this is definitely sadder than anything else I've seen on The Hills. Audrina is dead to me.

Next week: Audrina moves out to get a place with J.Bob, Lauren watches another girl drive away with her boyfriend, and Heidi gets fired?! Maybe. It was hard to tell what Brent "Mumbles" Bolthouse said, but I think that's it. Oh, and I'll be referring to Audrina as "The Idiot."

The Hills: The Lost Scenes

Do you guys remember when watching The Hills wasn't the mind-numbingly painful experience it is today? Back in the first season when they weren't famous and actually had real conversations? Well, watching The Hills: The Lost Scenes is like a trip down memory lane! It's an hour of Lauren and the gang actually talking - not staring - about all kinds of stupid things that normal people talk about. I have to imaging that when we see an episode of The Hills and it's close to 10% stare-face action, that we're missing some great dialogue between Lauren and Audrina or even Speidi. Why is it being cut? This is reality show gold! If given the choice of watching an episode of The Hills or watching all the footage from the cutting room floor of that episode? Easy - cutting room floor. Without a doubt, that stuff is way more entertaining than the "drama" that they manufacture on the show these days.

Watch it!

Saddle up, Y'all!

I can hardly stop laughing long enough to challenge you to come up with a better headline!

Are you kidding me with this?

Cabo! On Doug's private jet no less. They all suck. Doug's wearing a v-neck tank top and looks like an idiot...there, that's basically enough to set the scene. Oh, and Justin and Audrina are both in Cabo which might lead to some awkwardness!

Mmmm, the beach. I need a vacation. These jerks are acting like they've never been to the beach before. Audrina and Lauren are frolicking out in the sand. Uh, you live in LA! Can't you take a scooter to the beach every day? Whatever. The boys are gossiping about Audrina's boyfriend, Cory, in the hot tub. Frankie is a total blabbermouth. Pretty sure he wasn't supposed to mention the word "boyfriend" to J.Bob. Great, there goes the weekend!

Back in the real world (ha!) Heidi and She-Pratt go shopping. S-P is wearing knee high BLACK socks and Chuck Taylor's. Taking fashion advice from Heidi, it seems. She starts bragging about how she has a new boyfriend and that none of her other friends are in town. So Heidi invites them over for a double date! Perfect!

Cabo: Audrina and Justin sit next to each other at dinner and it's a little weird. They aren't together, but they're sort of there together, and anyway, Justin is probably going to hook up with someone else. In bromance news, Frankie makes a birthday toast to Broday and he almost cries. Then they all do shots. Ugh. OK, and I have TWO tank top sightings. Not cool Doug and Broday. I think that's all Doug wears (see photo above).

Doug's present to Broday is less femme - a hoarde of single girls. They parade down to the dinner table and then off to the beach. Then Lauren and Audrina (who had previously been the only 2 girls) act like they're superior and try and sort out the J.Bob dilemma. Uh, he's a loser? Cased closed. Now I really deserve a shot.

In what is obviously the best montage MTV has ever made, the pool party begins and drunken co-eds begin to party down! Happy birthday, Broday, you jackass.

Time for the double date. She-Pratt and Cameron are 30+ minutes late, but at least they aren't at Don Antionio's. Spencer is evil, as always. He brings up Doug! But Cameron takes it all in stride, I guess. Apparently though, Cameron knew Broday way back when and Spencer's none too pleased about this!

In a total junior high move, J.Bob steals a flower scrunchie that Cory had given to Audrina and won't give it back. But I'm pretty sure that Audrina shot it over to him, so she deserves what she gets. And the antics continue the next morning when they have another confrontation about how Audrina ditched J.Bob for Cory. He still won't give her the flower back and she's pouting. I can't believe I just typed that. This is the sh*ttiest episode ever. I mean, did you see the jean cut-offs!?

She-Pratt and Spencer have words over his crappy behavior at the date last night. Get this, S-P went and found him where he was working out! Oh man, what a set up that was! He was wearing a shirt without an ounce of sweat on it and all we see is him running down some stairs. It's like, "Cue Spencer, down stairs, and ACTION!" He really shows his acting chops when he stretches during the conversation. Nice. Really convincing portrayal.

Over at Cabo Jr. High, Guidance Counselor Lauren is talking to Audrina about letting Justin go. Wise words, from Ms. I Have No Luck With Men.

Next time: I can hardly bring myself to type the words... Audrina. Goes back. To Justin. Shoot me now.

WTH?

Julie had a great idea regarding this picture...she said we should see who can come up with the best headline....I'd start, but I'm still at a loss for words. This outfit is just plain awful.

"Judged!"

This week we delve into the love life of Audrina. I can hardly contain my excitement. Supposedly she's dating some new Australian guy named Cory. And yet she still talks about Justin Bobby as if he is the Gold Standard of boyfriends. Nutzo!

