Oh no you didn't

We start at the gym with Lauren and Whitney, working out with the personal trainer Whitney went out with last season. Awkward! Lauren's working the punching gloves with her trainer and Whit asks if she missed anything while she was gone in Italy. Oh geez, again with the She-Pratt/Doug business. Even the trainer has an opinion of the situation. And - surprise! - it's the same as everyone else's opinion: She-Pratt sucks. Even Spencer knew that it was shady.

Time for confrontation at FIDM: Lauren plays mute when She-Pratt prances over to ask how she's doing. Really, She-Pratt? You think that she still doesn't know? When Lauren calls her out with a blunt, "What are you doing?" She-Pratt has the balls to blame Doug 100% for "using [her] to get back at [Lauren]." She can't even look at Lauren while she lies. She swears that she won't call him back and deleted him from her phone. And THEN! She immediately asks, "Are you going to his party tomorrow?" She's officially the dumbest person ever. She not only just denied wanting to go out with Doug, she also lied about deleting him from her phone and ever calling him again and then? She wants to know if Lauren will be attending the party that he's throwing the next evening. Cuz don't worry, She-Pratt will totally be there. Wait, what? She was invited "weeks ago before [She-Pratt] was even friends with him." Riiiight. Lauren seems as confused as I am and yet she just stares ahead instead of slapping her upside the head like any normal person would have done. Lauren, I hope you read these posts and take notes. Stupid people deserve head slaps. And you're going to be dishing out plenty of 'em.

Oh god, that's not even the best part of the episode because Momma Montag (MM) is visiting!! Supposedly it's a surprise for Heidi's bday, but if that's Heidi's best acting then homegirl is hopeless. I don't even care because MM is the only person who will tell Spencer to shut the hell up. Can't wait! Uh-oh, time to break the news that Spencer has moved back in - yikes. MM is not pleased. It seems as if Holly spilled the beans earlier to MM, but that doesn't prevent a little tiff not 30 seconds after MM walks in the door. And Spencer is just sitting on the couch, smiling, acting as if this whole thing is Heidi's fault. He's the worst. MM and Spencer set a date for lunch to get to know each other. I have a feeling that MM is getting the raw end of that deal.

Well, look-ee, look-ee - who's out to dinner with Doug? It couldn't be She-Pratt. No, because she deleted him from her phone. You mean she was LYING?! What next, will you tell me that this entire show is staged? She-Doug scheme about ways to fool everyone into thinking that they're "just friends." Crazy kids. Crazy, delusional, kids.

Over at People's Revolution, the girls pretend to "style jeans" as they talk about She-Doug. Whit's coming to the party and Lauren guarantees that she'll "hate him." She's probably right.

This next scene is right outta Laguna Beach (first season!) when the boys would get together to play pick up basketball and during "half time" or whatever one of them would be all, "dude, who are you gonna ask to prom?" And the other dudes would be like, "uh, yeah, i dunno, maybe Lo." And they would have a good laugh about nothing really, but the obligatory "Boys Talk about Prom Scene" was filmed and they could move on to another "Girls Talk Sh*t about Each Other Behind Their Backs Scene." In other words, it was refreshingly scripted. So here we go:

The scene: Doug's house (back porch overlooking the Hollywood Hills)

The players: Doug and Broday and Doug's cell phone

The drama: Broday accuses Doug of shadiness with She-Pratt; Doug denies it, blames her; Broday asks if they're coming to the party; Doug says yes; Doug asks Broday not to make anyone cry. *Laughter*

And scene. Thanks, fellas.

Time for the MM/Spencer lunch date! I don't know if I can accurately explain how incredibly rude Spencer is to MM. He turns everything she says and flips it back onto her to make it seem like she's an idiot and he's the smartest person ever. MM says that she thinks he's "very controlling and manipulative" and he responds with, "oh, is that what you think, from Crested Butte?" Now, granted, CB ain't the hottest spot on the map, but I think CBees can still look at a peace of sh*t and know that it's a piece of sh*t. It's not that hard to figured out that Spencer's a jerk and thankfully MM has the stones to say it straight to his face! I LOVE her!

