Hope you brought a barf-bag!

Because the rough seas of friendship are about to get a little choppy! Welcome back, bitches! Hope you enjoyed your Speidi-Free time because it's about to end. Right now. I heard Lauren isn't really featured that much this season because her life was "drama-free," but I know that those two idiots will be able to bring some drama to the table. As you've probably heard by now, this will be Lauren's last season of The Hills. As in, Lauren is wisely moving on with her life and MTV is going to continue this show without her. I don't know how I feel about that. Without Lauren the show's anchor would be Audrina? Heidi? SPENCER?! Oh god no!

Anyway, let's begin with the recap, shall we? We open - where else? - at lunch. She-Pratt and Heidi start gabbing about Lauren's upcoming surprise party. It seems as if Heidi wasn't invited. Shocker. But Heidi is shocked since she and Lauren have been "talking and texting and stuff." So She-Pratt agrees to take the fall and bring her as her guest. I smell drama!

Well, well, well...look who's finally friendly! It's Lo and Audrina! It seems they've joined forces to throw Lauren a surprise party. And, being the good script-reading girls that they are, they fill us in on what's happened with them during their hiatus. JustinBobby is out of the picture (Ha! Yeah right, Audrina.), because even "after the ring" he gave her in Palm Springs, nothing changed. I never would have seen that coming, Audrina, don't feel bad (*eye roll*). Also, the girls make it seem like the Lauren-Heidi thing is a little one-sided...aka Heidi is a pathetic loser who won't stop stalking Lauren.

And speaking of the pathetic loser! Heidi and She-Pratt are getting gussied up and whispering about how Heidi didn't tell anyone that she was coming - not even Spencer! So they flat out lie (and poorly, I might add), that they're going to girls' night out and that Lauren *might* be there. I mean, it's her birthday, so I'd give it at least a 50/50 chance, right?

Lauren's bday party is on a yacht and she is blindfolded so she has no clue where they are. The girls actually pull off a pretty good surprise, thanks mostly to Frankie who yells in Lauren's blindfolded face and scares the crap out of her! Another job well done, Frankie.

Back in D-bag Village, we are introduced to Charlie, "Spencer's Friend." Riiiight. I'm guessing he's a cameraman? paid extra? hobo? they hired to complete the scene. We are also introduced to Stacie, the bartender at some skeezy club. She's pouring shots of Patron, the same thing that Spencer had right before he tricked Heidi into marrying him. Awwww.

Oh, and in case you were worried about it, Heidi made it to the yacht before it left the dock! Now they're all on board together! The only way to get away from her is to jump ship. Pretty ruthless plan, Heidi. She's smarter than we give her credit fo--hahahahaha! I'm sorry, even I couldn't make it through that without laughing. Anyway, Lauren's pissed at She-Pratt for inviting her former bestie. Looks like She-Pratt's going overboard!

Lots of talking going on at the yacht. Not surprisingly, the whole Heidi drama has taken over the night. But Lauren's not freaking out about it. On the contrary, she and She-Pratt have a good talk about why she and Heidi aren't friends (hint: it's because of Spencer!) and how she can't understand why Heidi just won't let it be. Lo also gives some words of advice to Heidi and I doubt Heidi will listen to them because she doesn't like taking good advice.

We return to Spencer's night of debauchery and it looks like he's encountered an enemy - She-Pratt's ex-boyfriend. He goes to say hello, but ex-bf is none-to-pleased to see Spencer flirting with the hottie bartender. Me-thinks he'll be spilling the beans about this!

And about 3 seconds later She-Pratt gets a text from her ex about Spencer's flirting. She waits about half a second before telling Heidi and Heidi proclaims that she "wants to get off the boat." Well, here's a life vest and a paddle. We'll be seein' ya!

Turns out she just calls Spencer and asks if the rumor is true, which he denies. And then he tells her he's going to go beat up ex-bf for lying. Spencer's a d-bag and all, but there's no way he can win a fight. And yet, ex-bf is shockingly wimpy! After trash-talking for a minute, Spencer finally wails on the guy, catching him off-guard. He proceeds to punch him a good 5 or 6 times before the fight is broken up. Then, he grabs his jacket, tells his "friend" that they're bouncing and off he goes. News reaches the yacht fast and before even Heidi knows, someone yells that "Spencer just hit Cameron!"

Lauren decides to take this opportunity to remind Heidi just how much Spencer sucks. She doesn't mince words and things get pretty emotional. If you watched the trailer, you know what happens, and it seems as if the girls honestly wish that the situation was different but neither of them can agree on how to make it work now. Tears are shed and hugs are given. In the end, they are still up-in-the-air as friends.