Spencer decides to break the Cone of Silence with She-Pratt and call her up for an emergency bitch session. Sadly, I don't think She-Pratt even cares that he's using her to have someone listen to his problems. That's sad on several levels, least of which is that she actually accepts his offer just to spend time with him. I'll never understand those Pratts. Thank god.

Over at People's Revolution the girls dish about Audrina's love life while holding clipboards. It's very professional. They are both on Team Cory and J.Bob is gonna lose his sh*t when he watches this ep! I wonder if any of the "cast members" of The Hills actually watch the show? Except for Speidi. I'm sure they Tivo it and own all the DVDs (post-surgery, of course).

Hehehe...Australian's talk funny. Audrina's date with Cory goes well, they talk about their relationship status' and some other crap. Who knows what he's saying, but it must have been the right things because the next thing we know it's morning and Cory and Audrina exit the Guest House to grab some cereal in the Big Girl House. Lauren enters the kitchen and does a quick double take, but she obviously approves of Cory so she invites him not only to Malibu (where they're heading that afternoon) but also to Cabo (where they're heading in a couple of weeks for Broday's birthday). Geez! Slow down, Lauren! She probably just wants him to go so she can listen to him talk about the weather. "It's summah tyhme." Oooh, dreamy.

Spencer tries to convince Heidi that Holly should move out. He puts down an ultimatum: either she moves out or he does. Oh, snap!

Whitney and Carmen Sandiego sit around the pool talking about how awesome Cory is and then Frankie and Doug have to come up and ruin it by saying that they're going to invite J.Bob to hang out. The really interesting thing is that Frankie says, "He's our boy and we hang out with him like every day." Uh, what? Wait, Justin Bobby? No...It can't be...Really? I am shocked. They NEVER show the guys hanging out together. Of course, if they'd only air Bromance already I'm sure I'd get an idea of what that's like. Anyway, turns out that Frankie and the gang invited J.Bob to Cabo so Audrina's gonna have to figure out how to juggle two guys!

Heidi confronts Holly about the living situation. Holly seems upset that Spencer is making Heidi choose between both of them, but I imagine that she'll cave and move out. Trouble is, she doesn't have a job and so that means the only place she can afford to live is...oh right, nowhere. Maybe she'll move in with Lauren?

Oh no. Justin Bobby is baaack. Complete with leather jacket at the pool. I tell ya he's one in a million. He tells Audrina that if she ditches her top he'll get in the pool. She does it. Because she has low self-esteem. And he comes through on his promise and goes into the pool COMPLETELY NAKED. I bet MTV wasn't expecting anyone like him when they started filming The Hills! She lets down her guard for a split second and tells him that she is excited for Cabo and he says something like, "When we go to Cabo I'm gonna get in trouble." AKA, "I will probably hook up with someone else!" Audrina should bring Cory and shove it in J.Bob's face! Audrina and J.Bob status is still unknown.

Someone needs to scrub down the pool!

Next time: Cabo!

PS. The title of this week's post is a direct quote from Eric after he saw me writing this recap. Not only was it a commentary on how he feels about me writing a blog post about The Hills, but I also thought it was fitting for an episode about Audrina's love life. Ha, burn!

What I'm Enjoying

A show about an incredibly perceptive guy who uses his hunches to help police solve crimes. I bet you think I'm just a little late catching up to the great show that is Psych, right? Well, give me some credit here. This blog was founded on the love of all things TV, so you can rest assured that I watch Psych. Anyway, there is a new show on CBS called The Mentalist and it's actually pretty entertaining. I'm loving Simon Baker as Patrick Jane, the former fake psychic who now uses his skills to catch criminals. It's fun and witty, but not quite as light-hearted as Psych. If you were thinking about adding a new show to your line-up this season, check it out.

By the way I'm only two episodes in, so if the show tanks I'm not taking responsibility for this post.

Bitter, Table for Two!

In the aftermath of Momma Montag's cry-fest and rampage against Spencer, we find that Holly has decided to hang out with Lauren. Let Step Two in plan "Get Heidi Away from Spencer and Back with Lauren" begin!

Audrina and Bangs go get some coffee and dish about Audrina's date with some guy named Colin. NOT Justin-Bobby! That scene lasts about 15 seconds because this story-line is boorrrring.

Holly and Heidi head out for an alfresco coffee and Holly mentions that Lauren is really happy and maybe "misses her." Hmmm...maybe you aren't putting those two things together quite right? Heidi starts a sob story about how Lauren wasn't the only one hurt when their friendship ended and Holly suggests that maybe Lauren needs to be reminded of that with a heartfelt letter. Awwww...eehhhccchhhk. Pardon my gagging.