Time for the party at Doug's house! All the usual suspects: Broday, Frankie, Audrina, JBOB (!), Lo, Lauren, she-Pratt - *gasp!* Oh NO! Quote of the episode: Lauren (while looking at Broday, Doug and Frankie): "You know what's really gross? I've kissed two outta three of those...that's awful." Yes, yes it is. Whoa - Jenn Bunney sighting! Where has she been this year? Oh, that's right, I don't care.

Alright, I know there are some people who don't watch the episode and only read the recaps (Kari), but trust me, the scene when Whitney and Lauren are totally soaked by Doug's cannonball is something that you have to see for yourselves. Fast forward to 20 minutes into the episode. Seriously. It's awesome. Because afterwards when Doug is semi-apologizing to Whitney, she says, "That's OK, I don't even know you...and I don't want to." HAHA! Yes, take that DOUG!

Poor She-Pratt's all alone texting to fake numbers, when Broday wanders over to start something. He calls her out for trying to date Doug and she denies it. Blah, blah, blah. Whitney and Lauren watch from afar and Lauren's pretty much over it. She's not pissed, just ambivalent to the fact that She-Pratt is exactly what Broday said she was: CAH-RAZAY!

Mother/daughter bonding time turns into a bitch-fest about Spencer pretty quick at Heidi and MM's lunch. MM tells Heidi that Spencer was rude and sarcastic to her and Heidi shakes it off. MM is sad that they aren't close anymore and then MM breaks out the tears. Heidi is stone-faced. Not that she could move, given that her face is about 92% plastic, but still, that's cold!

Final scene: back at Doug's house. She-Pratt is pining away for Doug in his room while Doug, Broday, Frankie, Lauren and Lo talk about the She-Doug thing. Doug spends close to 5 minutes explaining that he felt sorry for She-Pratt and wanted to help her because she was a "lost little puppy" and the best part: She-Pratt can totally hear every word that they are saying. So, she starts to cry and Lauren gets fed up with Doug and finds She-Pratt alone in his room and begins to wipe her tears. She has forgiven her yet AGAIN even when there's no justifiable reason for her to do so. But just when Lauren has said, "what you did sucks, but it's done," She-Pratt starts to blame Doug and lie about what she did and Lauren looks at her and shrugs like, really? You couldn't just leave it alone? See what I was saying about her being the dumbest person ever?

This recap was ridiculously long, but the episode was really good! Hope everyone liked it!

Next time: Audrina goes on a date - but NOT with JBob! Heidi gets sentimental about the past and sends Lauren an email. Everyone gangs up on Spencer for ruining their friendship!!

The Secret's Out

I probably will not be watching the new 90210 any longer. I have limited tolerance for teen soaps and frankly, Gossip Girl beat 'em to it. Kelly Taylor has a little boy now. And this week it was revealed that Dylan is the dad. That's all I really needed to know. Thanks and don't look for me next week.

Tinkering

Guess what I did this weekend!? I totally changed the blog! I made us a new header in Photoshop and went ahead and color-coordinated everything to match. So, uh, I hope you like it!

RR/RW Challenge

Every year I eagerly await the new round of Real World/Road Rules Challenges. Some of the finest moments in reality tv have happened on this show. In fact, I once wrote a paper in one of my advertising classes on the Challenge and even quoted Coral when she said, "I beat bitches up." Now if that wasn't quality reality tv programming, I don't know what is.

So it should come as no surprise, that I have been anxious for the start of a new season. And maybe it's my fault for building it up in my head, for expecting too much, for wanting to understand what the heck was going on from the beginning of the first show. Yeah, it has to be my fault...it couldn't be MTV's fault for opening with a lame first episode. No, no that couldn't be it...I mean MTV is the same network that gave us the 2008 MTV Music Video Awards, and those weren't terrible, right? WRONG.

