Is that a glittery bike helmut?

Oh hey, it's another week of Audrina's Love Life! Last time I checked, Audrina didn't have her own spin-off...yet. What could it be called...hmmmm. Maybe "The Are You Seriously Tuning In For This Trash?" Ok, ok, I might watch. I'm so pathetic. On to the recap!

Lauren and She-Pratt head to the LA version of NYC's Mood fabrics to "work on a school project" or something that the producers concocted. They're there for about 5 seconds before She-Pratt starts yelling at Lauren that she has a boyfriend. I think she just likes saying "I have a boyfriend" because this dude that she's seeing - Cameron - was total dullsville and I can't think of a good reason why anyone would be excited over him? The girls plan to meet up later so Lauren can meet Cam. There's only one problem: Broday will be there! Dun, dun, DUHNNN!!

Lauren and Broday hang out at her place by the pool. They talk about how Broday needs to be nice to She-Pratt when they go out and he acts all macho and says that if Cam tries to "step to him" he's gonna "show him what's up." Ha, actually, those words are totally mine, but someone's gotta add some drama to this show! Oh, and then Lauren pushes Broday in the pool and I get a good laugh. Nice one, LC!

Whee! It's the Australian guy! I don't recall his name, so I'll call him Aussie. Aussie and Audrina go out to dinner and he starts grilling her about the Cabo trip. See, I like this guy already because he doesn't mess around with casual conversation and compliments. Straight to business! Audrina tells him the truth, that it was a "guys weekend" and that she and Lauren shared a room but he doesn't buy it. I don't blame him, but since she's actually telling the truth it kinda sucks.

Time for the showdown at Crown Bar! Things get awkward pretty much immediately. Cam acts all tough before Broday shows up and after Lauren and Lo arrive (Lo with some prepster!) he claims that he wants to tell Broday that he "hates" him, but when Broday shows up he's like a puppy with a tail between his legs. All talk and no action, eh?!

What the eff is Brandy doing on The Hills?! Yes, R&B singer from 10 years ago, that Brandy, is at a recording studio and Audrina and Bangs are there to...help? Stare? Uh...make Brandy look better by comparison? Who knows, but Brandy is sinking to new lows by using The Hills to promote her new album. I expected better from you, B, I really did.

Justin shows up at Epic to talk to Audrina. He's decked out in a white flannel shirt, beanie cap and sleeveless denim vest. Let that image sink in before you read what's about to happen next. Got a good mental picture (see above)? Great, because apparently it really worked for Audrina since she fell for it and is gonna take him back. Maybe the line that did it was, "I'll pretty much always be there for you." Awww...wait, what? So close, J.Bob, almost had it. Almost. He comes through in the end with, "I want you to be with me," which is loads better than the other line, but still sounds a little bossy if you ask me.

Uggh! More Audrina! She and Bangs dissect the J.Bob situation and Bangs gives her some tough love. I can appreciate her honesty. It's better than when Lauren talks to Audrina and pretends to give her advice, but winds up just agreeing with everything Audrina says. Anyway, Audrina now has the tough job of telling Aussie that even though he's cute and nice and respectful and showers regularly and wears normal clothes and has a sweet accent, she's going with J.Bob. Good luck.

Wow, 15 minutes into the episode and we're only just now getting a glimpse of Speidi. And since the show is really only 20 minutes long after commercials and only 18 minutes long when you factor in staring time, that's pretty pathetic. Sorry, Speidi! They have lunch with She-Pratt and it's the most boring two minutes of the episode so I refuse to recap it.

Alright, listen, if that floozy Audrina really does get her own spinoff, I will be SO pissed! She just dumped a great guy for JUSTIN-BOBBY! She is a LOSER. If anyone is getting their own reality show, it should be Aussie guy! Can't MTV just do a "Bachelor" type spinoff and try and find him a date? Not that he needs the help, but this is definitely sadder than anything else I've seen on The Hills. Audrina is dead to me.

Next week: Audrina moves out to get a place with J.Bob, Lauren watches another girl drive away with her boyfriend, and Heidi gets fired?! Maybe. It was hard to tell what Brent "Mumbles" Bolthouse said, but I think that's it. Oh, and I'll be referring to Audrina as "The Idiot."

The Hills: The Lost Scenes

Do you guys remember when watching The Hills wasn't the mind-numbingly painful experience it is today? Back in the first season when they weren't famous and actually had real conversations? Well, watching The Hills: The Lost Scenes is like a trip down memory lane! It's an hour of Lauren and the gang actually talking - not staring - about all kinds of stupid things that normal people talk about. I have to imaging that when we see an episode of The Hills and it's close to 10% stare-face action, that we're missing some great dialogue between Lauren and Audrina or even Speidi. Why is it being cut? This is reality show gold! If given the choice of watching an episode of The Hills or watching all the footage from the cutting room floor of that episode? Easy - cutting room floor. Without a doubt, that stuff is way more entertaining than the "drama" that they manufacture on the show these days.

Watch it!

Saddle up, Y'all!

I can hardly stop laughing long enough to challenge you to come up with a better headline!

Are you kidding me with this?

Cabo! On Doug's private jet no less. They all suck. Doug's wearing a v-neck tank top and looks like an idiot...there, that's basically enough to set the scene. Oh, and Justin and Audrina are both in Cabo which might lead to some awkwardness!

Mmmm, the beach. I need a vacation. These jerks are acting like they've never been to the beach before. Audrina and Lauren are frolicking out in the sand. Uh, you live in LA! Can't you take a scooter to the beach every day? Whatever. The boys are gossiping about Audrina's boyfriend, Cory, in the hot tub. Frankie is a total blabbermouth. Pretty sure he wasn't supposed to mention the word "boyfriend" to J.Bob. Great, there goes the weekend!

