Broday's "Bromance" is a Pain in my Kardashian

Who hasn't seen the MTV promo for their new Monday nights and heard Broday ask "What is a Bromance?"

I think he answers that it's something like a friendship between your good buddies....

WRONG-O Broday.

What is a Bromance ? I'll tell you. It's a lame attempt at recreating Paris Hilton's My New Best Friend, only for guys. I didn't think it'd be possible to have a show on TV worse than Paris' but I was wrong. Broday takes the cake with this stinker.

You're probably feeling sorry for me about right now because I wasted an hour of my life watching this catastrophe, but don't - cause I didn't. No, I formed pretty strong opinions about this rotten tomato of a show in all of about 3 minutes.

During a commercial break of Jon & Kate plus 8 (a true gem of a show) I decided I'd check out Bromance. What I saw almost made me throw up in my mouth. The instant I tuned in, the contestants were arriving at a club where they were hoping they'd find the four girls they picked up that day decked out in lingerie waiting to get into the club. You see that was their challenge - have four girls show up at the club for a lingerie party. I didn't watch past that to see who was successful - I had to get back to that lovable family of two sets of multiples.

I did change back over around 8:50ish thinking I could stomach the end and not wanting to miss a minute of The City. I was wrong.

This time I tuned in just in time to hear Broday tell the guys it was elimination night and he was heading up to his hot tub to think it over. No thanks Broday - I quickly returned to TLC.

So in short I will not be tuning in for Bromance because it sucks. But I will be watching The City and I have lots of opinions to share. So maybe I'll try a recap tomorrow night. It probably won't be near as funny, well written or insightful as Jenny's, but I'll give it the ol'college try - which is more than MTV can say for their most recent "masterpiece" Bromance.

Oh, and did I mention that guy in the picture above (the one you don't recognize) his name is Sleazy T. I rest my case.

O' Christmas Tree!

I can't help but show off the tree Jules and I put together for our work Christmas party. Check it out!

So I married a d-bag

Another season is about to come to an end. Will Heidi really marry Spencer in a court of law? Will Lauren be able to find a friend who sticks with her through thick and thin (Lo doesn't count, sorry)? Will Whitney ever talk to any of these losers ever again? Let's find out...right now!

In the aftermath of the Speidi wedding, Heidi returns to work at Bolthouse (as an intern?) and she's meeting up with Work Friend and Brent to talk "business." Brent asks the girls how their vacations were and Heidi admits to getting married after they "had a couple margaritas." Nice. Brent's response? "Shut up." and then "Alright." Yeah, that's about everyone's reaction, Brenty boy!

Lauren and Lo are getting primped for an event that night. Bolthouse is throwing the event and Heidi will likely be there. All this build up will lead up to a Lauren/Heidi reunion. So, get ready.

Oh. God. This is the ultimate Justin Bobby shot if ever there was one. Check that out. Overalls. No shirt. On a hog. Yep. That pretty much sums up Justin Bobby in a nutshell. Where the hell are those two heading? Looks like a little bungalow in Palm Springs. Just the two of them. For a weekend retreat without drama. Pop open the champagne!

Whoa, things just got real. Heidi's mom is in town. You can cut the tension with a knife. She and Spencer are just sitting in silence. When Heidi comes in she's surprised to see her mom and I think that's the point. This is an intervention, you idiot. Mom gets pretty upset about the whole thing, but Heidi defends her decision again by referencing the margaritas (seriously, you should cut that from your description, you aren't making it any better) and a beautiful sunset. Her mom says that if Heidi's happy then she's happy, but then she starts crying because it's just another example of how she isn't involved in Heidi's life anymore. Heidi then invites her to City Hall the next day where they are going to make it legal. This is your chance, Darlene! Swipe Spencer with your SVU on the way there - I'll owe you big time! At least Spencer has learned to keep his mouth shut. He lets Heidi do all the talking and sits on the couch trying to look innocent.

Back in Palm Springs Justin and Audrina talk about their relationship. Justin starts talking about the heavens and his lucky stars and I'm pretty sure he almost says truth and time tell all, and then he tells her that he's so lucky to know Audrina. That he never opens up with other people. And then he gives her a ring. NOT what you're thinking. It's a sweet ring, very simple, but he gives it to her as a sign that...uh...um...he's not a d-bag? So, anyways, way to go, JBob!

It's event time! Heidi and Work Friend are schmoozing and meet up with Holly and She-Pratt. It's black tie and She-Pratt is wearing a fur vest and orange shirt. WTF? (*Side note: I'm almost positive that I saw Steven from the Real World Las Vegas at the party. The clip showed him for less than a second, but I have watched enough crappy MTV to pinpoint a Real Worlder from a mile away!) That's when they spot Lauren and Lo from across the room and they wave and it's civil, but Heidi immediately wants to go over to Lauren. So, She-Pratt tells her to do it. And Lo scurries away!

The Heidi and Lauren confrontation. Ya'll it was just so sad. It wasn't even remotely hostile. It's just too bad that things had to happen the way they did because they obviously care about each other even after all that's happened. I have to say, it's one of the few times on The Hills when Heidi seemed real. Not like robotic, reading cue cards, but emotional and heartfelt and honest. And Lauren admitted that she missed Heidi and was there for her if she ever really needed anything. It was just a nice moment between two former friends and I'm glad they repaired some of the damage. Oh, and DEATH to Spencer!

The real Spencer comes out when Darlene confronts him and says that he manipulated the whole wedding. She tells him that she won't let him go to the courthouse to make it legal. But it's an empty threat and Spencer knows it and so he acts like a d-bag and smiles a fake smile and then calls her "mom." STRANGLE HIM, DARLENE!! DO IT!

In Palm Springs JBob and Audrina share a nice morning together and automatically become the most normal couple on the show. Congrats, guys!

It's time for the wedding event of the year! In a courtroom. Wah-wah. Heidi is having doubts because her mom did not show up to support her. And so she heads to the bathroom to "freshen up" aka "jump out the window!" While she's gone, She-Pratt (the witness) tells Spencer that he shouldn't go through with it because it's a scary courtroom wedding and she's supposed to remember this day forever and all she's going to remember is the police officer and judge and that her mom and sister aren't talking to her. All sound arguments. And yet, they proceed with the ceremony. Heidi says her vows and then... THEN.

Spencer stops the ceremony. He won't do it if Heidi is upset about her mom not being there. He will wait to get married if that what she wants. Wow. I can't even believe that he did that. I hate him a little less now. Very little, but it's something. So, the whole wedding thing was a fraud. They aren't married. Heidi, there's still time to get out! I'm getting together with Darlene to break these two apart! With my blog and her actually knowing each of them, I think we stand a chance!

I think that as far as season finales goes, this one was pretty good. We had actual drama instead of manufactured drama and it wasn't a huge let down. I was actually surprised that the wedding was a no-go. Speidi has done a lot of press about how they legally got married, but that was just a sham, it seems. Well played, you a-holes.

See you all next season. Happy Holidays!

We've officially bottomed out

I know People.com doesn't count as an actual news source, but seriously? This is the type of questions we're asking these days? And I am only feeding the fire by writing this blog. I may have to re-evaluate my life during The Hills hiatus.

One union ends and another begins. And I just threw up.

