It's really real this time!

Well, this is it. The last episode featuring Lauren Conrad. Personally, I'm bummed about the switch to Kristen Cavalarri, because it sounds like it's going to be SO fake that even I won't be able to enjoy the guilty pleasure of it anymore. I'm debating whether or not I'll be back to blog the next season. But, I'm getting ahead of myself. First we have to say goodbye to Lauren and watch the Speidi wedding train wreck.

We begin with Lauren and Lo dishing about their final house party. They're moving out, but neither will say what's next. Lauren doesn't seem to know what she'll be doing, but she's moving out and that's that! They decide that everyone needs to come over one last time to say goodbye to the house.

Heidi is busying planning her princess wedding and she drops the bomb on She-Pratt that she's going to ask Holly to be her Maid of Honor. She-Pratt is pissed! On the other side of town, Spencer and Heidi's mom, Darlene, are out on a nice lunch date. It's a tad awkward to say the least, but Spencer starts in with apologizing pretty quick. Darlene is skeptical, with good reason, but Spencer tells her he's been going to therapy and that he's really changed. She caves and gives him her blessing. You can almost see the evil creeping through his eyes when he hears her say it. I think it's all an act!

Time for Heidi to get wild and crazy at her bachelorette party! Or...not. It's super tame and just a bunch of girls getting together to take quizzes and watch the bride open presents. Holly arrives 30 minutes late and then doesn't even write down the gifts that people got Heidi. Gasp! She-Pratt is livid that she isn't living up to her MOH duties.

Hey! It's Broday! Pulling double-duty...first, he has dinner with Lauren to try and convince her to go to the wedding. Then, he meets up with Spencer to hear how much Spencer has changed. I will admit, I am starting to believe Spencer has changed. He seems so different now, so aware of how much of a d-bag he used to be. Broday doesn't buy it for 2 seconds. He knew Spencer really well back in the day and I have to say that he might be right about this. Spencer is an evil little weasel, and this whole apology act might be his greatest fake-out ever.

Time for Lauren to end her stint at People's Revolution. Kelly Cutrone may be one of my favorite people to appear on The Hills. She is ballsy and blunt and doesn't take any sh**, but at the same time, when Lauren asked her for advice, she was well-spoken and knowledgeable and genuinely nice. I think Kelly got a bad rap, but I also doubt that she's gives a crap what other people think about her. SO, onward and upward, Lauren. With Kelly's blessing, you are free to conquer the fashion world!

Time to get this marriage started! It's rehearsal dinner time! They dine at Cut, the restaurant owned by Wolfgang Puck, that feature huge photos of Speidi (lame). Everything seems to be going fine, until Holly gives her toast. It's terrible. She makes up some crap about Heidi praying for a perfect "love match" out in the woods with sticks and berries. I wish I were making this up. I think Holly is either drunk or stupid or both. Strangely, I never thought Holly was that bad before all this wedding stuff, but she's acting like a jerk. She throws food at her brother and gets something on Heidi's new purse. Still, everything's relaxed and Heidi's not upset. But after Holly leaves the table to talk with her mom about how she wants to leave the dinner, Heidi gets nervous and asks Spencer to check on them. A little bit of the old Spencer comes out when he calls Holly out for being immature and throwing food at 25 years old. And Holly comes back by saying that it wasn't rude and Darlene agrees (!) and Spencer (understandably) doesn't get what planet these two are living on and decides he should leave before he gets really mad. Another sign of the new Spencer coming through? Holly tries to leave, but Darlene won't let her and when Spencer comes back to the table without them, Heidi is even more confused.

The next day Holly sees the error of her ways (she must have been drunk) and apologizes to Heidi while they get manicures. She even offers to relinquish her MOH title to She-Pratt but Heidi won't let her. They're sisters, after all! All is well.

More goodbyes at Lauren and Lo's party. It's a small group of the usual suspects, but I think I saw Doug there, which is surprising, because I haven't seen him without Paris Hilton in months. Lauren gives a pretty lame toast and then everyone goes on being lame. She-Pratt makes one final attempt at getting Lauren to come to the wedding, but she still won't budge.

Even if Lauren won't be there, the show must go on! Let me give you a few guest highlights: Brent Bolthouse and Heidi's Work Friend, Broday and his trashy gf Jayde, Audrina, Lo, STACIE THE BARTENDER (OMG, she's with Spencers friend!), Justin Bobby (yes!), and duh-da--da-daaahh LAUREN! Of course, she's a sneaky one and just heads right back to the bride's room and says hello to her there. It's a very special moment as everyone in the room is shocked to see her and Heidi especially is moved almost to tears.

All the while guests continue to come in including Kristen Cavalarri! Oooh, such drama. Maybe no one knew that she was going to be the "new Lauren" at the time of the wedding, because everyone's totally surprised to see her there.

And after Lauren and Heidi share a tender moment, Lauren heads into the church to take her seat. Lo immediately tells her that Kristen Cavalarri is there. Am I missing something? Are they still fighting? I thought all that crap about Stephen was long since over. Oh man, I miss those early Laguna Beach days. But anyway, Lauren is surprised and they seem to be totally avoiding eye contact with each other. I don't get it, but OK.

The vows go without a hitch and no one even objects! And this is where it starts to feel incredibly staged. People leave the church and Kristen goes over to talk to Lo and Audrina and asks them to set her up with a new guy (nice setup for next season!). And as Speidi are exiting the church, Lauren slyly exits through the back entrance and gets into a limo. And Heidi decides to throw the bouquet then and there (lame) and guess who catches it! Kristen! How incredible! It's like passing the torch. The totally lame, definitely staged torch. She must be on cloud nine to be so lucky. If this is a hint of things to come, then count me out. I felt like I was watching a sitcom. And not in a good way.