I know it's my responsibility to watch and blog about this season's challenge, but I don't know if I can watch another episode....so here's what may be my final recap:

TJ Lavin (who is he anyway?) is the host again...they strand a bunch of Yea-Whos from past RR/RW on a deserted island (but there is one new guy and I can't place him, so I suspect he's just totally new). And you wanna guess what this year's big twist is? They will live out in the elements...no sweet party pad this year kids - you're pretty much on Survivor, only MTV style.

So it's pretty much the same drama, the same alliances and the same partying, just not at a sweet villa in Mexico. I especially loved that Tonya came on the show to show the world how she's got her act together and swiftly shows the world that she's still crazy Tonya (hey-remember Kari got that sweet Boondoggle of her at that fight in LR).

Cliff's Notes of Episode One: Dropped on a island - don't drink all the water - we have to use outhouses - we only have rice - let's get naked in the water and hook up - I need to puke - there are no challenges - there's a plane dropping supplies - let's kick Tonya off - the end.

Happy Halloween!

The episode opens and Lauren, Lo and She-Pratt are in a "Vegas library" with a HUGE book open and they are listing off jails that Broday ISN'T being held at. It's like Where In the World Is Carmen Sandiego, except much, much stupider.

Oh. No. The boys are back and they are laughing it up because apparently they were in the casino jail filing a police report on some loser who got up in their faces the night before. They did nothing wrong. They spent FIVE HOURS in the casino jail to make sure that this jerk was brought to justice. It's like Matlock, except much, much stupider.

Time to leave Vegas, but not before Audrina meets up with Lauren at the hotel lobby as they are leaving. It's really awkward because Lauren is super pissed since this thing has been blown way out of proportion. And now they "need to talk" but not until they get home. That's if Audrina makes it there...you know Lauren is willing her plane to crash with her mind!

Over at Casa Spiedi Spencer doesn't wait 2 seconds before breaking his promise to Heidi that he won't say anything to Holly about the not-so-perfect situation. He immediately tells her that since Heidi loves Holly so much she would never tell her that she wants her to move out of their apartment. What a jerk. Holly storms out of the apartment and this is totally gonna come back to Spencer. Heidi will kill him!

Yay! Whitney! I'm ready for a reality check! They talk about the Lauren/Audrina controversy. Ugggh, give me a break. Then they go and "style some jeans" because their job is ridiculous.

Audrina and JBob go out to dinner and guess what they talk about! JBob goes all peaceful warrior on her and tells her to get rid of the negative chi or some stuff. I think he's Audrina's guru now.

Over at People's Revolution, Kelly gathers everyone up to talk about their upcoming event at Area. They are going to be styling an artist named Lady Gaga and Whitney gets to do it all by her little self! Awwww! She's all growed up, y'all!

OK. Y'all. Heidi and Spencer. Their life is like a sitcom. It's not real. Heidi comes skipping home and then freaks out on Spencer immediately because Holly isn't home. All the sudden she's "really worried about her!" Then Spencer tells her that he "might've said something about her movin' out." He's getting the death stare. It's over for him.

AH! While Lauren and Lo are talking about "the drama that shall not be named" (that's for you, Kari), I can totally see that Lo is on Facebook! I have to friend her! Yesss!! Stalker time!

Whoa, it's already the PR event - I thought they were going to set this up for a while - and Lauren is STILL talking about how stressed out she is over this Audrina drama. I'm going to scream. Meanwhile, Lady Gaga is wearing a patent leather catsuit (why would I lie about that?) and there is zipper drama! Phew! Lauren fixes the zipper and all is well. Except for the fact that she's wearing a CATSUIT and Whitney is in charge of her whole look. Yikes!

Holly and Heidi made up. Those are all the words that they deserve.