Buckle up, kids, this episode will follow the train wreck that was the Speidi wedding. I'm going to have to ignore my own one-line rule for Speidi this post. So you've been warned. Spencer's brainwashing is near completion. Heidi and Spencer arrive in Mexico and it looks as if the vacation was a surprise for Heidi. Spencer tells her that this will be the most memorable vacation of her life and he's probably right. I think it's nearly impossible to forget that weekend in Mexico when you throw caution to the wind and decide to marry a d-bag.

Back in LA, Whit gets a phone call offering her the job at Diane von Furstenberg! Lauren makes faces both sad and happy. Well done.

You know how Speidi always pose for paparazzi in ridiculous getups and situations (like this and this)? Well, I think their need for attention may have permanently altered their brains. Heidi waltzes out to their terrace with champagne wearing a bikini and HIGH HEELS. Spencer is casually lounging on a chair reading a book (probably War & Peace) and it's just like a scene out of a movie. Just to clarify, I mean any one of the Saw movies. Moving on...

LA again - She-Pratt pays a visit to Audrina and JBob is there hanging out, so I guess they're back together...again. She-Pratt is looking high and low (hence the visit to Audrina's - burn!) and cannot find Speidi. She's called everyone, even her mom, who apparently talks to Heidi every day. Alert the authorities! Speidi's on the loose!

Over in Cabo, Speidi spend the night awkwardly sitting alone drinking shots of Patron. Looks like Heidi's sloshed and Spencer uses this ample opportunity to tell her that they should get married. Yes, he told her. He didn't ask her. She's looped out of her mind, and he's trying to trick her into marrying him. He's the devil.

Whitney's going away party attracts Lauren, Lo, Audrina, Broday and Whitney's mom and dad, who are even whiter than Whitney. After a nice speech by Whit's dad, everyone gets all teary-eyed. Whit's leaving and they're all super sad because they've forgotten momentarily about hew new MTV spinoff, The City!

Back in Cabo, Spencer keeps trying to convince Heidi to marry him. Let me give you a few tidbits of his proposal: "madly obsessed with you" "I haven't left your side in two and a half years" "I pretty much keep you from the whole world." Soooo...wanna get married or somethin? Heidi says yes because she's brainwashed and they start to makeout and it's disgusting. Spencer interrupts by saying, "Save some for the honeymoon, yo!" and Heidi responds by saying, "I'll show you what a wife does." Did anyone manager to NOT throw up after reading that? Me neither. They are the WORST.

Lauren and Whitney go out for lunch and recount the memories, which leads to Lauren getting a good cry out. It's a touching moment, except for the fact that Whitney is stone faced! No tears at all. Lauren's really letting go and all Whitney can say is, "I'm really touched that we made it this far." Really? I don't think you are. Because if you were, you'd be CRYING. She's gonna take New York by storm!

Since the news broke that Speidi got married, there has been evidence that it wasn't as shocking as the show - and Speidi - would have us believe. Apparently you need all kinds of different licenses and IDs and birth certificates and basically, they orchestrated the entire thing. Now, the morning after - Heidi admits that the Patron might have helped Spencer accomplish his marriage mission. They watch the video of them after the ceremony and the whole time Heidi keeps saying, "I can't believe we did this." Not in an exciting way, either. It sounds more like regret. Especially when she imagines telling her mom. Yep, that's regret alright!

Whit's getting ready to board her plane for NYC! She has one suitcase and a carry-on bag. I pack more for a 4-day trip than she does when moving her entire life to a new city. I guess she's really starting over up there. Are you guys gonna watch her new show?

Next time on the SEASON FINALE! Heidi's mom comes down to try and talk some sense into Heidi (good luck, I've been trying to do it for years via this blog with no luck); Justin maybe proposes to Audrina (probably not) and Lauren and Heidi have a confrontation that is less violent than those in episodes past. Oh, and Spencer acts like a d-bag to Heidi's mom - surprise! Thank jeebus this season is finally ending!

"Guess who's on the phone!" Satan.

This week we get to watch Whitney reach for the stars! Kelly Cutrone has set up an interview for her at Diane von Furstenberg to do in-house PR. Kelly must get some kind of sweet commission or something because why would she want to get rid of Whit? The job is in NYC - the same place where her music man boyfriend resides - which means Whitney would be relocating. Wouldn't it be a great idea for MTV to do like a spin-off show following Whitney around? They should look into that...and give me some sort of "finder's fee." Thanks, MTV! Love ya!

Lauren and Audrina decide to remain friends for the good of the networ--I mean, uh, friendship. Yep, and so they are hanging out, it's not awkward at all! Lauren brings up Justin Bobby and wonders if Audrina still "wants that." Audrina responds that she still "wants it" and I vomit in my mouth a little bit. Lauren also tells Audrina that her parents are moving from their Laguna Beach home so she and Lo are gonna go and pack up her old room. Seriously? This is episode-worthy material here? I can't wait to watch Lauren and Lo look through old yearbooks and pretend that their high school days were just like everyone elses.

She-Pratt meets up with Cheester Cheetah (the beard is outta control) and he tells her to dump Cameron. His logic? They've broken up like 4 or 5 times. He has the nerve to say to her, "Do you know how immature this relationship sounds from an outside perspective?" Yeeeah, because she's gonna take relationship advice from a guy who got his girlfriend fired, alienated all his girlfriend's friends and family and generally has no concept of how to be a good human being. Riiiight.

Over at People's Revolution Whit tells Lauren about her DvF interview. Of course Lauren's sad, but she knows that this is the big time for Whitney.

I've seen the DvF offices before on Project Runway, and they are massive and very simplistic with large sculptural pieces and a ginormous staircase. Whitney has to walk up the staircase and I had a Good Morning America flashback for a second, but she handled it. In heels no less! She nails with interview with her future boss who looks like a sassy minx! She's gonna be trouble!

She-Pratt breaks up with Cameron. That's it. Whatever. It's time for me to admit that I watch The Hills on MTV.com. Way less commercials and I can write the recap as I watch. It's really raw that way, you know? Totally in-the-moment blogging. But, I'm telling you this because there are comments on MTV.com below the video of the episode and they are usually stupid, but this one hit the nail on the head. Observe:

"NOBODY CARES WHAT HAPPENS WITH STEPHANIE PRATTS LIFE....... SHE IS FAKE..... CUT THAT WHOLE SEGMENT OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Can someone get that person a blog?

Lauren and Lo take a trip down memory lane by reading Lauren's old diary and her will. Not kidding. She requested to be buried in her homecoming dress with her crown. Awesome.

In NYC, music man meets up with Whitney after her interview and they are the cutest couple ever. He better not be a jerk face. Those musician types are tricky! I might have to watch The City just to see Whitney and Jay (music man) interact. Finally some reality in this damn show. Their love isn't jaded yet like all of Lauren's relationships. How refreshing.

Next time: Whit gets a job! She moves away and Lauren loses yet another friend. Maybe losing isn't the right word, but whatever. And it looks as if we get to witness the Speidi nuptials! I AM GAGGING.

Is it just me or is she about to laugh?

