Oh no you didn't

We start at the gym with Lauren and Whitney, working out with the personal trainer Whitney went out with last season. Awkward! Lauren's working the punching gloves with her trainer and Whit asks if she missed anything while she was gone in Italy. Oh geez, again with the She-Pratt/Doug business. Even the trainer has an opinion of the situation. And - surprise! - it's the same as everyone else's opinion: She-Pratt sucks. Even Spencer knew that it was shady.

Time for confrontation at FIDM: Lauren plays mute when She-Pratt prances over to ask how she's doing. Really, She-Pratt? You think that she still doesn't know? When Lauren calls her out with a blunt, "What are you doing?" She-Pratt has the balls to blame Doug 100% for "using [her] to get back at [Lauren]." She can't even look at Lauren while she lies. She swears that she won't call him back and deleted him from her phone. And THEN! She immediately asks, "Are you going to his party tomorrow?" She's officially the dumbest person ever. She not only just denied wanting to go out with Doug, she also lied about deleting him from her phone and ever calling him again and then? She wants to know if Lauren will be attending the party that he's throwing the next evening. Cuz don't worry, She-Pratt will totally be there. Wait, what? She was invited "weeks ago before [She-Pratt] was even friends with him." Riiiight. Lauren seems as confused as I am and yet she just stares ahead instead of slapping her upside the head like any normal person would have done. Lauren, I hope you read these posts and take notes. Stupid people deserve head slaps. And you're going to be dishing out plenty of 'em.

Oh god, that's not even the best part of the episode because Momma Montag (MM) is visiting!! Supposedly it's a surprise for Heidi's bday, but if that's Heidi's best acting then homegirl is hopeless. I don't even care because MM is the only person who will tell Spencer to shut the hell up. Can't wait! Uh-oh, time to break the news that Spencer has moved back in - yikes. MM is not pleased. It seems as if Holly spilled the beans earlier to MM, but that doesn't prevent a little tiff not 30 seconds after MM walks in the door. And Spencer is just sitting on the couch, smiling, acting as if this whole thing is Heidi's fault. He's the worst. MM and Spencer set a date for lunch to get to know each other. I have a feeling that MM is getting the raw end of that deal.

Well, look-ee, look-ee - who's out to dinner with Doug? It couldn't be She-Pratt. No, because she deleted him from her phone. You mean she was LYING?! What next, will you tell me that this entire show is staged? She-Doug scheme about ways to fool everyone into thinking that they're "just friends." Crazy kids. Crazy, delusional, kids.

Over at People's Revolution, the girls pretend to "style jeans" as they talk about She-Doug. Whit's coming to the party and Lauren guarantees that she'll "hate him." She's probably right.

This next scene is right outta Laguna Beach (first season!) when the boys would get together to play pick up basketball and during "half time" or whatever one of them would be all, "dude, who are you gonna ask to prom?" And the other dudes would be like, "uh, yeah, i dunno, maybe Lo." And they would have a good laugh about nothing really, but the obligatory "Boys Talk about Prom Scene" was filmed and they could move on to another "Girls Talk Sh*t about Each Other Behind Their Backs Scene." In other words, it was refreshingly scripted. So here we go:

The scene: Doug's house (back porch overlooking the Hollywood Hills)

The players: Doug and Broday and Doug's cell phone

The drama: Broday accuses Doug of shadiness with She-Pratt; Doug denies it, blames her; Broday asks if they're coming to the party; Doug says yes; Doug asks Broday not to make anyone cry. *Laughter*

And scene. Thanks, fellas.

Time for the MM/Spencer lunch date! I don't know if I can accurately explain how incredibly rude Spencer is to MM. He turns everything she says and flips it back onto her to make it seem like she's an idiot and he's the smartest person ever. MM says that she thinks he's "very controlling and manipulative" and he responds with, "oh, is that what you think, from Crested Butte?" Now, granted, CB ain't the hottest spot on the map, but I think CBees can still look at a peace of sh*t and know that it's a piece of sh*t. It's not that hard to figured out that Spencer's a jerk and thankfully MM has the stones to say it straight to his face! I LOVE her!

Time for the party at Doug's house! All the usual suspects: Broday, Frankie, Audrina, JBOB (!), Lo, Lauren, she-Pratt - *gasp!* Oh NO! Quote of the episode: Lauren (while looking at Broday, Doug and Frankie): "You know what's really gross? I've kissed two outta three of those...that's awful." Yes, yes it is. Whoa - Jenn Bunney sighting! Where has she been this year? Oh, that's right, I don't care.

Alright, I know there are some people who don't watch the episode and only read the recaps (Kari), but trust me, the scene when Whitney and Lauren are totally soaked by Doug's cannonball is something that you have to see for yourselves. Fast forward to 20 minutes into the episode. Seriously. It's awesome. Because afterwards when Doug is semi-apologizing to Whitney, she says, "That's OK, I don't even know you...and I don't want to." HAHA! Yes, take that DOUG!

Poor She-Pratt's all alone texting to fake numbers, when Broday wanders over to start something. He calls her out for trying to date Doug and she denies it. Blah, blah, blah. Whitney and Lauren watch from afar and Lauren's pretty much over it. She's not pissed, just ambivalent to the fact that She-Pratt is exactly what Broday said she was: CAH-RAZAY!

Mother/daughter bonding time turns into a bitch-fest about Spencer pretty quick at Heidi and MM's lunch. MM tells Heidi that Spencer was rude and sarcastic to her and Heidi shakes it off. MM is sad that they aren't close anymore and then MM breaks out the tears. Heidi is stone-faced. Not that she could move, given that her face is about 92% plastic, but still, that's cold!

Final scene: back at Doug's house. She-Pratt is pining away for Doug in his room while Doug, Broday, Frankie, Lauren and Lo talk about the She-Doug thing. Doug spends close to 5 minutes explaining that he felt sorry for She-Pratt and wanted to help her because she was a "lost little puppy" and the best part: She-Pratt can totally hear every word that they are saying. So, she starts to cry and Lauren gets fed up with Doug and finds She-Pratt alone in his room and begins to wipe her tears. She has forgiven her yet AGAIN even when there's no justifiable reason for her to do so. But just when Lauren has said, "what you did sucks, but it's done," She-Pratt starts to blame Doug and lie about what she did and Lauren looks at her and shrugs like, really? You couldn't just leave it alone? See what I was saying about her being the dumbest person ever?

This recap was ridiculously long, but the episode was really good! Hope everyone liked it!

Next time: Audrina goes on a date - but NOT with JBob! Heidi gets sentimental about the past and sends Lauren an email. Everyone gangs up on Spencer for ruining their friendship!!