We were on a break!

Spencer decides to pay She-Pratt a visit and tell her off. Because this whole thing was clearly her fault. Spencer is obviously blaming everyone but himself for the encounter at the bar and resulting fight with Heidi. But I don't know how far that will get him because Heidi is FINALLY acting like a semi-normal adult! She decides that the only person she can trust in this situation is the bartender from the night that Spencer got into a fight. Turns out she was right, because homegirl was completely honest with Heidi and told her what Spencer said. She also mentioned that if that were *her* man, she wouldn't be happy with the way he acted. Thankfully someone is telling it like it really is! Now, if only Heidi would actually listen to her.

After a brief argument in which Heidi told Spencer that she knows what really happened at the bar and Spencer tried to turn things around on Heidi ("I can't believe you don't trust me!"), Speidi are taking yet another break. This time Heidi's going back to CO to think about things. Who wants to put money down on Spencer going out there again to surprise her?!

I guess Lauren is still enrolled in school? Uhhh, OK. She and She-Pratt are out looking at fabric swatches and Lauren isn't being very helpful. She finally tells S-P that she doesn't think it was cool that Heidi went to her birthday party and that if S-P was really her friend she would have told Heidi not to go. Then S-P went a little crazy and asked, "Why can't you just be friends with her?!" And Lauren was like, "Because I hate your brother and she's marrying him!" Ah-ha! Don't you remember, She-Pratt? It's not just because Lauren has too many friends and can't fit one more in the group. Lauren tells S-P to seriously stop trying to force Heidi and her to be friends. And I doubt S-P will listen, but good try anyway.

Hell has frozen over! Broday and Spencer together again! Spencer sent Broday a text about his "desperate situation" and Broday had to answer the call of a former BFF. Sounds nice, right? Oh, that's until you hear Broday agreeing with Spencer. Saying that he should be mad at Heidi for believing Cameron over him. See, and this is where your logic falls apart, Broday...SPENCER WAS FLIRTING WITH THE BARTENDER. Get it through your head!! Cameron was totally in the right sending a text to She-Pratt. He didn't know that S-P would show it to Heidi right away or at all. God, these people are driving me crazy!

Hmmm, on the other hand, Broday is trying to convince Spencer to spread his wings and have some guy time. Yeah. Yeah, I like where this is going. Go on, Spencer, go have some guy time. He won't make it one night without eff-ing something up. Speidi will be dunzo!

In chilly Colorado, Heidi's parents are trying to convince her to go back with her old boyfriend (of like 20 year ago), Colby. He's got his act together, keeps asking about Heidi and...whatdaya know?! He just happens to be at the restaurant! What?! Such a coincidence! OK, I don't know how many people even read this blog, or out of those people how many actually still watch The Hills. But the scene in the CO restaurant is priceless, I'm telling you. This Colby kid sits at their table and Heidi's mom proceeds to recount all the good times he and Heidi had together. Then she starts saying how Colby was a wrestling stud back in the day and Heidi fires back with, "Spencer is a purple belt in Jiu Jitsu." AAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

I'm sorry, but I have to catch my breath. That's the funniest thing that's ever been said on The Hills, including all of JustinBobby's drug-induced ranting. Thanks, Heidi. Thanks a million.

Broday and Lauren meet up to dish about the bday party and the resulting drama. And Lauren mentions that she thinks it's funny that after Spencer and Heidi burned both Lauren and Broday, they have no one else to call except for them. Oh Lauren, you are so wise.

And while Heidi is in CO telling her mom that she's glad that she and Spencer didn't get married, Spencer is back at that bar flirting it up with the bartender. Oh, he's wooing her good. Giving her the ol' weasel eyes and trying to put his skeezy beard in just the right light. Yeah, I bet the ladies are glad that he's back on the prowl. And PS, what girl in her right mind witnesses the drama that goes down between a boyfriend and a girlfriend and thinks, "Yeah, I need a man like that. I wonder if they're over yet." If she wants him, she can have him.

This season on The Hills! Spencer and that bartender really go out on a date! Lauren gets She-Pratt a job at People's Revolution (Kelly Cutrone is BACK!), Broday gets a new girlfriend just as Audrina tells him that she has a crush on him and She-Pratt tells her to hook up with Broday to get JustinBobby back! It's gonna be a good one! You know, relative to other seasons...not actually good.