Looks like we have to watch more of this Lauren/Audrina feud in tonight's episode. I really need to know how long these arguments go on in real life because I'm barely two episodes and I'm already about to die. Imagine if you had to live it! *Shudder*

Over at Epic Records, Audrina and Bangs are trying to deconstruct the situation. Here's a question for ya: why doesn't Bangs wear makeup when she knows she's gonna be on national television? I mean, it's one thing to act like you don't know who Spencer is when he waltzes into Bolthouse and asks to see Heidi. It's a much dumber thing to BE ON THE SHOW and pretend like you don't know about the show. I don't buy it, Bangs! Now put on some concealer so I can try and concentrate on what Audrina is saying instead of getting lost in your under-eye circles. As it is, I have no idea what was said in their convo. Probably something about Justin Bobby letting truth and time tell all.

Hey, it's Broday! Pool party at Lauren's! Guess what he wants to talk about?! Here we go again. Maybe he has some interesting Broday-isms to share. Let's see, we've got "You don't want someone like that (Audrina) in your life" and "It's a win-win" referring to how Audrina not being friends with Lauren is going to be all kinds of good! Thanks, Broday!

Over at Audrina's place, Horseface McTats is chillin' with Audrina and I bet you a hundred dollars I know what they want to talk about!! At least we're finally getting somewhere: she suggests that Audrina apologize to Lauren so that they can be friends again. JBob might be a lost cause, but since Audrina finally believes that the rumor is not true, then she might as well apologize for acting like a crazy lady.

Remember the last post when I said that I would only write one sentence about Speidi in every post? Here it is: They took She-Pratt over to visit Nana Pratt (who is awesome, as all grandma's are) and Spencer totally acted like a major jerk and kept talking about how he and Heidi see Nana all the time and are such good kids. Barf.

Lauren and Whitney pretend to work while gossiping about Whitney's music man (they still talk on the phone!) and then about - what else - the Audrina thing. Looks like Audrina is going to take Horsey's advice and apologize!

Nana Pratt and She-Pratt go out for a one-on-one talk and start talking smack about Spencer. She-Pratt asks why Spencer is her favorite grandchild and suggests that if Nana looked closer at Spencer then maybe he wouldn't be her favorite. Is it me, or is it weird that Nana is totally cool with She-Pratt saying that Spencer is her "favorite" grandchild? Isn't there an unwritten law that says all grandchildren are loved the same? And thou shalt never speak otherwise? Pretty sure it's a law. Anyway, not that She-Pratt's so awesome, but Spencer shouldn't be anyone's favorite anything. Period.

Get out your Kleenex, it's time for the big apology. Cue the sappy music. OK, so Lauren tells Audrina that she can't believe she didn't trust her enough not to believe the rumor and Audrina goes on about how she (Audrina) doesn't trust anyone. Then she says that she thinks she would be happier if she didn't have JBob in her life because she has been so torn up inside lately. Lauren tells her that she only wants her to be happy and hopes that she can learn to trust people. It's hard to tell if Lauren totally forgives her, but they do walk out together and make plans to hang out next week, but Lauren still makes a sad face and leaves without much fanfare. It looks as if Audrina thinks they made up though, she's all huge toothy smiles! That apology was lame though, Lauren didn't even cry and although Audrina did cry, she invested in waterproof mascara so it's not an ugly cry. Worthless. Just like this whole episode.

Next time: She-Pratt gets back together with her boyfriend...maybe. And Whitney goes to interview at Diane Von Furstenberg! The finale could be any week now, since we all now know what happens after that interview! I hope that means no more Audrina/Lauren drama.

Happy Thanksgiving

Brant and I are hosting our first Thanksgiving tomorrow and I'm pretty pleased with my table. It's simple, but then again, that's what I like about it. Happy Thanksgiving to everyone!!!

I don't believe this

First off, it has to be said: I hope Heidi and Spencer are happy living the rest of their married lives together. Away from me. In a far away distant land with no paparazzi and fake photo ops. You know, just whatever. I don't even care about them. I hereby announce that for this post - and all future posts - that I will only devote one sentence to Speidi. So, let's begin!

A few months back the "scandalous" news of a Lauren and JBob hookup hit the gossip rags and it took everyone about half a second to realize that it was false. Why? Because we have eyes/noses and can see/smell why Lauren would never EVER want to hookup with JBob. He's disgusting. I mean, sure, he's made some changes. He's living a zen lifestyle and he's sober (maybe) and I think he's up to showering like 2 times a week, but still. It's just not happening. Too bad it took Audrina all episode and two ruined friendships to figure that out.

Not only did she ask Lauren and JBob repeatedly if they hooked up, but she didn't believe them when they told her no. Apparently a friend of Audrina's (Dino) told her that it happened, but it has been speculated that Audrina started the rumor herself to get more press. That would explain why she milked this rumor thing for the whole episode even when both parties involved vehemently denied the allegations. Uh, check that last sentence out. I could basically be a lawyer. I object!

In order to build her case (legal term), Audrina texted around a million people and told them the news. Such character witnesses as Broday, Frankie and She-Pratt! Oh yeah, that lineup will add credibility to your case. Overruled!

In addition to accusing both JBob and Lauren via phone calls and text messages, she also pays each one a face-to-face visit. Lauren's visit doesn't go well. Audrina's tone is very accusatory and she doesn't appreciate it. Then Lauren becomes a hostile witness (legal term) and Audrina storms out. OK, let's take a 30 minute recess. Geez, this lawyer stuff is hard.

Heidi has to work in a cubicle now! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!




Audrina's visit with JBob comes after she's sent him around 50 voicemails and texts and he finally meets up with her at a bar and agrees to plead his case. And we get to hear some evidence of her previous voicemails and it seems as if Audrina got a little mean on the phone. He's hurt by how she spoke to him. Obviously she was upset by the news, but what ever happened to innocent until proven guilty, Audrina? Did you even go to law school?!

So, now it seems that Audrina has lost both her best friend and her boyfriend. How will she get them back? She seems to feel that a meeting at a nightclub with Lauren could be the next step. And it might have worked...if she didn't ask Lauren AGAIN if the rumor was true or not!! Seriously. OK, and here is where things get messy. Lauren tells Audrina that she would never hook up with JBob because she thinks he is disgusting. I think her exact words were, "I would rather kill myself than hook up with him." Yikes. I was afraid that would happen. Clearly, Audrina is living in some kind of screwed up world where people like JBob are physically attractive to her, but I was not sure how she would respond to the news that others are repulsed by his presence. And now we find out, and it's not good. She gets defensive and lashes out at Lauren and tries to blame this whole thing on her. That's when Lauren says that Audrina is "way worse than Heidi." Ouch! Order in the court!

The way things are left after this episode makes me wonder how much more we'll be seeing of ol' Audrina. Oh well, good luck on the bar exam...you're gonna need it!

Next time: Nana Pratt visits! Maybe she can talk some sense into stupid Spencer. And Audrina attempts to rebuild her friendship with Lauren...again.

So I guess Heidi and LC aren't going to be friends again...

In the words of Julie Mannon, "I guess Hell froze over."

http://www.people.com/people/article/0,,20242463,00.html

The worst person in the world. Easy.

Tonight's episode opens with Lauren asking Whitney about her music man friend and Whitney says they have been in touch and, oh wait...that's right, this show is about Lauren and she interrupts her immediately and blurts out that Holly is staying with her since Heidi kicked her out. Phew! Cuz I was almost confused about whether I was watching The Hills or The City. Thanks for clarifying, LC. Anyway, Holly's staying with Lauren and I'm sure that Speidi are going to be mad. Let the drama ensue.

Audrina and JBob venture to his world, Venice Beach (aka land of the freaks). They plan a vaca to Mexico and sit on the beach. JBob gets very zen like and makes it an excuse for why he doesn't like to stay at Audrina's place.

