The Return of The Hills!

Mariah Carey and the Hills?! Bonjour!

The girls arrive in Paris and squeal with delight at the cold weather and the Eiffel tower. Ooh la la. First stop: ball gowns! Never mind the itinerary...that could come back to bite them later.

Cut to Heidi in Colorado skiing with her mom and having a heart to heart about Spencer over hot cocoa.

French hip hop music! The girls grab their dresses first and, of course, when they get to the shoe store, it's closed. Whitney starts to lose it and Lauren seems to think it'll be fine. Lisa Love has a heart of gold, why wouldn't she forgive them?

ShePratt comes over to Speidi's apt and sees that Spencer (and the apartment) is falling apart. Quote of the episode goes to ShePratt, "Why don't you write a list of everything you've ever done and then do the opposite?" I think he should include the brilliant idea he just had in the list: head to CO and find Heidi on the mountain.

So, MTV is trying out these mini-episodes instead of commercials. Alicia Keys is in them with two other girls who I've never heard of before. I don't know whether or not they will run these things like a series, but I guess it's better than commercials. I just fast forward through them anyway, so who cares?

Lauren and Whitney get geared up for the day...shoes and fashion shoots! Viva La France!

Spencer rolls into Colorado and Heidi's dad greats him with, "What the heck are you doing here?" Awesome. Apparently she's not answering calls from Spencer.

It's Kimball! He's in France and bossing peeps around. What is the deal with this ball, anyway? Who are these "debutantes?" and why does Teen Vogue care about them? Just forget it, because then Lauren gets a phone call from Audrina who tells her that Brody was out with another girl that night. Here's the deal. She's being a good friend, but in my opinion, a great friend would have waited until she got home from Paris to tell her that. Now she's going to be thinking about that the entire time she's in Paris and Lisa Love will probably figure that out and put her on a plane herself! Whitney comes up with a great plan to find new guys in Paris

OK, back to CO and I have to ask, does Heidi's face look weird? It's like her fake nose and lips are a different color that the rest of her face because of the cold. Is it just me?! She looks ridiculous!! Anyway, back to the reunion of Speidi! Heidi pretty much refuses to talk to him, saying that she doesn't know what to say. I wonder if he'll have the balls to ask to stay at her parents house overnight!

Whit and Lauren head out to meet some guys from a band who they met in LA. Surprise, surprise, they are skuzz-tastic. Unruly facial hair and jewelry a-plenty! One of the skuzzers is making eyes at Lauren and offers to take her (and the group) to the Eiffel Tower. They head to get some champagne first and then catch the light show at the Tower. I will admit, it looks cool. I've never been to Paris, so I'm jealous. But I would probably edit out any skuzzers during my trip.

[Preview comment: The movie "Baby Mama" starring Tina Fey and Amy Poehler looks pretty funny. I think those two are hilarious. Basically, Tina's a woman who wants a baby and Amy's a baby mama who will carry a baby for her. Simple enough premise, but I bet they make it funny.]

As Lauren insults Brody in French, she gets a text from Skuzz saying they are hitting a club. Lauren has nothing to wear out to a fancy club and Whitney jokingly suggests that she has a ball gown and Lauren has lost her mind enough to think she's serious. So, not only does she decide to wear it, but she will also be sewing it! SEWING. Needle and thread, my friends. I am pretty damn sure that they are borrowing these gowns and I don't know how she thinks she'll get away with this!

Awkward silence envelops the room as Spencer decides to dine out with the Montag clan. That's ballsy. I bet he does ask to stay with them for the night. He would. He's getting death stares from ALL of the family and decides to make some small talk about the weather. Heidi decides to make a toast about her parents - and only her parents - and it's the first time she seems to be standing up for herself. I'll admit that it seems somewhat forced and silly, but I also think that it's probably the only way she knows to communicate with him. They have an argument in front of her parents about why he came out to CO and I stand behind Heidi because she is actually making sense. I never thought I'd say that!

Lauren is steppin' out in her sewn dress and I'm scared to friggin' death that she's going to spill something on it. What is wrong with her?! So, a debutante escort is making the moves on Lauren and Skuzz is looking pretty jealous. The escort is gross and dancing like an idiot. Lauren is obviously more into the Skuzzer (who, I will admit is much less gross than the escort guy) and they flirt about some stupid things, I don't know. Anyway, they leave and skuzzer runs out to say a proper goodbye before they go. He wants to go out for a drink before they leave for good. OK, so he's growing on me, whatever. He is still wearing skinny jeans and that I just can't forgive.

[Commercial comment: What is up with the trailer for The Ruins that included part of the Hills in it? The trailer voiceover guy starts out saying "Two friends, Lauren and Whitney, head to Paris...and in another part of the world four friends will blah, blah, blah movie promo..." What?! That's a bit extreme, advertisers!]

Oh God. There's a stain on the dress. No, it's a burn from the curling iron! They call the guy from Alberta Ferretti and he says he can get her another dress. That seems easy enough. I was hoping that they'd have to shell out some cash for a replacement dress. No dice. We'll see if Kimball notices the dress is different!

Speidi finally talk one on one and after a brief hint at a breakup, they decide to move out of the apartment. They will live apart, but I can't tell if they're broken up.

The girls arrive at the ball and Lauren's dress is a different dress, but no one's saying anything for now. On with the ball. It's like a prom fashion show or something, with really fancy designing. After the ball, Kimball and Whitney talk it out and Whit admits that she'd probably be happier doing more styling, and he suggest that she explore that...and wait...did she just get fired? Whitney seems unsure herself after he says it. But Lauren comes back just in time to get a phone call from Skuzz to see if she will go on a midnight motorcycle ride through Paris with him. And when she agrees, she ruins not only her hair in the helmet, but probably the second designer dress in two days. Excellent. Seems innocent enough. he drops her at the hotel and she says to call her when he goes to LA. This might not be the last of Skuzzer!!

In the Paris hotel the girls talk about leaving and Whitney admits that she's ready for a change. Will she be leaving Teen Vogue?

Now everyone says their goodbyes. Spencer leaves Heidi in CO and Whit and Lauren leave Paris for LA. That's it!

This season on The Hills: Whitney quits. Brody's new girlfriend. Lo. Stephen. Spencer. Justin Bobby. ShePratt. Heidi. Audrina. And that was awesome! Oh, I can't wait. This has been a mega-long recap, but it was an hour long episode. If you read the whole thing, then hooray for you. And I'll see ya next week!