So, that's it. Lauren has moved on. And based on the previews (which I had to watch without sound because MTV was screwed up), things look to be staying full of drama. The tag line of "The bitch is back" is intriguing, but I don't know if I'll get into it. There did look like a potential hook up between Kristen and Justin Bobby, though! We'll see what happens. As for now, it's time to enjoy the summer and reflect on all the lessons The Hills has taught us. And...done! I'm hitting the pool!

An added bonus: Brittnee informed me that Speidi have tried to quit the TV show I'm a Celebrity...Get Me Out of Here! because it's too hard. Aww, boo-hoo. No, I mean literally, Heidi cries. Yama-hama! Heidi without makeup is SCARY! Have a great summer everyone!

This wasn't in the script!

I've got to save up my energy for the season finale next week, so this recap will be short and sweet.

Leading up to the finale, all the pieces are falling in line to have a Lauren-less Speidi wedding. Will She-Pratt or Heidi or SPENCER be able to convince Lauren to attend?! Everyone and the dog is invited, so Lauren might go so that she won't be home alone.

In other news, She-Pratt goes to a party thrown by Kelly Cutrone (without knowing she threw it) and runs into her! It's mega awkward, especially when She-Pratt blames her poor performance on the fact that Kelly wasn't around very much. Ack! And Broday brings Jayde to the party and they sit literally 3 feet from Audrina and bad mouth her. Seriously? Are they still talking about this? Hasn't it been like 3 weeks since that drama? Get over it. If you're still mad, don't sit right next to her and cause so much drama. Lame.

After She-Pratt's attempts to get Lauren to go to the wedding failed, Heidi asks Spencer to call her and apologize. He flat out refuses. Surprise! Heidi tells him that he "will do this" for her, but it's not looking good.

Heidi must realize this because she decides that she will deliver the wedding invitation herself. It doesn't go that well. Lauren basically just tells Heidi that she thinks she's making a mistake by marrying Spencer and that she sees how Heidi is losing connections to her friends and family because of him. One last attempt to convince Heidi that she's making a mistake that will probably do as much good as Heidi's personal wedding invitation.

But! Just when everyone had thought it was over, Lauren gets a call from Spencer himself! He sounds genuinely sorry, and whether he truly is or not remains to be seen, but it feels sincere. He apologizes for spreading the sex tape rumors and causing pain to her and her family. Lauren is not surprisingly weary of the call and his intentions, but he makes it clear that he doesn't think she owes him anything by coming to the wedding. He tells her that Heidi really wants her to come and that if she has any place in her heart for Heidi, she should consider coming. I won't lie, I thought it was a nice apology. Ever since Speidi started going to therapy, he's been less of a d-bag. And since it looks like the wedding will happen, it's probably a good thing that he's making an effort for Heidi.

Next week's hour-long season finale will air on Sunday night. Tune in to see the Speidi wedding spectacular and bid Lauren adieu!

The Hills meets Walker, Texas Ranger

So close to the season finale! All the drama building to one, pathetically lame climax in two weeks! OMG! Let's break down this episode:

Time for Spencer to get his act together. Heidi's REAL dad is coming to town and he's never met a boyfriend before. But, he's seen The Hills, right? I mean, he's "met" Spencer like we've all "met" Spencer. What else does he need to know? Also, Heidi's dad is a cowboy and will probably bring his gun to LA. Um, yes. I really like where this is going.

Audrina is getting more involved in her work, which means that she flirts with dudes in bands and gives the Evil Eye to girls in the music video. This week she's working with a band called The White Tie Affair, which is definitely not as cool a name as Parachute Knapsack, or whatever the ridiculous name of that previous band was a couple seasons ago. Also, Audrina has a crush on the lead singer and She-Pratt had a thing with one of the band members the last time they were in town. I don't see how this could go wrong!

HEIDI'S DAD TIME!! He's wearing a cowboy hat!! He's got steely blue eyes and he's a man of few words. He does start referring to a "Code of the West," which might involve shooting rabbits and other innocent creatures. I hope Spencer doesn't get caught in the crossfire.

Instead of goin' huntin', Spencer and Heidi's dad go walking at Venice Beach and Spencer asks Heidi's dad for permission to marry her. Despite the initial promise I thought her dad had, he agrees. He only mentions his Colt 45 twice. TWICE! C'mon, Bill! This wedding is going to happen and you aren't doing anything to stop it!

Time for Lauren to grow a pair and fire She-Pratt! Wow, She-Pratt is going to go ahead and CRY in the middle of the office. Yikes. Embarrassing for Lauren! Lauren made up some stupid reason about Kelly not having time to train a new person right now. To give you an idea of how lame that reason was, She-Pratt didn't even believe her when she said it.

So, in the wake of She-Pratt being FIRED FROM HER INTERNSHIP (seriously, does that even happen?!), she goes crying to Heidi and whines about how Lauren fired her. There was a tiny glimmer of "I told you so" in Heidi's eyes when she heard those words.

On the other side of town, Lauren tells Lo how She-Pratt cried during the firing. Lo has no pity and tells Lauren that she did what needed to be done. Geez, we got another Kelly Cutrone in training!