Back in the real world (ha!) Heidi and She-Pratt go shopping. S-P is wearing knee high BLACK socks and Chuck Taylor's. Taking fashion advice from Heidi, it seems. She starts bragging about how she has a new boyfriend and that none of her other friends are in town. So Heidi invites them over for a double date! Perfect!

Cabo: Audrina and Justin sit next to each other at dinner and it's a little weird. They aren't together, but they're sort of there together, and anyway, Justin is probably going to hook up with someone else. In bromance news, Frankie makes a birthday toast to Broday and he almost cries. Then they all do shots. Ugh. OK, and I have TWO tank top sightings. Not cool Doug and Broday. I think that's all Doug wears (see photo above).

Doug's present to Broday is less femme - a hoarde of single girls. They parade down to the dinner table and then off to the beach. Then Lauren and Audrina (who had previously been the only 2 girls) act like they're superior and try and sort out the J.Bob dilemma. Uh, he's a loser? Cased closed. Now I really deserve a shot.

In what is obviously the best montage MTV has ever made, the pool party begins and drunken co-eds begin to party down! Happy birthday, Broday, you jackass.

Time for the double date. She-Pratt and Cameron are 30+ minutes late, but at least they aren't at Don Antionio's. Spencer is evil, as always. He brings up Doug! But Cameron takes it all in stride, I guess. Apparently though, Cameron knew Broday way back when and Spencer's none too pleased about this!

In a total junior high move, J.Bob steals a flower scrunchie that Cory had given to Audrina and won't give it back. But I'm pretty sure that Audrina shot it over to him, so she deserves what she gets. And the antics continue the next morning when they have another confrontation about how Audrina ditched J.Bob for Cory. He still won't give her the flower back and she's pouting. I can't believe I just typed that. This is the sh*ttiest episode ever. I mean, did you see the jean cut-offs!?

She-Pratt and Spencer have words over his crappy behavior at the date last night. Get this, S-P went and found him where he was working out! Oh man, what a set up that was! He was wearing a shirt without an ounce of sweat on it and all we see is him running down some stairs. It's like, "Cue Spencer, down stairs, and ACTION!" He really shows his acting chops when he stretches during the conversation. Nice. Really convincing portrayal.

Over at Cabo Jr. High, Guidance Counselor Lauren is talking to Audrina about letting Justin go. Wise words, from Ms. I Have No Luck With Men.

Next time: I can hardly bring myself to type the words... Audrina. Goes back. To Justin. Shoot me now.

WTH?

Julie had a great idea regarding this picture...she said we should see who can come up with the best headline....I'd start, but I'm still at a loss for words. This outfit is just plain awful.

"Judged!"

This week we delve into the love life of Audrina. I can hardly contain my excitement. Supposedly she's dating some new Australian guy named Cory. And yet she still talks about Justin Bobby as if he is the Gold Standard of boyfriends. Nutzo!

Spencer decides to break the Cone of Silence with She-Pratt and call her up for an emergency bitch session. Sadly, I don't think She-Pratt even cares that he's using her to have someone listen to his problems. That's sad on several levels, least of which is that she actually accepts his offer just to spend time with him. I'll never understand those Pratts. Thank god.

Over at People's Revolution the girls dish about Audrina's love life while holding clipboards. It's very professional. They are both on Team Cory and J.Bob is gonna lose his sh*t when he watches this ep! I wonder if any of the "cast members" of The Hills actually watch the show? Except for Speidi. I'm sure they Tivo it and own all the DVDs (post-surgery, of course).

Hehehe...Australian's talk funny. Audrina's date with Cory goes well, they talk about their relationship status' and some other crap. Who knows what he's saying, but it must have been the right things because the next thing we know it's morning and Cory and Audrina exit the Guest House to grab some cereal in the Big Girl House. Lauren enters the kitchen and does a quick double take, but she obviously approves of Cory so she invites him not only to Malibu (where they're heading that afternoon) but also to Cabo (where they're heading in a couple of weeks for Broday's birthday). Geez! Slow down, Lauren! She probably just wants him to go so she can listen to him talk about the weather. "It's summah tyhme." Oooh, dreamy.

Spencer tries to convince Heidi that Holly should move out. He puts down an ultimatum: either she moves out or he does. Oh, snap!

Whitney and Carmen Sandiego sit around the pool talking about how awesome Cory is and then Frankie and Doug have to come up and ruin it by saying that they're going to invite J.Bob to hang out. The really interesting thing is that Frankie says, "He's our boy and we hang out with him like every day." Uh, what? Wait, Justin Bobby? No...It can't be...Really? I am shocked. They NEVER show the guys hanging out together. Of course, if they'd only air Bromance already I'm sure I'd get an idea of what that's like. Anyway, turns out that Frankie and the gang invited J.Bob to Cabo so Audrina's gonna have to figure out how to juggle two guys!

Heidi confronts Holly about the living situation. Holly seems upset that Spencer is making Heidi choose between both of them, but I imagine that she'll cave and move out. Trouble is, she doesn't have a job and so that means the only place she can afford to live is...oh right, nowhere. Maybe she'll move in with Lauren?

Oh no. Justin Bobby is baaack. Complete with leather jacket at the pool. I tell ya he's one in a million. He tells Audrina that if she ditches her top he'll get in the pool. She does it. Because she has low self-esteem. And he comes through on his promise and goes into the pool COMPLETELY NAKED. I bet MTV wasn't expecting anyone like him when they started filming The Hills! She lets down her guard for a split second and tells him that she is excited for Cabo and he says something like, "When we go to Cabo I'm gonna get in trouble." AKA, "I will probably hook up with someone else!" Audrina should bring Cory and shove it in J.Bob's face! Audrina and J.Bob status is still unknown.

Someone needs to scrub down the pool!

Next time: Cabo!

PS. The title of this week's post is a direct quote from Eric after he saw me writing this recap. Not only was it a commentary on how he feels about me writing a blog post about The Hills, but I also thought it was fitting for an episode about Audrina's love life. Ha, burn!