Date time with Audrina and Colin! They're talking about music and her job and it's really boring. And then they start to down some drinks and Colin admits that he's the "happiest drunk you'll ever meet" and Audrina's all, "well Justin always gets in fights when he drinks." Colin is unfazed and brings it back to his game and then tells her she has beautiful eyes. Smooth move. Better than anything J.Bob has ever said to her. Colin could have said, "uh, I like your...uh, cell phone" and Audrina probably would've thought he'd just proposed, she's so starved for romance.

Time for Holly and Lauren to reconnect at S Bar. I'll be honest, Holly seems pretty nice and she reminds me of Heidi before all the plastinization of the facial area. Lauren is genuinely laughing recounting their days when they lived in the same room. And then Lo goes and ruins the mood with a, "you remind me so much of Heidi!" Looks like Holly's gonna have to work extra hard to win back Lauren for Heidi!

Lauren and Whitney get to "work" at People's Revolution. And by that I mean read the letter from Heidi! OH SNAP! What?! She totally wrote Lauren and old-fashioned letter on personalized Heidiwood stationery (OK, I don't know for a fact, but it's probably true)! The letter says that she's sorry for everything she's said and that she takes responsibility and that she was hurt in the ordeal, too. So, will Lauren believe that she's sincere? Lauren thinks that Heidi must be feeling lonely now that Holly's back and hanging out with Lauren and that Heidi's trying to reconnect. But she also can't believe that Heidi won't just blame Spencer. Because at the heart of this entire conflict is the fact that Lauren is mad at Spencer, not Heidi. But Heidi has always defended Spencer and made it seem as if she was in cahoots with him.

Whoa! Second date with Audrina and Colin! The only part MTV airs is a discussion of whether or not Audrina and J.Bob are together or not. Wow, riveting. He's dunzo for sure.

Holly heads over to casa Lauren and they talk about the letter from Heidi. Lauren says that if Heidi just wants forgiveness, that she gave it to her a long time ago. It's not about that anymore. Then Lauren asks if Heidi has any good friends and Holly admits that Heidi only has her. Lauren seems pretty sympathetic, but then she says that it's not about her, and if it weren't for Spencer they could probably be friends again. Holly perks up at this information and repeats what Lauren says, as if getting an official verbal contract to send to Heidi like, "hey, dump his ass and she'll take you back!"

Lauren and Audrina have a heart-to-heart and Audrina breaks the news that she's dumping Colin for J.Bob, even though he hasn't done anything to make her want to keep him, other than still being in the back of her head. Lauren suggests that she tell J.Bob that she's been dating other guys and see what he says. Then Lauren fills Audrina in on the Heidi gossip and Lauren ponders what everyone would be doing if Heidi had never met Spencer. And by "met" I'm sure she means, "been bamboozled into thinking that he wanted to get to know her when in actuality he just wanted to get on TV." Yeah, I wonder...

Audrina heads out with J.Bob to tell him about the date she went on and he acts as if he could care less. He asks if Colin was "nice" and calls her "dude" like they're just drinkin' buddies. Then she calls him out for supposedly dating other women and then he starts talking about some ridiculous mess that reminds me of that time when he said "let's let truth and time tell all." He's a zen-master, I tell ya.

Time for Holly to start Step Three in plan "Get Heidi Away from Spencer and Back with Lauren." Step Three is simple. Lie. Through your teeth. Tell Heidi how much Lauren misses her and how much she wants them to be friends again. Huh, that's funny, I sure don't remember Lauren ever saying anything like that during their conversations. Weird. Anyway, Step Three is in full effect! Heidi admits that if Lauren were to come up to her and say that she would like to be friends again, that she'd probably say, "yeah, that's cool, whatever, call me later." When we all know that she'd run up and hug her and never let her go again because she misses her so much that it hurts!! And that's when Spencer saunters in, because he's obviously been listening in on their conversation (oh, he's the greatest guy, for reals) and asks Heidi, "WTF?" Holly tells Heidi that Spencer is the only thing standing in the way of her and Lauren being friends again and Spencer is thrilled with this news! As long as he is with Heidi, then there's no Lauren. I mean, it's like his lucky day. But Holly sees another challenge because if she can accomplish plan "Get Heidi Away from Spencer and Back with Lauren" then she'll be rid of that evil Chester Cheetah for good! Good luck brave warrior. Good luck!

Next time on The Hills...Audrina sluts it up and Heidi probably pouts about something. Is anyone else enjoying this season as much as I am?!

PS. I totally stole the title for this post from Kristin Chenoweth's bit at the Emmy Awards. I'll give credit where credit is due...I thought it was a great line!

New header

As you can see, I put up a new header over the weekend. I also changed our tag line, because although it's true that we do have something to say about everything, we often don't get around to saying it on the blog. Oh well, no biggie. I think that the new tag line is more representative of what the blog has become. It was either that or "We hope you like The Hills!"