It's the big moment for Speidi! The third or fourth proposal! I've lost count at this point. Spencer rents a ferris wheel and when they get to the top it stops. Heidi is so scared by this that she yells, "Oh, Spency!" SPENCY! Haha! This whole season has been worth it just to hear that nickname. Anyway, Spencer tells Heidi that he asked her dad for permission to marry her. Heidi's surprised and tells Spencer that getting married is a bad idea. And that he'd have to make amends with Lauren AND Darlene (Heidi's mom) and give her a huge, princess wedding before she would even consider it. So, he makes up some crap about pretending to do those things and then drops some bling on her to make her forget about all that other stuff. The ring is huge, from what I can tell. It looks to be a yellow diamond, but it's tough to say since it's dark. Heidi is all smiles and they share an awkward kiss and that's that. The wedding is ON. And supposedly it's in two weeks on the season finale. That's some quick planning!

What's next: Will Heidi and Spencer ever get off that ferris wheel? Will She-Pratt and Lauren make up? Will someone please tell Justin Bobby to crash the wedding in those ridiculous black and white socks he was wearing last week?

"Uhhhh...line!"

Another week of Audrina drama is upon us. J-Bob found out about Audrina and Broday's tryst in Hawaii and he's not happy. Even though they weren't technically together...those two are destined to be together and unhappy for the rest of their lives.

In more crazy person news, She-Pratt is showing Lauren her true colors by announcing that she wants to stop stressing about work and go on a "man-hunt." She already found a cute guy she likes (Robert) and she can't focus for 5 seconds to listen to Lauren as she warns her not to slack off at work. I think I see where this is going...it's called previews. MTV needs a lesson in the art of surprise.

Heidi and her work friend are talking about all they still have left to do for a work event and Heidi's all, "I know, I still have to get my nails done and find a new outfit," and work friend stares at her thinking, "Do you do any actual work?" Oh, and Heidi gets a text message from Stacy to visit her and talk. Awesome, can't wait.

In not-at-all-surprising news, She-Pratt is distracted at work and isn't listening to Lauren about what she needs to do. Lauren is supposed to go style an event all by herself tomorrow and she's entrusting She-Pratt to pack her bags for her. MISTAKE.

Audrina is working a showcase (how about this week's episode and all the actual work being done?!) and ordering people around. While the band performs, she gets a call from J-Bob! He wants to talk about Hawaii so she agrees to meet him tomorrow.

Surprise, She-Pratt forgot to pack a bag for Lauren for the shoot. So Lauren calls She-Pratt and asks her to bring the clothes to her at the shoot, but since She-Pratt is "on her lunch break" she won't go. Lauren hangs up on her (!) and decides to get a messenger to do it. She-Pratt is getting canned!

Heidi and Stacy have the lamest polite-fight ever. A fight where they pretend like they're being nice but they are actually saying things like, "You're crazy," "You're a homewrecker," "Your boyfriend is a d***," and "Good luck finding a guy," all in a super friendly tone of voice. It's hilarious.

Audrina met up with J-Bob and they "talked things through." Uhhh, not so much. Audrina gets there and after telling J-Bob to stop calling and texting her, she gets up to leave. J-Bob follows her and they yell a little bit in the street. But Audrina is obviously done messing with J-Bob drama, so she doesn't put up with his requests to listen to his side of things. I say good for her!

Kelly Cutrone is back and she's pissed! She asks to see Lauren in her office and when She-Pratt asks if she wants to see her too, she responds with, "No. I don't." Oh, she's catty and curt and I love it. Kelly tells Lauren that someone is going to pay for the mistake and that Lauren has to take care of it by the end of the week. Hehehe, Lauren has to fire She-Pratt. Awesome! But Lauren gets back to her desk and chickens out! Oh, Lauren, it's best to do it right away, like Kelly says - "Like a guillotine." Yes, Kelly. Yes.

Next week: some stuff happens. Maybe Lauren fires She-Pratt, maybe not. My DVR cut out before they showed the previews. This is better, actually. Maybe I'll be surprised by some of the next episode!

This guy? Really?

The aftermath of the Broday and Audrina hook up is about to unfold. Lauren and Audrina go shopping and when Lauren tells Audrina that Jayde (Broday's gf) and Broday have been fighting for days since he told her about the Hawaii hookup, Audrina's response is, "So it's an issue?" What. The. Crap. Audrina? YES. It is an ISSUE. My God, you sleep with a guy who has a girlfriend and you think that she'll understand that "feelings are feelings" as Broday so eloquently put it? Oh no, it's about to GO DOWN. Jayde is gunnin' for you. Not all gf's are as understanding (read: idiotic) as Heidi and let their bf's do whatever they want.

Hey, everybody! Heidi's work friend is back and she's wearing a shirt with a tie attached to it! And scene.

Frankie's having a BBQ and Lauren and Lo show up sans Audrina. They aren't dumb enough to bring along Jayde's nemesis. But Audrina texts anyway to say that she's coming and Lauren's all, "Who's she coming with?" As in: "What idiot decided that it would be a good idea to get involved with this fight?"

It would also appear that there's some drama in Heidiwood. Spencer is seeing that trampy waitress again and Heidi read his text from Stacy so she knows that they're supposed to meet up! So, Heidi grabs her sister and She-Pratt and they go to the same bar to confront that home-wrecker! (Also, what is happening with She-Pratt? The bronzer, the necklace? OMG, lady. You need to cool it.)

So, Broday's gf, Jayde? She looks like a tranny. I'm not even trying to be mean, but I kept thinking, who does she look like? She looks like a man. Her eye brows are WHACK, she has duck lips and she has enough foundation on to cover some five o'clock shadow. I guess what I'm trying to say is: Audrina stands little to no chance of walking out of this BBQ without getting bitch-slapped. Audrina and Jayde attempt to talk it out, but it doesn't go very well, because Audrina doesn't admit to doing anything wrong and Jayde seems to get so mad that she can't even think of anything to say. So, Audrina leaves. I guess she's banned until Jay-day break up?