What I'm Enjoying

A show about an incredibly perceptive guy who uses his hunches to help police solve crimes. I bet you think I'm just a little late catching up to the great show that is Psych, right? Well, give me some credit here. This blog was founded on the love of all things TV, so you can rest assured that I watch Psych. Anyway, there is a new show on CBS called The Mentalist and it's actually pretty entertaining. I'm loving Simon Baker as Patrick Jane, the former fake psychic who now uses his skills to catch criminals. It's fun and witty, but not quite as light-hearted as Psych. If you were thinking about adding a new show to your line-up this season, check it out.

By the way I'm only two episodes in, so if the show tanks I'm not taking responsibility for this post.

Bitter, Table for Two!

In the aftermath of Momma Montag's cry-fest and rampage against Spencer, we find that Holly has decided to hang out with Lauren. Let Step Two in plan "Get Heidi Away from Spencer and Back with Lauren" begin!

Audrina and Bangs go get some coffee and dish about Audrina's date with some guy named Colin. NOT Justin-Bobby! That scene lasts about 15 seconds because this story-line is boorrrring.

Holly and Heidi head out for an alfresco coffee and Holly mentions that Lauren is really happy and maybe "misses her." Hmmm...maybe you aren't putting those two things together quite right? Heidi starts a sob story about how Lauren wasn't the only one hurt when their friendship ended and Holly suggests that maybe Lauren needs to be reminded of that with a heartfelt letter. Awwww...eehhhccchhhk. Pardon my gagging.

Date time with Audrina and Colin! They're talking about music and her job and it's really boring. And then they start to down some drinks and Colin admits that he's the "happiest drunk you'll ever meet" and Audrina's all, "well Justin always gets in fights when he drinks." Colin is unfazed and brings it back to his game and then tells her she has beautiful eyes. Smooth move. Better than anything J.Bob has ever said to her. Colin could have said, "uh, I like your...uh, cell phone" and Audrina probably would've thought he'd just proposed, she's so starved for romance.

Time for Holly and Lauren to reconnect at S Bar. I'll be honest, Holly seems pretty nice and she reminds me of Heidi before all the plastinization of the facial area. Lauren is genuinely laughing recounting their days when they lived in the same room. And then Lo goes and ruins the mood with a, "you remind me so much of Heidi!" Looks like Holly's gonna have to work extra hard to win back Lauren for Heidi!

Lauren and Whitney get to "work" at People's Revolution. And by that I mean read the letter from Heidi! OH SNAP! What?! She totally wrote Lauren and old-fashioned letter on personalized Heidiwood stationery (OK, I don't know for a fact, but it's probably true)! The letter says that she's sorry for everything she's said and that she takes responsibility and that she was hurt in the ordeal, too. So, will Lauren believe that she's sincere? Lauren thinks that Heidi must be feeling lonely now that Holly's back and hanging out with Lauren and that Heidi's trying to reconnect. But she also can't believe that Heidi won't just blame Spencer. Because at the heart of this entire conflict is the fact that Lauren is mad at Spencer, not Heidi. But Heidi has always defended Spencer and made it seem as if she was in cahoots with him.

Whoa! Second date with Audrina and Colin! The only part MTV airs is a discussion of whether or not Audrina and J.Bob are together or not. Wow, riveting. He's dunzo for sure.

Holly heads over to casa Lauren and they talk about the letter from Heidi. Lauren says that if Heidi just wants forgiveness, that she gave it to her a long time ago. It's not about that anymore. Then Lauren asks if Heidi has any good friends and Holly admits that Heidi only has her. Lauren seems pretty sympathetic, but then she says that it's not about her, and if it weren't for Spencer they could probably be friends again. Holly perks up at this information and repeats what Lauren says, as if getting an official verbal contract to send to Heidi like, "hey, dump his ass and she'll take you back!"

Lauren and Audrina have a heart-to-heart and Audrina breaks the news that she's dumping Colin for J.Bob, even though he hasn't done anything to make her want to keep him, other than still being in the back of her head. Lauren suggests that she tell J.Bob that she's been dating other guys and see what he says. Then Lauren fills Audrina in on the Heidi gossip and Lauren ponders what everyone would be doing if Heidi had never met Spencer. And by "met" I'm sure she means, "been bamboozled into thinking that he wanted to get to know her when in actuality he just wanted to get on TV." Yeah, I wonder...

Audrina heads out with J.Bob to tell him about the date she went on and he acts as if he could care less. He asks if Colin was "nice" and calls her "dude" like they're just drinkin' buddies. Then she calls him out for supposedly dating other women and then he starts talking about some ridiculous mess that reminds me of that time when he said "let's let truth and time tell all." He's a zen-master, I tell ya.

Time for Holly to start Step Three in plan "Get Heidi Away from Spencer and Back with Lauren." Step Three is simple. Lie. Through your teeth. Tell Heidi how much Lauren misses her and how much she wants them to be friends again. Huh, that's funny, I sure don't remember Lauren ever saying anything like that during their conversations. Weird. Anyway, Step Three is in full effect! Heidi admits that if Lauren were to come up to her and say that she would like to be friends again, that she'd probably say, "yeah, that's cool, whatever, call me later." When we all know that she'd run up and hug her and never let her go again because she misses her so much that it hurts!! And that's when Spencer saunters in, because he's obviously been listening in on their conversation (oh, he's the greatest guy, for reals) and asks Heidi, "WTF?" Holly tells Heidi that Spencer is the only thing standing in the way of her and Lauren being friends again and Spencer is thrilled with this news! As long as he is with Heidi, then there's no Lauren. I mean, it's like his lucky day. But Holly sees another challenge because if she can accomplish plan "Get Heidi Away from Spencer and Back with Lauren" then she'll be rid of that evil Chester Cheetah for good! Good luck brave warrior. Good luck!