Over at Speidi's house Spencer finds Heidi going through her ridonkulous wardrobe. She is trying to stay busy and since Spencer spends all day playing arcade games, he's unaware of the concept. They start to argue about how Spencer got Heidi fired and how "that wasn't the only thing he did." Heidi apparently doesn't know where Holly is? Really? Like she seriously kicked her out and that was it? Yikes. And Spencer makes some dumb comment about how he is so sad that he doesn't get to see Holly anymore. And see, that is the thing: how can she be with someone like that? I don't care who you are (Heidi or not), if someone says something like that about someone that you care about - friends, family, whatever - then that's it. You're done. Why even bother dealing with someone like that? In the oh-so-wise words of Mr. Brent Bolthouse, "You are the company you keep, Heidi." Think about it!

Party time with Lauren and Audrina! That was lame city. They just sat at the bar and didn't talk about anything interesting. Losers.

Horse-face sister is over at Audrina's place, which is already fully decorated. Horsey starts to question whether or not JBob is a good guy for only seeing Audrina when it's convenient for him. Hey listen, long-face, you have been on this show for like 3 minutes, so I don't really understand how you think you can skip past the blank stare phase of your contract and move right into the asking scripted questions portion. You aren't getting any more money, if that's what you're after. The economy just can't handle it right now.

Time for Heidi to beg for her job back! After some pretty mediocre grovelling Sam agrees to give her a temporary position because they are opening a new hotel. I don't know what she'll be doing exactly and they don't get into it because Sam basically pushes her out the door. Oh, but he does say that Spencer isn't welcome at any of his hotels or clubs or even streets that he's walking on. The kid sucks and Sam knows it and now he's blacklisted - booyah! So, I give it, what, maybe three episodes before Spencer screws it up for Heidi again? Actually, how many episodes until the finale? Yeah, I think that's about right.

The computer lab at FIDM is so futuristic! The computers sit on little floating tables perched on plastic beach chairs!

Over at the girls' place, Holly, Lauren and Lo dish about the terrible situation that Spencer has caused between Holly and Heidi. Lauren sticks up for Heidi because she knows first-hand that he's the one pulling the strings. Remember when Heidi thought that she and Lauren were possibly going to be friends again? Guess again, honey, Spencer would probably kill you first. Are they still selling those "I blame Spencer" t-shirts at gofugyourself?

Spencer is a tool. Direct quote, "To be honest, I'm really glad that you got your job back because now you won't be mopin' around here anymore." He is the worst person in the world. For once, Heidi actually seems annoyed at something he said, but she doesn't do anything about it. Grow a pair, Heidi!!!! She-Pratt arrives to break the news that Holly is crashing with Lauren and here comes the drama. I can't even bring myself to type the nonsense that spills out of Spencer's mouth, but just know that he's an idiot and tries to blame Heidi's Mom, Lauren, Holly AND Heidi before acknowledging that he could possibly be the problem. And when Heidi yells, "Maybe you're the problem!" it is sweet vindication. Finally, she said it. Finally!

Audrina and JBob head to dinner and afterward he pretends to find a mysterious present for Audrina under the table...and I will admit that it's kind of adorable. I know, I hate myself for thinking that. He gets her a t-shirt that she liked (went back and got it after they were at a shop together, which is even more adorable) and she's thrilled about it. He admits he can be good when he wants to be. Oh, JBob, you lovable rogue! Look at that smile!

That's it. The episode's over. Pretty lame. I guess some stuff happened, but it wasn't all that great. Next week: Audrina hears that Lauren hooks up with JBob! I remember hearing about this a while back and thinking, "There's no way in hell that's true!" But looks like Audrina may believe the rumors. And it looks like they get in a pretty nasty fight. Finally, some good drama! They don't pay me to recap crappy episodes like this! Ummm...yeah, they don't pay me at all, actually, so whatever.

What is up with your face?

This episode is titled, "Back to New York," and it's mostly about Whitney so maybe it will be semi-interesting.

We start off at People's Revolution - Kelly Cutrone has requested that Lauren and Whit head to NYC to help with a busy fashion show. The girls are pumped and Whitney admits that her and that model dude from NYC have texted a little bit since she met him. Ohhh, how romantical!

This reminds me to ask if anyone is going to watch Whitney's new spin off, "The City," when it starts? I love Whit, but it looks boring. Not like this crap is so riveting, though. But I think that someone else needs to do recaps. Who's up for it?!

Anywhoodle, the girls arrive in NYC where Kelly is bitching everyone up and immediately she asks them, "Where's your black?" As in, if you aren't wearing black clothes, you are fired. But not really...I'm sure it was just a warning. They are working a men's fashion week runway show tonight and Whit's "boy" is in it!

Oh god, this next scene is so uncomfortable I can barely bring myself to type about it. I'll make it brief, as in the only thing the models were wearing while the girls tried not to to giggle right in their faces! So awkward! Lauren crushes on some dude from TX who is really cute, although kinda odd. And Whit runs into her "boy" and watches him strip down. Uh, yeah, like I said, AWKWARD!

Back in LA, jobless Heidi pouts while applying a pound of makeup and Spencer is all, Why are you upset? Being unemployed is working out great for me! And Heidi is not amused at all by his comments. She is clearly really annoyed with herself and Spencer for letting things happen that night the way they did. And let this be a lesson to you all, idiocy is no way to get ahead in life.

Catwalk time! Ewww, weird...the boys look all gross with some weird bronzer applied to their cheekbones to make them look tan? stupid? either one, really. The TX model invites the girls to a party after the show. The girls seem excited, and Whit's "boy" looks very stalker-y. He'll probably go with them and lurch in the background or something.

At the party Whit is enthralled with the musician who's on stage, and it turns out that he's TX model's BFF and roommie! Ah-ha! A little double date action, perhaps? Ah, no...it would seem that TX model has a girlfriend, and so all his flirting was apparently just for show. That's stupid. But Whit could care less because she can't even blink long enough to stop staring at this guy on stage. Uh oh, "boy" has arrived! He's trying to get Whit to pay attention to him, but she blows him off because she is clearly way more interested in the music man. When music man is done with his show, he heads down to where his friends are and meets the Whit and Lauren and they act like school girls with huge crushes and stare at him with mouths agape like they've never seen someone so hot. I mean, he's cute, but a little too grungy for my taste.

Over in LA, Speidi go out to "celebrate" Heidi's first night off in forever and they run into Brent Bolthouse! What a coincidence! This stuff almost never happens in real life, but it always works out for MTV! They are so lucky! Spencer acts like he has to use the restroom so that he can go over and talk to Brent. He tries to apologize (legitimately) and BB is like, "Uh, I don't think we should be having this conversation. I don't even know you. It's making me a little uncomfortable." What?! Geez, Brent is a total wimp. I think he almost called his bodyguard on SPENCER PRATT. Wow. Anyway, I don't think Spencer did Heidi any favors with his little apology. And now they're banned from all SBE events. Whoops!

OMG. Whitney and the music man are totally hitting it off! She bought him a shot (!) and they are flirting and he invites her out afterward. Oh, Whitney, you tramp! Just kidding, she's being pretty silly about it. She goes over to Lauren and pretty much recreates the entire conversation that they just had and Lauren is the one encouraging her to be forward with him. "Boy" is visibly annoyed.