Watching therapy sessions with Speidi is the best part of this show. It's like finally someone with half a brain can get in the middle of their fights and make them realize that they are idiots.

Audrina and She-Pratt decide to go to a party where Broday and Jayde are also likely to be. Jayde is drinking Jager straight from the bottle the way someone might drink water after a long run. And, as one might expect, she confronts Audrina and things get awkward. In the end, even though Audrina talked a big game about standing up to Jayde, she leaves because she can't handle the drama.

Ooh, Spencer's back for some solo therapy! He actually makes way more sense when talking to someone who's not a raging moron. But, even though he knows that all he needs to do to fix the current drama between him and Heidi is to stop going out to the clubs, he can't promise to do that. That's the Spencer I know!

Lauren meets up with Broday with their obligatory once-a-season dinner date and they talk about the love triangle that is destroying Broday's life. Lauren thinks that Broday needs to apologize to Audrina because she's been facing the wrath from Jayde, but he doesn't think that's a good idea because Jayde would probably find out and kick his a$$. So he thinks the apology should wait and Lauren responds with, "Sometimes we sacrifice friendships for the ones we love. It wouldn't be the first time." You see what she did there? She brought it right back to her. That selfish little minx can't let others have the spotlight for two seconds?!

Next time: Audrina says good-bye to J-Bob; Heidi confronts Stacy; and She-Pratt FAILS at her internship (surprise!).

Is this whore-y enough?

On this week's episode of The Hills, the girls crash the boys' weekend in Hawaii. Broday is mad for 4 seconds and then the girls agree to do shots and he's in heaven. I think Doug is on this trip. As in, Doug the guy who dated Lauren to be on The Hills and then moved to She-Pratt to stay on The Hills and then gave up on The Hills and moved to Paris Hilton. THAT Doug. He sucks. And there's also Frankie and Sleazy T and Broday, of course. For the girls there's Lauren, Lo, Audrina and She-Pratt.

Heidi and Spencer are shopping in Barnes and Noble (probably staging a photo shoot in the children's books section!) and Heidi mentions that Colby, her ex-boyfriend from forever ago, is coming to town for a visit. Well, of course he is! Those two haven't seen each other in five years and after one arranged visit in CO (by Heidi's mom!) they are suddenly friends again. Spencer is jealous, obviously, even though anyone could tell that Heidi was so not into Colby when she was forced to eat dinner with him. But Colby goes to Bible college, so I think he could give some great advice to Spencer.

Oooh, it's a double date with Speidi and Colby and his girlfriend. Ha! Looks like Spencer has nothing to worry about! Colby's girlfriend, Ashley, warms up to Heidi right away by telling her that "she looks so different." OMG! This girl is incredibly unaware and I love it! Heidi is pretty surprised because she must have a Don't Talk About My Plastic Surgery Clause written into her contract. Looks like Ashley didn't sign it! They go on to talk about how they are saving themselves for marriage and Spencer's jaw basically hits the floor. He's having a lot of fun messing with them and even invites Colby to go boxing with him the next day. I hope Colby beats the crap out of him.

Over in Hawaii She-Pratt tells Audrina that hooking up with Broday might be a good way to get J-Bob back. She's got a million ideas, folks! Priceless.

Boxing time with Spencer and Colby gives way to more questions from Spencer about how Colby could possibly manage to stay a virgin. Colby informs him that it's not hard and that he prays a lot, but that he's looking forward to a bigger payoff. And that's when he invites Spencer to join his Bible Study that night. Because Colby hosts a Traveling Bible Study? Awesome!

Tensions arise in Hawaii when Audrina admits to having a little crush on Broday. How is this not super weird for Lauren and Audrina?!

At the Traveling Bible Study, where it would seem that Spencer and Heidi both had their own Bibles (!), Spencer asks to see the verse where it forbids sex before marriage. Ashley refers to it as "fornification" and Colby quickly corrects her, "fornication!" Not that he, you know, pays attention to that or anything, gah! Anywhoo, they find the verse that condemns Speidi to hell and then move on. Spencer is saddened by this news, I guess, and decides to text during Bible Study. And let's be honest, even if he and Heidi weren't going to hell before, he'd be well on his way already.

Drama is averted in Hawaii when Broday refuses Audrina's subtle offer to be "more than friends." AKA, he didn't follow her inside the house. Frankie gives him shit for it, but he tells everyone that he's in love with his girlfriend, Jayde. He's a better man than I thought he was, but I'm pretty sure that Jayde sucks.

Oh snap! Nevermind! He just waltzed into the house to talk to Audrina and told her that he thinks she's sweet and that he's glad they've been friends for so long and he doesn't want there to be any hard feelings. BUT...if something were to happen one night, with no one else around, well "feelings are feelings." That's the Broday I know! And it's confirmed the next morning as the girls wake up to discover that Audrina slept over at Broday's place! Good thing "no one else was around" so it can be their little secret!

As the boys and girls dish about what happened between Audrina and Broday, one thing is certain, Jayde is gonna cut a bitch. Audrina, watch your back!

Don't hate.

I haven't recapped in two, now three weeks. I suck. I just watched the last two episodes of The Hills and here's the interesting stuff. This week's episode to follow tomorrow!