Next time on The Hills...Audrina sluts it up and Heidi probably pouts about something. Is anyone else enjoying this season as much as I am?!

PS. I totally stole the title for this post from Kristin Chenoweth's bit at the Emmy Awards. I'll give credit where credit is due...I thought it was a great line!

New header

As you can see, I put up a new header over the weekend. I also changed our tag line, because although it's true that we do have something to say about everything, we often don't get around to saying it on the blog. Oh well, no biggie. I think that the new tag line is more representative of what the blog has become. It was either that or "We hope you like The Hills!"

Oh no you didn't

We start at the gym with Lauren and Whitney, working out with the personal trainer Whitney went out with last season. Awkward! Lauren's working the punching gloves with her trainer and Whit asks if she missed anything while she was gone in Italy. Oh geez, again with the She-Pratt/Doug business. Even the trainer has an opinion of the situation. And - surprise! - it's the same as everyone else's opinion: She-Pratt sucks. Even Spencer knew that it was shady.

Time for confrontation at FIDM: Lauren plays mute when She-Pratt prances over to ask how she's doing. Really, She-Pratt? You think that she still doesn't know? When Lauren calls her out with a blunt, "What are you doing?" She-Pratt has the balls to blame Doug 100% for "using [her] to get back at [Lauren]." She can't even look at Lauren while she lies. She swears that she won't call him back and deleted him from her phone. And THEN! She immediately asks, "Are you going to his party tomorrow?" She's officially the dumbest person ever. She not only just denied wanting to go out with Doug, she also lied about deleting him from her phone and ever calling him again and then? She wants to know if Lauren will be attending the party that he's throwing the next evening. Cuz don't worry, She-Pratt will totally be there. Wait, what? She was invited "weeks ago before [She-Pratt] was even friends with him." Riiiight. Lauren seems as confused as I am and yet she just stares ahead instead of slapping her upside the head like any normal person would have done. Lauren, I hope you read these posts and take notes. Stupid people deserve head slaps. And you're going to be dishing out plenty of 'em.

Oh god, that's not even the best part of the episode because Momma Montag (MM) is visiting!! Supposedly it's a surprise for Heidi's bday, but if that's Heidi's best acting then homegirl is hopeless. I don't even care because MM is the only person who will tell Spencer to shut the hell up. Can't wait! Uh-oh, time to break the news that Spencer has moved back in - yikes. MM is not pleased. It seems as if Holly spilled the beans earlier to MM, but that doesn't prevent a little tiff not 30 seconds after MM walks in the door. And Spencer is just sitting on the couch, smiling, acting as if this whole thing is Heidi's fault. He's the worst. MM and Spencer set a date for lunch to get to know each other. I have a feeling that MM is getting the raw end of that deal.

Well, look-ee, look-ee - who's out to dinner with Doug? It couldn't be She-Pratt. No, because she deleted him from her phone. You mean she was LYING?! What next, will you tell me that this entire show is staged? She-Doug scheme about ways to fool everyone into thinking that they're "just friends." Crazy kids. Crazy, delusional, kids.

Over at People's Revolution, the girls pretend to "style jeans" as they talk about She-Doug. Whit's coming to the party and Lauren guarantees that she'll "hate him." She's probably right.

This next scene is right outta Laguna Beach (first season!) when the boys would get together to play pick up basketball and during "half time" or whatever one of them would be all, "dude, who are you gonna ask to prom?" And the other dudes would be like, "uh, yeah, i dunno, maybe Lo." And they would have a good laugh about nothing really, but the obligatory "Boys Talk about Prom Scene" was filmed and they could move on to another "Girls Talk Sh*t about Each Other Behind Their Backs Scene." In other words, it was refreshingly scripted. So here we go:

The scene: Doug's house (back porch overlooking the Hollywood Hills)

The players: Doug and Broday and Doug's cell phone

The drama: Broday accuses Doug of shadiness with She-Pratt; Doug denies it, blames her; Broday asks if they're coming to the party; Doug says yes; Doug asks Broday not to make anyone cry. *Laughter*

And scene. Thanks, fellas.

Time for the MM/Spencer lunch date! I don't know if I can accurately explain how incredibly rude Spencer is to MM. He turns everything she says and flips it back onto her to make it seem like she's an idiot and he's the smartest person ever. MM says that she thinks he's "very controlling and manipulative" and he responds with, "oh, is that what you think, from Crested Butte?" Now, granted, CB ain't the hottest spot on the map, but I think CBees can still look at a peace of sh*t and know that it's a piece of sh*t. It's not that hard to figured out that Spencer's a jerk and thankfully MM has the stones to say it straight to his face! I LOVE her!

Time for the party at Doug's house! All the usual suspects: Broday, Frankie, Audrina, JBOB (!), Lo, Lauren, she-Pratt - *gasp!* Oh NO! Quote of the episode: Lauren (while looking at Broday, Doug and Frankie): "You know what's really gross? I've kissed two outta three of those...that's awful." Yes, yes it is. Whoa - Jenn Bunney sighting! Where has she been this year? Oh, that's right, I don't care.

Alright, I know there are some people who don't watch the episode and only read the recaps (Kari), but trust me, the scene when Whitney and Lauren are totally soaked by Doug's cannonball is something that you have to see for yourselves. Fast forward to 20 minutes into the episode. Seriously. It's awesome. Because afterwards when Doug is semi-apologizing to Whitney, she says, "That's OK, I don't even know you...and I don't want to." HAHA! Yes, take that DOUG!

Poor She-Pratt's all alone texting to fake numbers, when Broday wanders over to start something. He calls her out for trying to date Doug and she denies it. Blah, blah, blah. Whitney and Lauren watch from afar and Lauren's pretty much over it. She's not pissed, just ambivalent to the fact that She-Pratt is exactly what Broday said she was: CAH-RAZAY!