Uh oh, somber music! It's the showdown of the century! All you need to know is that they fought for a bit about how the other one wasn't making an effort to be a friend and that the other one was really trying to make it work. Make sense? No? Awesome. Anyway, in the end they decide to let the past be in the past and be friends again. They both seem happy with the decision, but I don't know if it will last. They are too different. Sometimes you can't force a friendship. Wasn't that profound? I'm so deep.

Next time Holly contacts Lauren and MTV hints that Lauren and Heidi might want to be friends again. So. Not. Happening. I am NOT falling for it THIS time, MTV. Ha ha! I win! Oh god, I'm a loser...

Raise your hand if you suck!

So, Doug has a jet. A private jet. Ugggh. Lauren, Lo, She-Pratt, Broday, Frankie and Doug head aboard the jet and are off to Vegas! The plane ride starts off with a bang when Broday says that "We've been through some stuff together, but having Stephanie here is like having Spencer here...cheers!" Uh, what??

I think it might be Spring Break, judging by all the partying young people at the pool. Or is that what Vegas is like all year round now? The girls settle in to their room and talk about how Broday made that inappropriate comment on the plane. Lauren says that the best revenge is for Lauren to prove him wrong. Oh, Lauren...so naive, this one!

This time, the first thing we see Spencer doing at his apartment is playing an arcade game with plastic guns. He's really getting into it. Shocking! And speaking of shocking - Holly is moving out to LA!! Who would have guessed?!?! Spencer is P-I-S-S-E-D. He throws a tantrum and tells Heidi that it will probably affect their relationship. Maybe they'll break up?!!!

Back in Vegas the girls head to the boys' room, which is much more awesome than theirs, and talk about how Audrina dissed Lauren the other night when they saw her out at a club. Not surprisingly, she didn't want to talk to Lauren while she was out with Lo and it really hurt Lauren's feelings. Broday keeps telling her to kick her out of the house. Stone cold! Apparently Audrina and Justin Bobby are going to be in Vegas, too. It's going to be awesome when they run into each other!

Whoa - Holly's already in LA! She's moving in with Speidi for a while and there could be some trouble. But, what the hell is this?! Spencer is actually being nice to Holly? He gives her a high five (!!) and then asks her how her drive was? Who is this and what have they done with Spencer...and why didn't they do it months ago?! Watching him nod politely is probably the most hilarious thing I've seen this whole season.

Audrina and J.Bob check into their hotel room and talk about the "growing tension" between Audrina and Lauren. MTV knows how to set up a showdown, just get ready. It's coming.

The gang goes out to dinner at Cut (apparently, it's Wolfgang Puck's restaurant) and toast to Frankie's birthday. Then She-Pratt asks Broday why he told Lauren not to be friends with her. He calls her "crazy" and a "complete psycho" and references her old "drug problem." Yikes. Then he tells her to "leave" and everyone keeps trying to change the subject, but it's too late and She-Pratt is crying. She and Lauren head to the bathroom but dinner is pretty much a total downer now. Lauren and She-Pratt go to their room and decide that She-Pratt shouldn't listen to Broday because he's a jerk face.

Time to go clubbin'! OK, so here's the deal. Audrina and JBob enter the club and IMMEDIATELY Broday goes up to Justin and starts talking to him about the Audrina/Lauren thing. THEN Audrina finds Frankie and HE starts talking to her about how they just need to talk. People. Stay out of their business. This is becoming a much bigger deal than it needs to be. But, apparently it's too much for Audrina to handle so she and JBob decide to leave. Crisis averted - aka MTV just made a HUGE deal out of nothing. Why do I always fall for it?!

Back in LA, Spencer arrives at Heidi's work and demands that she come down to talk to him. Are you ready for the big reason why he is so upset? Really, I mean, I don't know if you can handle this. She...erased...two of his Tivo shows. I know. Try and remain calm. This is a difficult situation for all of us. Heidi is seriously not having it. She tells Spencer that he should get out of the house to deal with it. Now THAT'S an idea!