Well, well, well...back in LA Heidi decides it's her turn to make Brent feel uncomfortable and this time it's Brent who does all the talking. He lectures her about how "you are the company you keep" and how Spencer "is bad news" and says all the things that we wish everyone else on this damn TV show would yell in Heidi's face! And it doesn't seem to register with her. Surprise. Then she grovels for a job at Bolthouse, but he's not feelin' it so much. Shocker.

In NYC (the club they're at is called Il Bastardo), Whitney and the music man (did I mention he's Australian? Accents!!) are really hitting it off. "Boy" comes over and asks that Whit come over and talk to him for a minute and she says OK and then ends up leaving right away with the music man! Holy crap! Whit is taking the train to STD city!! Where's Lauren, btw? Whit just left her there! Yikes. And one of "boy's" friends has to explain to him that he just got served. He didn't even realize - or want to admit it - and that makes him even more lame. Looks like Whit has already burned bridges in The City! Way to go!

Next time: Holly moves in with Lauren, Heidi comes crawling back to Bolthouse begging for a job back, Speidi fight over their increasingly back familiar relationships and J.Bob's toothbrush moves into Audrina's fancy new bathroom. Ooohhh!

"A man so great he needed two names"

Cursed Lauren gets the news that Audrina is moving out! At the end of the week! Geez, that was fast. Lauren looks a little dejected and I can't blame her. She's 0 for 2 as far as roommies are concerned. And no, Lo doesn't count.

Stupid Heidi is doing some work thing. Looks like a big deal grand opening and she decides that adding Spencer, She-Pratt and Audrina to the guest list would be a good idea. This is why Heidi will never be more than an intern or whatever she is at Bolthouse. Not only did she NOT SHOW UP to the last big meeting with the owner, but now she's inviting her stupid boyfriend. I hope she really does get fired.

Whitney and Lauren talk about Audrina moving out for about 20 seconds. That scene was pointless.

Audrina goes out to dinner with J.Bob and basically asks him to move in with her in her new house. His response? "Hmmm...let it just happen and see what happens." And let's let truth and time tell all, Audrina. Don't fight it. In his defense, didn't they just become "official" last week?

We get the first look at Audrina's new house with her tatted-up sister Casey. Casey is a bit of a horse-face and she's rockin' some bright pink lipstick. Not the best. We really don't get to see any room in Audrina's new place except the kitchen, which is really nice. Way too nice for someone who will probably never cook in it. Jerk. But anyway, Audrina says that she wants to decorate "all romantic" with white curtains and candles. Um, that's a fire hazard. And J.Bob with his leather jackets and denim vests is going to look sorely out of place there. But it's her big plan to woo him again. Shhh, don't tell her that it probably won't work.

Lauren and Lo reminisce on the "good times" they had living with Audrina. The best they can come up with is giving Justin Bobby two names. Well, that was pretty special. Way to make time for those memories, ladies.

Over at the big Bolthouse shindig, Heidi assumes that her "work" at the event is over and decides to get a drink. Then Spencer, She-Pratt, Audrina, horse-face and J.Bob show up. They decide to toast the fact that Audrina is moving out as if Lauren is so terrible. Whatever. Heidi's had "three tequilas" and she's wasted. Then the head Bolthouse guy, Sam, comes over and asks if they're still working. BUSTED! Heidi is slurring her speech a little and trying to pretend like she's all serious worker-lady, but the man isn't an idiot. Too bad that Heidi took work friend down with her, though. Let that be a lesson to anyone who wants to be friends with Heidi. She will get you fired.

Oh yes, here comes the good stuff! OK, so first of all, Brent Bolthouse asks Kimberly (aka work friend) to come into his office and he asks if she was drinking last night. She says no, that she never would, out of respect to him. LAME! He's buys it, but then asks if Heidi was drinking and work friend doesn't say yes, but she doesn't say no. She's not going to sell out her friend (kinda). So, Brent asks to see Heidi and she admits to drinking and he's upset by that, but even more so that Spencer was there, because he thinks Spencer's a bad influence on her. And after telling her that he's had her back on several occasions, he says that he's disappointed in her and then he says, "I'm firing you." Oh man, how lame of a firing is that?! Can't you be a man and say "You're fired," Brent (P.S. nice hat)? Heidi takes it like a champ, doesn't cry, gets her bag and leaves. And scene. I can't wait until she breaks the news to Spencer!

It's finally moving day for Audrina! She and Lauren catch up while packing boxes. It's a tender moment. The girls get a little choked up when the moving van pulls away. But this time there's no evil boyfriend masterminding the entire situation, so I'm sure it will be fine. They'll stay friends. Or whatever. Who cares.

I didn't see a preview for next week's episode. How far into the season is it? It feels like this one's been on for 10 years already.

Is that a glittery bike helmut?

Oh hey, it's another week of Audrina's Love Life! Last time I checked, Audrina didn't have her own spin-off...yet. What could it be called...hmmmm. Maybe "The Are You Seriously Tuning In For This Trash?" Ok, ok, I might watch. I'm so pathetic. On to the recap!

Lauren and She-Pratt head to the LA version of NYC's Mood fabrics to "work on a school project" or something that the producers concocted. They're there for about 5 seconds before She-Pratt starts yelling at Lauren that she has a boyfriend. I think she just likes saying "I have a boyfriend" because this dude that she's seeing - Cameron - was total dullsville and I can't think of a good reason why anyone would be excited over him? The girls plan to meet up later so Lauren can meet Cam. There's only one problem: Broday will be there! Dun, dun, DUHNNN!!

Lauren and Broday hang out at her place by the pool. They talk about how Broday needs to be nice to She-Pratt when they go out and he acts all macho and says that if Cam tries to "step to him" he's gonna "show him what's up." Ha, actually, those words are totally mine, but someone's gotta add some drama to this show! Oh, and then Lauren pushes Broday in the pool and I get a good laugh. Nice one, LC!

Whee! It's the Australian guy! I don't recall his name, so I'll call him Aussie. Aussie and Audrina go out to dinner and he starts grilling her about the Cabo trip. See, I like this guy already because he doesn't mess around with casual conversation and compliments. Straight to business! Audrina tells him the truth, that it was a "guys weekend" and that she and Lauren shared a room but he doesn't buy it. I don't blame him, but since she's actually telling the truth it kinda sucks.

Time for the showdown at Crown Bar! Things get awkward pretty much immediately. Cam acts all tough before Broday shows up and after Lauren and Lo arrive (Lo with some prepster!) he claims that he wants to tell Broday that he "hates" him, but when Broday shows up he's like a puppy with a tail between his legs. All talk and no action, eh?!

What the eff is Brandy doing on The Hills?! Yes, R&B singer from 10 years ago, that Brandy, is at a recording studio and Audrina and Bangs are there to...help? Stare? Uh...make Brandy look better by comparison? Who knows, but Brandy is sinking to new lows by using The Hills to promote her new album. I expected better from you, B, I really did.

Justin shows up at Epic to talk to Audrina. He's decked out in a white flannel shirt, beanie cap and sleeveless denim vest. Let that image sink in before you read what's about to happen next. Got a good mental picture (see above)? Great, because apparently it really worked for Audrina since she fell for it and is gonna take him back. Maybe the line that did it was, "I'll pretty much always be there for you." Awww...wait, what? So close, J.Bob, almost had it. Almost. He comes through in the end with, "I want you to be with me," which is loads better than the other line, but still sounds a little bossy if you ask me.

