What the Hellga?

Last night, Eric and I tuned into the premiere of "American Gladiators." Whatever, don't judge us! If you haven't seen the old American Gladiators, then you're missing out on some great sports entertainment. We had to see if this new version was even half as good as the classic. The bad news is, it's not. Let me explain why the new version is much, much worse:

1. The arena. A lot of the games are actually the same. There's the Gauntlet, Joust, that one with the rings, and of course, The Eliminator. The problem lies in the space they allowed for the construction. There's obviously a lot of reuse in the games. The Wall also doubled for the start of the Eliminator and I get that it makes sense to try and save on space. But when the Rings has about 6 rows to choose from, it's just no fun. The classic version had about 30 rows, it seemed! That really allows a player to think out a strategy and outwit the Gladiators. Not so much with the new version - there's hardly time to think before you're face-to-face with a huge gladiator.

2. The hosts. Hulk Hogan and Laila Ali. Let me tell you, even combined they are no Larry Czonka! And they've increased the number of player interviews, going so far as having Hulkster interview each contestant BEFORE the event and Laila interview them RIGHT AFTER the event. Just shut up, already! I don't need to hear how excited and pumped up a player is to beat the Gladiator. And even worse is talking to the players right after. What do you want them to say? Half the contestants on the show are cocky SOBs who talk themselves up so much it's almost impossible to take them seriously, anyway. Don't put a microphone in their face every chance you get. And for reals, Hulk Hogan is terrible. His trademark, "Brother!" is inserted at the end of every sentence (when talking to the gentlemen, of course) and it drove me insane. Where's the Czonka-strator, anyway?

3. The contestants. I don't think I can blame the show for this, but all the contestants are really arrogant and obnoxious now. I think this is due in part to how people in general have changed over the years. From businessmen to professional athletes, everyone makes a much bigger deal about themselves now. Back in the day, people were more humble and gracious. And I realize that I'm 25 years old and it doesn't make sense for me to say that, but I watch reruns, people, and I know how it was!

I will say that the one positive thing that the show has going for it is that all of the Gladiators are absolutely terrifying. Much more so than the classic version, where you could tell that the Gladiators were mostly just beefed up guys and girls who took their job seriously in a good-natured way. This time around, I feel as if the Gladiators are all basically crazy. They have that look in their eye that they want to eliminate the competition at any cost. I was legitimately scared of at least 5 of them, 4 of them guys.

In short, with nothing else to watch this TV season, I could be persuaded to watch again mostly to make fun of it, and maybe with the sound off. But it won't make it as part of the (dwindling) rotation, brother!