Wedding FAIL

With the Speidi wedding coverage all over the interwebs, it's a little hard to play into the possible break-up drama. The "will they or won't they?" factor is gone, and it wasn't even all that strong to begin with, considering that those two fame-whores will do anything to get attention. This is their biggest media stunt to date. But I can't wait for when Heidi pees in an outdoor toilet to find out if she's preggers or not. (And PS - Is that Darlene in that photo?! Heidi's mom?! I expected more from you, D. I really did.)

And speaking of fame-whores! She-Pratt is begging Lauren to get her an internship at People's Revolution. I can already tell that Kelly Cutrone is not going to like She-Pratt. And yet Lauren is going to risk her job to get her an interview. Lauren might have stopped making stupid decisions about boys, but she hasn't stopped making stupid decisions!

At the interview, Kelly eats her alive. She busts her chops about wanting to use PR to build her handbag line. And then she asks if She-Pratt can use a computer and print labels. Any office monkey can print a damn label and She-Pratt has no clue. She is hopeless. If she gets this internship then it will be because MTV paid Cutrone to do it.

In Speidi news, Heidi returns from CO and she and Spencer are still fighting. She-Pratt convinces Heidi to hit the bars to try and find Spencer and his friend Charlie to see if he's behaving. And what do you know?! A million bars in LA and they happen to find the one that Spencer goes to! Incredible detective work, ladies. And how is it that Spencer will still not admit to being a d-bag even when Heidi catches him out with the bartender and her friends?! He is the worst. And now that I know about the wedding, that makes Heidi, Mrs. Worst.

MTV is shilling out the big bucks! She-Pratt got the internship. But Kelly told Lauren that if she screws up then she's got to fire her. Awesome. Another friendship doomed to fail.

Even though I know that she won't back up her words, Heidi did give Spencer what-for at lunch the next day. It's probably the most "real" she's ever been and it was great to see her act like a human being in a relationship. But nothing lasts forever...

You're kidding me, right?

Even though J-Bob did "put a ring on it," Audrina is unhappy in the relationship, so she's looking for a new guy. She-Pratt is FAILING at her internship at PR. And Speidi is still fighting about going to a therapist. So let's see how this episode shakes down.

Audrina has her eyes set on...wait for it...BRODAY! Good God, it's just like high school when all the popular kids just dated other popular kids and swapped boyfriends and girlfriends over and over. That didn't make sense then and it doesn't make sense now. Broday was with Lauren and Lauren is Audrina's best (ish) friend so any combination of those three is going to equal AWKWARD. Not to mention the fact that Broday is dating some duck-lipped hoochie mama (Jayde) who's getting very possessive. Yeah, that'll last.

There's some classic J-Bob in this episode. Me-thinks he's back on the sauce again because he's all over the place. Broday's trying to convince him to win Audrina back and he's bouncing to the music, and interrupting Broday with, "We should go surfing again!" Focus, J-Bob. Unfortunately, even when he's focused, he's still an idiot and he and Audrina start fighting again. I thought they were totally broken up, but she's still acting like they're together and that he's a bad boyfriend. Oh, those two.

Guess who sucks at their job? A LOT. She-Pratt. Like, more than words can say. She's got ADD or something. She doesn't focus and when Lauren asks her a question, she spaces out and won't answer. This was a huge mistake. But I secretly hope that Kelly fires her and she goes down in a blaze of whatever the opposite of glory is. Shame maybe. That would work.

Hehehe, it's time for therapy with our favorite couple! They start blabbing about their pathetic drama-filled lives and the therapist (my new favorite person!) calls them "high schoolish." BAM! Take THAT, Speidi! You just got served. Therapy-style. And then the therapist makes them face each other and tell the other one how they feel. Spencer doesn't take it seriously, so Heidi flips and then the therapist sides with Heidi at first, but then is all, "Why are you still with him if you think he's checked out emotionally?" God, therapy is awesome. It's like the perfect way to get people to understand that they are acting like d-bags.

The ladies who lunch (Lauren, Lo and Audrina) decide that they take a trip to Hawaii at the same time the boys are taking their trip to Hawaii. But they promise, "no drama." "Famous last words," says Lauren. Indeed.

Next time on The Hills: Audrina and Broday?! Say it ain't so! Bro-dri-nay? Awesome.

Hope you brought a barf-bag!

Because the rough seas of friendship are about to get a little choppy! Welcome back, bitches! Hope you enjoyed your Speidi-Free time because it's about to end. Right now. I heard Lauren isn't really featured that much this season because her life was "drama-free," but I know that those two idiots will be able to bring some drama to the table. As you've probably heard by now, this will be Lauren's last season of The Hills. As in, Lauren is wisely moving on with her life and MTV is going to continue this show without her. I don't know how I feel about that. Without Lauren the show's anchor would be Audrina? Heidi? SPENCER?! Oh god no!

Anyway, let's begin with the recap, shall we? We open - where else? - at lunch. She-Pratt and Heidi start gabbing about Lauren's upcoming surprise party. It seems as if Heidi wasn't invited. Shocker. But Heidi is shocked since she and Lauren have been "talking and texting and stuff." So She-Pratt agrees to take the fall and bring her as her guest. I smell drama!

Well, well, well...look who's finally friendly! It's Lo and Audrina! It seems they've joined forces to throw Lauren a surprise party. And, being the good script-reading girls that they are, they fill us in on what's happened with them during their hiatus. JustinBobby is out of the picture (Ha! Yeah right, Audrina.), because even "after the ring" he gave her in Palm Springs, nothing changed. I never would have seen that coming, Audrina, don't feel bad (*eye roll*). Also, the girls make it seem like the Lauren-Heidi thing is a little one-sided...aka Heidi is a pathetic loser who won't stop stalking Lauren.