Time to leave Vegas, but not before Frankie comes to visit so he can tell them that Broday is in the slammer! Doug got punched and they are both in jail. And scene. Seriously, MTV? Are you kidding me? That's the end of the episode. JERKS!

Next time: Drama. Just...more drama and more idiots. Yeah, stay tuned. Oh, and it's on tomorrow night because MTV hates me. Do they think I have time for all of these recaps?!

I don't think Brandon is coming back...

Unless there is going to be a side plot for a Grizzly-Man adventure in his contract. Yikes!!

Dylan, Kelly, I Hate You Both

Ever since I heard about a new 90210, I must admit that I've been pretty excited. I've been addicted to the original from day one. I mean, when you realize that 90210 is on every day at 3 and 4 on Lifetime, you don't just catch it when you can. You schedule classes around it. And that's exactly how my potluck roomie and I bonded my freshman year. It's been years since the crazy exploits of Brenda, Dylan, Kelly, Steve, Brandon, Donna and David, so yeah, I was a little anxious to see the new show. And even a lackluster fan of the original would surely tune in to see Kelly and Brenda reunite on screen. So here goes...

The Walsh... I mean, the Wilson's pull up loser cruiser style to a beautiful LA mansion, apparently directly out of a Kansas dustbowl because that van is really dirty! Annie is cute, Dixon is adopted, mom is a photographer and dad is the new West Beverly Hills High principal. Didn't see that one coming. Obviously the parents are going to be much more a part of the storyline than Jim and Cindy ever were. The two hour premiere was really long, so I'll just catch you up on the highlights:

Ethan and Naomi are the hottest couple in town. He's a lacrosse star and she's rich. She reminds me of Jessie Spano (when I looked up the correct spelling of Spano, Google had the following suggestions of how to complete my request: Jessie Spano caffeine pills, Jessie Spano excited and Jessie Spano freak out). Annie immediately sees Ethan hooking up with another girl, which does not bode well for his relationship with Naomi.

Annie is about to make a new friend, or enemy, when I'm hit with a tornado warning. Dang. Fortunately, I later realize that the girl she was talking to was none other than Erin Silver! Maybe I'm giving too much credit here, but I'm impressed with how the producers actually try to make this seem like a continuation of the original show. I had pretty much forgotten about Erin Silver, but of course she would be going to West Beverly right about now. Good call, producers. Silver's an angry little soul. I'm sure we'll get more on that later.

Ok. Back to the details. This show is so complicated already. Let's see... Dixon is a lacrosse star, but not all of his teammates appreciate that. Naomi and Ethan break up and Ethan starts to fall for Annie. However, Annie has already ditched her Kansas boyfriend and been swept off her teeth* by Ty Collins, who I will refer to at Toothy Ty. He takes her to San Francisco on their first date. And get this, she gets busted because her mom finds a matchbook from a San Fran restaurant in her jeans. Who takes matchbooks?! Lame-o way to get caught in my opinion. Annie should talk to Brenda. Speaking of Brenda, she arrives approximately one hour and thirty minutes into the premiere, not that I was waiting or anything.

Brenda and Kelly meet up at The Pit and Nat is so glad to see them there. Has Nat been on anything else? This guy owes 90210 everything! They chat for about 10 seconds before the show moves on. I'm hoping to see more of them!! Oh and Kelly has a kid and I really need to know who the father is. Last I know, she was probably going to be with Dylan and if Luke Perry struts into West Beverly, I'll be that much happier.

This is getting really long. Basically, the new 90210 is the old 90210 meets The O.C. and has a menage a trois with Gossip Girl. In other words, a ridiculous exaggeration of life as a sixteen-year-old that I can't help but watch! Not sure if I can do updates each week because the storylines are so complicated. But I do think I can come up with something about the show, so keep watching and keep reading.

Sidenote: I saw a preview for the new movie "The Women." Annette Bening's character tells the cosmetic sales lady "This is my face. Deal with it." I laughed.