Uggh! More Audrina! She and Bangs dissect the J.Bob situation and Bangs gives her some tough love. I can appreciate her honesty. It's better than when Lauren talks to Audrina and pretends to give her advice, but winds up just agreeing with everything Audrina says. Anyway, Audrina now has the tough job of telling Aussie that even though he's cute and nice and respectful and showers regularly and wears normal clothes and has a sweet accent, she's going with J.Bob. Good luck.

Wow, 15 minutes into the episode and we're only just now getting a glimpse of Speidi. And since the show is really only 20 minutes long after commercials and only 18 minutes long when you factor in staring time, that's pretty pathetic. Sorry, Speidi! They have lunch with She-Pratt and it's the most boring two minutes of the episode so I refuse to recap it.

Alright, listen, if that floozy Audrina really does get her own spinoff, I will be SO pissed! She just dumped a great guy for JUSTIN-BOBBY! She is a LOSER. If anyone is getting their own reality show, it should be Aussie guy! Can't MTV just do a "Bachelor" type spinoff and try and find him a date? Not that he needs the help, but this is definitely sadder than anything else I've seen on The Hills. Audrina is dead to me.

Next week: Audrina moves out to get a place with J.Bob, Lauren watches another girl drive away with her boyfriend, and Heidi gets fired?! Maybe. It was hard to tell what Brent "Mumbles" Bolthouse said, but I think that's it. Oh, and I'll be referring to Audrina as "The Idiot."

The Hills: The Lost Scenes

Do you guys remember when watching The Hills wasn't the mind-numbingly painful experience it is today? Back in the first season when they weren't famous and actually had real conversations? Well, watching The Hills: The Lost Scenes is like a trip down memory lane! It's an hour of Lauren and the gang actually talking - not staring - about all kinds of stupid things that normal people talk about. I have to imaging that when we see an episode of The Hills and it's close to 10% stare-face action, that we're missing some great dialogue between Lauren and Audrina or even Speidi. Why is it being cut? This is reality show gold! If given the choice of watching an episode of The Hills or watching all the footage from the cutting room floor of that episode? Easy - cutting room floor. Without a doubt, that stuff is way more entertaining than the "drama" that they manufacture on the show these days.

Watch it!

Saddle up, Y'all!

I can hardly stop laughing long enough to challenge you to come up with a better headline!

Are you kidding me with this?

Cabo! On Doug's private jet no less. They all suck. Doug's wearing a v-neck tank top and looks like an idiot...there, that's basically enough to set the scene. Oh, and Justin and Audrina are both in Cabo which might lead to some awkwardness!

Mmmm, the beach. I need a vacation. These jerks are acting like they've never been to the beach before. Audrina and Lauren are frolicking out in the sand. Uh, you live in LA! Can't you take a scooter to the beach every day? Whatever. The boys are gossiping about Audrina's boyfriend, Cory, in the hot tub. Frankie is a total blabbermouth. Pretty sure he wasn't supposed to mention the word "boyfriend" to J.Bob. Great, there goes the weekend!

Back in the real world (ha!) Heidi and She-Pratt go shopping. S-P is wearing knee high BLACK socks and Chuck Taylor's. Taking fashion advice from Heidi, it seems. She starts bragging about how she has a new boyfriend and that none of her other friends are in town. So Heidi invites them over for a double date! Perfect!

Cabo: Audrina and Justin sit next to each other at dinner and it's a little weird. They aren't together, but they're sort of there together, and anyway, Justin is probably going to hook up with someone else. In bromance news, Frankie makes a birthday toast to Broday and he almost cries. Then they all do shots. Ugh. OK, and I have TWO tank top sightings. Not cool Doug and Broday. I think that's all Doug wears (see photo above).

Doug's present to Broday is less femme - a hoarde of single girls. They parade down to the dinner table and then off to the beach. Then Lauren and Audrina (who had previously been the only 2 girls) act like they're superior and try and sort out the J.Bob dilemma. Uh, he's a loser? Cased closed. Now I really deserve a shot.

In what is obviously the best montage MTV has ever made, the pool party begins and drunken co-eds begin to party down! Happy birthday, Broday, you jackass.

Time for the double date. She-Pratt and Cameron are 30+ minutes late, but at least they aren't at Don Antionio's. Spencer is evil, as always. He brings up Doug! But Cameron takes it all in stride, I guess. Apparently though, Cameron knew Broday way back when and Spencer's none too pleased about this!

In a total junior high move, J.Bob steals a flower scrunchie that Cory had given to Audrina and won't give it back. But I'm pretty sure that Audrina shot it over to him, so she deserves what she gets. And the antics continue the next morning when they have another confrontation about how Audrina ditched J.Bob for Cory. He still won't give her the flower back and she's pouting. I can't believe I just typed that. This is the sh*ttiest episode ever. I mean, did you see the jean cut-offs!?

She-Pratt and Spencer have words over his crappy behavior at the date last night. Get this, S-P went and found him where he was working out! Oh man, what a set up that was! He was wearing a shirt without an ounce of sweat on it and all we see is him running down some stairs. It's like, "Cue Spencer, down stairs, and ACTION!" He really shows his acting chops when he stretches during the conversation. Nice. Really convincing portrayal.

Over at Cabo Jr. High, Guidance Counselor Lauren is talking to Audrina about letting Justin go. Wise words, from Ms. I Have No Luck With Men.

Next time: I can hardly bring myself to type the words... Audrina. Goes back. To Justin. Shoot me now.

WTH?

Julie had a great idea regarding this picture...she said we should see who can come up with the best headline....I'd start, but I'm still at a loss for words. This outfit is just plain awful.

"Judged!"

This week we delve into the love life of Audrina. I can hardly contain my excitement. Supposedly she's dating some new Australian guy named Cory. And yet she still talks about Justin Bobby as if he is the Gold Standard of boyfriends. Nutzo!

Spencer decides to break the Cone of Silence with She-Pratt and call her up for an emergency bitch session. Sadly, I don't think She-Pratt even cares that he's using her to have someone listen to his problems. That's sad on several levels, least of which is that she actually accepts his offer just to spend time with him. I'll never understand those Pratts. Thank god.

Over at People's Revolution the girls dish about Audrina's love life while holding clipboards. It's very professional. They are both on Team Cory and J.Bob is gonna lose his sh*t when he watches this ep! I wonder if any of the "cast members" of The Hills actually watch the show? Except for Speidi. I'm sure they Tivo it and own all the DVDs (post-surgery, of course).

Hehehe...Australian's talk funny. Audrina's date with Cory goes well, they talk about their relationship status' and some other crap. Who knows what he's saying, but it must have been the right things because the next thing we know it's morning and Cory and Audrina exit the Guest House to grab some cereal in the Big Girl House. Lauren enters the kitchen and does a quick double take, but she obviously approves of Cory so she invites him not only to Malibu (where they're heading that afternoon) but also to Cabo (where they're heading in a couple of weeks for Broday's birthday). Geez! Slow down, Lauren! She probably just wants him to go so she can listen to him talk about the weather. "It's summah tyhme." Oooh, dreamy.

Spencer tries to convince Heidi that Holly should move out. He puts down an ultimatum: either she moves out or he does. Oh, snap!