Mother/daughter bonding time turns into a bitch-fest about Spencer pretty quick at Heidi and MM's lunch. MM tells Heidi that Spencer was rude and sarcastic to her and Heidi shakes it off. MM is sad that they aren't close anymore and then MM breaks out the tears. Heidi is stone-faced. Not that she could move, given that her face is about 92% plastic, but still, that's cold!

Final scene: back at Doug's house. She-Pratt is pining away for Doug in his room while Doug, Broday, Frankie, Lauren and Lo talk about the She-Doug thing. Doug spends close to 5 minutes explaining that he felt sorry for She-Pratt and wanted to help her because she was a "lost little puppy" and the best part: She-Pratt can totally hear every word that they are saying. So, she starts to cry and Lauren gets fed up with Doug and finds She-Pratt alone in his room and begins to wipe her tears. She has forgiven her yet AGAIN even when there's no justifiable reason for her to do so. But just when Lauren has said, "what you did sucks, but it's done," She-Pratt starts to blame Doug and lie about what she did and Lauren looks at her and shrugs like, really? You couldn't just leave it alone? See what I was saying about her being the dumbest person ever?

This recap was ridiculously long, but the episode was really good! Hope everyone liked it!

Next time: Audrina goes on a date - but NOT with JBob! Heidi gets sentimental about the past and sends Lauren an email. Everyone gangs up on Spencer for ruining their friendship!!

The Secret's Out

I probably will not be watching the new 90210 any longer. I have limited tolerance for teen soaps and frankly, Gossip Girl beat 'em to it. Kelly Taylor has a little boy now. And this week it was revealed that Dylan is the dad. That's all I really needed to know. Thanks and don't look for me next week.

Tinkering

Guess what I did this weekend!? I totally changed the blog! I made us a new header in Photoshop and went ahead and color-coordinated everything to match. So, uh, I hope you like it!

RR/RW Challenge

Every year I eagerly await the new round of Real World/Road Rules Challenges. Some of the finest moments in reality tv have happened on this show. In fact, I once wrote a paper in one of my advertising classes on the Challenge and even quoted Coral when she said, "I beat bitches up." Now if that wasn't quality reality tv programming, I don't know what is.

So it should come as no surprise, that I have been anxious for the start of a new season. And maybe it's my fault for building it up in my head, for expecting too much, for wanting to understand what the heck was going on from the beginning of the first show. Yeah, it has to be my fault...it couldn't be MTV's fault for opening with a lame first episode. No, no that couldn't be it...I mean MTV is the same network that gave us the 2008 MTV Music Video Awards, and those weren't terrible, right? WRONG.

I know it's my responsibility to watch and blog about this season's challenge, but I don't know if I can watch another episode....so here's what may be my final recap:

TJ Lavin (who is he anyway?) is the host again...they strand a bunch of Yea-Whos from past RR/RW on a deserted island (but there is one new guy and I can't place him, so I suspect he's just totally new). And you wanna guess what this year's big twist is? They will live out in the elements...no sweet party pad this year kids - you're pretty much on Survivor, only MTV style.

So it's pretty much the same drama, the same alliances and the same partying, just not at a sweet villa in Mexico. I especially loved that Tonya came on the show to show the world how she's got her act together and swiftly shows the world that she's still crazy Tonya (hey-remember Kari got that sweet Boondoggle of her at that fight in LR).

Cliff's Notes of Episode One: Dropped on a island - don't drink all the water - we have to use outhouses - we only have rice - let's get naked in the water and hook up - I need to puke - there are no challenges - there's a plane dropping supplies - let's kick Tonya off - the end.

Happy Halloween!

The episode opens and Lauren, Lo and She-Pratt are in a "Vegas library" with a HUGE book open and they are listing off jails that Broday ISN'T being held at. It's like Where In the World Is Carmen Sandiego, except much, much stupider.

Oh. No. The boys are back and they are laughing it up because apparently they were in the casino jail filing a police report on some loser who got up in their faces the night before. They did nothing wrong. They spent FIVE HOURS in the casino jail to make sure that this jerk was brought to justice. It's like Matlock, except much, much stupider.

Time to leave Vegas, but not before Audrina meets up with Lauren at the hotel lobby as they are leaving. It's really awkward because Lauren is super pissed since this thing has been blown way out of proportion. And now they "need to talk" but not until they get home. That's if Audrina makes it there...you know Lauren is willing her plane to crash with her mind!

Over at Casa Spiedi Spencer doesn't wait 2 seconds before breaking his promise to Heidi that he won't say anything to Holly about the not-so-perfect situation. He immediately tells her that since Heidi loves Holly so much she would never tell her that she wants her to move out of their apartment. What a jerk. Holly storms out of the apartment and this is totally gonna come back to Spencer. Heidi will kill him!

Yay! Whitney! I'm ready for a reality check! They talk about the Lauren/Audrina controversy. Ugggh, give me a break. Then they go and "style some jeans" because their job is ridiculous.

Audrina and JBob go out to dinner and guess what they talk about! JBob goes all peaceful warrior on her and tells her to get rid of the negative chi or some stuff. I think he's Audrina's guru now.

Over at People's Revolution, Kelly gathers everyone up to talk about their upcoming event at Area. They are going to be styling an artist named Lady Gaga and Whitney gets to do it all by her little self! Awwww! She's all growed up, y'all!

OK. Y'all. Heidi and Spencer. Their life is like a sitcom. It's not real. Heidi comes skipping home and then freaks out on Spencer immediately because Holly isn't home. All the sudden she's "really worried about her!" Then Spencer tells her that he "might've said something about her movin' out." He's getting the death stare. It's over for him.

AH! While Lauren and Lo are talking about "the drama that shall not be named" (that's for you, Kari), I can totally see that Lo is on Facebook! I have to friend her! Yesss!! Stalker time!