*As I reread this post, I realized that I typed teeth, instead of feet. Obviously, Toothy Ty has already gotten to me.

She's totally about to laugh in his face

Time for Whitney to set up the episode - she's off to NYC and looks like Lauren is over Doug. There aren't any sparks so Lauren's gonna dump his ass. Looks like Doug's 15 minutes are O-V-E-R!

Lauren meets up with She-Pratt at FIDM and they are going to try and make it work. Why? I have NO idea!

Whit has arrived in NYC! Already Kelly has asked her why she's late and told her to go upstairs and help with the casting. The MALE model casting. Whitney is literally not looking anyone in the eye. She's so scared of the guys! Kelly takes over and asks a guy to go out with them later that night. Whitney turns beet red at the prospect of a date.

Spiedi head to lunch at Cut in LA. I guess it's a nice place, but any place that will let Speidi in is obviously trash-tastic. Their whole interaction is basically Spencer whining that they're never alone and Heidi telling him that she misses She-Pratt. Hmmm, looks as if they aren't so much on the same page? But the BEST is when Spencer LOOKS AT HIS WATCH and says, "Time to get in bed and cuddle my dear!" and then takes a HUGE drink of wine. Is he kidding? The sad part is, I really don't know. Heidi looks SO excited!

Lauren meets up with Broday (he might as well change it permanently) for sushi. She's running late...probably because she had to squeeze herself into those LEATHER LEGGINGS (no photo to be found - damn!). Lauren. What. The. Hell. They talk about Doug not being the right guy for Lauren and how Broday IS the right guy for Lauren. Just start dating again, already.

Back in NYC Whit meets the male model for drinks and, lo and behold!, Kelly and "everyone else" cancels. That sneaky little minx! She had it planned all along, that Kelly Cutrone! Working for the devil has some perks, at least. Whit and the model have a decent date, they walk around the city and talk about NYC vs. LA and then they have a nice goodbye at Whit's hotel. If it wasn't already official, Whitney is the most normal person on this show.

Whit's back in LA she gives Lauren the run-down of her "total date-style" encounter with the male model (I didn't catch his name, is the reason I keep calling him that). I can tell they had a good time, but Whitney immediately puts the focus back on Lauren (that's a good little supporting cast-member!) and asks her about Doug and Lauren makes this face:

Obviously can't wait to see him. She's going to break up with him later.

Over in Speidiwood, She-Pratt is attempting (God only knows why) to heal her relationship with Spencer by buying him gifts. I just threw up. When Spencer decides he doesn't want to be in your life, you thank your lucky stars and head in the opposite direction! But alas, she has bought him "The Secret History of the CIA" (uh, what??) to win him back. Spencer accepts the gift but won't say anything more than one-word answers to She-Pratt's questions. And that's that. Run, woman, run while you can!

Time to break Doug's heart. Time for Lauren to tell him that he sucks and she hates him. It's breakup time! Doug gets a little defensive when Lauren says that "it's just not there." And after a little bit of back and forth about how her crush didn't turn into anything more, they are back to being just friends. That was lame. Why am I surprised?

Next week: They head BACK to Vegas! Hopefully no one will flash their "Britney" like last year! Here's what's up: it's on Sunday, after the VMAs (yes, I will watch them, I'm an addict), so set your DVRs to record! Audrina and Justin Bobby form a team against the rest of the gang. Broday makes She-Pratt cry and then winds up in jail (for different reasons...I think) with Doug. Yowza!

So, it's NOT Monday?

I've thought that it was Monday all day today. I only just now realized that it's actually Tuesday and I missed The Hills last night. No, I don't put it on series record, because MTV likes to pretend that those episodes are always "new" which means that I am constantly recording Hills episodes that I've already seen. It's annoying. What's also annoying, however, is having to remember to record it myself. I had been doing so great until this holiday interfered with my plan. And I blame Spencer. Jerk.