Bitter, Table for Two!

In the aftermath of Momma Montag's cry-fest and rampage against Spencer, we find that Holly has decided to hang out with Lauren. Let Step Two in plan "Get Heidi Away from Spencer and Back with Lauren" begin!

Audrina and Bangs go get some coffee and dish about Audrina's date with some guy named Colin. NOT Justin-Bobby! That scene lasts about 15 seconds because this story-line is boorrrring.

Holly and Heidi head out for an alfresco coffee and Holly mentions that Lauren is really happy and maybe "misses her." Hmmm...maybe you aren't putting those two things together quite right? Heidi starts a sob story about how Lauren wasn't the only one hurt when their friendship ended and Holly suggests that maybe Lauren needs to be reminded of that with a heartfelt letter. Awwww...eehhhccchhhk. Pardon my gagging.

Date time with Audrina and Colin! They're talking about music and her job and it's really boring. And then they start to down some drinks and Colin admits that he's the "happiest drunk you'll ever meet" and Audrina's all, "well Justin always gets in fights when he drinks." Colin is unfazed and brings it back to his game and then tells her she has beautiful eyes. Smooth move. Better than anything J.Bob has ever said to her. Colin could have said, "uh, I like your...uh, cell phone" and Audrina probably would've thought he'd just proposed, she's so starved for romance.

Time for Holly and Lauren to reconnect at S Bar. I'll be honest, Holly seems pretty nice and she reminds me of Heidi before all the plastinization of the facial area. Lauren is genuinely laughing recounting their days when they lived in the same room. And then Lo goes and ruins the mood with a, "you remind me so much of Heidi!" Looks like Holly's gonna have to work extra hard to win back Lauren for Heidi!

Lauren and Whitney get to "work" at People's Revolution. And by that I mean read the letter from Heidi! OH SNAP! What?! She totally wrote Lauren and old-fashioned letter on personalized Heidiwood stationery (OK, I don't know for a fact, but it's probably true)! The letter says that she's sorry for everything she's said and that she takes responsibility and that she was hurt in the ordeal, too. So, will Lauren believe that she's sincere? Lauren thinks that Heidi must be feeling lonely now that Holly's back and hanging out with Lauren and that Heidi's trying to reconnect. But she also can't believe that Heidi won't just blame Spencer. Because at the heart of this entire conflict is the fact that Lauren is mad at Spencer, not Heidi. But Heidi has always defended Spencer and made it seem as if she was in cahoots with him.

Whoa! Second date with Audrina and Colin! The only part MTV airs is a discussion of whether or not Audrina and J.Bob are together or not. Wow, riveting. He's dunzo for sure.

Holly heads over to casa Lauren and they talk about the letter from Heidi. Lauren says that if Heidi just wants forgiveness, that she gave it to her a long time ago. It's not about that anymore. Then Lauren asks if Heidi has any good friends and Holly admits that Heidi only has her. Lauren seems pretty sympathetic, but then she says that it's not about her, and if it weren't for Spencer they could probably be friends again. Holly perks up at this information and repeats what Lauren says, as if getting an official verbal contract to send to Heidi like, "hey, dump his ass and she'll take you back!"

Lauren and Audrina have a heart-to-heart and Audrina breaks the news that she's dumping Colin for J.Bob, even though he hasn't done anything to make her want to keep him, other than still being in the back of her head. Lauren suggests that she tell J.Bob that she's been dating other guys and see what he says. Then Lauren fills Audrina in on the Heidi gossip and Lauren ponders what everyone would be doing if Heidi had never met Spencer. And by "met" I'm sure she means, "been bamboozled into thinking that he wanted to get to know her when in actuality he just wanted to get on TV." Yeah, I wonder...

Audrina heads out with J.Bob to tell him about the date she went on and he acts as if he could care less. He asks if Colin was "nice" and calls her "dude" like they're just drinkin' buddies. Then she calls him out for supposedly dating other women and then he starts talking about some ridiculous mess that reminds me of that time when he said "let's let truth and time tell all." He's a zen-master, I tell ya.

Time for Holly to start Step Three in plan "Get Heidi Away from Spencer and Back with Lauren." Step Three is simple. Lie. Through your teeth. Tell Heidi how much Lauren misses her and how much she wants them to be friends again. Huh, that's funny, I sure don't remember Lauren ever saying anything like that during their conversations. Weird. Anyway, Step Three is in full effect! Heidi admits that if Lauren were to come up to her and say that she would like to be friends again, that she'd probably say, "yeah, that's cool, whatever, call me later." When we all know that she'd run up and hug her and never let her go again because she misses her so much that it hurts!! And that's when Spencer saunters in, because he's obviously been listening in on their conversation (oh, he's the greatest guy, for reals) and asks Heidi, "WTF?" Holly tells Heidi that Spencer is the only thing standing in the way of her and Lauren being friends again and Spencer is thrilled with this news! As long as he is with Heidi, then there's no Lauren. I mean, it's like his lucky day. But Holly sees another challenge because if she can accomplish plan "Get Heidi Away from Spencer and Back with Lauren" then she'll be rid of that evil Chester Cheetah for good! Good luck brave warrior. Good luck!

Next time on The Hills...Audrina sluts it up and Heidi probably pouts about something. Is anyone else enjoying this season as much as I am?!

PS. I totally stole the title for this post from Kristin Chenoweth's bit at the Emmy Awards. I'll give credit where credit is due...I thought it was a great line!