Whoa, it's already the PR event - I thought they were going to set this up for a while - and Lauren is STILL talking about how stressed out she is over this Audrina drama. I'm going to scream. Meanwhile, Lady Gaga is wearing a patent leather catsuit (why would I lie about that?) and there is zipper drama! Phew! Lauren fixes the zipper and all is well. Except for the fact that she's wearing a CATSUIT and Whitney is in charge of her whole look. Yikes!

Holly and Heidi made up. Those are all the words that they deserve.

Uh oh, somber music! It's the showdown of the century! All you need to know is that they fought for a bit about how the other one wasn't making an effort to be a friend and that the other one was really trying to make it work. Make sense? No? Awesome. Anyway, in the end they decide to let the past be in the past and be friends again. They both seem happy with the decision, but I don't know if it will last. They are too different. Sometimes you can't force a friendship. Wasn't that profound? I'm so deep.

Next time Holly contacts Lauren and MTV hints that Lauren and Heidi might want to be friends again. So. Not. Happening. I am NOT falling for it THIS time, MTV. Ha ha! I win! Oh god, I'm a loser...

Raise your hand if you suck!

So, Doug has a jet. A private jet. Ugggh. Lauren, Lo, She-Pratt, Broday, Frankie and Doug head aboard the jet and are off to Vegas! The plane ride starts off with a bang when Broday says that "We've been through some stuff together, but having Stephanie here is like having Spencer here...cheers!" Uh, what??

I think it might be Spring Break, judging by all the partying young people at the pool. Or is that what Vegas is like all year round now? The girls settle in to their room and talk about how Broday made that inappropriate comment on the plane. Lauren says that the best revenge is for Lauren to prove him wrong. Oh, Lauren...so naive, this one!

This time, the first thing we see Spencer doing at his apartment is playing an arcade game with plastic guns. He's really getting into it. Shocking! And speaking of shocking - Holly is moving out to LA!! Who would have guessed?!?! Spencer is P-I-S-S-E-D. He throws a tantrum and tells Heidi that it will probably affect their relationship. Maybe they'll break up?!!!

Back in Vegas the girls head to the boys' room, which is much more awesome than theirs, and talk about how Audrina dissed Lauren the other night when they saw her out at a club. Not surprisingly, she didn't want to talk to Lauren while she was out with Lo and it really hurt Lauren's feelings. Broday keeps telling her to kick her out of the house. Stone cold! Apparently Audrina and Justin Bobby are going to be in Vegas, too. It's going to be awesome when they run into each other!

Whoa - Holly's already in LA! She's moving in with Speidi for a while and there could be some trouble. But, what the hell is this?! Spencer is actually being nice to Holly? He gives her a high five (!!) and then asks her how her drive was? Who is this and what have they done with Spencer...and why didn't they do it months ago?! Watching him nod politely is probably the most hilarious thing I've seen this whole season.

Audrina and J.Bob check into their hotel room and talk about the "growing tension" between Audrina and Lauren. MTV knows how to set up a showdown, just get ready. It's coming.

The gang goes out to dinner at Cut (apparently, it's Wolfgang Puck's restaurant) and toast to Frankie's birthday. Then She-Pratt asks Broday why he told Lauren not to be friends with her. He calls her "crazy" and a "complete psycho" and references her old "drug problem." Yikes. Then he tells her to "leave" and everyone keeps trying to change the subject, but it's too late and She-Pratt is crying. She and Lauren head to the bathroom but dinner is pretty much a total downer now. Lauren and She-Pratt go to their room and decide that She-Pratt shouldn't listen to Broday because he's a jerk face.

Time to go clubbin'! OK, so here's the deal. Audrina and JBob enter the club and IMMEDIATELY Broday goes up to Justin and starts talking to him about the Audrina/Lauren thing. THEN Audrina finds Frankie and HE starts talking to her about how they just need to talk. People. Stay out of their business. This is becoming a much bigger deal than it needs to be. But, apparently it's too much for Audrina to handle so she and JBob decide to leave. Crisis averted - aka MTV just made a HUGE deal out of nothing. Why do I always fall for it?!

Back in LA, Spencer arrives at Heidi's work and demands that she come down to talk to him. Are you ready for the big reason why he is so upset? Really, I mean, I don't know if you can handle this. She...erased...two of his Tivo shows. I know. Try and remain calm. This is a difficult situation for all of us. Heidi is seriously not having it. She tells Spencer that he should get out of the house to deal with it. Now THAT'S an idea!

Time to leave Vegas, but not before Frankie comes to visit so he can tell them that Broday is in the slammer! Doug got punched and they are both in jail. And scene. Seriously, MTV? Are you kidding me? That's the end of the episode. JERKS!

Next time: Drama. Just...more drama and more idiots. Yeah, stay tuned. Oh, and it's on tomorrow night because MTV hates me. Do they think I have time for all of these recaps?!

I don't think Brandon is coming back...

Unless there is going to be a side plot for a Grizzly-Man adventure in his contract. Yikes!!

Dylan, Kelly, I Hate You Both

Ever since I heard about a new 90210, I must admit that I've been pretty excited. I've been addicted to the original from day one. I mean, when you realize that 90210 is on every day at 3 and 4 on Lifetime, you don't just catch it when you can. You schedule classes around it. And that's exactly how my potluck roomie and I bonded my freshman year. It's been years since the crazy exploits of Brenda, Dylan, Kelly, Steve, Brandon, Donna and David, so yeah, I was a little anxious to see the new show. And even a lackluster fan of the original would surely tune in to see Kelly and Brenda reunite on screen. So here goes...