And speaking of the pathetic loser! Heidi and She-Pratt are getting gussied up and whispering about how Heidi didn't tell anyone that she was coming - not even Spencer! So they flat out lie (and poorly, I might add), that they're going to girls' night out and that Lauren *might* be there. I mean, it's her birthday, so I'd give it at least a 50/50 chance, right?

Lauren's bday party is on a yacht and she is blindfolded so she has no clue where they are. The girls actually pull off a pretty good surprise, thanks mostly to Frankie who yells in Lauren's blindfolded face and scares the crap out of her! Another job well done, Frankie.

Back in D-bag Village, we are introduced to Charlie, "Spencer's Friend." Riiiight. I'm guessing he's a cameraman? paid extra? hobo? they hired to complete the scene. We are also introduced to Stacie, the bartender at some skeezy club. She's pouring shots of Patron, the same thing that Spencer had right before he tricked Heidi into marrying him. Awwww.

Oh, and in case you were worried about it, Heidi made it to the yacht before it left the dock! Now they're all on board together! The only way to get away from her is to jump ship. Pretty ruthless plan, Heidi. She's smarter than we give her credit fo--hahahahaha! I'm sorry, even I couldn't make it through that without laughing. Anyway, Lauren's pissed at She-Pratt for inviting her former bestie. Looks like She-Pratt's going overboard!

Lots of talking going on at the yacht. Not surprisingly, the whole Heidi drama has taken over the night. But Lauren's not freaking out about it. On the contrary, she and She-Pratt have a good talk about why she and Heidi aren't friends (hint: it's because of Spencer!) and how she can't understand why Heidi just won't let it be. Lo also gives some words of advice to Heidi and I doubt Heidi will listen to them because she doesn't like taking good advice.

We return to Spencer's night of debauchery and it looks like he's encountered an enemy - She-Pratt's ex-boyfriend. He goes to say hello, but ex-bf is none-to-pleased to see Spencer flirting with the hottie bartender. Me-thinks he'll be spilling the beans about this!

And about 3 seconds later She-Pratt gets a text from her ex about Spencer's flirting. She waits about half a second before telling Heidi and Heidi proclaims that she "wants to get off the boat." Well, here's a life vest and a paddle. We'll be seein' ya!

Turns out she just calls Spencer and asks if the rumor is true, which he denies. And then he tells her he's going to go beat up ex-bf for lying. Spencer's a d-bag and all, but there's no way he can win a fight. And yet, ex-bf is shockingly wimpy! After trash-talking for a minute, Spencer finally wails on the guy, catching him off-guard. He proceeds to punch him a good 5 or 6 times before the fight is broken up. Then, he grabs his jacket, tells his "friend" that they're bouncing and off he goes. News reaches the yacht fast and before even Heidi knows, someone yells that "Spencer just hit Cameron!"

Lauren decides to take this opportunity to remind Heidi just how much Spencer sucks. She doesn't mince words and things get pretty emotional. If you watched the trailer, you know what happens, and it seems as if the girls honestly wish that the situation was different but neither of them can agree on how to make it work now. Tears are shed and hugs are given. In the end, they are still up-in-the-air as friends.

We were on a break!

Spencer decides to pay She-Pratt a visit and tell her off. Because this whole thing was clearly her fault. Spencer is obviously blaming everyone but himself for the encounter at the bar and resulting fight with Heidi. But I don't know how far that will get him because Heidi is FINALLY acting like a semi-normal adult! She decides that the only person she can trust in this situation is the bartender from the night that Spencer got into a fight. Turns out she was right, because homegirl was completely honest with Heidi and told her what Spencer said. She also mentioned that if that were *her* man, she wouldn't be happy with the way he acted. Thankfully someone is telling it like it really is! Now, if only Heidi would actually listen to her.

After a brief argument in which Heidi told Spencer that she knows what really happened at the bar and Spencer tried to turn things around on Heidi ("I can't believe you don't trust me!"), Speidi are taking yet another break. This time Heidi's going back to CO to think about things. Who wants to put money down on Spencer going out there again to surprise her?!

I guess Lauren is still enrolled in school? Uhhh, OK. She and She-Pratt are out looking at fabric swatches and Lauren isn't being very helpful. She finally tells S-P that she doesn't think it was cool that Heidi went to her birthday party and that if S-P was really her friend she would have told Heidi not to go. Then S-P went a little crazy and asked, "Why can't you just be friends with her?!" And Lauren was like, "Because I hate your brother and she's marrying him!" Ah-ha! Don't you remember, She-Pratt? It's not just because Lauren has too many friends and can't fit one more in the group. Lauren tells S-P to seriously stop trying to force Heidi and her to be friends. And I doubt S-P will listen, but good try anyway.

Hell has frozen over! Broday and Spencer together again! Spencer sent Broday a text about his "desperate situation" and Broday had to answer the call of a former BFF. Sounds nice, right? Oh, that's until you hear Broday agreeing with Spencer. Saying that he should be mad at Heidi for believing Cameron over him. See, and this is where your logic falls apart, Broday...SPENCER WAS FLIRTING WITH THE BARTENDER. Get it through your head!! Cameron was totally in the right sending a text to She-Pratt. He didn't know that S-P would show it to Heidi right away or at all. God, these people are driving me crazy!

Hmmm, on the other hand, Broday is trying to convince Spencer to spread his wings and have some guy time. Yeah. Yeah, I like where this is going. Go on, Spencer, go have some guy time. He won't make it one night without eff-ing something up. Speidi will be dunzo!