Whitney and Carmen Sandiego sit around the pool talking about how awesome Cory is and then Frankie and Doug have to come up and ruin it by saying that they're going to invite J.Bob to hang out. The really interesting thing is that Frankie says, "He's our boy and we hang out with him like every day." Uh, what? Wait, Justin Bobby? No...It can't be...Really? I am shocked. They NEVER show the guys hanging out together. Of course, if they'd only air Bromance already I'm sure I'd get an idea of what that's like. Anyway, turns out that Frankie and the gang invited J.Bob to Cabo so Audrina's gonna have to figure out how to juggle two guys!

Heidi confronts Holly about the living situation. Holly seems upset that Spencer is making Heidi choose between both of them, but I imagine that she'll cave and move out. Trouble is, she doesn't have a job and so that means the only place she can afford to live is...oh right, nowhere. Maybe she'll move in with Lauren?

Oh no. Justin Bobby is baaack. Complete with leather jacket at the pool. I tell ya he's one in a million. He tells Audrina that if she ditches her top he'll get in the pool. She does it. Because she has low self-esteem. And he comes through on his promise and goes into the pool COMPLETELY NAKED. I bet MTV wasn't expecting anyone like him when they started filming The Hills! She lets down her guard for a split second and tells him that she is excited for Cabo and he says something like, "When we go to Cabo I'm gonna get in trouble." AKA, "I will probably hook up with someone else!" Audrina should bring Cory and shove it in J.Bob's face! Audrina and J.Bob status is still unknown.

Someone needs to scrub down the pool!

Next time: Cabo!

PS. The title of this week's post is a direct quote from Eric after he saw me writing this recap. Not only was it a commentary on how he feels about me writing a blog post about The Hills, but I also thought it was fitting for an episode about Audrina's love life. Ha, burn!

What I'm Enjoying

A show about an incredibly perceptive guy who uses his hunches to help police solve crimes. I bet you think I'm just a little late catching up to the great show that is Psych, right? Well, give me some credit here. This blog was founded on the love of all things TV, so you can rest assured that I watch Psych. Anyway, there is a new show on CBS called The Mentalist and it's actually pretty entertaining. I'm loving Simon Baker as Patrick Jane, the former fake psychic who now uses his skills to catch criminals. It's fun and witty, but not quite as light-hearted as Psych. If you were thinking about adding a new show to your line-up this season, check it out.

By the way I'm only two episodes in, so if the show tanks I'm not taking responsibility for this post.

Bitter, Table for Two!

In the aftermath of Momma Montag's cry-fest and rampage against Spencer, we find that Holly has decided to hang out with Lauren. Let Step Two in plan "Get Heidi Away from Spencer and Back with Lauren" begin!

Audrina and Bangs go get some coffee and dish about Audrina's date with some guy named Colin. NOT Justin-Bobby! That scene lasts about 15 seconds because this story-line is boorrrring.

Holly and Heidi head out for an alfresco coffee and Holly mentions that Lauren is really happy and maybe "misses her." Hmmm...maybe you aren't putting those two things together quite right? Heidi starts a sob story about how Lauren wasn't the only one hurt when their friendship ended and Holly suggests that maybe Lauren needs to be reminded of that with a heartfelt letter. Awwww...eehhhccchhhk. Pardon my gagging.

Date time with Audrina and Colin! They're talking about music and her job and it's really boring. And then they start to down some drinks and Colin admits that he's the "happiest drunk you'll ever meet" and Audrina's all, "well Justin always gets in fights when he drinks." Colin is unfazed and brings it back to his game and then tells her she has beautiful eyes. Smooth move. Better than anything J.Bob has ever said to her. Colin could have said, "uh, I like your...uh, cell phone" and Audrina probably would've thought he'd just proposed, she's so starved for romance.

Time for Holly and Lauren to reconnect at S Bar. I'll be honest, Holly seems pretty nice and she reminds me of Heidi before all the plastinization of the facial area. Lauren is genuinely laughing recounting their days when they lived in the same room. And then Lo goes and ruins the mood with a, "you remind me so much of Heidi!" Looks like Holly's gonna have to work extra hard to win back Lauren for Heidi!

Lauren and Whitney get to "work" at People's Revolution. And by that I mean read the letter from Heidi! OH SNAP! What?! She totally wrote Lauren and old-fashioned letter on personalized Heidiwood stationery (OK, I don't know for a fact, but it's probably true)! The letter says that she's sorry for everything she's said and that she takes responsibility and that she was hurt in the ordeal, too. So, will Lauren believe that she's sincere? Lauren thinks that Heidi must be feeling lonely now that Holly's back and hanging out with Lauren and that Heidi's trying to reconnect. But she also can't believe that Heidi won't just blame Spencer. Because at the heart of this entire conflict is the fact that Lauren is mad at Spencer, not Heidi. But Heidi has always defended Spencer and made it seem as if she was in cahoots with him.

Whoa! Second date with Audrina and Colin! The only part MTV airs is a discussion of whether or not Audrina and J.Bob are together or not. Wow, riveting. He's dunzo for sure.

Holly heads over to casa Lauren and they talk about the letter from Heidi. Lauren says that if Heidi just wants forgiveness, that she gave it to her a long time ago. It's not about that anymore. Then Lauren asks if Heidi has any good friends and Holly admits that Heidi only has her. Lauren seems pretty sympathetic, but then she says that it's not about her, and if it weren't for Spencer they could probably be friends again. Holly perks up at this information and repeats what Lauren says, as if getting an official verbal contract to send to Heidi like, "hey, dump his ass and she'll take you back!"

Lauren and Audrina have a heart-to-heart and Audrina breaks the news that she's dumping Colin for J.Bob, even though he hasn't done anything to make her want to keep him, other than still being in the back of her head. Lauren suggests that she tell J.Bob that she's been dating other guys and see what he says. Then Lauren fills Audrina in on the Heidi gossip and Lauren ponders what everyone would be doing if Heidi had never met Spencer. And by "met" I'm sure she means, "been bamboozled into thinking that he wanted to get to know her when in actuality he just wanted to get on TV." Yeah, I wonder...

Audrina heads out with J.Bob to tell him about the date she went on and he acts as if he could care less. He asks if Colin was "nice" and calls her "dude" like they're just drinkin' buddies. Then she calls him out for supposedly dating other women and then he starts talking about some ridiculous mess that reminds me of that time when he said "let's let truth and time tell all." He's a zen-master, I tell ya.

Time for Holly to start Step Three in plan "Get Heidi Away from Spencer and Back with Lauren." Step Three is simple. Lie. Through your teeth. Tell Heidi how much Lauren misses her and how much she wants them to be friends again. Huh, that's funny, I sure don't remember Lauren ever saying anything like that during their conversations. Weird. Anyway, Step Three is in full effect! Heidi admits that if Lauren were to come up to her and say that she would like to be friends again, that she'd probably say, "yeah, that's cool, whatever, call me later." When we all know that she'd run up and hug her and never let her go again because she misses her so much that it hurts!! And that's when Spencer saunters in, because he's obviously been listening in on their conversation (oh, he's the greatest guy, for reals) and asks Heidi, "WTF?" Holly tells Heidi that Spencer is the only thing standing in the way of her and Lauren being friends again and Spencer is thrilled with this news! As long as he is with Heidi, then there's no Lauren. I mean, it's like his lucky day. But Holly sees another challenge because if she can accomplish plan "Get Heidi Away from Spencer and Back with Lauren" then she'll be rid of that evil Chester Cheetah for good! Good luck brave warrior. Good luck!