The Walsh... I mean, the Wilson's pull up loser cruiser style to a beautiful LA mansion, apparently directly out of a Kansas dustbowl because that van is really dirty! Annie is cute, Dixon is adopted, mom is a photographer and dad is the new West Beverly Hills High principal. Didn't see that one coming. Obviously the parents are going to be much more a part of the storyline than Jim and Cindy ever were. The two hour premiere was really long, so I'll just catch you up on the highlights:

Ethan and Naomi are the hottest couple in town. He's a lacrosse star and she's rich. She reminds me of Jessie Spano (when I looked up the correct spelling of Spano, Google had the following suggestions of how to complete my request: Jessie Spano caffeine pills, Jessie Spano excited and Jessie Spano freak out). Annie immediately sees Ethan hooking up with another girl, which does not bode well for his relationship with Naomi.

Annie is about to make a new friend, or enemy, when I'm hit with a tornado warning. Dang. Fortunately, I later realize that the girl she was talking to was none other than Erin Silver! Maybe I'm giving too much credit here, but I'm impressed with how the producers actually try to make this seem like a continuation of the original show. I had pretty much forgotten about Erin Silver, but of course she would be going to West Beverly right about now. Good call, producers. Silver's an angry little soul. I'm sure we'll get more on that later.

Ok. Back to the details. This show is so complicated already. Let's see... Dixon is a lacrosse star, but not all of his teammates appreciate that. Naomi and Ethan break up and Ethan starts to fall for Annie. However, Annie has already ditched her Kansas boyfriend and been swept off her teeth* by Ty Collins, who I will refer to at Toothy Ty. He takes her to San Francisco on their first date. And get this, she gets busted because her mom finds a matchbook from a San Fran restaurant in her jeans. Who takes matchbooks?! Lame-o way to get caught in my opinion. Annie should talk to Brenda. Speaking of Brenda, she arrives approximately one hour and thirty minutes into the premiere, not that I was waiting or anything.

Brenda and Kelly meet up at The Pit and Nat is so glad to see them there. Has Nat been on anything else? This guy owes 90210 everything! They chat for about 10 seconds before the show moves on. I'm hoping to see more of them!! Oh and Kelly has a kid and I really need to know who the father is. Last I know, she was probably going to be with Dylan and if Luke Perry struts into West Beverly, I'll be that much happier.

This is getting really long. Basically, the new 90210 is the old 90210 meets The O.C. and has a menage a trois with Gossip Girl. In other words, a ridiculous exaggeration of life as a sixteen-year-old that I can't help but watch! Not sure if I can do updates each week because the storylines are so complicated. But I do think I can come up with something about the show, so keep watching and keep reading.

Sidenote: I saw a preview for the new movie "The Women." Annette Bening's character tells the cosmetic sales lady "This is my face. Deal with it." I laughed.

*As I reread this post, I realized that I typed teeth, instead of feet. Obviously, Toothy Ty has already gotten to me.

She's totally about to laugh in his face

Time for Whitney to set up the episode - she's off to NYC and looks like Lauren is over Doug. There aren't any sparks so Lauren's gonna dump his ass. Looks like Doug's 15 minutes are O-V-E-R!

Lauren meets up with She-Pratt at FIDM and they are going to try and make it work. Why? I have NO idea!

Whit has arrived in NYC! Already Kelly has asked her why she's late and told her to go upstairs and help with the casting. The MALE model casting. Whitney is literally not looking anyone in the eye. She's so scared of the guys! Kelly takes over and asks a guy to go out with them later that night. Whitney turns beet red at the prospect of a date.

Spiedi head to lunch at Cut in LA. I guess it's a nice place, but any place that will let Speidi in is obviously trash-tastic. Their whole interaction is basically Spencer whining that they're never alone and Heidi telling him that she misses She-Pratt. Hmmm, looks as if they aren't so much on the same page? But the BEST is when Spencer LOOKS AT HIS WATCH and says, "Time to get in bed and cuddle my dear!" and then takes a HUGE drink of wine. Is he kidding? The sad part is, I really don't know. Heidi looks SO excited!

Lauren meets up with Broday (he might as well change it permanently) for sushi. She's running late...probably because she had to squeeze herself into those LEATHER LEGGINGS (no photo to be found - damn!). Lauren. What. The. Hell. They talk about Doug not being the right guy for Lauren and how Broday IS the right guy for Lauren. Just start dating again, already.

Back in NYC Whit meets the male model for drinks and, lo and behold!, Kelly and "everyone else" cancels. That sneaky little minx! She had it planned all along, that Kelly Cutrone! Working for the devil has some perks, at least. Whit and the model have a decent date, they walk around the city and talk about NYC vs. LA and then they have a nice goodbye at Whit's hotel. If it wasn't already official, Whitney is the most normal person on this show.

Whit's back in LA she gives Lauren the run-down of her "total date-style" encounter with the male model (I didn't catch his name, is the reason I keep calling him that). I can tell they had a good time, but Whitney immediately puts the focus back on Lauren (that's a good little supporting cast-member!) and asks her about Doug and Lauren makes this face:

Obviously can't wait to see him. She's going to break up with him later.

Over in Speidiwood, She-Pratt is attempting (God only knows why) to heal her relationship with Spencer by buying him gifts. I just threw up. When Spencer decides he doesn't want to be in your life, you thank your lucky stars and head in the opposite direction! But alas, she has bought him "The Secret History of the CIA" (uh, what??) to win him back. Spencer accepts the gift but won't say anything more than one-word answers to She-Pratt's questions. And that's that. Run, woman, run while you can!

Time to break Doug's heart. Time for Lauren to tell him that he sucks and she hates him. It's breakup time! Doug gets a little defensive when Lauren says that "it's just not there." And after a little bit of back and forth about how her crush didn't turn into anything more, they are back to being just friends. That was lame. Why am I surprised?

Next week: They head BACK to Vegas! Hopefully no one will flash their "Britney" like last year! Here's what's up: it's on Sunday, after the VMAs (yes, I will watch them, I'm an addict), so set your DVRs to record! Audrina and Justin Bobby form a team against the rest of the gang. Broday makes She-Pratt cry and then winds up in jail (for different reasons...I think) with Doug. Yowza!