In chilly Colorado, Heidi's parents are trying to convince her to go back with her old boyfriend (of like 20 year ago), Colby. He's got his act together, keeps asking about Heidi and...whatdaya know?! He just happens to be at the restaurant! What?! Such a coincidence! OK, I don't know how many people even read this blog, or out of those people how many actually still watch The Hills. But the scene in the CO restaurant is priceless, I'm telling you. This Colby kid sits at their table and Heidi's mom proceeds to recount all the good times he and Heidi had together. Then she starts saying how Colby was a wrestling stud back in the day and Heidi fires back with, "Spencer is a purple belt in Jiu Jitsu." AAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

I'm sorry, but I have to catch my breath. That's the funniest thing that's ever been said on The Hills, including all of JustinBobby's drug-induced ranting. Thanks, Heidi. Thanks a million.

Broday and Lauren meet up to dish about the bday party and the resulting drama. And Lauren mentions that she thinks it's funny that after Spencer and Heidi burned both Lauren and Broday, they have no one else to call except for them. Oh Lauren, you are so wise.

And while Heidi is in CO telling her mom that she's glad that she and Spencer didn't get married, Spencer is back at that bar flirting it up with the bartender. Oh, he's wooing her good. Giving her the ol' weasel eyes and trying to put his skeezy beard in just the right light. Yeah, I bet the ladies are glad that he's back on the prowl. And PS, what girl in her right mind witnesses the drama that goes down between a boyfriend and a girlfriend and thinks, "Yeah, I need a man like that. I wonder if they're over yet." If she wants him, she can have him.

This season on The Hills! Spencer and that bartender really go out on a date! Lauren gets She-Pratt a job at People's Revolution (Kelly Cutrone is BACK!), Broday gets a new girlfriend just as Audrina tells him that she has a crush on him and She-Pratt tells her to hook up with Broday to get JustinBobby back! It's gonna be a good one! You know, relative to other seasons...not actually good.

Coming Soon

So, I was all prepared to write the recap of The Hills tonight. But I guess it's an hour long and MTV.com hasn't put it online yet. I waited patiently for about 15 minutes and watched several videos online, including that one from Justin Timberlake and Ciara. Um, have you seen that yet? It's crazy. You should check it out if you enjoy either of those two artists, but it's not exactly safe for work. That's all I'm saying.

Tune in tomorrow for my Hills Season 5 premiere recap!

What's that look?

Oh, hey Mandy Moore, how's it going? What's that? You say you secretly married Ryan Adams on Tuesday? Wow. Yeah, that is exciting. Except...what's that look on your face? It doesn't quite look like happiness to me. It looks a wee bit like SHAME. Hmmm.

I just wonder why you decided to get married so quickly and forgo the whole big, elaborate ceremony. Oh, I know Ryan's a little shy, but "secret weddings" often signify something else entirely. Do I need to spell it out for you, Moore?! I am on to your little game here. You read my blog post and decided to prove me wrong just for spite! Well, I've got news for you. I still give it 6 months. Starting from the original post on February 11, 2009. Start counting down to August 11, Mandy.

Either that or you're pregnant.

PS. Nice scarf.

Get out your Kleenex!

It's the new trailer for The Hills Season Five!! MTV is calling this the trailer for Season Four "bonus episodes," but they should just fess up to the fact that America's Best Dance Crew isn't pulling in those ratings like they'd hoped. (I actually love that show, but the truth hurts). Let's take a look! Recap below!



We open with Lauren visiting a card reader. Is she an idiot? People on The Hills need to STOP PRETENDING THEY AREN'T ON TV! I could be a card reader too if my clients' lives were broadcast for millions of people to see.

"I see that you have terrible taste in men. You seem to pick the biggest d-bags around and pretend that you can change them."

See? Easy. So, nice try lady, give Lauren her $50 bucks back.

Anyway, it's Lauren's birthday and her friends have decided to throw her a surprise party. Is it a costume party? Because Lauren is dressed as a flapper. That deep red lipstick is not a great look for you, Conrad, keep trying. Determined to win her friend back, Heidi decides to crash the party and make a grand gesture to show Lauren how much...she's still ruining other people's lives? I'm confused, but let's go with it.

In Heidi's other life, we see that Spencer has gone back to his flirting ways and is trying to pick up a bartender. And then he denies it to Heidi when She-Pratt's boyfriend tells on him. Spencer is pissed, things are likely to get ugly.

Back in Lauren-land, the whole gang gathers to celebrate the last night in Lauren's house. Why do they move every year? Especially when Lauren doesn't have any idea what she's going to do next. Is it like the Real World where MTV picks a new location and tricks out these amazing houses for jerks to live in on their tab? Wow, I think I just solved that mystery. I'm a regular Sherlock over here!

Now we see snow bunny Heidi (in a ridiculous hat) telling her mom that she doesn't know if she and Spencer can "get through this." Her mom basically does cartwheels upon hearing this news. Operation Bring Speidi Down is officially in action.

And it looks like things are bad enough to make Spencer go crawling back to Broday! I thought that they were DUNZO. But Lauren comments to Broday that the two people Spencer and Heidi screwed over the most are the only two people they have left. Ouch!

This really does play like a movie trailer. And now it's time for the big finale! Lauren and Heidi. Together. Crying. Hugging. I would be lying if I said that I didn't tear up when I watched this. And on that note, I must go and seriously re-evaluate my life. See you in March, bitches!

I give it 6 months. Tops.

