VH1, I hardly knew ye.

Vh1 has changed. They used to be the music channel for parents back when MTV was playing videos for young people (aka me). I always imagined older people watching Vh1 and thinking, "Thank God for this channel because Vanessa Williams and Michael Bolton need an outlet for their amazing videos." I'll admit, my TV dial might have wandered over to Vh1 from time to time to watch the Mariah Carey/Boyz II Men video. Oh, what? That song/video was A-MAZ-ING and don't even try to tell me otherwise.

But the point I'm trying to make is this: when did Vh1 die and come back to life as E! Entertainment Television?

It's impossible to turn on Vh1 and watch anything other than a reality show. I dare you to find a block of music videos on during waking hours. Top 20 Countdown? Yeah, it's on at like 8 AM on Saturday morning and who the hell even votes for the videos anymore? And how do we know what the so-called "videos" even look like? All we see anymore is Bret Michaels, skanky girls, Bobby Brady, Sharon Osbourne, Scott Baio, Tila Tequila, and Flava Flav. What network in hell thinks that programming with "stars" like these is a good thing?

Well, that would be the same network that just premiered Confessions of a Teen Idol and Tool Academy. And here is where my argument falls apart because I watched BOTH of these shows last Sunday. Judge not lest ye be judged, I guess. Tool Academy is a piece of crap show that I won't watch again. Basically, girls tricked their bad boyfriends into going on a reality show, so that they might be rehabilitated into good boyfriends. It's hard to watch. The guys are total jerks (aka tools) and the girls should have left them long before reality TV show tryouts.

The real winner is Confessions of a Teen Idol because Real World's own Eric Neis is on it! Haha! Since when is Eric Neis considered a teen idol? There are also two dudes from Baywatch on there and some older guys who I didn't know at all and then there's the guy from 90210 who dated Donna Martin for a while and also had a #1 song - Jamie Walters. But the best thing about this show is that it's co-hosted by Scott Baio and the older brother from The Wonder Years! Riiiight. Because these guys have their shit together?? What?! Scott Baio gets married and has a baby and all the sudden he's hosting reality shows and giving advice?! Heaven help us all.

Like any show on Vh1, they pile the idols into a warehouse and put them through exercises designed to help them discover themselves. There are focus groups, makeovers, tantrums, tears and more! And I think that at the end they'll all find work just like Bobby Brady and his crazy wife did...on another reality show. Because, listen closely washed out celebs, no one cares about you anymore. You will forever have a career on Vh1, but that's it. We won't be seeing the new movie starring "That one guy from Baywatch!" any time soon. Give it up. Or try and convince the geniuses at Vh1 to give you Another Shot at Real Love from a Tool Teenage Idol who Doesn't Play Videos Anymore.

Idiots

So many priceless moments this episode! Here are some of my absolute favorites:

Lauren's face when J.Whal mentioned he had a girlfriend...and that they were moving in together.

Lisa Love. She's lookin' good in that black and white plaid.

Heidi and Jenn going dress shopping. Question: Is Jenn Bunney Heidi's Maid of Honor? And if so, is one of her primary duties to try and talk Heidi out of getting married? "Obviously you're not in the right mindframe, but for me it's just different," Jenn. Gah! PS. This wedding is SO not happening.

Who's ever heard of this awesome band Blue Parachute Logistics or whatever? And the lead singer wears LADIES jeans...also, very proud of it. Watch out, MTV2.

The 3 girls walking into the dive bar. Whitney: "I hope I don't get wasted!" True fun is holding your nose to drink shots just so you can get drunk. You go, girls!

Spencer and Heidi registering. Obviously, they aren't getting married. I think Heidi is just scanning the walls and pretending. They will "come back another day..." MmmmKay! We'll see ya then!

One word. Katja. Gross. The name's gotta go. Mabye just go by Kat. It's a lot less horrible. Ok, not A LOT, but it's better.

The "engagement!" Wow. Idiots. All of 'em. He's an idiot for asking her to marry him after 7 months and she's an idiot for marrying someone in rehab who's not even supposed to be dating anybody. I think I see another marriage in our future...that is SO not happening.

I think Lauren said it best when she said that her engagement party "didn't include a keg and a Bob Marley poster." Sometimes, she's just so poetic.

Lisa Love. Still rockin' the plaid...hmmmm, is that in stye now?

Why is it that every interaction between Spencer and Heidi seems forced? "Here you go, Princess." "Oh Thank you!" Just be normal!! Idiots.

Favorite part: Let's talk Spiedi wedding. Tibet. Eloping. These are solid gold ideas. Why do we have to have our whole families there, Heidi? Why can't we just not tell our parents that we're getting married? What's the big deal? It's not as if this wedding is actually happening. Geez, so naive.

Breakthrough: Lauren - "This could have been me...and I'm so glad it's not." Halleluiah! It's about time that girl wised up.

And then she goes and makes out with Brody in the previews. Uggghhh. Can't wait til next week! VEGAS!!!