So, it's NOT Monday?

I've thought that it was Monday all day today. I only just now realized that it's actually Tuesday and I missed The Hills last night. No, I don't put it on series record, because MTV likes to pretend that those episodes are always "new" which means that I am constantly recording Hills episodes that I've already seen. It's annoying. What's also annoying, however, is having to remember to record it myself. I had been doing so great until this holiday interfered with my plan. And I blame Spencer. Jerk.

Chasing the drama

This week it's She-Pratt's birthday and she's invited Lauren to attend. Lauren asks if she can bring a date and She-Pratt gets all weirdly inquisitive about him. Then she says that he's exactly her type. Uh-oh...I think I know where THIS is going. (Pssst, thanks MTV for filling in all the blanks with the endless previews!)

Lauren and Doug do lunch. Does Lauren eat at that same cafe every single day of her scripted life? She comes in, sits her butt at the patio table by the sidewalk and orders a salad. Change it up, Conrad! Geesh! The conversation between her and Doug is so stimulating that these are the things that I'm left to ponder. It's either this or, "I just don't get along with her brother (aka Spencer), so I hope he won't be there (aka her birthday party)." Well, if there's one thing I've learned from watching a gazillion episodes it's this: Spencer will ALWAYS show up at the exact place that you wish he wouldn't. It is his way. And he will act like a jackass. Ooops! Spoiler!

Audrina and coworker Bangs talk "work" for literally 5 seconds and then talk sh*t about Lo for apologizing to Audrina. Bangs suggests that it's "Audrina versus Lo, a battle to the death!" I am officially on Team Lo. Audrina is goin' down!

Time for work at People's Revolution. Whitney's talking about work and Lauren stares blankly at her until she inquires as to what Lauren will be doing this week. Way to follow the cues, Whit! More talk of the feared run-in with Spencer Pratt. Dun dun dun!!! I wonder if he will be there!

Over at Don Antonio's Heidi's tramped up in 2 pounds of makeup (probably just finished shooting her latest music video - see earlier post photo!) and Spencer's threatening to cut off all communication with Stephanie. She's friends with the "girl I despise more than anything on the Earth" (direct quote, btw). Apparently Speidi will make an appearance at the party and after that it's over. Really. No, really, this time I promise!

Time to get ready! Lauren and Lo put on their makeup and talk about world peace, and politics and then ponder the global warming crisis. All in a night's work! After a debate like that they need a night out to just let loose! Audrina comes in the bathroom (obviously during a heated convo about third-world hunger) and Lo stares daggers at her. Don't interrupt her when she's talking about feeding the world, Audrina! Team Lo - 1 point.

Oh goody! Dinner out for the People's Revolution crew. My favorite incompetent staffer (Jessica) starts shooting off at the mouth and Kelly IS NOT HAVING IT. I have no idea what Jessica was even about to say, but Kelly interrupts with this quote: "No, no, no, no. Because it's my company and the answer's no to that. I don't want you to talk to a stylist. I'm just going to say what I want. Since it's my company. You? Pretty, pretty, happy, happy. Pitch stories. It's common sense. We wanna grow. If we do that everybody will move up. If we don't, people are gonna be cut." Wow. Why hasn't she fired Jessica yet??

Everyone starts arriving at Boulevard 3, where She-Pratt is having her bday partay. It's the regular cast of characters, including Doug, who arrives with Broday (OK, seriously, every time I type Brody it always comes out Broday. I don't know why my fingers always put that extra "A" in there, but it's staying, so deal with it!) and Frankie. Lo sees Audrina and instead of heading for the hills (haha, get it?!) she stays put and is actually polite. Then, when other people start having conversations, she says a couple of nice things to Audrina who tries to burn a hole in her head with her powerful stare. Aurdina is such a b*tch! She's going to put up a better fight than I thought...Team Audrina - 1 point. All tied up.

Oh no! I can't believe it! Guess who showed up! No, guess. You'll never guess so I'll just tell you - Spencer! OMG!! No WAY! And he brought balloons! Because that's what people do when they are cutting their sister of our their lives! They bring balloons! Oh, what a happy birthday it will be!

Broday immediately "bounces" because he doesn't want to deal with "drama" and I don't blame him. Just minutes after Speidi arrive they make things awkward and Lauren, Lo and Doug decide to "bounce" as well. This has gone from a fun party to a dud of a party, leaving Stephanie alone with some no-names and Speidi. HAHAHAHA!! Oh, that's pure poetry.

*Commerical note: Are you guys aware of this "Exiled" show? Sweet 16-ers sent away to far-off countries to re-prioritize their lives? Awesome! I'll be watching!*

Spencer goes to Stephanie's apartment and tells her that they are DONE. It's over.... She's FREE!!! That is the best birthday present she could've ever gotten.

Oh boy. Here comes the good stuff. Over at People's Revolution guess who just got CANNED!?! Jessica! I called it! Kelly calls Whitney up and breaks the bad news to her. And then she offers her Jessica's job on the spot! Whitney will now be living a "bi-coastal lifestyle" according to Kelly. I guess Whit accepted it, because Kelly just told her not to make any plans for the next couple months...or the rest of her life. Nice knowin' ya, Whit!

Over at fashion design school She-Pratt tells Lauren that she's sorry about the drama that Speidi caused at her party. Lauren tells her that she's got to work at earning her trust, since most of her friends have told her that She-Pratt can't be trusted. It looks as if She-Pratt is hurt by this statement, but she's a Pratt and is probably just thinking about how she can annoy someone later on. It's tough work.

Next time! Whit heads to NYC and meets a boy! Lauren breaks up with Doug - maybe? And some other stuff that is probably ridiculous. See ya then!