Next time on The Hills...Audrina sluts it up and Heidi probably pouts about something. Is anyone else enjoying this season as much as I am?!

PS. I totally stole the title for this post from Kristin Chenoweth's bit at the Emmy Awards. I'll give credit where credit is due...I thought it was a great line!

New header

As you can see, I put up a new header over the weekend. I also changed our tag line, because although it's true that we do have something to say about everything, we often don't get around to saying it on the blog. Oh well, no biggie. I think that the new tag line is more representative of what the blog has become. It was either that or "We hope you like The Hills!"

Oh no you didn't

We start at the gym with Lauren and Whitney, working out with the personal trainer Whitney went out with last season. Awkward! Lauren's working the punching gloves with her trainer and Whit asks if she missed anything while she was gone in Italy. Oh geez, again with the She-Pratt/Doug business. Even the trainer has an opinion of the situation. And - surprise! - it's the same as everyone else's opinion: She-Pratt sucks. Even Spencer knew that it was shady.

Time for confrontation at FIDM: Lauren plays mute when She-Pratt prances over to ask how she's doing. Really, She-Pratt? You think that she still doesn't know? When Lauren calls her out with a blunt, "What are you doing?" She-Pratt has the balls to blame Doug 100% for "using [her] to get back at [Lauren]." She can't even look at Lauren while she lies. She swears that she won't call him back and deleted him from her phone. And THEN! She immediately asks, "Are you going to his party tomorrow?" She's officially the dumbest person ever. She not only just denied wanting to go out with Doug, she also lied about deleting him from her phone and ever calling him again and then? She wants to know if Lauren will be attending the party that he's throwing the next evening. Cuz don't worry, She-Pratt will totally be there. Wait, what? She was invited "weeks ago before [She-Pratt] was even friends with him." Riiiight. Lauren seems as confused as I am and yet she just stares ahead instead of slapping her upside the head like any normal person would have done. Lauren, I hope you read these posts and take notes. Stupid people deserve head slaps. And you're going to be dishing out plenty of 'em.

Oh god, that's not even the best part of the episode because Momma Montag (MM) is visiting!! Supposedly it's a surprise for Heidi's bday, but if that's Heidi's best acting then homegirl is hopeless. I don't even care because MM is the only person who will tell Spencer to shut the hell up. Can't wait! Uh-oh, time to break the news that Spencer has moved back in - yikes. MM is not pleased. It seems as if Holly spilled the beans earlier to MM, but that doesn't prevent a little tiff not 30 seconds after MM walks in the door. And Spencer is just sitting on the couch, smiling, acting as if this whole thing is Heidi's fault. He's the worst. MM and Spencer set a date for lunch to get to know each other. I have a feeling that MM is getting the raw end of that deal.

Well, look-ee, look-ee - who's out to dinner with Doug? It couldn't be She-Pratt. No, because she deleted him from her phone. You mean she was LYING?! What next, will you tell me that this entire show is staged? She-Doug scheme about ways to fool everyone into thinking that they're "just friends." Crazy kids. Crazy, delusional, kids.

Over at People's Revolution, the girls pretend to "style jeans" as they talk about She-Doug. Whit's coming to the party and Lauren guarantees that she'll "hate him." She's probably right.

This next scene is right outta Laguna Beach (first season!) when the boys would get together to play pick up basketball and during "half time" or whatever one of them would be all, "dude, who are you gonna ask to prom?" And the other dudes would be like, "uh, yeah, i dunno, maybe Lo." And they would have a good laugh about nothing really, but the obligatory "Boys Talk about Prom Scene" was filmed and they could move on to another "Girls Talk Sh*t about Each Other Behind Their Backs Scene." In other words, it was refreshingly scripted. So here we go:

The scene: Doug's house (back porch overlooking the Hollywood Hills)

The players: Doug and Broday and Doug's cell phone

The drama: Broday accuses Doug of shadiness with She-Pratt; Doug denies it, blames her; Broday asks if they're coming to the party; Doug says yes; Doug asks Broday not to make anyone cry. *Laughter*

And scene. Thanks, fellas.

Time for the MM/Spencer lunch date! I don't know if I can accurately explain how incredibly rude Spencer is to MM. He turns everything she says and flips it back onto her to make it seem like she's an idiot and he's the smartest person ever. MM says that she thinks he's "very controlling and manipulative" and he responds with, "oh, is that what you think, from Crested Butte?" Now, granted, CB ain't the hottest spot on the map, but I think CBees can still look at a peace of sh*t and know that it's a piece of sh*t. It's not that hard to figured out that Spencer's a jerk and thankfully MM has the stones to say it straight to his face! I LOVE her!

Time for the party at Doug's house! All the usual suspects: Broday, Frankie, Audrina, JBOB (!), Lo, Lauren, she-Pratt - *gasp!* Oh NO! Quote of the episode: Lauren (while looking at Broday, Doug and Frankie): "You know what's really gross? I've kissed two outta three of those...that's awful." Yes, yes it is. Whoa - Jenn Bunney sighting! Where has she been this year? Oh, that's right, I don't care.

Alright, I know there are some people who don't watch the episode and only read the recaps (Kari), but trust me, the scene when Whitney and Lauren are totally soaked by Doug's cannonball is something that you have to see for yourselves. Fast forward to 20 minutes into the episode. Seriously. It's awesome. Because afterwards when Doug is semi-apologizing to Whitney, she says, "That's OK, I don't even know you...and I don't want to." HAHA! Yes, take that DOUG!

Poor She-Pratt's all alone texting to fake numbers, when Broday wanders over to start something. He calls her out for trying to date Doug and she denies it. Blah, blah, blah. Whitney and Lauren watch from afar and Lauren's pretty much over it. She's not pissed, just ambivalent to the fact that She-Pratt is exactly what Broday said she was: CAH-RAZAY!

Mother/daughter bonding time turns into a bitch-fest about Spencer pretty quick at Heidi and MM's lunch. MM tells Heidi that Spencer was rude and sarcastic to her and Heidi shakes it off. MM is sad that they aren't close anymore and then MM breaks out the tears. Heidi is stone-faced. Not that she could move, given that her face is about 92% plastic, but still, that's cold!

Final scene: back at Doug's house. She-Pratt is pining away for Doug in his room while Doug, Broday, Frankie, Lauren and Lo talk about the She-Doug thing. Doug spends close to 5 minutes explaining that he felt sorry for She-Pratt and wanted to help her because she was a "lost little puppy" and the best part: She-Pratt can totally hear every word that they are saying. So, she starts to cry and Lauren gets fed up with Doug and finds She-Pratt alone in his room and begins to wipe her tears. She has forgiven her yet AGAIN even when there's no justifiable reason for her to do so. But just when Lauren has said, "what you did sucks, but it's done," She-Pratt starts to blame Doug and lie about what she did and Lauren looks at her and shrugs like, really? You couldn't just leave it alone? See what I was saying about her being the dumbest person ever?

This recap was ridiculously long, but the episode was really good! Hope everyone liked it!

Next time: Audrina goes on a date - but NOT with JBob! Heidi gets sentimental about the past and sends Lauren an email. Everyone gangs up on Spencer for ruining their friendship!!