Mandy Moore and Ryan Adams have gotten engaged, People.com reports. OK. What?! This is doomed to fail. She's dated everyone from Wilmer Valderrama to Andy Roddick to DJ AM (read: has bad taste). And he's a wackadoo rock star who may have cleaned up his image, but is not the kind of guy you want to marry. I love his music, but I've seen interviews with him and he's bonkers.

I'm going to take bets as to when this relationship ends, have your say in the comments section. My prediction: 6 months - engagement called off.

VH1, I hardly knew ye.

Vh1 has changed. They used to be the music channel for parents back when MTV was playing videos for young people (aka me). I always imagined older people watching Vh1 and thinking, "Thank God for this channel because Vanessa Williams and Michael Bolton need an outlet for their amazing videos." I'll admit, my TV dial might have wandered over to Vh1 from time to time to watch the Mariah Carey/Boyz II Men video. Oh, what? That song/video was A-MAZ-ING and don't even try to tell me otherwise.

But the point I'm trying to make is this: when did Vh1 die and come back to life as E! Entertainment Television?

It's impossible to turn on Vh1 and watch anything other than a reality show. I dare you to find a block of music videos on during waking hours. Top 20 Countdown? Yeah, it's on at like 8 AM on Saturday morning and who the hell even votes for the videos anymore? And how do we know what the so-called "videos" even look like? All we see anymore is Bret Michaels, skanky girls, Bobby Brady, Sharon Osbourne, Scott Baio, Tila Tequila, and Flava Flav. What network in hell thinks that programming with "stars" like these is a good thing?

Well, that would be the same network that just premiered Confessions of a Teen Idol and Tool Academy. And here is where my argument falls apart because I watched BOTH of these shows last Sunday. Judge not lest ye be judged, I guess. Tool Academy is a piece of crap show that I won't watch again. Basically, girls tricked their bad boyfriends into going on a reality show, so that they might be rehabilitated into good boyfriends. It's hard to watch. The guys are total jerks (aka tools) and the girls should have left them long before reality TV show tryouts.

The real winner is Confessions of a Teen Idol because Real World's own Eric Neis is on it! Haha! Since when is Eric Neis considered a teen idol? There are also two dudes from Baywatch on there and some older guys who I didn't know at all and then there's the guy from 90210 who dated Donna Martin for a while and also had a #1 song - Jamie Walters. But the best thing about this show is that it's co-hosted by Scott Baio and the older brother from The Wonder Years! Riiiight. Because these guys have their shit together?? What?! Scott Baio gets married and has a baby and all the sudden he's hosting reality shows and giving advice?! Heaven help us all.

Like any show on Vh1, they pile the idols into a warehouse and put them through exercises designed to help them discover themselves. There are focus groups, makeovers, tantrums, tears and more! And I think that at the end they'll all find work just like Bobby Brady and his crazy wife did...on another reality show. Because, listen closely washed out celebs, no one cares about you anymore. You will forever have a career on Vh1, but that's it. We won't be seeing the new movie starring "That one guy from Baywatch!" any time soon. Give it up. Or try and convince the geniuses at Vh1 to give you Another Shot at Real Love from a Tool Teenage Idol who Doesn't Play Videos Anymore.

Celebrity Sighting...Well Sorta....

Last night Andrew and I went out to eat in celebration of his 26th birthday. After what was probably the most delicious meal I’ve ever had at Outback, we hit up WalMart for a battery for his RoboDuck. I wanted to check out the jeans in the men's section because my little brother Riley really likes Wranglers and I wanted to see if they had his size. They didn't. But believe me, I didn't leave the jeans section disappointed.

As I was leaving the section a young man pushing a buggy caught my eye. He looked extremelly familiar and after I saw the young lady clinging to his arm I knew exactly who he was. It was the eldest Duggar child and his teenage bride…her name escapes me now, but it doesn’t matter. I’m sure they have changed it to something that begins with a J – probably Janessa - it was probably part of their wedding vows - "I promise to love, honor, obey and go by the name Janessa, as long as we both shall live"... As I looked at them trying to be 100% certain of their identity I ran through a "Duggar Woman Checklist" of sorts:

• Long crimped brown hair - Check
• No make-up - Check
• Long blue jean skirt - Check
• Short-sleeve plaid button up shirt - Check (mind you it was 25 degrees outside)
• Clinging to his arm cause until the day they got married all they were allowed to do was hold hands - Check

Yep - if it walks like a Duggar, dresses like a Duggar and looks like a Duggar it must be a Duggar!

I was estactic. I wanted to say hi, begin a pleasant conversation, become friends, but after the blog post I wrote about them a couple of months ago I didn't feel it'd be right. So instead I began whisper yelling at Andrew trying to get his attention so he'd turn around and see them too. He told me later he was intently staring at the tacky lingerie across the aisle trying to come up with a joke to crack about it and that's why it was so hard to get his attention. Finally he turned around and I told him of the Duggar sighting. He turned (pretty obviously, I might add) to check them out.

Andrew offered to take a picture of me with the Duggars and looking back I regret that I was too embarrassed to ask them - what a gem that would have been. And I could have posted on the blog along with my post.

I think I talked about my "celebrity" sighting for a good 45 minutes after it happened and I'm sure Andrew was thinking "these people aren't celebrities" but to me they are. It's like I told Andrew, I'm so used to seeing them on the tv doing things in Fayetteville, but never actually seeing them in Fayetteville that sometimes I'm not sure they're really real. Last night confirmed it - all 21 of the Duggars are real.

Oh and for those of you who have seen the show - no, Joshua and his teen bride "Janessa" were not accompanied by chaperons.

And if you're bored...they have their very own website!